The 10 Hottest Actresses Who Can't Act for S#*t
Posted at 5:01 AM Feb 26, 2008
By Rebecca Kelley
There are hundreds of hot actresses strolling around Hollywood nowadays, but how many of them have the acting chops to back up their looks? Not nearly as many. Topless Robot is not particularly proud to run through a list of ten hottest actresses who can't act to save their lives, but we're doing it anyways. Ogle their curves and sultry looks now, because it'll be a cold day in hell before you see them up at the Oscar podium.
10) Sophia Bush
Just squeaking into our list is Sophia Bush, Hot Girl Most Likely to Elicit a “Who?” from the audience. Since no dudes watch One Tree Hill, some of you may recognize Ms. Bush from god awful films like Stay Alive, the piece of shit “You die in the game, you die in real life!” movie costarring Frankie Muniz, and The Hitcher, a blink-and-you-missed-it horror remake featuring Boromir as a not-so-nice member of the carpool fellowship. Sophia's acting is pretty much on par with both films, which isn't saying much.
We've included the trailer to The Hitcher for your viewing pleasure:
9) Heather Graham
Sure, Heather Graham is perky and has big cans, and it's helped her get typecast. She plays a whore in virtually every movie she's been in (Boogie Nights, From Hell, Bowfinger), and in the movies where she isn't a whore, she's incredibly bad to the point where you wax nostalgic about all of the movies you can see her boobies in.
Case in point: this bullshit movie called Cake, where it appears that Heather is not playing a whore nor shows her Graham crackers. We apologize for subjecting you to this:
8) Brittany Murphy
We know, lately she's been veering from “hot” to “crack whore-esque,” but still, many would argue that she's sexy. Her acting, however, is not. She contributed absolutely nothing to Sin City and killed our brain cells in Just Married and Don't Say a Word. The nail in the coffin? Uptown Girls. How dare you force us to endure ninety minutes of both your bad acting and Dakota Fanning? Brittany Murphy, you are an asshole.
7) Sienna Miller
Sienna Miller should have an asterisk next to her name that says “The hot chick that Jude Law boned,” because that's really her only claim to fame. Let's see, she was “the hot chick that Jude Law boned” in Alfie, “the hot chick that Daniel Craig boned” in Layer Cake, and “the hot chick that Heath Ledger boned” in Casanova. Way to stretch your range, Sienna!
Her main “I'm more than just that hot girl Jude Law boned, damnit!” attempt was starring in Factory Girl, but that movie was regarded by movie critics as a fart in the wind. Here's a boring clip of Sienna Miller essentially acting like herself in '60s gear:
6) Lindsay Lohan
Lindsay Lohan's chest size is inversely proportionate to her acting range: the bigger her tits got, the shittier an actress she became. Cute, tolerable schlock like The Parent Trap and Freaky Friday dissolved to double-D bras and cringe-inducing cinema like Georgia Rule and I Know Who Killed Me. Rumor has it that she's desperate to get cast as Alice in Tim Burton's trippy envisioning of Alice in Wonderland. We'd raise a stink about what a horrible casting choice this would be, but we're pretty sure that Tim Burton knows better.
Bask in Lindsay's monotone and “I work the breakfast shift at a strip club” dancing in this trailer for I Know Who Killed Me:
Comments
This is a pretty offensive piece, not because it's inaccurate, but because I'm pretty sure there's no companion hot, untalented guys column in the works. It seems only girls and Scientologists get persecuted in Hollywood these days. More importantly, Evangeline Lilly's not a media-seeking missile, so at the very least, she should be left alone. And maybe put Scarlett Johansson in, instead. Most overrated actress in the business.
Posted 02/26/2008 at 07:46:28 PMI disagree with everything K said.
Posted 02/26/2008 at 08:26:39 PM1. Knowing Naked Robot, there WILL be a male companion piece, even if because it was brought up.
2. I have no problem whatsoever with Scientologists being persecuted.
3. E Lilly's acting does suck and sucks Lost down with it.
4. Leave Scarlett alone. She is a fine actor.
5. This is only offensive if you think any one of the mentioned actors can actually act.
I agree, leave Scarlett alone... she's amazing! I agree with everyone on the list but the order is a little off. Like Sophia Bush should be #2 and Megan Fox like #8. But Alba is #1 for sure! And wait... where are the Olsens? Or how about Hilary Duff? Maybe this should be a top 15 or 20...
Posted 02/27/2008 at 06:51:47 AMI agree with Scarlett being overrated! The only good thing about her is her boobs. Her acting is so boring! I think Jessica Biel should be number one only because she's hotter than Alba..overall I think the list is pretty good. The Olsens are not hot..they look like starving hobbits with makeup!
Posted 02/27/2008 at 12:05:31 PMSCARLETT SHOULD BE NUMBER ONE! For sure, hands down. I mean, did you see The Island? Painful. What about Black Dahlia? Like swallowing glass, people. I mean, this chick is Woody Allen's muse?! WTF? She's living on those D's and we all know it. Yeah, I pretty much agree with everyone on the list, except Sophia Bush and that's cuz I couldn't pick her out of a lineup. I thought it was pretty darn funny about Brittany Murphy...though I would've said heroin rather than crack. Yeah, I'm mean. Sorry. I mean, I've D's of my own, but ya don't see me using them to gain an acting career. Que Sera, Sera...
Posted 02/27/2008 at 04:22:33 PMOh, Male Actors? I got your number one:
KEANU REEVES. 'Nuff Said.
I'll let ya'll pick the other nine.
Posted 02/27/2008 at 04:24:20 PMAmanda Bynes should be there too. Just watch her in "She's the Man".
And Jessica Simpson.
Posted 02/29/2008 at 02:41:01 PMI may be a biased fanboy, but I think that Heather Graham did a really good job for her part in Twin Peaks, where she played a decidedly un-whore character. Other than that, yeah, pretty accurate.
Posted 07/06/2008 at 09:45:54 PMPretty funny and quite accurate for the most part. Agree totally that Jessica Alba should be #1 - which doesn't mean I'm hostile towards her. She is real hottie is yes a fashionably multiculti sort of way, and that's cool. Lindsay Lohan on the other hand I do feel hostile towards. She seems a true mean girl who uses her looks fame and what power they bring as recklessly and yeah meanly as possible more or less. I remember an interview where she straight up said she was really only attracted to guys that respected her enough to remain totally faithful to her. In case you missed it, that's guys plural as in at a time for her, and it's a straight up this is what I require, as opposed to, well yeah I admit I've sometimes cheated or whatever (as innumerable guys with her kind of publically acclaimed sex appeal or a lot less, and yeah lots of girls as well have and do of course).
Anyway, the hottie you've got on here very near the top (is that more because of how hot she is or how much you think she can't act?), Megan Fox, probably shouldn't be here. She was only 19 (and yeah you're spot on about her looking 28, which is kinda the peak of female hotness, especially for the very hottest females, isn't it?). Really good actresses always get better at least into their thirties (though yeah some child and hottie teen actress sure don't, including some of those that looked like they might become great at the time like Drew Barrymore).
Ok, I'll admit that Julia Styles could really, really act while still a teenager, but it's not so common.
Posted 07/13/2008 at 09:46:49 PMAlso on thing in defense of all these hottie actresses. They all, or all the ones I'm familiar with (I make no comment about your #10 for example), though not great all around actresses, do have a certain pretty strong charisma in addition to their static good looks.
As well, I too don't think Heather Graham really belongs here. She can act. She may have a rather limited range of types of characters she can portray, but she can do them. As for her being cast as a whore or what you imply but don't say -slut- so often, that I think is basically her being cast against type. She looks like (and from what I gather also is, not only in upbringing but in her own life) rather a wholesome good girl. It's much more interesting in our culture these days to see the apparent good girl being anything but. But that may also go back to her being unable to play anything too far from a good girl - who's made interesting in whore roles. E.g. as rollergirl the sort of oblivious to it all porn actress in Boggie Nights.
Posted 07/13/2008 at 09:57:15 PMAgree 100% on Megan Fox- what an uncharismatic zombie. And who in their right mind told Heather Graham she could act, for cripes sakes?!
But I gotta disagree on Evangeline Lilly- she is excellent on Lost.
Posted 07/15/2008 at 04:37:23 PMI disagree with several of the members of the list. I wouldn't call Biel's or Johansson's acting great, but they aren't terrible either. Shouldn't these slots have been reserved for actresses who continually deliver half-baked performances? I mean Megan Fox may have the emotional range of a bar stool, but she's only been in one major film, disregarding that crap with Lohan. Still, I cannot agree more with your number one pick even though a part of me wishes that she could have at least one good film.
Posted 07/24/2008 at 02:17:37 PMI think that Heather Graham's bad acting usually directly correlates to her bad roles. As an example of when she delivers a good performance, see her role as the flighty, endearing Dr. Molly Clock on Scrubs. I was surprised.
Also, speaking of bad acting from decent actors, did anyone else think the first Spider-man movie was some of the WORST acting ever? Tobey Maguire(sp) mumbling every line, um, that guy who plays Harry seemingly CHEWING THE INSIDES OF HIS CHEEKS throughout the movie and Kirsten Dunst delivering a pretty forgettable "love interest" performance.....it was bad.
Posted 12/26/2008 at 06:46:28 AMWillem DeFoe (sp) was awesome though.
Jessica Alba is really underage looking. pedophiles must love her.
Posted 02/12/2009 at 11:59:09 AMJessica Alba is really underage looking. pedophiles must love her.
Posted 02/12/2009 at 11:59:34 AMScarlett is one of the worst actresses I have seen and she was good as a child actor but it hasnt carried over..BTW,SJ is a 34c chest size and shrinking massively because of weight loss..She is going to flub ironman 2 up so bad that I think producers will realize shes a waste..Woody Allen has replaced her with Freida Pinto..Nuf Said!
Posted 04/05/2009 at 01:10:13 PM