By Zac Bertschy

It would seem the entirety of the internet—and probably 90 percent of the nation’s movie critics, not to mention most of the studio executives he’s worked with—love to hate on M. Night Shyamalan. People cite a variety of reasons—most commonly, his ego, and the increasingly goofy “twist endings” that populate his films. For a while, the endless torrent of negativity aimed at Shyamalan seemed excessive—after all, The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable and Signs were pretty good. Then The Village came out, and it was pretty terrible, so the hatred seemed a little more justified.

And then Shyamalan gave everyone a concrete reason to dismiss him forever—Lady in the Water, a movie so awful it erased most of the goodwill people still had left over from his earlier films. In honor of Shyamalan’s new film The Happening, which opened last Friday, we at TR were going to point out these problems, until we discovered a twist of our own—The Happening is somehow, against all logic, even worse than Lady in the Water.

Incredible, but true. But you’re welcome to compare for yourself, as here are the six more insultingly awful parts—moments, characters, plot device, outrageous egomania on the part of the director—in both flicks. Be warned: contained herein are massive spoilers for The Happening, but you shouldn’t give a shit because you shouldn’t see it anyway.

EXHIBIT A: LADY IN THE WATER

6) Magic Water People Prevent War

The main thrust behind the plot of Lady in the Water is that a long time ago, humankind interacted with a bunch of magical water people called “The Narf” (insert Thundercats joke here) who kept them in check. According to the heavy-handed opening narration, mankind’s “need to own things” drove them inland and they left the Narf behind. Then of course the humans started warring with one another, because I guess the only thing keeping us from killing each other was the advice of a bunch of undersea pacifists. Eventually the Narf “stopped trying” (seriously, that’s what the narrator says) and just retreated to the ocean to bitch about how we don’t listen, or something.

5) There's a Zany Cast of Lovable Psychotics

The film starts out by introducing the movie’s second most ridiculous character, a movie critic named Harry Farber, who has just moved into The Cove, the apartment building where the rest of the movie takes place. He’s met by apartment manager Cleveland Heep, played by a stuttering Paul Giamatti, who then proceeds to show Farber around the apartment complex and introduce him to all of his zany neighbors, exactly in the way that nobody ever does. Firstly, it’s an apartment complex, not a dormitory. Secondly, the ham-fisted way of introducing The Cove’s residents—including stereotypical Japanese girl who speaks in broken English and dresses like a pop star from the '80s, a crazy workout guy who’s only building one side of his body, and token lovable ethnic family—is more than a little insulting to the viewer. If it weren’t so transparent, it wouldn’t be so insulting to watch.

4) It's the Story of "Story"

The movie centers around Heep’s discovery of a Narf in the community pool, who then proceeds to stand around, stare into nothingness, say cryptic things, respond with blank gazes to obvious questions and generally behave like a macguffin. It’s not really clear what the hell she wants, but Shaymalan keeps us all riveted by loading the film up with long shots of Heep and the Narf staring at each other. The worst thing, however, is that Shyamalan named this character “Story”. That’s right; the thing driving the story of his film is actually fucking named “Story."

3) There's a Mean Dog Made of Sticks

Initially, while Heep tries to decipher Story’s glassy-eyed prophecies, they’re routinely and inexplicably attacked by a mean dog made of twigs called a “Scrant." The Scrant’s reason for existing on a Narf-only diet (and if you’re not sick of these contrived fairy tale creature names yet, good for you) isn’t revealed until it’s explained to Heep that the Scrant are basically the law enforcement officers of these evil overload monkey things who live in the trees, and for some reason they want to keep the Narf from ever contacting mankind again. Also they are apparently “so evil anyone who looks at them dies." Please remember, this theoretically was written by a adult man, not a second grader.

2) The Movie Critic in the Movie Notices How Shitty the Movie Is

At one point, the residents of The Cove are all involved in the whole Narf thing and realize that they all have roles to play in getting Story back to her own world. One of them is a movie critic, who spends most of his time bristling at the plot developments—every time something happens, he’s there to talk openly about how contrived or stupid or nonsensical it is. At this point in the film, he’s an unintentional audience identification character; it’s impossible not to nod your head at his observations, even though he’s obviously supposed to be hated, because everyone else in the complex thinks he’s a dour jackass (not to mention he actually calls himself an “unlikable side character” in one of his many deconstructionist analyses). Naturally, he’s mauled by the Scrunt.

What happened here is that Shyamalan honestly thought it’d be a good idea to childishly write in a stereotypical critic who criticizes the movie as it’s happening and then gets eaten by a monster, as if to say “Ha ha, take that you critics!” Seriously.

1) The "M" in M. Night Shyamalan Stands for "Messiah"

Okay, plenty of directors cast themselves in their own films. It’s standard practice—maybe they have a small cameo appearance, or they’re directing themselves. If the director happens to be multi-talented, why not?

In Lady in the Water, Story tells Heep that she’s come to the Human world to contact a writer whose writing will literally save the world. So Heep goes around the apartment complex asking all of the tenants if they’re writing anything; turns out one guy is, and guess what, it’s a book about his thoughts on how to solve all the problems in the world! Guess who’s playing that guy? Shyamalan himself. No kidding.

Shymalan has written a story wherein a writer is prophesized to be so brilliant, his prose so spectacular, that it will save the world. Shyamalan then proceeded to cast himself in the role of the messianic writer. There has ever been a more ridiculously self-fellating casting decision in the history of film. It’s as if Shyamalan said to himself, “Hmm… what’s the best way to get the audience to tell me to go fuck myself?”

So that's Lady in the Water; Citizen Kane it isn't. But can The Happening possibly be stupider? The answer is on the next page! And it's yes! It's much stupider!