Fan Fiction Friday: Hercules and Autolycus in “In My Life”

My apologies to all you folks who were hoping for hardcore sexual content in this week’s installment of Fan Fiction Friday. I wanted to take it down a notch, and finally found a story that, I think, would delight you even if it doesn’t go into graphic details about whose penises go in which holes. Now rest assured, in this story ol’ Herc and Autolycus are still have some gay sex, but I think you’ll discover why I picked it shortly.

Hercules flipped through the script. It was a western. He’d wanted to do a period piece for a while. This should be fun. He tossed the script in the passenger seat of his BMW and began his drive to Starbucks. Might as well have a coffee while going over it.

There was something familiar about the dark head in front of him in the queue. /You’re a 2000 plus year old demigod./ Hercules reminded himself. /You’ve seen so many people EVERYONE should look familiar./ The voice was familiar too. “Yeah, gimme the grande mocha with hazelnut.” Couldn’t quite place it. He never heard the voice say those exact words.

“Sir!” Hercules had been so caught up on trying to remember who this was that he hadn’t heard the barista. “Your order?”

“Oh, yeah. Grande cappuccino, French vanilla.”
…
He looked very familiar. /Is that Bruce?/ Hercules wondered, remembering his former co-worker. /Nah, he’s filming a movie in Indiana. He wouldn’t be in L.A./ He took another look. It wasn’t Bruce Campbell, but it was someone who bore a striking resemblance to him. /No! It couldn’t be! After all these years…these centuries!/ But it was possible. One way to find out. He approached the other man.

“Autolycus?” Even though he hadn’t been called that name in nearly forever, he immediately raised his head in response. “It’s been a long time, hasn’t it?” Hercules said the sentence in a dialect of long dead ancient Greek.

Autolycus’ jaw dropped as he recognized the man who spoke. It had literally been ages. “You!” he gasped. He stood. “Hercules?”

“It’s not Steve Reeves.”

Oh yes…Hercules and Autolycus meet at at 21st century Starbucks. And Hercules is now an actor, and his working name is Kevin Sorbo…thus he starred in the real show about himself. The concept literally makes me tingle with delight. Oh, and they’re both totally bi. As they drink their coffee, they reminisce about they male lovers, Iolaus and Joxer, and their mis-adventures over the last two millennia. This is going to take a while, so come with me after the jump.

Autolycus discusses some time as a slave, using Three’s Company as a reference.

“For his wife?” Hercules had never heard of someone buying a body slave for a spouse.

“Yeah, Lucretia. Or The Creature as I thought of her. A turn out Furvus? Mr. Happy wasn?t quite so happy anymore. Well, when I wasn’t being The Creature’s living dildo, she had me doing other tasks. Picking up her laundry, serving drinks to her friends, cleaning out her bathing pool. I was the ancient Rome equivalent of a cabana boy.”

“Doesn’t sound like you liked it.”

“Remember that TV show they had back in the early 80’s? /The Ropers/. Put Mrs. Roper in a toga and make her five times meaner and that would be Lucretia. I got her drunk one night and tried to escape. Got about as far as the docks when a sailor caught me trying to stow away on a ship. He turned me over to the captain. I was hoping maybe I could offer to work on the ship to pay for my passage back to Greece. Just my luck, the ship’s captain happened to be a friend of Furvus’ and he recognized me. Dragged me back kicking and screaming. The next day, Furvus gave me this.” Autolycus rolled up the sleeve of his t-shirt to reveal a raised line of X’s, V’s and I’s.

Autolycus…oh, I can barely stand it.

“What’s with all these warlords?” Hercules laughed as Autolycus did a Seinfeld impression. “And why do they call them ‘morning stars’ when you can use them any time of the day? And didja ever notice how sharp swords are? What’s with that?”

OH. MY. GOD.

“Porno? No! It was a tale of swashbuckling adventure on the high seas.”

“What was your character’s name?”

“Long Dong Silver.” Autolycus hung his head.

“And his motivation?”

“To fuck as many asses as possible. Alright, alright, so I was in a few pornos! Big deal! No shame in my game. Like I said, I stopped riding bareback in ’91 after Freddie made his startling confession.”

“Freddie, the same guy you went to see /Star Wars/ with?”

“Yeah. Guy’s real name was Farrokh Bulsara, but everyone called him Freddie. He was born in Zanzibar, but raised in a British boarding school in India. Real party animal. He went both ways too. He had a favorite guy and a favorite girl, and I was sort of a friend with benefits. Brian, now, he was straight as an arrow but he was still a decent guy to have a beer or see a movie with. They were both into music. Funny, most of the people I’ve really been attracted to were good singers. Maybe I got a music fettish.”

Yes, he is talking about Queen’s Freddie Mercury. Autolycus and Freddie Mercury. Fuckbuddies.

“Around 1980, he cut his hair and grew out his moustache, trying to look like me. Oh well, imitation’s the sincerest form of flattery. Nice guy, Freddie, even if he was kinky as hell.”

“Didn’t you love him?”

“I don’t love everyone I screw. You know that, Hercules.”

“Yeah, I know there’s a difference. I know being in love feels a lot better than just plain sex. After all these years, surely you know that too.”

I’d like to say this is the most insane part, but then Autlycus tells this huge adventure with some lover named Gunther in Nazi Germany, which is currently destroying my brain cels even to just type. Also, Hercules was friends with John Lennon in the ’60s, and dated a young Chinese boy. Also, AUTOLYCUS TRAINED HARRY HOUDINI.

Guys, I can’t make this up. But someone did. Author Cygnavamp is this creative, and has chosen to spend his/her time on this epic story of Hercules and Autolycus influencing history and pop culture FOR SIXTEEN AMAZINGLY LONG CHAPTERS.

If you want to read the entire insane thing, and I certainly don’t blame you, please start here. Just be prepared, because each section starts with music lyrics, which clearly indicates how much emotional import Cygnavamp considers all these chapters. Of course, it ends with the Beatles’ “In My Life.”

There are places I’ll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I’ve loved them all
But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

I feel confident that when Lennon wrote this song, he was thinking about Autolycus having sex with Harry Houdini. And now we know Hercules gave him the idea.