ToyNewsI just did a live-blog of Hasbro's G.I. Joe panel, where the upcoming comic (by Larry Hama), the upcoming Resolute cartoon (by Warren Ellis) and the upcoming live-action movie (by Satan, Prince of Darkness) were all discussed. You should go read it here, because I'm only going to recap what was said about the movie, and only the bad news from that. Thankfully, there's plenty of bad news—but be warned, it's all spoiler-iffic, so hit the jump to discover how bad it's going to get.
• Duke and Ripcord are not in G.I. Joe when the movie begins.
If you had any doubt that the character of Duke had been changed from "leader of G.I. Joe" to "some random dude," this should do it. Obviously, they wanted to help introduce G.I. Joe to viewers. And then picked the character least suited to do it.
• Duke and the Baroness were almost married.
Yep. I can't add anything to this to convey the badness here. This totally unnecessary twist speaks for itself.
• Ripcord and Scarlett have a flirty relationship. Since Snake Eyes doesn't talk, it was too hard to convey a relationship between him and Scarlett.
I feel it's worth pointing out that BOTH A FUCKING '80S CARTOON AND A GODDAMN COMIC BOOK BOTH MADE FOR CHILDREN MANAGED TO CONVEY THAT SAME RELATIONSHIP JUST FINE, YOU JACK-ASSES. Still, Snake Eyes' loss is a Wayans brother's gain.
• The Joes have an "accelerator suit" which allows them to run 50 miles per hour, which leads to a car chase.
You know what else goes 50 miles per hour? JEEPS AND MOTORCYCLES AND TANKS AND ALL THE SHIT THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN FEATURED IN EVERY INCARNATION OF G.I. JOE FOR THE PAST 25 YEARS, YOU FUCKS GAH ARRGH MY HEART
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Comments
Zach said:
Someone get Rob his pills. Then give me the rest, because I'm going to overdose on them. This sucks.
faithfire said:
Uuum. When I saw the headline and the picture accompanyment... said it all for me.
Corruptor said:
I have plenty of ambien and darvocet to go around...I think we're going to need it.
Cattleprod said:
Duke didn't join the team until over 20 issues into the original series. How the hell does that make him least suited to be the 'new guy'?
Ironlightsaber said:
I welcome all of you to join me in boycotting the theater release of this turd.
I'm not only boycotting this evil film because every thing shown so far indicates that the people making it have no idea what they are doing, or because it looks like a run of the mill action movie with GIJoe slapped on the title or because the only cool thing in it will be Ray Park as Snake eyes but because they made the GIJoes a generic UN military team and NOT the REAL AMERICAN HEROES that they are suppose to be.
If I see this movie it will be in a second run showing or on DVD. If ever.
sal said:
I'm going to stare at the Scarlett Johansson picture. This makes me said...and her boobs are epic
Zodgrod said:
Oh gee look's like it's going to suck as much as doom did.
Kris said:
You know, for some reason, I can stomach most of this. The Scarlet/Ripcord thing is beyond stupid, but I can live with it the same way I manage to live with midicholorians.
The thing that leaves me dead in the water is this notion of a "go fast suit" (based on the quality of ideas displayed for this movie so far, I'm sure someone will call it this at some point). I really really really really hate this idea. Is it too much to ask for a couple of really great vehicles?
Then again, maybe I should trust these people who get paid much more than I will ever see...I'm sure seeing someone "run" 50 mph to chase down Destro without a helmet on a dirt bike will be freaking amazing.
...nevermind.
Templar said:
Ripcord and Scarlett have a flirty relationship.
Right, because filmgoers really want to see Rachel Nichols in a "relationship" with the dude from Little Man...
Anonymous said:
Judging by the pics from the write up it appears that duke is saving the Barrones. Last couple pics...movie is going to be awful.
Zach said:
My real big thing is the Duke and Baroness were engaged thing. They can't just have differing ideologies, they have to be exes? I hope she's not dating Cobra Commander, who used to be Duke's best friend -- that would be AWKWARD.
Thunderchild said:
The fact anyone is even still dimly holding out hope for this atrocity is far worse than the picture posted, not to mention the further horrible details of the movie!! Mark my words, this will be Razzie of the year when this pile of shit comes out!!
But to be fair, the ONLY thing that can save this movie is if there is a hot lesbian scene between Baroness & Scarlett!! But we know that wont happen so this movie is going to give Battlefield: Earth company as one of the worst movies ever!!
cKHAVIKk said:
*sigh*
I am so goddamned sick of Hollywood douchebags shitting on everything sacred about our childhoods. I'm sorry if anybody is offended by my next statement, but Michael Bay's Transformers was the worst fucking movie in the last 5 years. I guess it's just too hard to suspend your disbelief when making films based on comics and cartoons.
Oh... wait a minute..... NO IT'S NOT!!!!!
Christopher Nolan and Sam Raimi (sort-of) did just fine.
They prove that you can take an unbelievable (read: fantastically nerdy) premise and make it believable.
Anyway, if Thundercats OR Masters of the Universe mention ANY of the Wayans Bros., Nick Cannon, George Lucas, Carlos Mencia, Jim Belushi, or Brangelina, I will systematically destroy Hollywood, one studio at a time......
Mars said:
It was raining on my way home from the train station today. I thought "God Dammit all I wish I had my accelerator suit."
Oh and fuck this movie.
B.E. said:
I don't know what everyone expects from this, exactly--everyone's saying what's shitty about it but no one is specifying what WOULDN'T be shitty.
What would make a good G.I. Joe movie? Keep in mind it's got to be relatively kid-friendly and 'realistic' enough to satisfy those who should know better (us).
Not that I'm defending it in any way, just that I want even more specific fuel for this fire.
Friginator said:
This doesn't seem all too horrible to me. It just reminds me of how the original X-Men movie buzz was and that movie was pretty good...
It still isn't as bad as making Megatron into an alien jet, or having Bumblebee pee on people.
Zach said:
I actually agree with cKHAVIKk for once. Transformers was the most overrated film I've ever seen. Everyone said it was so original, but that's only because it used a 20-year old concept that was unfilmable until now. (However, I would pay cash money to see Angelina Jolie as Evil-Lyn.)
I wonder sometimes if I'm being overly harsh on what could be an X-Men style success, but at least X-Men kept the same premise and characters. Aside from Rogue, the only thing that really changed was the look of the costumes. The go-fast suits seem to be taken from Sigma Six, but that show doesn't seem to have been anywhere near as popular as the original, so why reference it? Also, creating relationships between characters that never had one alters the dynamic of the entire plot. And Rob's point about these suits seemingly replacing the vehicles that were an integral part of the story... I'm worried they just went with what was cheaper.
Eibwolf said:
um... during this epic chase scene that they are making, what if, stay with me here... the person just drives at 60 or so.
Shits weak....
Eibwolf said:
um... during this epic chase scene that they are making, what if, stay with me here... the person just drives at 60 or so.
Shits weak....
Blue Midget said:
Personally, the only thing about this movie that is still going to be worth watching is going to be Ray Park kicking some serious ass as Snake Eyes.(unless they forget he's a ninja/special forces and he gets his ass handed to him only to be saved by Rip Cord)
Other than that, it sounds like it's going to be another TF or Episodes I,II,II where after I watch my childhood raped without any KY I mentally edit it down to where it's the 20m of footage from the 3hrs shot that's worth watching.
BTW, does anyone know why the didn't give Roadblock the name ROADBLOCK!?
freshhooker said:
Jesus this makes me so sad. How can they fuck up such a perfectly constructed story. Why couldn't they take a que from The Dark Knight and hire a real director. I've got $20 that says this movie will be a piece of CGI crap. And the cast isnt even old enough to remember the show!
IL Mostro said:
as other sentiments on here show, this movie will suck big ass... and i'm gonna sound like either an uber-nerd, or a racist on this one, but i don't see where anyone else even touched on it. Rip COrd was very, VERY white... if you wanna throw in a wayans brother, at least give him one of the black characters from the Joe universe... or let him be Lady Jaye, cos the wayans were better as "White Chicks" than black guys.
Ted said:
Ray Park is a douchebag. He is charging for autographs at Seattle Comicon. He has barely ever had a line in a movie. He is not an actual actor. He can go fuck his own white ninja asshole.
Mac said:
No, Scarlett is with Snake-Eyes in the film.
http://www.comicbookresources.com/?page=article&id=17390
some guy said:
wtf do you people expect from this thing? i mean, it's fucking "G.I.Joe: The Movie" for chrissake. i know there was a comic and a cartoon, which i hate for the record, but besides these it is basically based on a fucking toy. It's not even a toy like Transformers where there's some genuinely cool concept behind it. Its basically interchangeable toy soldiers fighting eachother. Not to mention the thing is being released in August and is being directed by Stephen Sommers, who decided to turn what was supposed to be a straightforward remake of the original Boris Karloff Mummy movie into an Indiana jones ripoff adventure flick (genius).
