By Rob Bricken in
Daily Lists, TV
Wednesday, Apr. 15 2009 @ 5:04AM
By Caleb Goellner
Americanizing certain intellectual properties is a terrible idea. Yes, there have been more than a few success stories over the years. The Office, American Idol and pretty much every third game show are Britain-born media machines that have translated into mountains of stateside cash and effectively launched the careers of many of today's hottest stars. But there's one character nobody should touch: The Doctor. Since the creation of Doctor Who nearly half a century ago, the world's longest-running science fiction series has practically become a stripe on the Union Jack. That's the way fans (from any country) like it.
The Doctor is essentially the UK's Superman, Captain Kirk and Bill Nye all rolled into one, capturing the region's voice through colorful, endearing and socially relevant speculative fiction. He's like James Bond, only a lot nicer to bad guys and with a much, much lower budget. Some ideas make it across the pond for successful repackaging, but the Doctor, despite all of his powers, could never regenerate through an American translation. Read on to learn why America is much better off simply importing its Doctor Who.
8) The CARDIS
While the original Doctor's time traveling space ship was modeled after a '50s police call box, the American TARDIS (which stands for, "Time And Relative Dimensions In Space") would take on the characteristics of the nation's favorite conveyance - the automobile. Sure, the third Doctor had a Who Mobile ala Batman, but that was only to cruise around during his exile on Earth. Just imagine the kind of machine American producers would put a time traveling hero in for full-fledged time and space adventures! Better yet, try not to.
7) Doctor Who: Agent
of UNIT
During his exile on Earth, the Third Doctor spent his days fighting for the United Nations as a liaison to UNIT, which is essentially the Whoverse's version of SHIELD right down to the helicarrier. During his time with the team, the Doctor constantly fought for diplomacy and peace, which amounted to very little given mankind's unwillingness to coddle murderous alien menaces. The American Doctor would cut the sympathizer crap, becoming Brigadier Alistair Lethbridge-Stewart's most lethal soldier in a war against Sea Devils, Cybermen and any other bad guy worth capping. The Doctor may have a big heart, but he ain't afraid to put a mad dog down. Yeah.
6) Tasteless
Celebrity Guest Appearances / Crossovers
Admittedly the BBC's Doctor Who has featured a few guest stars over the years. Most recently, Morrissey played a role as "The Next Doctor." Here's the difference between this kind of role and what would happen in America - Doctor Who didn't need the guest appearance for ratings. However, if the American Doctor Who were anything like this list says it'd be, it would need them. Badly. Maybe even a laugh track after the third series, er, season? Instead of crossing over with sister series Torchwood or The Sarah Jane Adventures, the Doctor would be cold chill'n with Snoop D-O-double G or maybe swooping in for some face time on one of MTV's reality shows. There's just so much potential for pain. Don't think it couldn't happen.
5) Guns, Guns, Guns
The Doctor's former companion Captain Jack represents the problem with acting like a cowboy in the Whoverse. His first appearance in the episode "The Empty Child" contrasted an aggressive, capitalistic way of doing things with the Doctor's Hippocratic method, specifically the use of Jack's sonic guns vs. the use of the Doctor's sonic screwdriver (he solves problems with his brain instead of violence, see?). Given that unarmed action heroes aren't very appealing on this side of the Atlantic, The American Doctor would meet fans half way by carrying a piece AND a sonic tool. When things got really tough, he would even combine the two! It's an action hero line waiting to happen. "Screw Off," he'd mutter as he blasted a sonic screwdriver from the barrel of his custom .45 straight through Davros' flaccid forehead.
4) Youth
American audiences would eventually tire of the Doctor's elderly appearance, instead opting for a younger, hipper star. In fact, they'd probably go for a guy in his mid '20s just to get people talking....wait, what? What's he doing here?
3) Sluts
The Doctor has played host to many traveling companions over the years, but he seems to have a soft spot in his hearts for sassy young ladies. To this cad's credit, his taste in women is typically relegated to intelligence and realism (kinda). "Girls next door," curves, crooked teeth and all are at the top of his list. That just wouldn't fly here in the states. Eyes need candy no matter how awful the acting is, and the Doctor isn't too busy riding the turn of the universe to take a side trip to Hooters.
2) Product Placement
Aside from the subtle and appropriate use of genericized Apple keyboards in the Who episode, "Silence In the Library," the good Doctor and the predominantly publically-supported BBC has seemingly shied away from the fourth-wall shattering practice of product placement. Fan's could kiss that goodbye if "Who" were a product of an American studio. Everything would be up for grabs. "Oi, I've finally fixed the chameleon circuit!" The Doctor would proclaim as the TARDIS shifted into the form of Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s NASCAR and headed for Disney Land to solve the mystery of the missing Coca-Cola truck from planet Wal-Mart. Parched from restoring the time stream to its natural order, the Doctor and his companions would throw back some Snapple before heading to future Chili's for ribs. All in a corporate sponsored day's work, mate.
1) The Contiguous
United States Would Be a Smoking Crater
Forget the eye patch, the monster truck TARDIS, the guns, the cowboy attitude and all of the other American stereotypes that'd bastardize the Doctor Who franchise. Every true patriot should thank his or her makers for the Doctor's UK fetish for one reason alone: inglorious self-preservation. Everywhere the Doctor goes, death follows. In recent years, mainland England has seen alien invasions on a nearly weekly basis, leaving innumerable casualties and property damage in their wake. Sure, it'd be cool to have a charismatic alien genius running around the streets of New York City talking fast about physics and yelling at robots, but it wouldn't be worth the cost in this down economy. Besides, between the Cloverfield monster, Chris Brown and The Jonas Bros' popularity, the United States is probably better off without a hero with 903 years of baggage.
Tags: Doctor Who, England
38 comments
Comments
Chelsea said:
For a second there I thought that the big crater was because an American translation of Doctor Who would result in the UK killing us dead. Mexico to Canada would end up like Sunnydale at the end of Buffy.
Darren said:
I think that the crater is the result of the BBC. You may have heard about their over-the-top clamp down on copyright infringement (The Ood knitting pattern scandal!)
Anonymous said:
if only it really was MORRISSEY playing The Next Doctor...
next week on When Geekdoms Collide
DR WHO HERETIC said:
if only it really was MORRISSEY playing The Next Doctor...
next week on When Geekdoms Collide
Law Dog said:
Let us not forget the American made Eighth Doctor movie. Doctor Seven got himself capped.
Hombretubes said:
This list would be a lot less complicated if we accepted that the recent reboot of Doctor Who didn't exist. In fact, analysing Doctor Who in general would be much more fun if we pretended that Doctor Who stopped existing after Jonathan Nathan-Turner became the producer at the end of the Tom Baker (except for parts of Sylvester McCoy's tenure - he was great).
Point being, the new series is already halfway-American. And the Doctor would never said 'oi'.
Stuart Ian Burns said:
There was a big long article in the party newsletter (Doctor Who Magazine) a couple of months ago calling for a US remake of the series and it didn't seem like such a bad idea so long as they go the whole hog and cast an American actor in the central role and try to give it an essential Americaness. In other words, Quantum Leap with monsters and alien worlds.
Brion said:
Absolutely brilliant! I'm excited and nervous for this new doctor. Mainly because he looks like he can fit into any typical emo band.
Kris said:
"Quantum Leap with monsters and alien worlds."
So, Sliders?
J169 said:
No mention of they wanted to play The Doctor in 1996 TVM?
It was The Hoff.
8den said:
Sorry Rob it was the actor David Morrisey not Morrissey from the Smiths, in the 2008 episode the Next Doctor.
The best example of stunt casting in Doctor Who, is diminutive singer Kylie Minogue in the 2007 Christmas Special.
Or just Bonnie Langford and Sylvester Mc Coy
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bonnie_Langford
Sudder.
chad said:
the list forgets to include that an American remake of the doctor would also mean a lot of the classic villian's would change too like the daleks would be water down and proabley be replaced by gust stars not to mention the doctor would have to do promotion talk show and proably reality show pop ups. besides think the bBc has a high price tag and red tape for any such thing to ever happend thankfully
EspanolBot said:
Technically it was David Morrissey who was in the Next Doctor, not (Steven Patrick) Morrissey the singer. David Morrissey was in that crap Ten Plagues-themed horror film the Reaping a few years ago, dunno if Morrissey can act though.
John Cleese was in Dr Who for a scene way back when though. :)
p!es said:
"unarmed action heroes aren't very appealing on this side of the Atlantic"
one word.
MacGyver.
Mitchell Craig said:
I'm perfectly happy with Doctor Who as it is. Any attempt at Americanizing it would result in the British finishing the job they started last time they burned down the White House during the War of 1812.
And they have nukes.
Genjamin said:
Hey, I enjoy both versions of The Office very much, they just have differing styles of humor. The American Office doesn't exploit anything you mentioned except possibly celebrity cameos.
TechnicolorNinja said:
DAMN STRAIT!!! I mean, sure, gun-toting, high-octane action with eyepatches is good in some instances, but with the Doctor it would be the worst form of blasphemy. There is a reason Capt. Jack wasn't in charge during The Empty Child...
dacalicious said:
Would it kill you to type "The" in the headline? Or is it supposed to be "funny"?
sammon1013 said:
Kylie was only cast because she is a huge fan of the show.
Jxn said:
p!es said:
"unarmed action heroes aren't very appealing on this side of the Atlantic"
one word.
MacGyver.
Terry Nation, the creator of the Daleks, was a driving force behind the first season of MacGuyver.
Skyrocket said:
On the other hand, if there was an American remake of Dr. Who at least the show would have actors who can speak American English without sounding absurd.
Snoodle said:
Anything that can be seen as stunt-casting is purely because people really want to be in the show, not as a ratings grab. Probably one of the very few shows that can boast that.
Great list though! All very true.
I'm very optimistic about Matt Smith (who will be Eleven) though, because they were casting for someone over 40 to be the next Doctor, then he wandered in, did his audition, and apparently wowed them in to giving him the part. So he can't be too bad :p
I also appreciate you not adding a picture of Eric Roberts that time he played the Master. Let's all try and forget that ever happened.
John Pate said:
Dr Who is shit. I say this as someone from the UK. How could any change to it possibly make it worse. Jeez, it makes ``Sanctuary'' seem like a real TV show in comparison.
Michael said:
Law Dog: The Eighth Doctor only aired on American TV. It was Canadian-made.
ZeroCorpse said:
Doctor #12 *has to be* an old man. Someone in his 60s, at least. They can't go any younger (people would balk at a teenage Doctor) and if they have to go older, they might as well make it a jarring change.
Of course, since there are no more Timelords, and he's no longer restricted by their laws when it comes to regenerations, he can keep on going past the twelfth. No big deal now.
I do hope the next Doctor spends a little more time away from Earth, though. He's been hanging around here too much!
Doctor Death said:
David Tennant and his Converse were what made that show watchable again!
The guy looks like a total Fag. He will wear all black AGAIN like the boring-ass 9th doctor who looked like he was a failed extra from the movie SNATCH!
Tennant was funny, charismatic, exciting and he had two of the hottest companions EVER! He made Doctor Who fun again.
I can't watch this new guy... I just KNOW he's going to suck.
If they made an American version of this show... I say we go with stupid hot redneck girl wanders onto stolen UFO/Time-Machine and her and the cool alien spend all their time traveling through time trying to fix bad hollywood decisions and in their off time they have hot Daisy Duke Tentacle Sex.
I would watch that... WHO else?
Terrible Punster said:
Morrissey songs, If Morrissey was the Doctor:
Hand of Omega in Glove
Davros Strikes Again
Rani Take a Bow
Girlfriend in a Parallel Universe
Last of the Famous International Time Lords
OM said:
"The best example of stunt casting in Doctor Who, is diminutive singer Kylie Minogue in the 2007 Christmas Special.
...Was the casting a cunning stunt, or just a case of casting a stun...no, wait. Nevermind.
giberwitz said:
Yes yes, we are all aware of how American remakes are far inferior to their UK counterparts, excuse me if I don't tremble at the thought of a over sized trash can holding a plunger and an eggbeater screaming "ex-ter-mi-nate!".
Missy Lynn said:
@ Terrible Punster-- Perhaps "This Charming Man (At Least Until He Un-ReWrites His Biology and Goes Back To Being a TimeLord)" or maybe "Doctor in a Coma (Unless There's Tea)"...too verbose?
As for Americanizing Doctor Who, the idea is nearly blasphemous. I mean, does anybody really want somebody like Zach Braff running around sporting a fedora and attempting to use a sonic McDonald's toy to save the world from the evil turban-wearing Cybermen(who look remarkably Middle-Eastern for robots) while his faithful companion Miley Cyrus (in her new gown-up role) tries to prove how adult and sexy she is by wearing some lace and duct-tape and Wonder-Woman boots as they explore time and space in the corporately sponsored FORD TARDIS? While they do cross-overs with One Tree Hill and save the universe to a comtempo-pop soundtrack that can be purchased on I-Tunes?
Nah, scratch that. The American version would just start calling him "Doctor Who" instead of "The Doctor" at the start of the series, and the BBC Wales would appeal to their government to blow us up. Simple.
varrior said:
I agree, Doctor Who would be treated by American studios with utter disrespect and shit-handedness. It's not entirely true that there's never been American action heroes who've stayed away from guns (MacGyver being the obvious example) but in the modern day and climate he would *not* fly. I'm not a huge fan of the series, but I agree that he should stay the hell away from America to stay genuine.
Zeta said:
Don't like the idea of an American Doctor Who, but I would totally watch Zach Braff as the Doctor.
About to see said:
"The guy looks like a total Fag"
Enough of the casual homophobia, please.
Kevin said:
While I'm glad that Doctor Who currently is show in its pure British form in the U.S., I'm not convinced that an American version would be as terrible as you suggest. It would depend on who made it. There has been an upswing in dramatic fiction in recent years, such as Lost, the Sopranos and Battlestar Galactica. If Doctor Who were written by teams like the one who did those shows, I think the American influence could be a plus and develop into it's own thing. Also, the American versions of Life on Mars and The Office turned out to be pretty good.
I think the main issue many people have with an American version of Doctor Who is that the show is such a British institution that it seems like blasphemy for Americans to get their hands on it.
Briony said:
I love you for writing this.
I have watched Doctor Who for years, think David Tennant kicks ass as the Doctor and would HATE it if it became American.
Its ...no, just No......
Yay Doctor Who!
hannah said:
ok that offensive!!! some of it may be true but still!!! i mean talk about judgmental!!!
Amber said:
Thank you! I completley agree with you and am soo UBER glad doctor who is british!
Shane Stephenson said:
Wow, this is one long list of bad American stereotypes. Let me educate you.
8. There did used to be phone booths in America, and in fact Bill and Ted time traveled in (a distinctly American) one probably as an homage to Doctor Who. The problem is that historically American phone booths were see through, which means you couldn't get away with the "bigger on the inside" trick although I suppose there was a point where they were considered private enough for Superman to change in them. Changing it to a car might not be a total disaster, anyway. Nobody had objections to Marty McFly time travelling in a car.
7. Americans are not all loyal tools of their governments, and neither are our heroes. There's absolutely no reason why the Doctor should feel anymore compelled to work with UNIT in an American version of the show than in a British version. Or any less compelled to use diplomacy first.
6. I can't think of any American sci-fi show that has regular celebrity cameos. You can't use comedies as an example of what would happen in dramatic sci-fi.
5. Americans are not that obsessed with guns. We can accept a hero who doesn't use them. A good contemporary example is Gil Grissom from the original and best CSI. Unlike some of his colleagues and counterparts, I don't think he ever used a gun the whole time he was on the show.
4. I won't comment on the idea of a younger Doctor when the Brits are making him younger all the time. I will say that he is more likely to become another race in a future regeneration, something which is possible but has never been done.
3. This is just so silly I'm not even going to comment. There may be a push to sex up Doctor Who, but that doesn't necessarily mean all the women who appear on the show are only going to be eye candy. American sci-fi fans tend to like their women smart as well as sexy.
2. Product placement, when done subtly, can actually add a level of realism to a show. Good product placement tends to amount to the characters using or standing near the product and not even specifically mentioning it, let alone praising it. You wouldn't even notice it unless you were looking for it.
1. Are you implying American don't like seeing their own country being destroyed? Because clearly you've never watched an American disaster movie.
