The 10 Types of Videos That Make Up 90% of YouTube

By Rob Bricken in Daily Lists, Miscellaneous
Friday, December 12, 2008 at 5:02 am

5) Star Wars Re-Edited With Star Trek Footage

Man, what is better than reading fanfic? Perhaps it's seeing someone's wet dream of the U.S.S. Enterprise fighting a Star Destroyer come to life by badly editing together footage from Return of the Jedi and "A Balance of Terror!" Never mind that almost nobody (other than TR readers) gives a damn, this person took the time and effort to put mismatched footage together in ways that crap on all the laws of aesthetics. Lasers and photon torpedoes are firing haphazardly as ships are flying at opposing angles in clearly different places in their respective universe. Awkward dialogue between actors transpires that if it were between two actual people, you would think that someone had suffered a stroke, and that someone was you. Admittedly, there are a few good ones, but overall, it's yet another example as to why Apple is going to Hell for inventing iMovie.

4) Horrible Skateboarding Accidents

See as someone takes their skateboard to ride the handrail of a flight of stairs only to fall on their manhood, fall sideways, and crack their skull open. See then as someone asks the stupid question of "Dude, are you all right?"  When clearly that question should have been asked before the skateboarder said "Watch this!" before he rode four feet above the hard concrete stairs on the board bought with the best money a minimum wage fast food job can buy, without a helmet, kneepads, or cup. See further footage of other people falling onto concrete played in slow motion so you can see the moment the compound fracture occurs and the orthopedic surgeon makes six figures. The most impressive part about these videos is that someone who is supposedly the friend of these injured people not only filmed their horrible accident, but put it up where anyone could see it. Now, that's a friend for sure.

3) Crappy Bands
' Crappy Videos

What's that grainy, shaky footage? Is it hard-hitting investigative journalism of a Senator doing cocaine in Lincoln Bedroom? No, it's footage of a band that sounds exactly like every band you hear on the radio except the drummer has no rhythm, the guitarists fumble through chords like they spent too much time playing Guitar Hero, and the lead singer screeches like a rake dragged across a rusty piece of sheet metal. All picked up by a crappy microphone with a crappy image on a crappy phone/video camera from 1992. The text for the video will tell you how awesome the band is as they play Slipknot covers at a bar that looks like it should be closed down for fifteen fire code violations to an audience of five people with collective intelligence of one cat. The only enjoyable part of this cinema crapburger is trying to guess which band members will become bitter middle-aged furniture salesmen, bitter middle-aged sociology professors, or dead of a heroin overdose.

2) A Teenage Girl Who Only Gets So Many Views Because Perverts Masturbate To Her

Is there not enough porn on the Internet for some people?  Horrifyingly, no! You will see a video of a cute teenage girl. The video itself contains almost nothing of relevance. The girl will talk about her day of going around and looking at trees, then maybe have a video of her running around a park in fairy wings. There's no great artistic expression, no deep narrative, nothing. There's a sad tragedy to this, with a girl just wanting to be liked, but being liked mostly by people that if she met them in real life, she would spend the rest of her life trying to erase the darkness that fell upon her like the Marquis De Sade at a nudist colony.   

1) Air Show Disasters Edited to Metallica

A Russian Jet Fighter slams into a crowd of people at an air show. There is screaming, there is carnage, there is chaos. A horrifying accident captured on video. I think we can all agree nothing accuratelys capture the human drama of this moment than the soundtrack of Metallica's "For Whom The Bell Tolls." Yes, on YouTube, plane crashes and Metallica go together like peanut butter and jelly. The fast moving crushing metal of a B-52 slamming nose-first into the tarmac along with the fast crushing metal of "One." Never mind that five people just died in a horrible accident; that's just part of the ROCKING. Expect also to see biplanes torn apart as they collide in mid-air to "Enter Sandman," and a passenger jet pin wheeling across the ocean to "Nothing Else Matters," in this artistic expression of akin to a teenager shouting "Hulk Smash" before throwing a glass bottle on the concrete outside a convenience store.

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