By Chris Cummins

The 1980s. It was a decade when elderly women could become superstars merely by complaining about the size of hamburgers. A time when the words "guitar hero" only conjured up mental images of Eddie Van Halen. A simpler era when Star Wars fandom was not only acceptable, but encouraged. Sadly, the '80s are long gone, and all the collectible He-Man figures in the world can't change that. Sigh. From a nerd's perspective, it was a great time to be alive--largely in part due to the rise of the video arcade. For a brief moment in history, videogames helped cross societal boundaries to unite us all. Regardless of age, racial background or sexual orientation, people everywhere could enjoy a game of Space Invaders. The only trouble is that most of the games from the classic era of gaming (from the dawn of 1980 right about to when the NES hit big time in 1987-88) were really strange. It may have been great fun to play Dig Dug, but have you actually thought about the impact that destroying Pookas may have had on your prepubescent self? Most of the time, arcade games were completely shithouse bonkers, completely devoid of any logic or reasonable goal. Which just adds to their awesomeness. Here's a look at 10 classic games that are as confusing as they are incredible.

10) Donkey Kong 3

The Halloween III of video games, this third entry in the Donkey Kong saga replaced Mario with an exterminator named Stanley who is trying to rid his greenhouse of the big ape. Like the deep-sixing of Michael Myers, people weren't happy about this change either. If you can overlook the game's complete lack of the stereotype-reinforcing plumber, you'll be rewarded with the surprising pleasures that shooting insecticide up Donkey Kong's ass has to offer.

9) Q*bert

What the hell is Q*bert anyway? His true origins are as mysterious as the carefully placed asterisk in his name. Here's what we know: he's an orange bulbous fellow who is forced to spend eternity jumping around a pyramid-shaped screen changing the colors of blocks while a snake and other various assholes try to screw with him. So is it any wonder he's screaming profanity all the time?

8) Mikie

According to this 1984 oddity from Konami, romance and violence go hand in hand. In the game, you portray the titular character, a blonde pretty boy who wanders around his high school collecting hearts that are actually pieces of a letter written to him by his girlfriend. With school being hell and all, he is pursued by various staff members, football players and the bitchiest dance students this side of Fame. This all sounds pretty lame until you take into account that you ward off your various enemies by throwing things and headbutting them. Imagine how great high school would have been if you were able to inflict head-on-head injury to that jackass who failed you in chemistry or the gym teacher who insisted on trying to make you put the basketball through the hoop thingy when you'd rather be daydreaming about Spider-Man. Mikie is nothing less than pure wish fulfillment, even if the main object of the game is lame. And yes, that is The Beatles' A Hard Day's Night you hear on the soundtrack. Was the track authorized, or used illegally to reinforce the game's rebellious ideology? You decide (although it was obviously illegal).

7) Pac-Land

The most disturbing revelation of the Pac-Man cartoon series was that Pac lead a relatively normal domestic life, minus the whole evil wizard who lives nearby and controls phantasms thing. So, if the TV show presents an accurate portrayal of his daily life, then what exactly is going on in the game? Are his arms and legs removable? Is Pac-Man's job to go around a maze all day and eat power pellets? If so, why don't the ghosts realize that their gig sucks and unionize? Or, even odder, does Pac-Man just do it secretly for kicks while Pepper stays at home dealing with all of Baby Pac and Chomp Chomp's bullshit? Before the Pac-Man/Don Draper comparisons begin, it should probably be mentioned that things go from strange to downright Lynchian in Pac-Land. In the platformer, it is revealed that our yellow hero keeps a fairy under his hat whom he must return home to Fairyland. Huh? Once he accomplishes this Homeric task, he is given a magical pair of red boots to help him on his journey back home. Again, huh? One cannot even begin to imagine. Regardless, it sure is fun to see Pac-Man strutting around the streets of his town--even if he is up to all kinds of no good.

6) Domino Man

Created by the same team responsible for Tapper and Timber (and featuring a main character who looks eerily familiar to fans of those games), this 1983 release from Bally Midway is so insane that it features, wait for it, poetry and dominos! As you try to set up a domino display, bullies, killer bees and troublesome bystanders undo your work. If you somehow get to line up all of your dominos, you have the pleasure of knocking them all down and moving onto the next board. At the end of the game, players have their progress analyzed through on-screen poems. Not e.e. cummings-quality stanzas mind you, but they are pretty good for an obscure videogame.