The 10 Greatest, Nerdiest Ways to Repulse a Woman

By Shaun Clayton

We at Topless Robot fully realize that in this day and age, there are as many nerdy girls as nerdy guys. And yet, few women have yet been empowered enough to be deemed ultra-nerdy?to be so nerdy that the opposite sex flees almost immediately, as if the nerd were a serial killer or perhaps a werewolf. Yes, the ultra-nerdy are a subset of the human race, mostly male, that has the amazing ability to repel women (with the possible but not total exclusion of regular female nerds) with such efficiency as to be almost instant. It is unknown how such this behavior is passed on as without any mating, there?s no genetic basis for this behavior and it would be completely insane for someone to learn it. Here now, for those curious about this bizarre creature, is a list of the ten biggest ways the ultra-nerdy repel women.

10) Believing Themselves to be Cool, Despite All Evidence to the Contrary

While being nerdy may not appeal to women, being nerdy and believing yourself to be cool or ?dangerous? is even worse. You may wear a leather jacket and talk about how you got ?totally fucked up? at a party last night, but a lady can tell what you really meant is that you were up until three in the morning guzzling Mountain Dew Code Red grinding away in World of Warcraft. The lies come through pretty easily; especially when you pretend to be cool, yet talk meekly and with a lot of hesitation. Also when you get details wrong, such as ?Oh yeah, we were playing a lot of beer pong. You know, where you drink beer and play Pong. It?s pretty awesome once you get really wasted and can?t even move the paddle controls correctly.?

9) Correcting a Girl When She Gets a Character’s/Monster’s/Spaceship’s/Etc.’s Name Wrong

Yes, you may know all the interior layout of the U.S.S. Enterprise back to front, but you should realize that such information isn?t important to most people. In fact, there are some people out there who don?t know the slightest thing about Star Trek, and many of them of the female persuasion. So when a girl asks ?Oh Star Trek? Is that the one with Captain Kurt?? It?s incredibly repellent to angrily growl ?KIRK! IT?S CAPTAIN KIRK! JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK! GOD, HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT? ARE YOU RETARDED??

8) Staring at the Boobs of an Action Figure

Yes, you?ve purchased yet another scantily clad Japanese action figure/statuette/porn with big boobs. Oh, the women will come a runnin?. Especially after you show off that statuette to your friends talking about ?how delicious? the figure is, pointing out the fine sculpting on the panties and cleavage, staring at it like Gollum stares at the One Ring. This obsessive staring only says to a woman that it is only a matter of time before you move out of your parent?s basement, get your own house and start collecting actual Japanese schoolgirls.

7) Never Changing the Subject from His Nerd Obsession

Perhaps you are obsessed with, say Firefly. Let us say that the girl in question is actually interested in Firefly (by some rare cosmic event). Starting every sentence with ?Oh, have you seen that one episode where?? gets old after about .5 minutes. Especially when you interrupt the other person to start another question about Firefly at any chance you get, as if the person is going to be worked up into the same sweaty frenzy that you are and not be annoyed and bored and think about they many ways they can inflict pain on you.

6) Believing Guitar Hero Skills Are at All Equivalent to Playing a Real Guitar

So you can play ?Welcome to the Jungle? on Expert mode? Guess what? Even if you are the best Guitar Hero player in the entire world and she herself likes playing Guitar Hero it?s not going to be as impressive to a girl as someone who is mediocre at playing an actual guitar. Playing Guitar Hero really well is not even equivalent being an actual musician. If you are playing Guitar Hero, all you are doing is showing her is that you can play a videogame really well, and unless the World Champion of Halo 3 starts appearing on the cover of GQ, this isn?t a tactic that is going to get you laid.

5) Playing Star Trek-Themed Music on an Actual Guitar

So, you?ve taken the time to actually learn how to play a musical instrument. Now you?ve learned how to play a cover of the Rolling Stones? “Satisfaction.” Okay, good, things are going well?until…it dawns on her you?ve changed all the lyrics to Deep Space 9 references and named it “Bajorian Faction!” YOU WERE SO CLOSE TO ACTUALLY BEING APPEALING TO WOMEN AND YOU?VE DRIVEN OFF THE CLIFF OF EMOTIONAL APPEAL INTO THE NO SEX RAVINE!! Ergh. Such a disappointment. Perhaps you?ll enter a severe depression and start writing some original blues tunes. No, not relating to Tron. No.

4) Saying More Than One Monty Python References a Month

Yes, Monty Python is funny. It?s not so funny when someone is referencing it all the damn time, such as saying ?It?s not dead, it?s resting,? ?African or European swallow? or the dreaded ?Ni.? It?s not only not appealing to women, but to all human beings who don?t have the same horrible social disorder as you. I myself would rather have someone describe, in detail, the slow death of a kitten being bitten to death by fire ants than to hear someone perform all of the ?Cheeseshop? sketch yet again.

3) Having Long Hair for the Sole Purpose of S.C.A. Events

It is the 21st Century. Even though you participate in the Society for Creative Anachronism and beat yourself senseless with rattan swords, you should still take the time to return to the non-anachronistic present and cut the damn thing, or at least brush it. I mean, if you?re really going to go for an accurate look that would fit in with the Middle Ages, you should really contract the Bubonic Plague, then accent that with some scars from the bloodletting that was a common treatment at the time. Nothing says ?sexy? like a shivering fever, scars, and sweat-stained hair.

2) Failing to Wash

You should keep in mind that women are like other human beings and have a sense of smell, and don?t want to smell your sour milk sweat and Cheet-o stank. It?s pretty simple. If you can smell yourself, you need a shower. If you can?t smell yourself, you need a shower. Shower once a day. Shower after anything to make you sweat, like leaving your one-bedroom apartment for the first time in two weeks and walking down to the Gamestop to see if your pre-order Xbox 360 game has arrived. Shower every hour if you are at a Sci-fi Convention.

1) Wearing a Costume Anytime Other Than Halloween

Wearing a Star Wars Clone trooper uniform that you made yourself because the ones you buy online aren?t ?authentic enough? shows that you have attention to detail, a knack for costuming, and you are utterly wasting both of these skills by not being a gay fashion designer. It shows the woman that you like Star Wars so much that you will put all your time and attention into it and she will be a mere afterthought. Now, regular nerdy women might tolerate or even enjoy you adding cons to the list of approved cosplay events, but just wearing your Clone Trooper helmet around the apartment? Not acceptable social behavior, boy.

Kicking it up a notch, some people just do away with the standard Clone Trooper outfit and replace it with a fox head, add a furry tail, some large comical gloves, and boobs. What little girl hasn?t dreamed of growing up, seeing a fox in the forest, have that fox stand on two legs, grow boobs, put on a Clone Trooper outfit and take her to be his bride? This tells the woman that you have not only obsessed over Star Wars, but obsessed over the idea of a fox as a human that you can have sex with. Preferably one wielding a lightsaber.