​I did this contest for Transformers 2 and had a great time, mostly because I'm a bastard who hates everything. Now, I truly doubt that the G.I. Joe movie will be nearly as bad as Transformers 2, but I still fail to see how a movie with all those Marlon Wayans pratfalls can be the same movie that's getting such good reviews from movie sites.

It seems like most of you are with me on this, so before we actually see the film and have our minds blown/get our hopes dashed, I want you to tell me what you think the worst moment of the G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra movie will be. Will Duke and Cobra Commander make up at the end and kiss with tongues? Will Marlon "Ripcord" Wayans use his accelerator suit to fall face-first into a banana cream pie? Will Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow use their ninja feud to highlight another Hasbro product, such as playing a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos? Will a bald Gary Oldman make a cameo as Dr. Mindbender? (You can't use that last one, because that would be awesome.) Will Snake Eyes tell a joke at the end of ther flick? (Terrifyingly, that almost happened.)

Feel free to include stage directions and lines of dialogue, but keep it brief, mainly because I've still got the nerd flu and my attention wanders. One entry per person, and the contest ends at 12:01 EST on Monday, August 3rd. And remember, knowing is half the battle. The other half? Lasers.

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From the Toronto Star:

Los Angeles, Calif.-The Star has learned exclusively that the voice cast of Futurama has just signed a new contract with Fox after weeks of intense salary negotiations.

As late as last week, the network was threatening to replace the original voices of Matt Groening's cult-hit cartoon, to the point of actually announcing a casting call for voice actors to replace them.

The compromise agreement, with the studio paying more and the actors accepting less, comes after the announcement of a 26-episode pick-up here by Comedy Central. Futurama also airs internationally in syndication, has produced four bestselling straight-to-DVD movies (later cut into episodes) and an upcoming feature film.

Look, I don't know why the Toronto Star would have this news, but I've never heard them to just make shit up like many of the British "papers" do. So... FUCK AND YES. THANK YOU, SWEET ZOMBIE JESUS. And thanks to John S. for the amazing tip.

So this 1979 McDonald's commercial, tied to the first Star Trek movie obviously, might be most notable for starring the world's least threatening Klingon (seriously, "Happy Meal?" Couldn't they at least have been "Angry Meals" or something?). But what blows my mind is the recollection that Happy Meals used to come with cookies. Holy shit I remember those McDonaldland cookies being somehow incredibly plain but delicious. I'm certain they were plain; I'm probably making up the fact they were delicious. but the fact remains that they were part of the damn Happy Meal. Nowadays? Nothing. Goddamn it sucks to be a kid nowadays. (Via Gizmodo)

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The news that Ridley Scott is returning to the Alien franchise should be cool. Despite a few weak sequels and the generally terrible Alien Vs. Predator movies, the franchise has plenty of life in it, and Scott's original Alien remains one of the best sci-fi/horror films ever made. Unfortunately, Scott has signed on to direct a prequel to his masterpiece, which I couldn't give less of a shit about. Let me quote /Film for why:

The film will be a direct prequel to Scott's original 1979 film. This leads me to believe that the film will tell the story of the crew of the empty ship that is discovered in the first film. In a 2002 interview, Scott wanted to return "to where the alien creatures were first found and explain how they were created."

And let me quote Filmdrunk to explain why this is a shitty idea:

You know what are super cool?  Sharks.  You know what's not that interesting?  The story of how sharks were created. ... Somehow Ridley Scott went from being the guy who turned down both Alien sequels to the guy who'll make prequels, movies about Monopoly - whatever studio execs want.

Let me tell you what this movie will be -- an alien stalking that first spaceship, or, basically, a remake of the original Alien except everybody dies and it'll saddled with an incredibly lame origin story that makes the whole franchise less interesting. No thank you, Ridley. Why don't you just go ahead and work on a prequel to your Monopoly film instead. Tell us how Uncle Moneybags met the dog and thimble.

​My apologies for the lack of fan fiction last week. I had every intention of posting one, but the coverage situation at SDCC was so dire that I didn't have the time. I know many of you were heartbroken about not being able to read about ridiculous and mostly horrible sex acts between beloved cartoon characters, and I am sorry. This is the story I wanted to run, since it involves everyone's friendly neighborhood Spider-Man and his nemesis Doctor Octopus. First, the author's note:

Warning: This story is based on the spiderman comic, not the movies or cartoons. If there are any inconsistencies with the movie, other than the fact spiderman is raping Doc Ock of course, do as Lucy Lawless suggests in the Simpsons and figure "a wizard did it". Thank you.

You're welcome, author Crudedude! Good call making this about the comic version of Spider-Man; we all know that having the movie or cartoon Spideys raping Doc Ock would be ludicrous, but the comic version? That makes sense. If he's sell his marriage to a supermodel to the devil, he'd rape Dr. Octopus no problem. Let's continue after the jump, shall we?

Why is the Cardboard Tube Fighting League better than live-action role-playing? Mainly because these guys are calling themselves Rangor Axemaster the Brave and they aren't yelling "Lightning spell!" every ten seconds or so. They just get together in a big crowd and wail on each other with cardboard tubes which, if not exactly noble, does have a certain inherent dignity to it. It looks like these guys are in Seattle if you have some leftover holiday wrapping paper that you need an excuse to throw away. Much thanks to Kevin's Devil Dinosaur blog for the tip.

It's the @#$% this:
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That's concept art from Tony Pulham for an upcoming Wii game currently codenamed "Epic Mickey," which seems to be a dark, steampunk version of the Disney universe. Don't believe me? Check out Goofy:
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That shit rocks my world. It looks like Disney has finally paid attention to the success of Kingdom Hearts, and realized that adults do not mind twisted takes on their beloved characters. Hell, I'm not much of a Disney fan (especially not Mickey) but I would play the holy fuck out of this game. Please head over here to see much more awesome concept art and details regarding the game. Thanks to whoever sent the tip in; I seem to have lost the email while drooling of zombie robot Goofy.

Battle Beasts! You know, those little critters from the '80s all tied to elements that fought each other. Well, the battle is beginning again, because Diamond Select Toys has not only gotten the license to these things, but ownership of the whole brand. Right now, Diamond says they'll be incorporated into their Mini-mates line, which seems like a good fit as long as that includes some new pieces for claws and hooves and snouts and such (who wants a non-animal Battle Beast?) Not me, that's for sure).

You know, I'm just speculating here, but given the continued popularity of Pokémon and that Bakugan game, there might just be a mass market for a new version o Battle Beasts. If Diamond can make up some kind of game to go with the toys, and still make the figures visually interesting while using the cheap Mini-mate body, they could be sitting on a bit of a gold mine. There's no reason these have to just be for collectors  or indeed, how many collectors will be into a new Battle Beasts line. Hmm. I'm just thinking out loud here. (Via Minimate HQ)

I'm a bit late to the game with trailer, despite the fact it's produced by the Wachowski brothers (or the Wachowski brother and Wachowski sister, if the rumors are true). It looks like an old-school ninja movie which even boldly casts an Asian in the title role... although purists might object to him being Korean pop star Rain (of Speed Racer fame) instead of, you know, Japanese, since ninjas come from Japan and all. Baby steps, people, baby steps. The ninjas of the '80s were white men; in 2009, we have a generically Asian ninja. Come 2040 or so, we'll have Japanese ninjas star in our ninja movies. Or we'll all have been eaten by those corpse-gobbling robots anayways and won't care.

​By Chris Cummins

Since Stan Lee and Steve Ditko created Spider-Man in 1962, the character's amazing powers, endless wise-cracks and relatable vulnerability have rightfully earned him a place in the hearts of true believers everywhere. But with great power comes...endless ancillary spin-offs. Off of the comic pages, Spidey has become a media juggernaut on the big and small screens. His merchandise rakes in billions annually and Spider-Man Day has displaced Christmas to become the most popular holiday of the year! Hyperbole and blatant lies aside, it's fair to say that the web-head is really awesome. The same isn't true for all of his non-comic book exploits. It's a good thing that Spidey Sense doesn't detect absurdity, otherwise there wouldn't be the head-scratching (and sometimes toe-tapping) wonders that await on this list. Prepare yourself for the biggest WTF? moments in Spidey's career that didn't occur on the printed page.