If you were to attack me with a shovel, split open my skull, and look into my cavernous head, you wouldn't find brains, but instead a constant re-enactment of this song, where Christopher Lee sings first about the virtues of booze, then how awful not drinking is, and finally threateningly about what might happen if you don't have some booze. It's a wonderfully bizarre clip from an old movie called The Return of Capatin Invincible, where Lee plays a supervillain named Mr. Midnight and fights Alan Arkin. I've never seen the film, but I love this song (written by Rocky Horror Picture Show's Richard O'Brien)—I don't know that there's anything on God's green earth that sums me up more.

So it isn't exactly news, but it is a swell way to let you know that I'll be taking off Labor Day with the rest of your poor working stiffs, and Topless Robot will be back on Tuesday, September 2nd. Have a good weekend, and make sure to have a drink, or Christopher Lee will send people to beat the living shit out of you.

The hell? I admit I've never played a Max Payne game, so maybe it was full of "valkyries" or demons or whatever the hell those things are. But I was always under the impression you were just shooting criminals. Did the filmmakers decide the game was so boring that they added winged people? I'm no Hollywood exec, but if you feel your script is so boring that you randomly add the minions of hell, you might as well just pick a new script.


Actually, the demons thing is far less worrisome than having Mark Wahlberg and Mila Kunis as the two leads. Sure they can occasionally be good—e.g., The Departed or Forgetting Sarah Marshall—but it's very, very rare. Chances are they'll have all the chemistry of two non-matching coffee tables on-screen together. Actually, I would think their anti-chemistry would be so potent that it would be impossible to be captured on film—there'll just be scenes of vinyl siding or something.

Oh, do I have a special treat for you today! This week's installment of "Fan Fiction Friday" was picked out by none other than regular TR commenter/scalawag Friginator, who clearly hates me (and you) guys with such a passion that he found the following period piece, sure to send a shiver down your spine. Picture it—December 17th, 1944, the Ardennes. The thick of World War II.

Three tanks were in the distance, about a hundred feet through the forest, guarding both the Jeeps here and those stationed on the other side, too far away to see. No one stirred at the sound of a helicopter in the distance. They all knew the sound of their comrades, and the whirring blades were unmistakably American, most likely a supply carrier or a medic.

The only one who appeared to take notice was the smallest of the Jeeps, whose eyes opened a crack, though he didn't move. He waited until the sound of the helicopter blades whirring ceased, antenna trained to take in the direction in which it had headed, due east. He waited for twenty minutes in silence, no birds or bugs active in the freezing night. A wolf or feral dog howled in the distance, but no one payed any heed to the sound of the harmless creature.

The tiny jeep drives off under the pretense of taking a leak, but instead drives—headlights off, lest he alert the enemy or his comrades—to a secluded clearing, where the helicopter awaits.

"I didn't think you would come," said the helicopter.

"I was hoping you wouldn't, Rob, you're an idiot to come out here," said the Jeep.

"I wanted to see you."

The jeep? It's Sarge, from Pixar's hit movie Cars.

They both knew tomorrow would be a battle bigger than either of them had yet seen. They both knew their chances of surviving were slim. Though the forests of the Western Front seemed peaceful now, they knew that only miles away the Germans were stationed, and tomorrow they would meet them head on.

...

They communicated all these thoughts silently, the little Jeep hooking his front tires around the single front leg of the helicopter in a loving embrace.

Have you ever heard funny sounds coming from your car? Weird noises that you can't explain? Well, your car may be gay.

William bit his bottom bumper to stifle a gasp as Rob's tongue started to lap at his backside. He responded eagerly, though silently, and raised his back end for Rob's convenience. It had been nearly a month since they had last seen one another. Every second here was precious.

Hardcore jeep-on-helicopter pornography awaits after the jump.

It's nice to see that our friends in foreign lands can be just as insanely, pathetically nerdy as we are here in the States, as evidenced by this highly awesome Spanish rap song about Dragonball, passed to me by noble TR reader Fishdick, who sends this rough translation:

"Yeah, excuse me, kamehameha. After the tetrix thing comes the Dragon Ball rap. Who didn't see that tv show have no childhood. Big Bang Attack attacks from Namek planet. Vegeta, Son Goku. Saiyan rivalries. Get longer the cane, it sucks in spanish,it's more cool in catalan. I prefer the "nubol kickton". It made me being amazing

Son Gokuh, Goten, Krilin, Yamcha, Chaoz, Ten Shi, young Son Gohan was awesome in the 2nd level. Mr. Satan didn't get beat Cell as Videl. No one could win Broly. The leyend's super saiyan. It was needed to beg for all the planet's energy. Gengy ball burnt Majin Boo. Freezer died by the Trunks' sword. Ozaru gone crazy and destroyed buildings

1, 2, 3, Fussion. Dragonballs on the world. Take a way with a radar and capsules. Radit died with Gokuh. Vegtta killed Nappa. Gohan was in troubles with the silver warriors. Force gets up to more kilies. Vegeta lets his self under the control of Babidi. Corp Petit and Krillin were converted to stone by Dabra, and the great saiyaman rebels to the city's terrorists. Dragonball rap. Bojack

Welcome to the Time Temple. One day here means a year away. The droids came from the Dr Gero. Goku was in the 1st position in the World Fighting. It's funny to see To Pai Pai comming on a trunk. Tulece and the power fruit. Garlick jr became bigger in just a moment, d*mn. Kiao Shin, Vegetto, the potara result. Gogeta fussion with the Pai Pai helping against Yanemba

3th level Gotrunk was a insolent. Sheron gives the life back when someone dies. Olong. Bulma. Dende. The highest power was the 4th level. Special Forces and the Body Change. Dodoria and his friend have been killed. Cooler. Baby. Dragons from every star. Bardock tried to defend his planet. Dragonball. Dragonball Z. It's art. Dragonball GT. Anyway it rocks."

It also leads seamlessly into my next regular feature, which is "Things to Say to Ensure You Won't Get Laid Tonight." First up: "Hold on, baby. I need to think of something that rhymes with Vegeta."

Or Anti-Venom. Or Venom-Honky. Whatever the hell the white Venom is called. The figure is due from Diamond in February of next year, so you'll have plenty of time to figure out his name as he appears in the new Spider-man arc. I'm not nearly as worried about his name as the fact that the spider-logo on his chest is inverted, meaning it's staring directly at his junk. It's how you know he's evil. (Via Action-Figure)

Latino Review has the exclusive scoop on who's directing the Voltron movie, and it would probably be more impressive if anyone had ever heard of the guy. But you haven't. It's Max Makowski, who, aside from sounding like a bully in some '80s kids movie, has directed very little so far, but is one of those guys signed up for lots of stuff.

Max's credits include the movies The Pigeon Egg Strategy (premiered at The Sundance Film Festival in 1998), One Last Dance (premiered at The Sundance Film Festival in 2006 and went on to Cannes), and television series Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (2003) and The Agency (2005). He is also working on writing and directing a Universal film based on the Japanese movie Shinobi, a Studio Canal film based on Le Professionnel, and he has rewritten the screenplay for the bigscreen version of Hawaii Five-O. Max also will direct the bigscreen adaptation of the 1970s TV series Kung Fu which revolved around a Shaolin monk forced to flee to the Wild West, where he used his martial arts skills to fend off various evildoers.

Yes, Mr. Makowski has gone pretty much from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy to Voltron, in one of the most bizarre directing jumps since Peter Jackson went from muppet sodomy in Meet the Feebles to helming the jillion-dollar Lord of the Rings epics (that still freaks me out). Since this Voltron movie has already been set on post-apocalyptic Earth, I'm not too concerned what happens at this point. In all honesty, Carson Daly would make an awesome Princess Allura.

From the fine folks behind the Han Solo in Carbonite Office Desk comes the next high-end, Star Wars-themed office equipment you desperately want but cannot afford—the Emperor's chair. The good news is, unlike the desk, there's five of them for sale; the bad news is that they're each $5000, so you can't afford one anyways. From the press release:

Based on the client's requests and interests, artists Tom Spina and Richard Riley drew inspiration from elements of Captain Kirk's bridge chair from Star Trek and the Emperor's throne from the Star Wars films and created a sleek new design. The result is an impressive functional art piece that is well over four feet tall and crafted in custom welded steel. It features an adjustable pedestal and is made to appear to “float” on 8 hidden wheels. The custom upholstery is real leather and the finish is powder-coated gloss black for a classy and durable surface.

What, you think it'd be some hunk of plastic? Remember, the Emperor is an old, crotchedy man—you know his bony, liver-spotted ass is covered with hemorrhoids, and he has to sit in as much comfort as possible. And now that I've made you think about the Emperor's bare ass, my work is done. Toddle-pip! (Via Gizmodo)

By Bryan Hartzheim

It’s no secret that games have gone the way of Hollywood, for better or worse, cranking out bigger budgets, better graphics, and more and more studio-financed sequel after sequel of the same safe and formulaic genre material, while leaving more experimental endeavors for school departments of digital media and independent flash game designers. Sequels are a way of life now in video games—best to embrace them and pressure the hell out of studios to remake our childhood favorites.

While most classic titles have been given requisite facelifts, there are still dozens of games desperate for true remakes that have never had the next-gen silicon implants they deserve. Here are thirteen from our 8 and 16-bit halcyon days of yore which remind us that games back then were really better, albeit a little shittier looking, and should promptly be remade for millions of dollars as a fan service and penance for raping us repeatedly with interminable Final Fantasy moogle porn.

Your eyes do not deceive you—that is indeed a new, real, Hasbro-made, official Star Wars toy set of Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru being accosted by Stormtroopers at home. Although the set is simply called the "Disturbance at the Lars Homestead," it might be more accurately named "Owen and Beru's Final Moments" or "Before the Stormtroopers Set Them on Fire," or even "One Order of Lars, Extra Crispy, Please."

This is only the first of a whole new line of toy sets commemorating the most awkward moments in the Star Wars films. Keep a look out for future sets, including:
• Young Boba Fett, carrying his father's severed head
• Old Boba Fett, being slowly digested in the Sarlacc
• Luke and Leia's open-mouth kiss in the Hoth sick bay
• Anakin visits the Tusken Raider daycare teepee
• Jar-Jar steps in feces
• Palpatine makes an awkward pass at Anakin during the water ballet-thing
• Ugnaught group shower
(Via Rebelscum)

This clip is old, but I thought it was worth bringing up since Castle Crashers just hit Xbox Live Arcade yesterday, and it was just announced that it's on its way to WiiWare as well. As you can see, it's an old-school beat-'em-up, but with RPG elements (somewhere) and wonderful art by Dan Paladin of Alien Hominid fame. As soon as I get smart enough to finish Braid, I'll be purchasing this myself—I'm a sucker for homicidal men with squat bodies and large heads.