Daily Lists, Movies

The 15 Best Hotel Porn Movies Titles


expert-guide-to-anal-sex.jpgBy Rebecca Kelley

A couple of us Topless Robot writers recently spent a weekend in Vancouver, BC, and while we were there we casually perused the movie options offered by the hotel at which we were staying. To our great amusement, the hotel offered a veritable cornucopia of “adult” entertainment options. Knowing that our loyal readers would be clamoring for some poontastic porn titles, we happily took some ghetto pictures of the best hotel porn movies offered and thought it befitting to present them in order from “awesome” to “super awesome.” Enjoy.

15) Wife Swapping
We get the feeling that the “reality sex” so highly touted for this video actually consists of a paunchy, middle-aged guy clad in tube socks heaving himself onto his bored, dead-eyed wife, half-heartedly thrusting a few times, and queuing up Wheel of Fortune on TIVO. Wow, it’s just as sexy as we dreamed it would be!

14) Mothers Do It Too
Except our mothers. They’ve never had sex. Ever. That’s just nasty to think about.

13) She Gets Off Alone
This sounds like the title of a grocery store paperback murder mystery, like Sue Grafton’s “M is for Masturbation.”

12) Girl in Apt 6C
We like the helpful notation that this movie’s “for couples or singles!” Yeahhhh, we get the feeling that it’s mostly for “singles,” with the only “couples” involved being a couple of Kleenex grabbed from the bathroom after about 10 minutes.

11) Hard Core Sluts (Gonzo)
This is quite possibly the only porno stamped with a Muppet seal of approval…at least until “Fozzie Bear Likes Fuzzy Bitches (Wokka Wokka Edition)” comes out.

10) Coming Home
The fact that this movie was nominated for “best director,” “best actress,” and “best actor” has piqued our interest. We’re hoping for unnecessarily drawn out character and plot development, and that the actual porn part is “artsy” and “reflects the director’s inner struggle with being accepted by society.” That, or the actress’s boob job looked really good, the actor’s soul patch formed a perfect triangle, and the director used the “starburst” transition fade.

9) Wetter the Better
Somehow we suspect that a backdoor isn’t “better” the “wetter” it is; in fact, we’d argue that a wet pooper could very well kill the mood.

8) Operation Desert Stormy
This one’s probably the “#1 DVD rental” because people are mistaking it for a documentary on the Gulf War. The people who rented this movie are probably the same folks who saw Jarhead because they were excited at how action-packed it looked. Both films will inevitably lead to confusion and letdown.

7) Expert Guide to Anal Sex
We love that this video is labeled as an “instructional.” It would be hilarious if the movie were actually mind-numbingly boring, consisting of a narrator with a Ben Stein-esque voice droning on about the history of anal sex and unconvincingly acted simulations on mannequins.

6) Debbie Does Dallas Again
For those of you wondering why the hell it took so long to film a sequel to Debbie Does Dallas, keep in mind that Dallas is, well, a largely populated city. She probably just now got around to banging everyone available and also needed some much-needed recovery time. Plus, this movie’s a critic’s choice, and you know how picky those snobbish porn critics are.

5) I Screwed My Friend’s Wild Mom
Doesn’t this sound like a Maury episode that either already aired or is going to be next week? We expect a skinny, “fly for a white guy” type kid to come out, flash “west side,” and shout “Whateverrrrrr” to the booing audience before sauntering over to his best friend’s mom for a dramatic make out session.

4) Three Blowin’ Me
The logistics of a guy receiving oral sex from three women at the same time is quite an acrobatic feat. For some reason we envision a harmonica-playing motion. Ugh.

3) Big Titty British Babes
The unabashed simplicity of this movie’s title is pretty hilarious. We’d love to have sat in on that brainstorming session:

Producer: “What can we focus our next movie on?”
Director: “Uh, babes? With big tits?”
Producer: “Yeah, but we always do that. We need something different. Something that’ll make this one stand out.”
Director: “…uh, give them a British accent?”
Producer: “Now you’re talkin’! Okay, we just need a catchy title.”
Cameraman: “How about ‘Big Titty British Babes’?”
Producer: “We are so fucking smart.”

2) Bi Bi American Guy
It’s pretty awesome how this porn had to clarify in parentheses that it’s a bi-sexual sex film, as if viewers would mistakenly order it thinking it was a VH1 Behind the Music special about when Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper all died in a plane crash. “Wow honey, those singers were really close…um…they were really close…”

1) Ugly Gals Need Loving Too
We’re not sure what’s so “BIZARRE” about homely girls who crave some action. As Lifetime Movies of the Week have taught us, aren’t we all beautiful on the inside? Okay, maybe not, but at least this porn’s chock full of desperate uggos willing to do anything for a lay.

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