Happy New Year to you, Topless Roboteers! I'm ending my last half-assed day of the half-assed work week (result as previously mentioned in the comments: quarter-assed) with this spectacular video, which should disturb you as much as little Skip's advances have seemed to disturb young Peter Parker below. It is a rendition of Michael Jackson's "Thriller," and if you think it's going to be odd because the girl is played by one of those Japanese anime girl humping-pillows, that...that's not even going to make the Top 10 of weird, horrifying, brain-liquefying things that are wrong in this video. It is technically Safe For Work, but I warn you that any boss with any kind of sense of morality would fire you if he/she caught you watching this video. For those who survive--my utmost apologies, and I'll see you in '09--January 5th at 9am EST sharp. Be there and be square, baby.

Well, make that two villains: pornography and Skip Wescott, the Kid Who Is Waaaaaay Too Friendly. This is from an old Spidey/Power Pack comic about the perils of...sex? Abuse? Experimenting with friends of the same gender? All of it, probably. You can see more--of the preamble, not the messy, shameful results--here. Sorry, Skip, but Peter doesn't websling that way. If you grew up able to peep into MJ's bedroom, you'd be saving yourself to experiment with her too.

In all seriousness, I don't know that I've ever been so disturbed by a Spider-man panel. If Peter had sold Mary Jane to Mephisto to make sure this little scene never happened, I wouldn't have blamed him in the slightest.

You may hate Hasbroes' kiddie-fied Heroes series (and I'm sorry about your lack of a capacity for joy) but surely you can still appreciate Mezco and Mike Mignola aping the style of Marvel's Superhero Squad and the like for these cute BRPD Buddies. The two-packs include Hellboy and a Golden Army Soldier, Hellboy and Abe Sapien, Prince Nuada and Wink, and Hellboy and Johann Kraus, all from Hellboy II (although Liz Sherman is strangely absent). They're due in June and you can get the whole set for $32 over at Big Bad Toy Store, which seems reasonable until you think about it and realize that's $8 per pack, so I suggest not thinking about it.

Watchmen Exclusive

...because it's just another one of those MySpace watchmen featurettes, worth watching because there's a lot of new footage tucked away in there, including Moloch, Doc Manhattan actually disintegrating a Vietnamese soldier, the tenement fire, Mars, and more. Non-haters, there's plenty to be excited by. Haters, you may continue to hate in the comments--actually, one of the clips of Silk Spectre seemed especially dodgy to me--but I don't think you can hate on director Zack Snyder's incredibly obtuse character descriptions, because remember, this feature is for MySpace and its denizens, 60% are teenage whores. He's describing the characters to them, not us, so I don't think this is evidence of him not "getting it." Just sayin'. (Via /Film)

I feel like it's missing "I'm hungry," but otherwise, this is pretty awesomely accurate. Happy New Year's Eve, by the way.

By Caleb Goellner

Everyone loves the Berenstain Bears. Created by Stan and Jan Berenstain, the bear family has been fortifying young readers with uplifting tales since the early '60s. But make no mistake; despite the wholesome nature of life in Bear Country, its residents aren't immune to the complexities of modern life. In addition to complications with anthropomorphic bear hygiene, Papa, Mama, Brother and Sister Bear have to deal with bullies, strangers, guns and even racism. The Berenstains succeeded in writing about moral situations without getting preachy, but as art imitates life, sometimes it's uncomfortable to watch good bears get put in bad situations. Read on for a look at the eight Berenstain Bears books that force nerds to remember their own uncomfortable upbringings.

This man has somehow trained his one-year-old daughter into naming a bevy of videogame icons, including many she shouldn't know, and maybe two I didn't know. It's impressive as it is kind of sketchy, because either his child is a genius or he's done some pretty terrible things to a baby to get her to remember who Alucard is ("You'll get your pacifier after you name eight more characters, you miserable little pile of secrets!"). Rest assured in 15 years, either way this little girl will be breaking nerd hearts...or her father's, when she gives up playing videogames to become a cheerleader. (Via Geekologie)

I don't think the Bible says anything explicitly about sodas referencing Japanese high school girls getting violated by aliens/demons/demonic aliens signaling the end of times, put it probably should have. Still, since it doesn't, Tentacle Grape soda--which bills itself as "the hentai soda," as if that were at all an appealing thing--gets a free pass. Besides the whole tentacle rape theme, the drink is also noteworthy because I think it's one of the few beverages you have to pre-order, at $16 for a six-pack, which you can do here. Hey, getting tentacles to perform illegal and immoral acts ain't cheap--although my worry is when the company decides to add another flavor. (Via Japanator)

The Hollywood Reporter says that Warner Bros., recently fucked by Judge Feess' ruling that Fox indeed has some rights to any Watchmen movie, is ready to take the thing to court instead of settling (at least for now). What this means is that the trial will going on as planned, on January 20th, with Fox's injunction against the Watchmen release on the line. Fox wins (and they certainly seems to have the advantage with Feess), and the Watchmen movie won't be released in March; Warner wins and all is well, although they'll still likely end up paying  Fox some cash at some point. You won't care, as long as you get to see the film.

Now, everyone who's not employed by Warner or Fox thinks this is still all posturing by both studios before they reach a settlement. Call me a pessimist, but I'm starting to not think so. If Fox just wanted money, they had months to ask for cash, and if Warner wanted to actually make sure Watchmen hit its March release date, I think they would have ponied up by now, and it's way too close to the film's release for either studio to not be going all or nothing. My conclusion: everything is totally fucked. But hey! Some goofy Japanese Watchmen bear toys!

Why Medicom is making Watchmen Bearbricks and not regular Kubricks I have no idea. But the thought that Alan Moore, who is certainly laughing maniacally at the Watchmen lawsuit has to die a little seeing adorable Watchmen bear toys gives me some comfort.

Especially the infinite part, because listen to how many 3 3/4-inch figures they're planning on releasing in early '09 alone (courtesy of Action-Figure):

Joker
Nightwing (blue)
Scarecrow
Green Arrow
Superman (classic and prime)
Gotham Swat Officer
Wonder Woman (classic and animated)
Sinestro
Atom (Classic and Modern)
Starfire
The Question (with and without trench coat)
Wondergirl
Black Canary
Power Girl
Thanagarian Soldier (redeco)
Alex Luthor
Adam Strange
Hal Jordan
Dr. Fate
Black Lightning
The Spectre
Manhunter
Wildcat (blue and black)
Star Sapphire
Batman (blue and grey)
Wingman of Thanagar
Gotham Swat Gordan
Omac
Crisis Supergirl

And those are just the single-carded figures! there will also be three-packs based on Gotham Knight (the mediocre Batman anime) with Batman, Deadshot and Scarecrow, as well as a Shazam! pack with Captain Marvel, Black Adam and Mary Marvel. But the one I'm most excited about is the 6-pack you see up top (well, the art, anyways) ofRaven, Cyborg, Robin, Arsenal, The Brain and Mallah. I'm not a big DC fan, but I am a big fan of intelligent apes with foreign accents who are in love with evil brains in limbless robots, which is one of th e more sane things features in grant Morrison's Doom Patrol. You guys can have the other four figures when I buy 'em.