By Zach Oat
When geeks go to the movies, they want to see two things: male empowerment fantasies, and beautiful, submissive women. That’s why for every guy in a cape beating up bad guys, there’s a corresponding sexy actress who’s there to provide the hero with a reward, be it an upside-down kiss in the rain or a sweaty night in the mansion. These ladies aren’t necessarily the most beautiful women of the genre, but they are the most utterly and completely useless characters, there only to be rescued by the Bruce Waynes and Peter Parkers of the world. Let’s celebrate their sexy lack of assertiveness!
10) Eva Mendes from Ghost Rider
I seem to be alone in wondering how Miss Mendes keeps getting work. I’m sure she has talents of some kind, but she seems to only appear in genuinely terrible movies, and without any good lines to read, she pretty much has to rely on her smoldering good looks and generous curves. In the abhorrent Ghost Rider, Mendes pouts and lusts after Nicholas Cage throughout the film, despite having been abandoned by him as a teenager for incredibly stupid reasons. On the upside, she actually makes a halfway decent TV news reporter! …Seriously, maybe she should become a TV news reporter.
9) Heather Locklear from Return of Swamp Thing
Granted, Return of Swamp Thing is more kiddie-oriented than the original Swamp Thing movie, and Heather Locklear doesn’t have a nude scene like Adrienne Barbeau does in the original, but c’mon—she’s Heather Locklear! The woman is the definition of arm candy! And while Barbeau certainly puts it out on display, she’s not exactly the looker Locklear is—nor does she have Locklear’s erotic pickle-eating sequence with Dick Durock. (Not to be confused with the erotic pickle-eating sequence from T.J. Hooker—that one was all Shatner.)
8) Kim Basinger from Batman
Basinger is the O.G. of this list: Original Girlfriend. She’s been perfecting the role of useless arm candy since 1983’s Never Say Never Again, and her role as photographer Vicki Vale manages to continue the theme. Through a series of squeals, yelps and gasps, Basinger helps the audience figure out what parts of the movie are supposed to be shocking, surprising or scary. (Considering that Vale’s previous assignment had been in a war-torn third world country, you’d think that very little would scare her anymore, and you would be wrong.) Basinger also gives us a great impression of photojournalists, as her character quickly tumbles into bed with her subject. Is there such a thing as “photojournalistic integrity”?
7 & 6) Sugar & Spice from Batman Forever
Tommy Lee Jones rolls deep. As the villain Two-Face, he’s got a pimped-out pad decorated in two completely different styles (tacky and tackier) to match the normal and magenta sides of his face. Even better, he has a girl for each arm, as well: Sugar, a cherubic cutie played by Drew Barrymore, and Spice, a sexy dominatrix played by Debi Mazar. And as much as they may deny it, there isn’t a man alive today who didn’t at some point in their lives dream about a Drew Barrymore/Debi Mazar sandwich, Tommy Lee Jones included.