Worf? That’s fine. Picard? Sure, go nuts. Geordi? Eh, maybe he got 10-year-old you to watch Reading Rainbow and dream of being an engineer. But Data? He’s Pinocchio. No one thinks that way about a puppet.

BOYS #2) Ariel from The Little Mermaid

If discussions of Disney-related movies run on long enough, someone invariably pipes up with “Ariel was hot.” This is invariably followed by someone else pointing out that Ariel was half-fish and, as the film ostentatiously tells us, also 16 years old (which lends a trailer-park pallor to her wedding at the film’s end). Then another person points out that Ariel turned into a human later on, and then the whole conversation is suddenly in a scary, scary place that no one really wanted to visit.

So don’t be the one who kicks off a discussion of crimes against nature. If you’re in need of a socially acceptable Disney crush, we suggest Esmeralda from the company’s bastardized The Hunchback of Notre Dame. She’s hot, legal, and literary.

GIRLS #2) Tails from Sonic the Hedgehog

The Sonic the Hedgehog series earns the dubious honor of having the most consistently screwed-up fans out of any video game. You’ll find nutjobs obsessing over everything from Super Mario Bros. to Final Fantasy to Half-Life, but hardcore Sonic devotees are, nearly to a one, completely insane. And there’s no better mascot for this imbalance than Tails, Sonic’s fox sidekick and the first sign that the Sonic games were attracting some messed-up people. Saying that you had a thing for any Sonic character is bad enough; saying it was Tails will get you laughed at even by people who still sleep on vintage Sonic sheets that’ve gone unwashed since 1992.

Other reasons never to admit your crush on Tails: he’s apparently 10 years old, he’s a fox, and his Christian name is “Miles Prower.”

BOYS #1) Miss Piggy from The Muppet Show

Muppets are perplexing creatures, since they frequently lived alongside humans in their movies, on their TV show, and even during the Muppet Babies cartoon. It’s understandable, then, that some young fans might’ve gotten the wrong idea about just how acceptable Muppet-human love could be. Miss Piggy, for one, often had real-life actors fawning over her. She even drew a lustful Charles Grodin away from his harem of fashion-model henchwomen in The Great Muppet Caper.

But having a crush on Miss Piggy says something about you. It says that you have a deep, primal desire to find a woman who will violently hurl you across the room at the slightest insult. And that’s something best kept in the bedroom.

GIRLS #1) Chewbacca from Star Wars

Star Wars encompasses such a broad range of fans that there’s likely at least one geeky admirer for every character, even the buglike robot 4-LOM and the robotlike bug Zuckuss. So we’re sure that more than a few young Star Wars fangirls (and some boys) fell for the Mighty Chewbacca’s monosyllabic dialogue and penchant for dismembering people who beat him at space-chess. He’s even a family man, if the Star Wars Holiday Special is any indication, and he’s so tough that those awful Star Wars novels needed to hit him with an entire planet to kill him.

But Chewbacca’s also a seven-foot alien monkey, so it’s a bit strange to crush on him, even through the sieve of childhood. Don’t mention him unless you want more attention from that large, hairy guy who works in the mail room.