The Worst Thing You Ever Did to a Toy: And the Winner Is…

WOW.

I said I hoped that you guys would be depraved, and man, did you guys pony up. Here’s what I’ve learned since form this contest, which I honestly feel was the best ever:
    1) Every kid who owned an Evel Knieval figure set it on fire
    2) None of our parents ever supervised us for even a minute
    3) I think we just proved all of Freud’s theories about children and sex in one weekend
Really, I should be giving about 100 of you guys Honorable Mentions, but I’m a little short on time, so here are the Really Honorable Mentions. If you have the time, definitely go back and read them all. You won’t be disappointed. Scared? Turned on? possibly. But not disappointed.

? Teeks, for “He ended up looking like something you’d find in some crazy puppet version of Saw.”
? MKitn, for “Teddy Ruxpin had no more stories. He lay silent from that day on.”
? Gasstank, for “Ahh, good times…come to think of it why was I allowed to play with a belt sander unsupervised?”
? B.E., for the G.I. Joe Death Pit of Fire
? CTrees, for most creative use of a forklift
? Hugo, for introducing me to Jiban
? Mick, for sharing
? RSA, for also sharing
? forester, for being awesome and not getting arrested
? Lucy, for never forgetting or forgiving
? Coconut Monkey, for “[The dog] jumped up and proceeded to rape Billy Bob. … It was horrible, but probably the worst part was that no
one stopped it. We just sat there as the dog gave it its with those
tiny little legs.”
? poptart13, for “i would tease the 3.75 inch gi joes sexually with my barbies, since
they were so small comparatively, it wouldn’t work. the barbies would
always dump them for he-man and the one ken i had. my barbies were such
hoes.”
? Joe, for possibly being the devil
? Neugin, for “[My little sister] had a teddy ruxpin, and I discovered you could tape your own
recorded message if you wanted. So all of teddy’s messages of friendly
cheer were erased, and replaced with teddy ruxpin detailing how much
she sucked, and how all people should hail the eternal glory and
greatness of me, the future emperor of the world.”
? Sean, for “I used to bury Chewbacca in my sandbox in hopes of growing a Wookiee tree.”
? Jay, for correctly combing feces and Snarf
? Scrooged, for also also sharing

I’d also like to especially honorably mention ZeroCorpse, for not one, but three separate tales of insane debauchery, brutal justice and taking the Superman/Jesus metaphor all the way. Well played, sir. You are one sick puppy. But I’m happy to announce the winner is long-time Topless Robot commenter Arsenal, for not only destroying toys, but destroying his sister’s sanity in an elaborate and hilariously cruel attack:

My sister and I battled each other for 21 years. There were many causes for this a major one would have to be this.

She had a lot of My Little Ponies. I mean a lot. There was an
incident one time where she stole some of my TMNT toys so I was out for
revenge. I collected over a few weeks a dozen or so of her MLP. I
popped the heads off of every one of these little debutant ponies,
while they mocked me with their smiles and their scratch and sniff
asses. I then poked little holes into one of the feet of each one. and
inside all of the main bodies I placed a model rocket engine, let the
ignition wire through the holes and at attached them all to a few
starters. I then ran inside the house and called for my sister telling
her I found all the missing ponies and they were outside ready to have
a party with her. She walks outside and I hit the ignition switches.
There was fuzz and melted plastic and a few Pony heads that flew into
the air and the sound of my sister becoming a jaded human being behind
me.

As that was not enough for me I took the heads that were still
salvageable and glued them to various dinosaurs to make these 3 headed
monsters that would torment her further for weeks.

Arsenal gets the shirt, but you all get my gratitude for providing so damn much entertainment. Now I’m going to re-read all the dirty entries.