I just know, somewhere in the deep, dark pit of despair I have in the place where I used to have a heart that this utterly batshit insane clip of an inexpicable He-Man-themed dance routine from some batshit insane Bollywood movie is going to be better than whatever Hollywood eventually does to my beloved Masters of the Universe. At very least, it won't have that awesome mustachioed man calmly gazing upon He-Man and the dancing skeletons and huge statue of Skeletor, calmly smoking a cigarette and occasionally nodding, as if to give the whole fucking nightmare his approval. Thanks to everyone who sent this magic in -- now if you'll excuse me, I need to hire a midget to wear an Orko costume and dance for me for the next several hours. It's the only thing that makes sense to me anymore.

P.S.: Mattel -- I want an MOTUC figure of the mustachioed man, stat.

2009 is the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' 25th anniversary, and it's being celebrated in all the normal ways. Playmates is re-issuing the old '80s figures, the live-action movies are coming to Blu-ray, and 4Kids is making a direct-to-DVD movie where the 2003 cartoon Ninja Turtles somehow meet the Ninja Turtles from the 1987. So you can see-- the hell?

Seriously, 4Kids is making a cartoon Ninja Turtle crossover cartoon movie for reasons I cannot understand. 4Kids is teasing the project with "intercepted" images like of old-school April O'Neil above; and you can see a tiny clip of the movie somewhere in this otherwise boring promo video. I don't even think the two groups of Turtles are different enough to actually generate any conflict, although if you check out this pic of old-school Rocksteady and Bebop, which is you click on it gives you an MP3 of new Shredder getting kind of irked that another Shredder is running around his turf, which could be interesting.

Still, I don't get it. Now, if they had paired up the cartoon Turtles with their original comic brethern? That would be something. Something violent, probably, and thus I would have been very interested. anyways, 4Kids is supposedly debuting this thing at SDCC, so if I can attend the panel, I'll let you guys know what's up. Thanks to Mark P. for the tip.

Holy. Fucking. Fuck. Just when you think Japan has reached the pinnacle of crazy, they bring out something like Robogeisha -- the new movie from the maniac behind The Machine Girl. Please be warned this is not safe for work, thanks to a pretty intense amount of violence including a section where a man's eyes get stabbed with fried shrimp. Also be warned that this is not safe for most people, because of a certain shot where a girl gets stabbed in the ass and blood shoots out (it is... not undisturbing). Also be warned I have no idea what's going on with the narrator and his weird-ass voice. But otherwise, every second of this trailer is the greatest second of film of all time -- with the exception of the rectal bleeding. That's was just weird. Thanks to Rob Knox for the tip (Via AICN)

I'm a nerd. Topless Robot is a nerd site. Generally, while I might poke fun at nerds who carry their obsessions too far, I recognize that I often do the exact same thing, and thus, it's hard for me to maliciously mock people who are living out their nerdiest fantasies, no matter how embarrassing they are.

But then I see stuff like the above video, an MTV special on Forks, Washington -- the real town that Stephanie Meyer chose to set Twilight in, despite never having been there -- and all the Twilight groupies who have flocked there to get genially fleeced by the local populace, and I just can't withhold my disdain. I know it's not really fair, but I can't help it. I think it might have something to do with the fact that Twilight is really, really awful. (Via FilmDrunk)

• Street Fighter: Legend of Chun Li
Before viewing Street Fighter: Legend of Chun Li, please make sure you have a bottle of your favorite hard liquor on hand, and a rubber nipple attached to the botle. Suckle the bottle at all points while the movie is on. Do this, and you might survive the experience.

• Stargate Atlantis: Complete Fifth Season
Fifth and final, more specifically. Hopefully Stargate Universe fills the Stargate-sized holes in all you Stargate fans' hearts.

• Eureka: Season 3.0
The semi-popular Syfy show that wasn't BSG and isn't over. I think.

• The IT Crowd: Complete Second Season
I caught the first season of this British nerd comedy on Netflix and highly recommend it. You fellow fans, tell the others what they're missing, please.

• Parker Lewis Can't Lose: Complete First Season
The original modern nerd comedy? Maybe. I'm eager to see if this thing is as nearly as good as my memories say it is.

• Samurai Champloo: Complete Collection
Like Cowboy Bebop but with hiphop samurai instead of jazz space-bounty hunters. Not qquite as good as Bebop, but that still means it's pretty damn good.

• Monster X Strikes Back
A recent giant monster movie starring Beat Takeshi. The fact that I've not heard of it before today makes me think it's probably not very good.

• Transmorphers: Fall of Man
A super cheap-o Transformers rip-off direct-to-DVD movie starring Bruce Boxzleitner? Where the hell do I sign up?

Quantum Mechanics is making a line of animated-style Battlestar Galactica maquettes; that's Starbuck up above, and you can head over to ToyNewsI to see a Cylon in the same style. They're $65 each, 6-inches tall and due out in September. Frankly, I'm not really stunned by them, except for the fact that the line is seriously called Little Frakkin' Toasters (for the Cylons) and Little Frakkin' Colonials (for the humans), and this actually made me laugh. it's like Precious Moments for the BSG set. I can only dream that they start doing actual scenes, like of Tigh poisoning his wife or Athema's husband having mistakenly rough sex with Boomer while a tied-up Boomer is forced to watch or a drunk Adama vomiting all over himself on the street. I would buy the living fuck out of those.

I liked Spider-man 1 and 2. They weren't masterpieces but they were fun, and Willem Dafoe classed up the entire project as the Green Goblin. As we all know, Spider-man 3 was a mess, partially by cramming in too many villains, that ridiculous evil Peter Parker dance scene, and -- although I might be the only one who thought -- trying to ret-con Peter's Uncle Ben's death from the first movie so that Flint Marko (somehow) did it and no one knew until just that moment. I absolutely hate when movies and TV series do that. It works when you plan for it ahead of time, but it's just pathetic and forced when you don't, and clearly, Sam Raimi and crew hadn't planned for it when generally unknown actor Michael Papajohn (love his pizza!) played the thug who offed the kindly uncle/rice magnate. Worst of all, this sloppy, shoddy ret-con could not possibly have been necessary to introduce Sandman as a character or a villain, making it even more needless and maddening.

So guess how excited I am about this (from Superhero Hype):

Last week, we received word that actor Michael Papajohn might be back for Spider-Man 4. Scooper 'Wolf' tried to follow up with him on Saturday and here's the result:

I was over at the weekly comic book show Frank & Son over in Industry, CA, and while I was walking around with my uncle we suddenly ran into Michael Papajohn. I wouldn't have noticed him except for the pictures he had all over his signing desk. ... Anyways, I asked him about Spider Man 4 because of the rumor I read that he was going to be in it. He said "I can't talk about it, but who says I died in the first one?" My uncle asked him again and he quipped "if I tell you I'll have to shoot you." Jokingly, of course. That's all I got.

You have got to be shitting me, Raimi. Are you retconning Uncle Ben's death again? Is the dude who shot Uncle Ben and died then became the guy who didn't shoot Uncle Ben and died now becoming the dude who possibly shot Uncle Ben but didn't die? Goddamn it, get a new idea. This one isn't even that interesting, and you're making the entire franchise retroactively stupider evert time you mess with this shit. Mean-spirited comics nerds, please compare/contrast the movie to the spidey comics in the comments. Thank you.

(Zombie Haiku author Ryan Mecum, who so generously inspired this week's contest and donated a couple signed copies of his books, wrote up a little something for the contest, and had his own honorable mentions. I'd be a jerk not to post it. After Mecum's winners, I post my Mentions and winners, so read the whole post. -Rob)

Rob B. must regret
opening the floodgates for
zombie nerd haikus.
- Chris Ward

Fewer haiku have ever rung so true, Chris. This Zombie Haiku contest led to 850 haiku to be read by poor Chris and me. Of those 850, about 700 included the word "brains", and it seemed like half of them somehow attempted to combine zombies with Transformer testicles. That being said, your haiku were all fun to read and there were a lot of haiku gems to be found.  I have picked out a few of my favorites, as well as the one zombie haiku I deem The Best Zombie Haiku Written In The Comments Of A Zombie Haiku Themed Post On Topless Robot. First up, here are my two favorite topical themed zombie haiku that deserve special attention:

Michael Jackson's dead.
Any word on Thriller 2?
What? Is it too soon?
- eenyne
 
"Zombies on the lawn?
Then try this brand new product,"
bellows Billy Mays.
- Spock-Strap

Too soon, indeed.  However,  they still both had clear zombie haiku structure and imagery, so... HONORABLE MENTION! More mentions and winners after the jump!

I need to do a touch more work on the Zombie Haiku winners, so please enjoy this amazing music video of He-Man cartoon footage set to "Beware the Circling Fin" by Early Man. Get past the lengthy guitar intro, and you'll be in for quite a treat -- the whole thing makes the impossibly tame He-Man cartoon look like the most metal thing ever, which is no mean feat. Thanks to Tanner for the tip.

By Shaun Clayton

The era of the Saturday Morning cartoon is over. Sure, a few cartoons air on Saturday mornings, but these are few and far between -- it hardly compare to the '70s and and '80-s, when all three major networks had 'toons on from 6am until football or wrestling. Hell, there were so many animated shows that networks were always desperate for new series, and were willing to air anything -- anything -- just as long as it filled 22 minutes of airtime. It didn't matter how stupid the concept sounded, hell, it didn't matter if kids even liked it as long as they watched it... which is how so many incredibly stupid cartoons made it on TV, only to thankfully disappear one season later. Here are eight of the worst.