Those brilliant Star Trek: The Next Generation edited episodes reminded me of my one attempt to watch TNG. I had enjoyed the original Trek, mostly because it was goofy as hell, and had enough sci-fi nerd friends that  talked about how awesome Picard and crew was. So I turned it on, and got some terrible pile of shit where everyone on the ship started mutating into bugs or something. Worse, everyone said they were "evolving" into giant bugs, which triggered my admittedly high stupidity reflex. Needless to say, I never watched again.

But it gave me the idea for today's contest, in that I want to hear the stupidest episode of whatever sci-fi show you suffered through. All the Treks and Stargates and Battlestars and such are fair game, as well as anything that made it longer than a couple of episodes -- so no TV movies. Post-apocalypses are okay as long as they still have a sci-fi element. Don't forget to explain why the ep was so bad, because I'm sure as hell not going to be watching it.

As always, the contest rules are here, and the contest ends at 3am Monday, EST. Make it mean, make it funny, and make it so, Topless Roboteers. See you on Monday.

I know the Hitler/Downfall re-subtitling meme is so 2008, but Ground Zero just sent me this video, and it has something for everyone. Anime and Dragonball fans can marvel at Hitler's incredibly well-supported problems with the changes to the original manga, and anime haters can point out that liking anime is tantamount to Nazism.

Please -- no one tell Hitler than they turned Chun Li from a Hong Kong cop to a concert pianist in the new Street Fighter flick, okay?

Today's story comes to us from author HiccupingRhino, as found by TR reader Shy Spades. Shy Spades thought she'd be kind enough to help me out by finding a few FFF submission for me. Now, Shy Spades is a gibbering lunatic, locked away for the remainder of her life. This story was the final straw. I mean, it's the Care Bears. You know it's going to be mind-shatteringly awful. So let's just get into it.

Grumpy Bear put his paws over his ears and tried to drown out the celebratory music coming from a few clouds over. Birthday Bear had thrown yet another party. Like they needed MORE parties. Care-a-lot was over run with happy singing and dancing already. He grumbled to himself and contemplated taking the pointy end of a star to his throat.
"Hey Grumpy! Whatcha doin' over here all alone? Birthday Bear's about to cut the cake!"
Cheer Bear skipped over to the cloud Grumpy was sitting on and plopped down next to him.
Grumpy rolled his eyes and turned away. "Leave me alone."
"Aww, come on Grumpy Pants! Cheer up! You wanna play a game?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Are you really really really sure?"
"Fuck off Cheer!"
The beginnings of a pout started on Cheer Bear's face, but naturally she overcame it quickly.
"I know! Let's play 'I Spy'. You can go first!" She grinned and looked at him expectantly.
Grumpy Bear shook his head in annoyance. Sometimes he just wanted to smack her. His frown turned to a sly smirk as an idea struck him.
"Ok, I spy something red."
Cheer Bear practically jumped with joy and started looking around excitedly.
"Oh! Ummm... part of my rainbow?" She asked while pointing to her tummy.
"No. Guess again."
"Uhhh... one of the birthday balloons?"
"Nope."
Cheer Bear grinned. "Wow, you're good Grumpy!"
"You have no idea", he said under his breath. "Look under the cloud."
"Ok!" Cheer crawled over to the edge of the cloud and looked down. "I don't see anything red."
Grumpy slowly inched up behind her. "Look farther."
Cheer bent lower. "I still don't see anyth---OW!!!"
Grumpy had slapped her furry pink rear as hard as he could.
"Grumpy!! What was that for?" Cheer yelled as she stood back up.
"Your ass."
"What?"
"Your ass, that's what I spied."

That isn't the lesson. The lesson is after the jump, and involves Care Bear bodily fluids. Please, for the love of all you hold dear, do not continue reading.
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• Here's a trailer for the Iron Man: Armored Adventures cartoon, which you might remember better as Iron Teen. I'm been trying to find something devastatingly hilarious to say about it, but its cel-shaded CG and utter lack of defining characteristics have thwarted me. Other than that Iron Man is like 13 or something, but we've gone over that. (Via IESB)

• The Star Trek Experience is re-opening in Vegas this May. I'm baffled here, folks; the old Experience closed down last July, well after everyone knew about the new Trek movie. So why shut it down at all? Could it really have saved money to fire everyone, take it all down, and now rebuild it and re-hire and re-train a whole new staff? Also, while I think the movie will do well, I doubt it'll rejuvenate the franchise so much that the Experience stays profitable past October or so. (Via SciFi Wire)


• TV Guide has this pic of Serinda Swan as Zatanna in Smallville, and she looks like Zatanna. Even the Smallville producers know you shouldn't fuck around with a tuxedo top and fishnets. Black Canary's leather jacket and fishnets? They're fine to fuck with, obviously. (Via Comic Book Movie)

Because both are the boards in Hollywood. Columbia Pictures apparently thinks that current special effects technology will make a new Total Recall, if not a better flick, at least a worthwhile one, and The Neverending Story is getting remade, because, well, Hollywood is creatively bankrupt and ran out of idea about a decade ago.

So which is more unnecessary? I've got to go with Total Recall on this one. I believe /Film has it right; the first Recall was a pitch-perfect combination of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Stan Winston's effects, and Paul Verhoeven, all at their awesomest. You can't recreate that, no matter how much you try or how many millions you sink into cutting-edge CG.

Also, I fucking hated The Neverending Story when I was a kid. Between the weird huge flying dog and the kid getting trapped in the book, I wanted nothing to do with it then, and I want nothing to do with it now, especially, if as io9 reports, Warner Bros. plans on making it with "a modern spin." If that goddamn dog has a rap battle with somebody, I will seriously burn down every theater that it plays at.

All hail Jan Van Den Hemel and Andrew Hussie, who are re-editing Star Trek: The Next Generation into these disturbing, surreal, and pretty hilarious shorts. There are apparently 18 of 'em, including Picard trying to kill Counselor Troi with music, so if you liked this one, check out the rest here. And if this is old, I don't care -- none of you lazy bastards tipped me off, so I had to find this from Warming Glow. And it's early and I haven't had my coffee yet, rendering me unable to care about anything, even kittens.

By Shaun Clayton

The end of the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica is near after almost five years of quality television. For the cynics, the expectations are pretty high for an utterly depressing conclusion to the utterly depressing series. For the optimists...what show have you been watching? BSG has been nothing but sadness and death and failure and devastation throughout its four seasons -- and with only four episodes to go, we sincerely doubt they're going to stop now. Based on the incredibly tragic events that have happened so far, here are 20 potential conclusions to this series. Bring a hanky.
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There is no part of this movie I don't desperately, utterly love. I say, Japan, between this and the breast-growing ringtones, you're on quite a roll. A few more positive additions to the world like this, and I'll finally forgive you for all that pedophile-octopus-scat pornography. (Via FilmDrunk)

From Variety:

Warner Bros. is going on a suicide mission, setting up the DC Comics property "Suicide Squad" for Dan Lin ("Sherlock Holmes") to produce as a potential franchise.

...

Stephen Gilchrist from Lin Pictures will co-produce. Justin Marks ("20,000 Leagues Under the Sea," "Hack/Slash," "Street Fighter") is penning the screenplay.

"Suicide Squad" will feature a mix of well-known and unknown villains recruited by the government to accomplish a task deemed too dangerous for superheroes. The historically independent operators must bury their own interpersonal conflicts and agendas to form a cohesive unit to take on a singular task.

From Topless Robot: There's no goddamn way. First of all, let's remember that Warner Bros. has announced about a dozen DC films over the past few years -- Green Lantern, Green Arrow, Aquaman, the Supermax movie starring Green Arrow, a dozen different Superman films, and more -- and none of them have ever gotten close to being made. And those are the films starring heroes. Suicide Squad is mostly nth-tier villains, who mass audiences would not and will not give the tiniest shit about. The "well-known" villains? Well, they kind of need to be introduced in actual goddamn superhero movies before they become "well-known" to mass audiences.

Second, I was under the impression that Warner and DC sat down recently to have a big brainstorming session about how to make a decent DC movie universe, or a least a coherent motion picture release plan, given Marvel's recent box office badassery. If doing Suicide Squad was the end result of that meeting -- if they believe they should be making a Suicide Squad movie before a Wonder Woman movie -- then it is frankly amazing these people can put on their pants in the morning without accidentally strangling themselves.

I'm not saying Suicide Squad is a bad concept, or that it wouldn't make for a fun -- even good -- movie. But it would absolutely flop at the box office because mass audiences don't know about these characters. Eventually, the one person with a lick of sense over at Warner/DC will realize this, and cancel Suicide Squad like they've canceled all the other movies. Meanwhile, the genuinely known DC heroes will continue waiting with their super-thumbs up their super-asses.

And that plan is to to move horizontally, descend a few feet, move horizontally the other direction, and get slightly faster. Personally, I can see no flaw in it -- or this swell shirt from Threadless, currently available for $18 here.