Since the most likely manner I'd lose my hand would be having it eaten by a velociraptor, I'd want to have it replaced with a velociraptor head. Not quite as awesome as the claws, but think of the uses! The prank potential alone is otherworldly!

And yes I know Megatron in Transformers: Beastwars had basically this, but 'raptors are cooler than T-rex's, and I would put it to WAY better use.

I lost my right hand in an aerial dogfight over Macho Grande, and through the miracle of modern science, my hand was turned into a Waffle Iron. Yes, like in the Tom & Jerry cartoons of old, by my hand anyone and anything can be shaped into a delicious-looking waffle. But you need to be sure to have some syrup nearby just in case you want to shake hands with me.

I would turn it into a huge pez dispenser with a Boba Fett Head on it.

Because I mean people would be looking and going "aww sweet tits that guys has a huge Boba Fett on his arm ,that is fricking boss". And then I would look at them pop my sungalsses on one handed like I was in CSI Miami and pull on my other arm and what happens? You get a piece of grape flavored candy the size of a phone book.

A hand with that level of awesome would have zombies self headshot and would cause a quickining everytime I did it.

My right hand would be amputated after being bitten by a zombie stripper/hooker (either or works, right?) since I'm right handed and refuse to do "the stranger" I have it replaced with a flesh light.

I would turn it into a huge pez dispenser with a Boba Fett Head on it.

Because I mean people would be looking and going "aww sweet tits that guys has a huge Boba Fett on his arm, that is fricking boss". And then I would look at them pop my sunglasses on one handed like I was in CSI Miami and pull on my other arm and what happens? You get a piece of grape flavored candy the size of a phone book.

A hand with that level of awesome would have zombies self headshot and would cause a quickening every time I did it.

Shadow Run Native American dwarves and such nonsense. That is the system you are thinking of.

I once seriously injured my hand trying to make a rumble-enabled controller electrocute people instead of the harmless vibration it was made to do. That kind of thing makes a game of Halo much more exciting. Alas, I'd have to say I will lose my hand in a similar monument to jack assery.

I would replace my hand with an all-purpose accessory. I am picturing a flexible, sensitive dynamic extension. It will be constructed of a main portion, which can fold slightly and can even function as a make-shift cup if necessary. Attached to that central portion will be smaller, more versatile extensions. Each extension will be extremely flexible and sensitive. These individual extensions will be fitted with sensors for touch and even hard portions at the end for more durability and heavy-duty work. The unit as a whole would be effective at gripping, fine work and even can be used as a weapon when the extensions are retracted. Although I will probably use it most for shaping into a gun and making "pew pew" noises with my mouth.

Easy: The Megabuster. Right now, all I have is a stupid left hand whose only purpose is to keep my wedding ring from going missing and aiding my right hand in cutting down on my typing time. Boring!

Obviously, I'd volunteer for an untested experiment to render a living human being into a cyborg with the ability to absorb and use my enemies' weapons. Best part, when I'm not using it to kick ass and chew energy capsules, it goes back to a regular left hand, making it a concealed weapon!

And if anyone else on this lists thinks that their entry is better...why, all I have to do is defeat them and absorb their weapon!

I would replace it with an identical copy of my old hand, if you have ever seen me on CoD or GRAW then you would understand why I need it.

Also if your firends know you have lost your hand the possibilitys to mind fuck with them and convince them they are wrong and it never happend or pretend your hand got restored by the devil at a cost would also be fun.

@BONESHARK so a hand.

A Katamari.

That shit picks up EVERYTHING.

I think I would choose Roger Ebert as my hand replacement. That way I could piss off all of my friends because they like these really shitty movies. I mean, imagine all the arguments I could win with little to no effort.

... Oh, and I lost my hand because I deliberately chopped it off. You see, I was bored...

A flat LEGO base with maybe a connector for a battery. So then i could have any hand i care to build.

I'd replace it with "The Hand of Vecna". Assembly is a snap. It can shoot missiles and can cast some nasty spells. Sure, it doesn't look very nice and if you're a good person it will try to kill you, but it could be a real good conversation starter.

Five words: Ultimate Nullifier/Snack-related mishap.

Losing my right hand (my off-hand) to a tragic airlock malfunction while climbing aboard for the maiden voyage of the U.S.S. Enterprise, I felt bad for a while. Later, after a drunken night losing a barfight to Klingons because of my stump not working as a fist, I decided to build the ultimate close-range weapon into my right arm. Using my contacts with the new head engineer and the chief medical officer, I turned the whole arm into a high-powered acetylene cutting torch that can (in emergencies) be converted to a flame thrower. Next time I see a Klingon, I will be ready. Until then, I maintain my position of security officer. Now, if only I could wear a yellow shirt so that I am not the first one killed in battle...

Did you ever see the porn parody titled "Edward Penishands"?

Yeah... That.

How did i lose my hand... lets just say never try to force jump a jedi on higher ground...

But as far as what i would get to replace my hand, a simple but elegant Infinity Gauntlet (you can still put a glove over a nub :P

But who wouldn't want to have a device to make them the supreme master of all of the universe.

And for you kiddies and those of you blasphemers that do not follow the religion that is Marvel...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infinity_Gauntlet

Assuming it was my right hand I'd replace it with a cloned copy of my left hand. If it was my left, I'd replace it with a piece of Polish Kielbasa, just because.
Sluf

Well, I don't know much about the comedy appliance of my cyborg hand, but it's a little thing I've been dreaming of for a couple of years.

Let's say I lost my hand in a tragic accident where a fat woman sat on it, crushing it beyond recognition, and her horrid ass-sweat melted it like acid.

I would replace it with a big metal hand with big ass claws.

"Ooh, a metal claw, very original, douche" you might think, but yes, it's original because of the fact that each finger is attached to an individual metal chain of 20 feet stored inside of the body. The fingers would be able to be shot from the hand with devastating force, enough to launch the finger in to a brick wall (for climbing/swinging) like a grappling hook or into the head or body of adversaries (for... murder).

The chains would (of course) be made of carbonadium, and have microchips in them for individual control of each chain-finger, so that the chains would be able to function as whips, or tentacles with minds of their own.

Surrounded by a pack of thugs?
No problem, each finger launches out in different directions, effectivly taking out eyes, strangling people, ripping bodys apart and smashing their skulls in with powerful lashes, in a few seconds.

Or, you could go the sissy non-lethal way and just capture people with the chains, like snakes do, and then crush the shit out of them until they pass out.

Someone's trying to shoot you?
No problem, just launch the finger-chains around your body, creating a carbonadium cocoon-like armor, launch one of the fingers towards the ceiling, and winch yourself to safety.

Someone trying to run away from you?
No problem, just use one of the finger-chains as a lasso and catch him, or shoot him through the back of his skull, if you don't want to take him alive.

Trying to fight Spider-man, who keeps swinging away with his pesky web-lines?
No problem, just launch the chain-fingers in to a nearby wall, swing yourself after him and chase that bitch down using his own trick.

With the chain-fingers the possibilities are endless, they provide both defence and offence (lethal and non-lethal) as well as a means of transportation, as well as lots of other uses I haven't thought of.

God, I want them so bad. Makes me sad, because it will never happen... =(

After my tragic fencing accident in Heidelberg, I got fancy and hooked myself up with the ultimate multitool.
Thumb: A thumbdrive that I will never lose. Damned things vanish on me all the time.
Index finger: Cutting laser. Pew pew pew!
Middle finger: Taser. Bzot, muthafucka...
Ring finger: Screwdriver with interchangable bits. Handy!
Pinkie: ....vibrating back massager! Yeah, back...

Okay firstly you were playing shadowrun not cyberbunk (I know other posters have point this out but goddamn we are nerds and nerds poin t this shit out.)

look the simple fact is, You want a hand. Period. A Street Samuari (what a gay concept) troll, rips your arm off? You want something that can work as a usualable that keeps you as a workablke biped with two aposable thumbs. "Yeah your left arm may be a phased plasma cannon in the 50w range, but how the fuck are you planning on opening a recalreant can of pickles?"

You want a cyber repilcant of a normal arm. Why?

A) If you try and settle any argument you can say "We'll arm wrestle over it. and you'll win.

B) Having just a regular arm doesn't mean you can't have shit added to it. Hello Inspector Gadget? Why not have a regular appendage that also has wolverine claws, a pop out grenade launcher, and a bottle opener, while you can do bionicman shit.

My hand was bitten by a zombie and after dispatching the zombie (...with extreme prejudice) I had to cut it off to stop the virus from spreading to the rest of my body.

I then replaced it with the Cosmic Key from the film "Masters of the Universe" starring Dolph Lundgren. So not only would I be able to traverse different dimensions... I would also become the third member of Daft Punk using the cosmic key as a synthesizer making sweet sweet kick ass techno dance songs.

answer 1 - thing from the addams family. i've basically turned my regular hand into a super strong genius hand capable of saving people. plus, i can always pull thing off and let him walk around, scaring people or hitting on chicks.

answer 2 - assuming i cant just say another hand (cause its not fun) and assuming i lose my hand right below the wrist, I want a controllable hookshot coming out of the stump and a lightsaber that i can then attach to the hookshot. i can fire lightsabers at people, so there's really nothing else i need.

as for how i lost the hand?

let's just say that the Grail has men who used to be ex-Spetnaz troopers and really wanted to find Herr Starr. That guy was a freaking animal, man.

but if you want my vote, the guy who said the megabuster wins.

In before Strong Bad's bucket and megaphone.

I would replace my hand with Megan Fox's hand. By proxy my life would become infinately more interesting.

So, I lost my hand after dropping a spoon down the garbage disposal. It wasn't going when I reached my hand in there, but I guess my left hand was jealous of all the time I was spending with my right hand, and... well... Here I am now, and let me tell ya, it's not quite the same with a mangled stump.

Anyways, for a new appendage, I figure I'll get an octopus leg. That way I can head out to Japan and hire myself out for live action tentacle porn.

That's right, that's what you get for posting that horrific FFF today. Tentacle porn replacement hand. Eat it!

No, not my hand! Stop chopping at my replacement hand! My replacement hand is not sushi!

...

Great. Back at square one.

After raining down fiery death on AK-47 toting cokeheads in the 80's, my new mission was to take out the Mexican cartels...alas that's the last of my memories. Who am I, whats happened to me? and why the fuck I am I being held prisoner in Megan Fox's basement? and why has she amputated my right hand and replaced it with a whipped cream sprayer. I have no idea what purpose this nefarious device will serve or what that evil ms.fox is planning to do to me with that bowl of strawberries. I can only pray for my comrades to come rescue me, if worst comes to worst I might have to take my life with the only means available to me..suffocating myself in whipped cream.

While building a larger Audrey II, I accidentally imbued it with life. I was attaching some vines with the hot glue gun when the evil puppet bit me, taking off my right hand.

I don't miss my hand. The replacement is a million times better. I have a nozzle, empty chamber, and a place for co2 cartridges. Sweet. Whipped cream whenever I feel like, straight from the nozzle! I can make instant soda, inflate tires, and perhaps best of all I can turn processed cheese into the perfect cracker topper.

All in all, not a bad trade.

I lost my hand in a horrible baking accident. The worst part was that the Souffle tasted horrible due to all the extra sodium from my blood. It was just too salty.

Now, I have replaced that hand with a Robot Monkey Butler. Which actually gives me two extra hands. So that's a plus. But this covers everything. I mean, do I need a lazer thingy hand to shoot stuff with? Well, he is a cyber-monkey so we can just attach one to him. Do I want a martini and my pillows fluffed? Hell yeah, I do. Get to it, Robot Monkey Butler.

What the?! How do two people post similar hands at the same time. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Gorram...

Obviously, I would lose my hand in a fiery propane explosion during filming of my live-action King of the Hill movie. But what, you may ask, would my ideal new hand have? A studio audience.

I would have a very small bleacher on my arm stub, and in it, I would have an audience of human-like robots. Every time I entered a room, they would laugh at my signature catchphrase, something very sitcom-esque. It's not very funny, but they laugh anyway. When I insulted someone, they would make a patented "Oooh!" When I reconcile with my friend, learn a life lesson, and hug, they would of course say "Awww." And when things got steamy in the bedroom, a couple of those little bots would pull out little instruments, become a jazz band, and set the mood. A little bom-chica-wow-wow is the best way to get a woman. Not to mention the obvious application of those little robots linking up like Voltron to destroy my enemies.

Ah the old horrible weed whacking accident took my hand while I was fending off zombies with my solar powered lawn defense.
I would be forced to replace it with a pea shooter head... Maybe a snowpea head... yeah that would work...

((been playing way to much plants vs zombies...))
((There's a zombie on your lawn~))

Okay, now I know there is a fetish out there in the world where people feel alot of trepidation from having a limb or limbs and secretly wish to have the limbs removed, called Body Integrity Identity Disorder.

Seriousness aside, I'd totally want a fricken quasi-sentient animatitronic Boglin for a hand. Think about it, you'd never be lonely, you'd have wacky adventures, AND you could claim it as a disability and no one could fire you!

You could scare or potentially entertain children and women! Or screw a mediocre life in the suburbs make a sitcom about it! You wouldn't even need to learn ventriloquism because that sucker would growl and shriek on its own or you could it teach to do so on cue!

Plus it'd totally have two stubby, semi functional arms so it could totally type for you. But the best piece of advice for your Hand Boglin would be to scotchguard that bitch, so it can feed you fries or peel grapes and if it gets sticky or messy it'll wipe right off!

First of all, I lost my left hand in a battle with a Jem'Hadar soldier. We were fighting in hand to hand combat and the honorless P'Tak stabbed through my hand with his kar'takin. The damage was so severe that our doctors could not save the hand.

In its place there is a small replicator, capable of replicating anything I need.
I'm hungry = gagh
thirsty = blood wine or raktajino
threatened = mek' leth
Cold = blanket

essentially anything the wandering warrior needs. It's also hard as hell with the edges sharpened to become a weapon all its own. No ones going to destroy my replicator.

Oh and I'd totally lose my hand saving an orphaned nun busdriver from a flying shark ridden by a zombie clown.

Hands down, it'd be a grappling hook! Nothing is more awesome to have than a grappling hook, nor more conveinent. Want to escape an awkward conversation? Grappling hook your way out of it. Want to grab a fresh beer, but don't want to get off of the couch? Grappling hook it. Want to goose that girl walking past you, but don't want to get caught and subsequently slapped/fined? Grappling hook her from across the street. It's the tool with a thousand uses. People will want to cut their own hands off when they see what an awesome entrance you make by swining in off of the rooftops.

I vote for grappling hook

My own entry will follow

In spite of a childhood part time job in fishing and numerous temp jobs that involved swiveling knives and boiling fluids, the scars on my hand originates from - cooking. Heating elements, hot butter, sauces and sandwich making have taken its toll on my left hand. So when a inviable freak cookie accident will finish off my poor left hand, I will replace it with a hand mixer.
A real nice one, 7speed, powerful, and with lots of attachments, so I can mix, whip, stir and maybe do some light blending anytime, anywhere. Why ? Because I like to cook dammit, and I believe that I with my MixerHand would kick ass and there is no problems that a omelet or cake can´t solve. I say "Beware of my spinning dough hooks" and where is that fellow with a waffle iron hand

Robot Monkeys? Guns? Gadgets? Really people - think in the long-term. What's the average lifespan of a robot monkey butler (assuming you can get parts for it)? Even worse, what's the average lifespan of a gadget? In twenty years you'll be "that guy" walking around with an obsolete robot monkey hanging from your arm. And the only person who will even give you the time of day will be "that other guy" who had his eyes replaced with a Nintendo Virtual Boy.

Ted Danson.

Because that's be fucking scary.

@ Andraxx

"But what, you may ask, would my ideal new hand have? A studio audience."

I bow to the master. Well played.

I wouldn't just have my hand replaced, it'd include a bunch of my arm as well. Why? Well, when the interdimensional portal closed on it as I was trying to save my girlfriend by pulling her through.

My arm is replaced by a hard-light generator that ends at the wrist where it normally projects a replacement hand. In other situations, however, aside from acting as a gun of sorts, it can generate hard-light versions of basically anything I need. I'd also have it hooked up to a teleportation device so it can work as a portal gun as well.

Chuck Norris's hand.

If only I can ask him nicely.

There is only one thing I can think of that would make the most amount of sense.

A giant Lolly Pop.
Why? Well for starters it's a giant piece of swirly candy that tastes really good. Imagine being in the heat of battle and yer feeling like shit, just give it a lick and you'll be good again. Imagine waving that thing at someone! at first they'd be like "what the hell man why you gotta a lolly pop for a hand?" and then they would say "sweet man, lemme have a piece" You could end war with that sucker! Seriously whose gonna wanna fight when theres lolly pops involved?

and if anyone tried killing you then that person is just a dick. Lolly pops spread joy, not that that heartless bastard would know, they probably like black liquorice.

So yeah Huge Lolly Pop hand.

Lost the hand in a tragic garbage disposal accident while trying to clean the bits of bone and flesh after shoving a zombie baby down the drain.

Replaced the hand with a two buzzsaw blades flanking the barrel of a shotgun. Ahh the possibilities. The saws are at the end for melee messiness, while the shotgun blows away my many fleshy enemies.

My hand would be transformed into my hand with a little nose of one finger. Then, my friends reading this... when I play "Who's Got Your Nose" with my 3 year old daughter I now can DEFINALTY give a good show (and a future trip to the therapist!). Oh and I could smell my ass to see if it's me who stinks or if it's that fucker sitting in the seat next to me! Probably that fucker!

Yea for me!

My name is doc.
My story a tragic one.
You see years upon years of senseless websurfing has left my hand with a vicious combination of carpal tunnel/ claw-like deformation from countless hours of watching pointless viral videos and masturbating.
Upon realizing that my hand had gradually become worthless I vowed to turn my greatest weakness into my greatest strength.
I have elected to have my defunct hand replaced with a monitor/ wireless internet connection.
It is programmed to display a different viral video every 30 seconds.
I will show up at a bank robbery and hypnotize the villains with game trailers, porn, music video mashups and local tv weathermen only to violently rickroll them once I have them securely handcuffed.
Justice will be done, but at what cost.

My hand was slowly eaten away by a flesh eating virus I accidentally created in my lab while finding the cure for anal fissures. Unfortunately nobody was around to get me a Doctor and my hand was never replaced, I currently live on disability from the government.

My hand was burned to a shriveled pulp by one of those things from the Matrix which flew with squid arms and such.

Now i have affixed a dildo to please the females.

Beer-hand

A vibrator, I would think.

I've traveled into the future seeking a cure for genital inflammation and lo and behold I see a apocalyptic future where woman rule with an iron fist headed by Hilary Clinton cyborg. I'm quickly spotted by scouts in BDSM attire and captured and bring me to Clinton to await punishment. Apparently she wants me to go through extensive torture in the dungeon and well needless to say I found a solution to my inflammation. I was left to be eaten by cannibalistic babies but I was able to grab one of them and use him as a bludgeon against the hordes but alas one of them got my right hand before I gave it a good punch to the face. I tore off its flesh and attached the spine into my right arm. Armed with my baby mace I battled my way through and finally escaped the hell hole that was. I traversed the land and found a group of men with the same......missing parts and learned of their resistance. I fight with them now to end the reign of Hilary Clinton and bring in a new golden age of male dominance again!

Actually if it had native american Dwarves it was probably Shadowrun (Cyberpunk never allowed for that!) all I gotta say is Cyberhand with a laser finger, so when I give someone the bird, they're gonna burn for it baby!!! also I had a friend who had the finger bomb option and used it by leaving it in a female opponent he was sexually pleasuring, He called it his "finger bang"

I lost my hand to the dreaded Man Bear Pig... no cereally guys, it's true, Man Bear Pig is real.

In my bid to save humankind, and through the miracle of modern eugenics I now have Patrick Duffy for my left arm.

Losing a hand would suck, but I’ve heard enough Asian martial art stereotypes lecture about turning weaknesses into strengths that I think I could bounce back. Obviously, the biggest problem is the loss of punching capacity, so it makes most sense to replace the lost fist with an even bigger metal fist for even bigger metal punching (“less hand-like” be damned—this is HAND+). Now, if I have this big fist, it’s probably cost a lot of time and money, so I better make use of it by running around and punching bad people as much as possible because I’m a nice guy and could be one of those overcome-your-disability-and-follow-your-dreams schmucks. I could make even make a gimmick out of it and start going by some classy name that could have been a movie title you’d find in the seedy part of a porn shop or even the name of the star of that movie. Then, since my ghastly asymmetry might not be enough, I’ll wrap half a dead bear around my groin to match my thick manly beard. Granted, me and my giant fist would still probably get upstaged by an IQ 55 fat guy who runs into walls and a moldy sasquatch, but hey, it’s not about the fame…

It’s about a 900-pound metal fist to your spine.

A hook, obviously. I'm a pirate.

@lou-bert vs. q-bert: Over Macho Grande?

As for me, due to an unfortunate mishap involving a time machine, several rubber bands and a jynnan tonnyk, I inherited a strange genetic condition that caused my left hand to quite suddenly drop off. I would have it replaced with one of those old-timey swirly circle things that you can hypnotize people with, in order to bend random people to my will.

During the Vampire Wars of 1997 I was on my way to challenge the devil to a fiddle contest and put an end to everything when Zombie Jimi Hendrix foiled my plans by chopping off my hand.

Resigned to doing things the hard way, I replace my hand with a bejeweled cross to ward off the undead, keeping them at bay while I fired a shotgun in my remaining hand, which I had learned to load with my teeth.

While battling the generals of Satan, I lost my arm from an errant magical fireball. I'm OK with losing it though, because it was foreseen by my girlfriend 2 years ago, and I had to sacrifice it to win the war. Sucks losing it though, 'cause now I have just 1 dragon tattoo and 1 heron brand.

In place of the arm, I have permanently attached a Power Glove, it's so bad.

As a burgening young screenwriter I have of coure wound up working in a grocery store deli. After losing my hand in a freak salami accident and at the same time a long lost mad scientist uncle gifting me his lab I have decided to replace my hand with a cylinder full of flying nanites. With a simple motion of my wrist the nanites form in to any machine I can need: saw, blender, time machine, whatever. A whole whost of blunt and bladed weapons are not out of the question, and perhaps even a hand.

Lost my hand in fight with a four and a half foot tall mute Asian prostitute with a shuriken shaped like a fucking swastika.

I had it replaced with the apparatus belonging to Captain Hook. Also it comes with a suit case of awesome attachments. Like a Chalk holder and a lighter and a drink mixer and a tooth pick and a bunch of other things.

And you ask what would i do?

Jackies heading back to old town.

It really depends on the hand that is lost. If it's my left hand, which I don't really use for anything important, then I'll put in it's place a spiked wrecking ball attached to a chain. I would then devote my life to demolition, because all of the world's problems can be solved with smashing.

If it's my right hand, then I will create a better hand made of steel and mortar and bricks and that can spontaneously summon pie from the netherworld. Forbidden pie is the most delicious of pies.

While cleaning the teeth of the robotic jaws shark in universal studios in Orlando,Some jerk turned it on in an attempt to "Punk" me. God damned kid got my left hand bit right off.

thank god i was already working on my hand held Time travel gun prototype. With a few modifications it was easily mounted to my Stump.

In theory i would be able to make things age or become younger with a blast of my stump-gun. But due to a few miscalculations and faulty parts(time travel is expensive)all it really dose is microwave things.

all in all its not so bad.Works exceptionally well with noisy small animals.

Oh no. OH NO. After a vicious battle with Cobra Commander, he got the better of me and cut my hand off. How terrible. For my replacement hand...

I want a transformer. You see... it could turn into a fully functional robot, fetch me food, turn magazine pages, scroll the mouse while reading nerd news, humor, and self-loathing. BUT. When the time needed, it could totally turn into like, a cougar or something. I would then use this to create an epic ventriloquism act,I would then upgrade my cougar with my perfomance money to have lasers.

OK anything involving pez is awesome.

Anything involving Pez the size of a phone book is epic. The CSI thing not so much, but Pez is win for me

Bruce Campbell's chin.

Well there I was minding my own buisness taking pictures with some friends

http://superdickery.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=323:fond-memories-of-casper-go-poof&catid=32:seduction-index&Itemid=36

and my damn hand gets popped right off because he goes intangible and back. So we are out searching for something to put on there, we get a chainsaw but that's boring, We tried to put a keg on there but I woke up missing the keg and a foot. So we finally came up with an idea I will just leave it as a stump and get a helper monkey. I guess there was a mixup because I ended getting the monkey on my stump, all it does it skit there wearing a little tuxedo, smoking cigars and calling me Sally

after losing my hand in a freak masturbation accident I would have it replaced with a kryptonite cross so that I can be protected from both vampires and superman.

First off, I haven't lost my hand. We're just on a trial seperation because I spend too much time with my games, comics, and "stupid dolls". THEY'RE ACTION FIGURES, HAND! That, and she's a whore...

Anyway, as a replacement, I'd get what ever the hell it was in that brief case from Pulp Fiction. No one knows for sure what it is, but it's got to be badass. It's gold, shiny, possibly metaphysical, and alot of people want it. Now I have it. And it comes with my new sidekick Jules! I'd go up to strangers on the street and ask "Hey! Wanna see a glowing, shiny nub that might possibly be a human soul?" When they ask "What?" all puzzled, BAM! Jules pops out gun drawn, "SAY WHAT AGAIN! I WILL BLOW YOUR FUCKIN' HEAD OFF IF YOU SAY WHAT ONE MORE FUCKIN' TIME!", and then he'd steal their tasty burger.

and if that's no good, my votes for the flesh light

Gary Busey.

After viewing repeated rapes of my childhood and reading news of impending violations my hand could no longer take the extended smashing against walls, my head, lifesize figures of Michael Bay etc... and was amputated.

In it's place I had installed a very large, heavy and durable PDA that had entered into it all personal information of every person responsible for said rapes.

With this information I transferred their funds to my accounts so that I could fly out to visit them on their dime, visit them at inconvenient times and then proceed to beat them severely with my ridiculously proportioned PDA all while letting the world know of my acts of vengeance via Twitter.

With the remainder of my childhood left with those who know to use awesome cartoons, video games, music and other properties of the 80's wisely, I returned home...keeping their ill gotten gains.

Oh as a bonus I finally found a use for Twitter.

bear trap, had to chew my own hand off to escape. I'd replace it with a series of tiny robotic bugs. They could link together and form a realistic hand or scatter like some cloud of nightmarish unholy terror to do whatever bidding I need done

that or a poodle cannon.

If ever I lose my hand, it'd probably due to doing handstands in minefields. It's a bad habit of mine that I'm trying to kick.

If I lost my hand, I'd replace it with a whole life-sized summer glau-type android. we'd be connected hand-in-hand such that it always looks like we're running around while holding hands.

It'd be just like Ico, but if Yorda was an ass-kicking wall-busting killer robot. From the exterior we'll just look like another innocent-looking sappy couple who won't let go of each other's hands, but in truth my "girlfriend" is a bodyguard who is constantly by my side and can rip your spine out.

The downside would be it'd make taking a shit a whole lot more inconvenient. also taking a piss would be a dilemma each and every day. "should I try to navigate my fly with just one hand? or should I let her "help out" and place a hand that can crush steel pipes dangerously near my junk?"

alternatively we could be connected hand-to-boob. it'd be hilarious but not very practical.

A prosthetic pez dispenser hand would be on my list. ^___^

---
awesomest book plot ever. and is free...
http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/sodoms-x--a-song-for-the-end-/7182389

i lost my hand in a vicious lawn mower fight with Mike Tyson. I later put on an easy bake oven. this would make life conveniently tasty.

note to self.

Mike Tyson is sensitive about his favorite color

You saw teeth right?

Well it wasn't my penis but my hand.

I would build a new hand out of the greatest and best technological advances available to man kind.

…on a budget.

Duct tape and a spork.

Voting for Tanner's Daft Punk appendage.

I chose in succession:
Sex. Battle. Utility.
I miss tiddlywinks.

But if I don’t win I vote for Thatcher for the fleshlight.

I'll probably lose my right hand in the future in some tragic accident relating to purchasing way too many Transformers.

In its place I would have a no-limit universal credit card attached, which would lead me to buying even MORE Transformers, which would probably lead to the loss of my left hand as well.

I was in the woods. A dark and stormy night. When, a bear came upon my trail. A bear, of no normal qualities. He had knives for teeth, and sharks for arms.

I prepared m self for battle. He stared me down. I fired my kahayamaya wave, and at the speed of a Window's loading bar, it blew him to shreds.

As I ducked to avoid the shrapnel, a shark-arm, flew by with fury, and I left with but only one hand.

I raced to the hospital, at my top speed, and when i arrived, I told my tale. They rushed me to the operating room, and knocked me out.

I awoke, groggy, and distressed. I felt movement at the end of my arm once more, but to my surprise, my hand was now....

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN'S HEAD, WITH GOLDEN EARS!

I now build Gundam's, using only his teeth and some tweezers.

The End.

Gotta go with the One Hand Band. Think of pretty much every goofy image of some Vaudevillian player with a bass drum on his back, a tambourine on his left ankle, the bike horn on his side that he squeezes with his right elbow, the harmonica strapped on his right collar bone, a Jew's harp on his left... you get the picture.

That, miniaturized. Right at my left wrist joint. Each nerve that used to control a single digit would now control 3 tiny percussion instruments at once.

I would have my own theme music whatever the situation. Amuse countless numbers of youngsters at the park on major 3 day US holiday weekends and every Wednesday afternoon farmer's market from here to Sacramento. Can't get into the exclusive VIP club? Flash that baby up and tell the dick bouncer, "I'm with the fucking BAND, man."

And the added bonus, if anyone pisses me off, a single blow to the head with that monstrous contraption ought to do the track. Even if the soprano-trombone may need to be bent back into shape afterwards.

It would be worth it, though... it'd serve the douche-nozzle right for making fun of my One Hand Band. That thing's got more musical talent in its phantom-pain feelin' pinky than that guy *ever* would have.

I'd probably lose my hand for some really stupid reason, like overdosing on drugs and chopping it off for funsies.

But what I'd do with it, ah, there's the fun part. I'd replace it with one of those little self-supporting glass "biospheres", so I can always have a bunch of plants and little shrimps floating/swimming around on my hand at all times. Useful? Nope, not at all. Fun? Probably not after the first month or so once it loses its novelty.

But it'd be fun to shake, heh heh heh...

And when I shake my fist at someone, well then they're bringing pain and chaos upon some poor little shrimps that really don't deserve it. So added bonus: I get to imagine that that person who incurred my wrath just suffered some sort of karma loss. And that, my friends...is no consolation at all.

If I were to lose a hand it would probably be the same way I nearly lose all my other body parts: fucking Thorse would step on it or bash it into something, kick it, etc.

Being a scientist, I end up giving lots of presentations. It would make a lot of sense to just have that hand turned into a laser pointer. At first you think, "How dorky," but let me explain.

Always have a pointer for presentations/teaching.

Gesture toward things with absolute accuracy.

When people start being bitches to you, you just shine that sucker in their eyes. They won't go blind, but think they will so you can watch them flip out. Meanwhile they can't arrest you because you don't have control over it.

Be the hottest kid at a rave.

Otherwise just have it replaced with a gun. Same benefits, really, just nonlethal.

My wife says I'm the only person she knows who would be okay with life in a wheelchair, y'know if there was an accident or if I found a comfy one at a flea market and decided I looked cool in it.

And it's true, I'm extremely lethargic. I've often said (and feel it is true) that even in the event of fire, I'd walk rather than run to save myself the energy.

To that end, my replacement hand would need to be anything that could help me somehow do less work.

Naturally, having a hand that would do simple task for me is good: opening doors, reaching far away remote controls, driving cars, punching the cat, what have you, so it should extend some distance beyond where my hand would normally be and have some form of autonomy in deciding how and what to operate.

Many of these tasks might require two hands (one to stop the cat from getting away, for example), so perhaps there could be two such hands extending from opposable limbs coming from my once vital stump-of-an-arm.

Ideally, any uses could extend beyond manipulative tasks and continue with communication. Hands can be used to sign, after all, and I am typing this (as much effort as that takes), so perhaps such a replacement limb could finish sentences for me, perhaps using some of sort of predictive sentence programing or perhaps higher reasoning skills to engage in conversation.

In fact, to do any of that the limbs would need some sort of central processing unit, probably something larger and separate from the rest of the contraption. A head maybe. As long as we're doing that, why stop at sign language and typing? A mouth and ears could easily be installed with a speech recognition program to order tacos for me at drive-thrus and some sort of ocular sensor could be installed to select from dollar menus and understand complex video game input. In fact, two audio and visual sensors should be included to enhance depth perception and spacial awareness.

As I continue, it occurs to me that I have neglected my most basic need when thinking of ways to maximize my laziness. Sure a pair of hands can drive for me, but how am I going to get from the couch to the car in the first place? Naturally, legs would be needed to facilitate locomotion. I remember years ago watching Beyond 2000 when they said robotic bipedal movement was decades away, but the Japanese sure proved them wrong, so I know human-like movement is possible. My new "hand" should have that.

Of course, now the problem of looking like a freak comes into play. I don't consider myself vain, but at some point a guy with robotic limbs and facial features growing out of his arm would look a bit strange. Perhaps the entire armature could be covered in some kind of false skin. We may not be at Skynet's level of development yet, but I've seem some pretty impress special effects artists craft realistic looking faces, I know this could be done.

But whose face? Whose body?

Sure, I could pick a celebrity, like Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp, but then the hand would get more attention than the owner. The opposite direction would also be a problem as having people disgusted by the grotesque mockery of a man attached to my arm would defeat the purpose of having an artificial face in the first place. This whole problem could be solved by using a different gender, but having a Scarlet Johanson or Jordana Brewster within arms reach would be too distracting for me.

I think the best solution should be the obvious one. My hand should look like me. Handsome devil that I am.

Hmmm...

To sum: my artificial hand would be a second me.

Naturally, if such a device worked and actually improved my quality of life, other people could benefit from artificial mes attached to missing parts of their own anatomy. If this worked, I could be doing the world a favor by creating one of me for every person in need.

And my wife says I'm narcissistic. This is complete altruism.

Hmmmm... this does sound like a good idea... and there's no time like the present to start with step one... too bad the carving knife is all the way in the other room...

That said.. a poodle cannon would rock.

(So would that whole hand-turning-into-mist-of-nano-bugs thing).

Once, when I was little, I was watching a marathon of SciFi Channel original movies. Whilst I was distracted, my cat decided to sit on my left hand. My hand began to atrophy from the pressure of an overweight housecat impersonating a meatloaf upon it. Eventually the SciFi Channel turned into SyFy. I couldn't reach the remote with a sleeping cat weighing me down. I had to gnaw off my own hand in order to make a daring escape. I drank my own wrist blood to survive. After cauterizing the wound with a hot glue gun, I grafted a pizza slicer to it. Because I hate pizza. Now no pizza pie can hide from my gratuitously violent vengeance. It is good for this task and this task alone. No longer shall pizza poison the stomachs of the world with impunity.

I would most likely lose it in a fight with Brock Sampson, in a situation similar to the one in The Ghosts of the Sargasso episode. Wherein I am doing a cavity search and he clenches down breaking My hand and snapping it off at the wrist.

As for a replacement I would get a diamond blade crusted blendtec blender. I mean have you seen http://willitblend.com Those motherfuckers can chew through anything plus I can have smoothies anytime and use it as a propeller in water, and with a few adjustments I could shoot launching blades like shurikens.

HAND ME A CONFESSION
I remember the day it happened. I was smoking a cigarette and surfing the web. I came across a photo of ThatCostumeGirl dressed as a bunny, and I had an impure thought about reaching for her tail. Suddenly, my right hand instantly burst into flames and was completely disintegrated.

After all the screaming, I went and apologized to TCG and her fiancé ManWithPez. Turns out he's a wizard, and so is she. Fortunately, they forgave me and decided to perform a magic ritual on me. I’ll skip the details, but let’s just say I was brutally tortured in every way imaginable, and then rewarded with a new, magical cancer-magnet hand!

With my new hand, I can absorb cancer. I get to smoke cigarettes – and all the cancer gets absorbed into my magic hand, instead of into my lungs! Then I just have to touch a few weeds in my yard every few weeks to empty out the cancer-tank in my hand.

But for the record, I stop at weeds. My neighbors are always asking me to turn their dog's poo white, but I don't do parlor tricks. Once in a while, I'll swing by the Children's Hospital and cure a few kids of cancer -- it's fun to mess with the doctors.

For the most part, I try to use my left hand and act normal. I've learned my lesson. I will never abuse the Internet again.

I lost my hand when my girlfriend's cat attacked it. Damned thing never liked me and has been out to get me since day one.

To replace it? Rechargeable monkey's paw. Constant ability to fuck with people. Irony, thy name is *poof*

A dildo.

Gotta please the ladies.

I can't believe this! I actually did lose my hand! I’ve even tried different attachments on it to poke fun. Actual prosthetics aren’t as goofy as Munson’s hand in Kingpin, but no matter what they do, they never make them look right. Besides, they get this b.o. to the plastic that doesn’t ever wash out. So I just stick with my home-made attachments on a long, leather cuff. They freak people out, sure, but they also just feel better. Hey, they’re going to stare anyway. Why not give them a real reason?

Wow, what a joke! This is going to be like that Charlie Chaplin contest where Chaplin came in third. It doesn’t matter. It’s not even a very interesting story. I got it caught in the trash compactor. Yeah, I know, possibly the dumbest way to hurt myself, and I did it, but if you were there you might’ve done the same. My wife and I had family over for Thanksgiving. We just bought a house and she was excited to show everyone around, so she told them it would be a housewarming/holiday party. Everyone showed—she’s a pretty good cook—and had just eaten the main course while I was scraping and cleaning the plates. I had the compactor going and had dropped a spoon in. If you’ve ever run a disposal and dropped silverware in you’ll know that, while sometimes it gets jammed in and makes a hideous noise, at other times it just bounces around harmlessly. I was reaching for it on its top bounce, sure that as close as I was, I was not near enuf to the blades, when I get a shove from behind.

Time plays tricks on you. It happened so fast there seemed like I hadn’t any time to react. At the same time, tho, when I look back on it, I couldn’t believe how long it took for someone to help me. All I could remember was trying not to get pulled in, inevitably, inescapably inching into it. I was in and out of a demerol slumber for over a week before I had heard what happened. Apparently, I had lost consciousness before they pulled me out. No one talks about it with me, but I imagine it looked something like a wet pom-pom. Long story short, before the accident I was a successful handyman for a string of apartments. Now I putter around the house, collecting disability. If my wife had remembered the apple crisp in the oven, my clumsy sister wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to get it out without the proper mits, and would not have run across the kitchen like she was on fire.

First thing I did when I got home was take the compactor out from under the sink. Months had passed, then a year, and the silence between me and my wife only grew deeper. The time I spent to myself I tinkered with different ‘hands’. Spatulas, flashlights, hammers, I was even tempted to try a chainsaw, and just when I was about to tell myself it was too heavy, there it was. The compactor, I never threw it away. I slowly reached for it with my stub and something strange happened. The vestigial, ghostly feelings of my missing hand had disappeared. It felt right somehow. I felt at peace. The thing that had taken my hand had somehow made me forget its absence. Day and night I worked on a harness, metal on leather, capable of securing its massive weight to my forearm. Occasionally I’d hear a knocking and muffled sob outside my door. Occasionally I’d find food outside. I don’t know how long I’d been working on it, but by the time I had finished, I heard my sister outside, yelling, slamming on the door. I felt a sudden revulsion and panic. I felt naked. Quickly I strapped on my new hand. The strain was incredible. I wasn’t yet used to the weight, but I emerged from behind the door resplendent, like a new man, my right hand the shape of a ball-peen hammer.

My wife has since left me. When the hysteria had passed, she sobbed an ultimatum that I take it off and seek help, but I had never felt better. I couldn’t convince her that I had both my hands back and never felt better, and she could no longer look me in the eyes. Perhaps it’s just as well. With a little tinkering I was able to hook it to some car batteries in a backpack. She helps me mulch branches, grind coffee, and guess what? I don’t even need a paper shredder.

After a really cool fight over the remote, involving simpsons reruns, switchblades, ninjas, explosions and finally sharks, I lose my left hand. After that I always want to be able to choose the channel, so I install a universal remote. Not just any universal remote, THE universal remote, not only capable of controlling TV and stereo, but it also lets me drive cars or boats from a distance, put on the microwave oven,... just every single electrical appliance.

My left hand was first burned and then chopped off after my Master decided to sacrifice me to his god Manos. His reasons for doing this were never really clear, as I'd been serving him faithfully for some time (aside from bad-mouthing him and feeling up his wives while they were sleeping)...but that's all in the past.

After receiving a skin graft from a certain sleeping Great Old One (somnophilia is my thing, apparently), I now have what appears to be a mess of wet seaweed at the end of my left arm. In fact, it is actually a tightly wrapped ball of tentacles. The tentacles are about as thick as a normal pinky finger, but the number of tentacles and the length of them can vary at will. As few as 0 or as many as 10 in number, and each one can be as long as 10 feet. The tentacles are controlled just like fingers, and can regrow rather quickly if damaged.

Then it's off to Japan, for all the tentacle-porn fun I can handle. IA! IA!

A shark bites my hand off.

I replace my hand with a shark.

Japan.

MattK thinks that just because he beat me here and took my idea, that he's got me licked. And he even adds the clause that "if anyone thinks they have a better idea, I can just use mine to copy it."

My hand replacement would be the X-Buster: Mega Buster mark 17 with energy amplifier and Variable Weapon System, easily upgradable into a variety of new configurations with differing capabilities, as well as the ability to not only take the abilities of those that fall before me, but charge them up to much more devastating effect.

It's like moving up from cooking hot dogs and hamburgers to grilling steaks and prime rib.

Not only is it more powerful and more versatile, but it has some nifty matching armor parts that each have their own power, and the X-Buster can also let me throw one-hit kill Hadokens and flaming Shoryukens of death and massive destruction.

Welcome to the 22nd century: Prepare to have your feet wiped and your ass kicked.

Oh.

Fuck. I'm number 97. Shit. Well, no use in trying.

As time has shown since the beginning of this contest, the winner will someone from the first 60 entries. No use in even trying.

Yeah. Go back from every contest since last October and realize the winner is someone within the first 60 entries.

Oh yeah, if there are 2 winners, one MIGHT be from the first 120.

Oh, and since I know that this thing will eat my comment until Rob approves it, should I include URLs, I decided to add a couple here to emphasize my point.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UAyvtn5Odss

That's the Mega Buster against the rubble at the start; give the X-Buster a moment to come through. Not only is it pure, unbridled awesome, but it makes for a great entrance, too.

Another comparative demonstration, plus that whole charge-up thing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oG5EFIZRCp8

Go to about 2:10 for where the fun really begins.

@LBD "Nytetrayn": Pretty sneaky...the equivalent of bidding one dollar over the previous bidder in The Price is Right...

However, you forget that the X-Buster is also very fragile and susceptible to malfunction due to anything from a collision with a Reploid to sneezing too hard. With the classic Megabuster, the only reason I no longer have functions from previous adventures is because they've outgrown their usefulness.

To paraphrase a great philosopher: "Hokey functions and malfunctioning armors are no match for a good blaster on your hand, kid!"

So, a few months ago I lost my left hand in a freak bun warming incident while grilling on my bbq. After losing my hand I made a vow on my stub to get revenge on buns and all breads in general. My day would come, I would spite them all! Unfortunately I was having difficulty figuring out how to extract my revenge. Then it came to me! In place of my hand i attached the greatest invention of all time! THE TRACY JORDAN MEAT MACHINE!! Now wherever I go I can enjoy meat without bread or bun and I can give meat to ALL. In addition to the wonderful benefits of the meat it produces, it also works wonders as a weapon shooting hot grease into the faces of bread enthusiasts everywhere. So beware.

@ john adams: Actually the fleshlight was from Johnny M. waaaayyy up at the top of the list.

i would turn my hand into an electric fan. When its hot i can cool myself off. Hey a pretty lady *blow skirt off.

I was at the zoo and lost my hand in an all-too common cotton candy accident. Swearing revenge on the cotton candy dispenser, I replaced my hand with an orangutan arm.

Cut off and replace it with my own foot!

I would have my hand replaced with an exact replica of my old hand, except with the thumb sticking straight out of the palm.

My reasons are my own.

While stumbling around in my dark shed looking for something that I've already forgotten what. I reached down towards the floor to find my bear trap.

Well, it got me. Lopped my hand clean off.

Seeing how it was a clean cut, I was unaware that my hand was gone until much later. The moment of clarity, was when I realized my flashlight was on the shelf above my head. Reaching with my nub I discovered my hand was gone.

Was I scared? No. Did I panic due to loss of blood? No.

I understood that this was a golden opportunity.

Using my remaining hand I grabbed the flashlight and jammed it into my bloody numb.

Now, I have a flashlight with me at all times. So if I'm going out at night and I can't see *FLASH* on goes my hand light. Drunk kid stuck in a tree at midnight *FLASH* on goes my hand light and now I can throw rocks at him.

Does it have much use in the day time? Yes, its a maglight the hard flashlights cops use to bash heads in. Trouble at the convenience store? *BANG* Robber's skull crushed. Locked my keys in the car? *BANG* Window broken.

Tons of uses for a Maglight Flashlight for a hand. All I need to figure out now is how to change the batteries. Hmm..

I lost my hand on a mission which has been classified at the highest levels. It has since been replaced by the key to the ultimate doomsday weapon, which I have been tasked to protect.

Not a contest entry, but I find this article very related to this whole thing:

http://news.cnet.com/8301-17938_105-10196121-1.html

lou-bert vs. q-bert said:

I lost my right hand in an aerial dogfight over Macho Grande

OVER Macho Grande?

A scaled-down version of one of the three-bladed things on the Berserk Fury's back. They're blades, a beam cannon, and a beam shield, and they look awesome...

Mr Belding said: OVER Macho Grande?

No, I don't think I'll ever get over Macho Grande.

I was chasing my arch nemesis, the Canadian Devil Rapist, through the dark and dreary streets of The City. He lead me into a construction site where I inadvertantly fell into his trap. A giant steel girder, weighing over several hundred pounds landed on my back and crippled me there on the spot. He stepped out form the shadows, holding a concrete brick in his hands. He preceded to smash the only part of my body unhurt by the girder: my left hand. All that was left was a bloody stump at the end of my arm.

When I recovered several months later I fashioned a similar conrete brick on my left hand, vowing to myself and the heavens that I would seek revenge on the rogue that humiliated me more than any other man. Untill my new left "hand" breaks on the skull of my tormentor, then my spirit shall know no rest.

My hand was eaten by sharks that I was feeding babies to. I've since replaced it with a miniature Macho Man Randy Savage with entrance music sountrack from the 80's that acts as a sonic cannon. It also has the ability to project holograms of the macho man wherever I see fit that scream catch phrases so loud that heads will explode.

A small collection of thin baby arms, just to freak people out.

fractal omni_tool
so i have anything i need at any scale

I would replace my hand with a flesh light. Lets just cut out the middle man I always say.

I'd like to add with my laser pointer arm I can also fuck up jet planes and cats.

this debate was covered on KSK a couple months ago.

http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/03/this-week%e2%80%99s-ksk-mock-draft-devices-you%e2%80%99d-use-to-replace-your-severed-hand.html

the only difference was it wasn't a commenters pool, but a writer's mock draft. leave it to an NFL website to have a "mock draft" for replacement hands

It was my own fault I lost my hand. A momentary lapse, paying more attention to the dead bodies I didn't see him come into the room. By the time I was aware, it was only seconds away from my hand being ripped off. My partner saved me, but he saw things while I was passed out from blood loss that shattered his soul. He lives upstate now, in a straight jacket.

When I woke up I was shocked. My hand was gone, replaced with the Slap Chop. Now I no longer have a boring life (which I guess I really didn't have before), and I no longer have a boring tuna. It doesn't always come in handy on the field, but I guess neither did my hand. But I will say this, a slap to the face equals a chop to the face, and a chop to the face is a lot quieter than a bullet.

And, I've got salad in my diet again.

Anne Hathaway.

William Shatner.

if i had lost my hand and had to replace it it would be replaced by a iphone imac tazer hybrid with the figers being a replica of wolverines claws and the hand would let me be able to merge with any mac or computer plus the claws would also shoot booze. as for how the replacement would be needed my hand would have gotten acidently caught in a microwave trying to microwave peeps.

My story begins at a concert...

I've had eight Amps already, I'm starting to need to pee, and the main act is taking the stage. I realize there is only one thing to do, and I immediately make a mad dash to the toilet. After a mad rush involving people screaming, [b]"WHY THE F**K IS YOUR C**K OUT, YOU PERV?"[/b], the screams of children, and pissing on the police, I finally get to the toilet, go for about 4 minutes, and walk out. What do I see, but Megan Fox nude, juggling chainsaws! I, in my considerably impaired mental state, do what most people would do, if they could not fully comprehend their actions, but their response was fast as lightning (due to massive amounts of caffeine and sugar), in this situation. Unfortunately, she was just about to do the trick where she spins the chainsaw on her finger and throws it up into the air, only to catch it without looking. Fortunately for my memories of nude Megan Fox, my right hand is grazed, but my left hand is chopped at the wrist. It keeps going forward, and with its last burst of movement, it grasps the boob. I try to applaud my hand for this last-gasp display of boobgrabbery, remember my hand was chopped off, feel sorry for myself for a moment, and am promptly slapped by Megan, and sent to the hospital.

What do I do now? Well, I'll tell you, you stupid, impatient motherf**ker. Using an Ipod Charging deck, a brain scanning machine, and numerous pocket dimensions, I have created the ultimate Leatherman.

Tools within include:
-speaker attached to the aforementioned Ipod charging deck, with:
-shred riffs preloaded when I want to have a Bill and Ted moment
-inspirational instrumental music, including "Frankenstein," by the Edgar Winter Band; "Theme to Mork and Mindy," and "Crowd Chant" by Joe Satriani
-audience sounds:
-laughter
-"awwww"
-"Eeeeeew"
-screaming
-retching

-Gun that shoots needles filled with fatal amounts of heroin (or bags filled with cocaine that clamp onto the face a la Brother from Another Planet" (for the cause of death,[i] "Heroin injected straight into his brain at 100 mph"[/i])

-chainsaw, you just can't resist the classics

-fleshlight, as I am a impulsive and horny man, as you saw from the anecdote involved

-flashlight, for the laughs when i get these confused
(confusing flashlight and fleshlight
i.e.-
"there's a blackout! who has a flashlight?"
"I do!"
"Thanks... WHOSE VAGINA IS THIS?"
*audience laughs from speaker*
*[A'Tuin] mugs at camera*)

-jackhammer

-long metal rod. Yes, for [i] "that..." [/i]

-shorter metal rod for slide guitar

-creepy robotic hand with salvaged human fingers, for guitar, and only guitar, because these other uses are much too awesome.

-stand for "King of Sexual Awareness Week" crown, because you can't stuff that s**t in a f**king duffel bag, m***erf****r

-netbook, so i can use Putty to connect to a [b][i] useful [/b] [/i]computer

-dildo-firing potato gun, for much easier FFF brainstorming...

i.e...

"As Mork pumped his love torpedo in and out of E.T.'s tunnel of love, E.T. squawked like a... like a..."
*fires dildo into stranger's ass*
"Graaaaak"
"Like a dying Klingon! That's it!"

-Grappling hook, because Bionic Commando, there's your because!

-taxidermied cat head with speakerphone, because of the stares... and because talking to a cat is one of my secret desires

-hypnotism ray, for compelling people to do anything... ANYTHING (though it'll usually be "doing" me, because as I said before, I'm an impulsive and horny man)

-battleax

-gunsword

-eraser

-novelty plastic dog poop

-completely serious plastic dog poop

-rubber chicken

-condom dispenser that looks like a chicken

-"The Bird"

-"The Horns"

-a gun, obviously

I hope nobody upstages me.

I need to ask, I dont really want to, but I need to: Where will Ted Danson/Anne Hathaway/William Shatner/or others mentioned, be connected to the stump? Are we talking "hand" to "hand", in the back or are talking "stumppuppets"

MattK> Hyperbole will do you no good here; the Mega Buster only seems more durable when faced against foes from the early 21st century. The X-Buster is formed from a Titanium-X alloy (lot of Xes, I know).

Whatever might crush mine could easily crush yours a thousandfold; akin to the difference between stomping on a tin can used to store chili and an aluminum can used to store generic store-brand cola, perhaps.

A prime example of this, besides the video post I made which is waiting for approval, would be the battle against Cut Man in Mega Man X8, where the Robot Master can be wasted in less than fifteen seconds by the power of the X-Buster. A secondary example is displayed in the ending cutscene of Mega Man X4, wherein X uses the armor covering his forearm/where his X-Buster is to block Colonel's energy sword.

So more like bidding at least 16 dollars over, in this case. ;)

A bear with a cannon for a hand that shoots flaming chainsaws.

That is all.

A breast

http://bioephemera.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/tentacle_01.jpg

Enough said.

Spring loaded socket. I'd replace my hand with a spring loaded socket. Preferably one from japan and not one of those weak ass American ones that have limiters with the spring removed for safety purposes. I'd have ability to either shoot plastic fists or "rocket projectiles" which I would order three to a sprue. It'd take me at least ten to fifteen minutes to attach them to my new spring socket stump because I want my release mechanism to be really dodgy. Accidently bumping my hand will send spring loaded projectiles across the room and behind some couch. Accidently looking at the release mechanism the wrong way and my rocket fist shoots into some guy's eye. Oh and my new spring loaded socket would be gratuitously covered in chrome! Chrome that flakes off after a couple months. That'd rule.

I think Edward Penishands has the right idea.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101799/

http://www.starzaki.eu.org/~littlemaggot/blog/EdwardPenishands_129E5/Edward.jpg

http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/wong/penishands.jpg

http://www.headinjurytheater.com/Edward%20Penishands%20cover.jpg

Ah, LBD "Nytetrayn", my friend. Your arguments and statistics are very much welcomed. I could not have asked for a better weekend.

Having played both series, I concede that, on paper (or rather...electronic post in this case), your X-Buster is no doubt superior to my Megabuster...in numbers. However, you can't beat the Megabuster when it comes to one thing: heart. Even AFTER the introduction of the X-Buster, the Megabuster still remains in production, and it is no less tough than it was when it was introduced in 20XX. And it has transcended the very genre that introduced to be featured in Marvel vs. Capcom. That's because no matter what comes after it, the Megabuster is still the standard by which all other Busters are judged.

And really, when it comes down to it, it's not the size (or in this case, the numbers) that counts...it's how you use it. Charge up any weapon you want, a single shot from the Mega Buster will end your charges, so the X-Buster will be no stronger than the Mega Buster. Even if you were to get a shot off towards me...I believe the Megabuster's "Pause" effect from Mega Man 2 will allow me to avoid any damage...and allow me to return fire and increase damage several times over.

I look forward to your video, nonetheless. It'll be an amusement to watch after Bustin' some fools.

Okay, everyone is thinking it, a few people said it, I'll say it again.

Tentacles, lots of em. something like this picture
WARNING NSFW
http://i321.photobucket.com/albums/nn392/badNflu3nce/cg07890editeddowntonsfwlevelsIhope.jpg

While I was trying to get rid of a Hornets Nest the other day in my glorious castle yard, the nest incidentally fell onto my hand. The catch is that these were insects unlike any other, vicious Giant Japanese Hornets. Almost immediately, my hand was gone. I was in absolute pain, however, the Hornets were quite pleased. They had never felt this full and from that point on, we formed a mutualistic symbiotic relationship, where I would feed them from time to time and in exchange, the Hornet's would protect me and fight my enemies.

In other words, I got Hornet hands.

(If you are unfamiliar with Giant Japanese Hornets, please consult this video: http://www.metacafe.com/watch/206326/10_giant_japanese_hornets_vs_10_000_honey_bees/)

Sir Michael Caine should win for best hand loss in Oliver Stone's "The Hand."

Rom The SpaceKnight's Neutralizer covered in bicycle streamers.

no messing, a good old fashioned hook.

no one, and i mean no one would mess.

old school and still the best.

My hand was lost through gradual paralysis through the everyday use of the mouse.

It was replaced by a USB hub. Thats right from storage devices to japanese pleasure devices I can run it all.

- What's that miss? Your Iphones' running out of batteries here let me take care of it and I'll take your music too.

- Not pleasing the girlfriend? My 16" black gyrating attachment should do the trick.

- Zombie attack but the USB can't power the chainsaw? No problem we'll attach USB 1.0 cables to a mid 90s China PC with a steel case to form the PC Square of death (a bludgeoning device similar to the morning star. The low quality construction is full of jagged edges which increase its deadliness).

- The girlfriend not pleasing me? My gyrating fleshlight should do the trick.

- The PC square of death not doing it? I'll attach the USB cable to Azimov the Honda Robot's USB control. He'll walk ever so slowly to the zombies. Hopefully this gives me a chance to runaway.

My hand would be like Triclop's head, but instead of eyes it would have lolanimals. One moment I could be doing a lolcat's head doing "i haz a mutation", and then switch over to a loldog's head doing "i haz a for the love of god kill me!". I would be an internet meme machine, able to post 1000 pictures of animals with bad grammar. I would use my powers to annoy the eff out of villians and normal peoples. Singlehandly (Srsly), I would bring down the lol machine, with the cuteness of disembodied cat, dog, bird, hamster, and ferret heads.

Man... all I did was steal a loaf a bread!!! Shouldn't I just have to pay a fine or something? At worst, 20 years imprisonment a la' Jean Valjean. But noooo. Fucking Somalian's had to cut my hand off. But I'll show them! They'll all wish they had never crossed me when I replace my hand with...

The Nozzle.

The what?

The Nozzle.

say it out loud, and slowly:

The Nozzle.

And what is... The Nozzle?

This should make it all clear:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhe9afduhVo

Fucking Somalia wont cross me again, I swear it.

@XVI - But what does THE NOZZLE do?

I'm pretty sure that everyone would say that if they lost their hand masturbating that they would get it replaced with some kind of bad ass techno-pseudo-ultra gadget or something to fight off aliens/super heroes. Not me. After spending years of whacking off, it is only fitting that on a lonely night in Iraq I got caught whacking off and thus they hacked off the whack off hand. Nonetheless, unbeaten and with years of experience built up, I no longer need to sit on my hand to perform a "stranger". I just took the hand of a stranger and it does it naturally! In fact, a female hand model of arguable, yet regretable, fame would provide me with the excuse to get her out of the industry that exploits her while simultaneously making me the happiest boy since fleshy Pinocchio. Sure, it may be a fem-hand, but damn it feels great.

@Slamhammer: Welllll... alll-righty then.
Stranger than my Megan Fox juggling chainsaws nude origin story? No
More believable? Yes.

I still prefer mine.

Never get into a fight at a con. Sometimes those three-metre, 220kg swords work by irate cosplayers aren't just for show. My right hand is still clutching that discounted volume of Rebirth, although it's now sitting in my spares box, next to the extra Socket 939 heatsinks.

In its place, I installed an IBM Model F keyboard. One of the heaviest, loudest, most obnoxious input devices on the face of the earth.

When not using it for data entry, it provides two distinct weapon modes of operation-- the cable providing a useful whip, and the body suitable for bludgeoning in the style of Axe-Hand Morgan.

I fell into that dimension from Land of the Lost. My hand was bitten off by an angry T-rex. I was with Rick, Will and Holly.

Remember Fisto from Masters of the universe? Yeah, I want that fist on my stump. Then I'll punch Will Ferrell in the face as many times as it takes to get him to stop making shitty movies.

MattK> Charge up any weapon you want, a single shot from the Mega Buster will end your charges, so the X-Buster will be no stronger than the Mega Buster.

Shot for shot, the X-Buster holds more power. In addition, the X-Buster's energy amplifier does not get disrupted when damage is received by its wielder, else many a battle I've engaged in might have ended differently. However, with the original Mega Buster, charging has to begin again once damage is taken (if you try to release the X-Buster blast while taking damage, however, is a different story).

Or, at least, that would be the case; it seems with Mega Man 9, charging is no longer even a viable option unless you're Proto Man, who, while powerful, is basically compensating with his life due to a faulty nuclear reactor.

Even if you were to get a shot off towards me...I believe the Megabuster's "Pause" effect from Mega Man 2 will allow me to avoid any damage...and allow me to return fire and increase damage several times over.

Which is all well and good, if this were 20 years ago. The pause trick no longer works. And by charging up the Rolling Shield with the X-Buster, your pew-pew-pew shots won't even touch me. In the meantime, I could be preparing any of several different kinds of shots that would engulf you in plasma.

I look forward to your video, nonetheless. It'll be an amusement to watch after Bustin' some fools.

Vids are posted. Sadly, there's not really anything good on YouTube depicting the X8 Cut Man encounter.

And it has transcended the very genre that introduced to be featured in Marvel vs. Capcom. That's because no matter what comes after it, the Megabuster is still the standard by which all other Busters are judged.

Correction: It's the character who has wielded it who has transcended. It's Mega Man who remains the icon, not simply his weapon, any more than a Fire Flower is more iconic than Mario or the Morph Ball is to Samus.

Unfortunately, X has not had the opportunity to take up arms in a fighting game, perhaps because his blasts would likely be so lethal to all combatants involved.

One more point to add to my side: If you managed to survive an encounter with Chill Penguin, you would get the ability to shoot balls of ice. With an upgraded X-Buster, I would get that ability AND a free ice sled to go with it. And who wouldn't want a free ice sled? Or chameleon cloaking? Or a force field? Or homing fish?

And that's just in the first game; imagine all the possibilities! Reverse gravity, restructure land with short-range earthquakes, and even create a perfect (albeit temporary) double! Defeat a porn star, and charge your sex life! Defeat a wealthy businessman, and charge your credit card! Defeat a trumpet player for the cavalry, and get ready to charge!

And if I defeat you in this contest, I can charge up my wardrobe with a new t-shirt.

How would I lose my arm you ask? With my luck only in the most mundane of ways.... freak accident involving a garage door, or a dishwasher perhaps. I am nowhere near cool or smooth enough to lose it fighting evil doings or robots. (If I did come into contact with some awesome being I'd surely lose.)

What would I replace it with? Go-Go Gadget hand of course!! It's the wish for more wishes clause for body parts. Whatever Gadget needed it was there, phone, skates, copter! All I have to do is say Go-Go Gadget........ (insert what you will here*) *dildo... and there it is (but mine wouldn't be nearly as disturbing as Edward Penishands I might add). Although just as useful!

this is easy....Bionic hand with missile launching fist!!

Oh, and I forgot to say how I lost my hand. Crap. If it's not too late, then I'll say my robot dog ate it.

LBD "Nytetrayn"-"And if I defeat you in this contest, I can charge up my wardrobe with a new t-shirt."

I could not be more honored to lose to such a worthy opponent!

LBD "Nytetrayn"-"And if I defeat you in this contest, I can charge up my wardrobe with a new t-shirt."

I could not be more honored to lose to such a worthy opponent!

squirrels. live ones

Octopus tentacles. Obviously for the ladies. Nuff said.

I was sitting on the couch carefree, when I heard it's siren call... the slow chiming of every neighborhood's most ideal visitor. No, not the Milkman, postman, or underemployed handyman... No... THE ICECREAM MAN! As I recklessly vaulted from the couch, my foot became entangled in the laundry basket of freshly dried clothing, causing me to stumble haphazardly out the door and into the street, where I collapsed precariously in front of the afforementioned ice cream delivery professional. I quickly pulled my body out of the way but alas I was too late, and as the dulset tones of "Pop Goes the Weasel" echo from its grill, the Ice Cream truck crushed and destroyed my right hand.

Thankfully, due to private insurance and a healthy "Please Don't Sue Us" settlement from Good Humor, I was able to not only rebuild my hand, robotically, but also improve it.

Now, when the palm is cupped, the hand serves as an ice cream scoop, seemlessly filing and creating delicous ice cream of a multitude of flavors thanks to Good Humor's newly designed Compact Ice Cream Generator... Strawberry, Chocolate, Rocky Road, Cookies and Cream, Vanilla, Mint Chocolate Chip, Butter Pecan, but not Spumoni. Thats disgusting.

Each finger was installed with a nozzle, and a near infinite supply of topping appropriate for that finger. We of course wouldn't want to cross contaminate our nozzles! That'd be disgusting!
Hot fudge out of the the tip of the index finger, strawberry chunks, and syrup out of the middle finger, butter scotch out of the ring finger, sprinkles and nuts out of the tip of the pinky, and of course whipped cream from the thumb.

While losing some dexterity, the flexible nozzle mechanisms still enable me to hold and clutch things, but now... I have become the ultimate Sundae commando. The Offensive capabilities should not be overlooked:

-Someone attempts to mug me, BLORT, squirt of hot fudge in the eyes.
-Someone has a peanut allergy, a wiggle of the pinky and bamf! off to to the emergency room!
-Being chased down a dark derelict alley but unknown possibly alien predators? A quick squirt of butterscotch to both cause them to slide as well as reduce their traction!
-Someone is at a distance? How will they like it when they've got a double scoop of chocolate ripple pitched at their head!

Exactly. But it wouldn't even be a problem, because I mean seriously, who doesn't like Ice cream?

I guess I goign to have to be that guy and say The Orgasmerator. You know the nifty little gun-like attachment from Orgasmo. Baically anything you shoot with it orgasms, A-list actresses, animals at the zoo, clown at a kids birthday party, princial at graduation, that girl you have a huge crush on, football players at practice, etc... (sorry I keep bouncing between the bad-ass use of it and the hilarious use of it) The enjoyment factor alone is enough, then you can have any woman ever on that one too; hey it beats putting in all the work, and ladies I'm sure you'd enjoy that too.

When I was watching RoTF, the people in the theatre went crazy from the exposure(I shielded myself, so I survived), and it suffices to say my hand did not survive. As a replacement for my hand, I would have a Vladimir Putin on my obsolete little stump. Being Russian, I have a claim to him, unlike you yanks. Somebody giving a hard time? My Putin'll snap the little bastard's neck. Stuck in a lion cage? He'll unleash his secret power: SUPER VODKA MEGA RAGE!!!!!! When the smoke clears Putin will be shirtless, and the lions will resemble angel's hair pasta drowned in marinara, and the place will be littered with thousands of bottles of vodka. Oh yeah, and he has AK-47's in his fingers. As a final touch, I'll surgically attach a Russian edition of the Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy to him, so only I, and not you yanks, will have access to the knowledge.