• Snake Eyes infiltrates the Arashikage compound where Storm Shadow is training legions of Cobra Ninjas. After masterfully proceeding undetected to Storm Shadow's quarters, both ninjas confront each other in a fight scene that ends with both ninjas disarmed, panting for breath. They star each other down. Then, both Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes rip off their masks, and begin to passionately kiss. We then cut to the next morning, where Snake Eyes sneaks out of bed, and walks away quietly, transforming into Zartan as he goes.

• Worst moment of GI Joe: Duke: Send in the F-22's to shoot down these Cobra HISS tanks now or it's game over man! General Hawk: We can't get a lock on the target Duke, where exactly are you? Duke: I'm standing underneath the HISS tank's.... testicles.

• WITH PROPER KANYE WEST GOGGLES ATTACHED, OF COURSE.

• SNAKE EYES IS IN FACT LOSER-ER BROTHER DAMON WAYANS, SUIT IS IN FACT HIS PAINTED BALD HEAD.

• The worst part will be when the sequel(s) is announced and you realize that by paying to see the abomination that was the first movie you ensured the second would be made. speak with your wallet, don't see garbage!

• Weekend went by WAY too fast, and my entry is WAY too late. I'll just throw this out here in the hopes of being mentioned honorably or belatedly, or perhaps even just stupidly. Upon realizing the displeasure among fans about Ripcord being changed to an African-American/black man, they try to "make things right" by having something happen, i.e. getting hit by an experimental Cobra weapon, falling into a vat of chemicals, etc., and having him come out white. Possibly as a different actor altogether. Conversely, anything referencing Cobra-la. Even if it's derogatory and meant to appeal to us, odds are the movie would still be better if they just ignore it altogether.

• The Joes capture Crunchberry Commander and interrogate him by having Bayformer Bumblebee piss on him in a modified version of waterboarding.

• "COBRA LALALALLALALALALALA"

• As Ripcord is done talking about how much fun he had popping a cap in cobras ass(Sommers is a bigger fan of stereotypes than Bay naturally) they recreate the public safety ending. Duke says knowing may be half the battle but the other half is due to youth enrollment in the army, how the army can fulfill your need for knowing, since it can pay for college. This army recruitment spiel will go on for 15 minutes. The entire movie had been a new recruitment campaign for the army and is hailed as a breakthrough in product placement. they will also equate Cobra Commander to Osama Bin Laden in such a way, that it may seem that Cobra Commander was in fact responsible for 9/11.

• The big final battle between the Joes and Cobra happens. The only ones left standing are the Baroness and Duke. The movie jumps ahead to 6 months later. General Hawk and The Baroness have just finished lunch at the White House when Cobra Commander's nephew Sidney , runs up the lawn and shoots Duke in the chest. The General is left laying on the White House lawn, bleeing to death, her fate unknown...

• the worse part of the movie will be when at the last battle when the joes are moving in cobra as likely escape and cobra commander says i am sorounded by morons and takes off his mask plus snake eyes has the last line in the film. and gets peed on by timber

• 10 minutes of story and the rest devoted to super explosions and slutty women in skin tight spandex. That I'm afraid is the worst thing about this movie. Enjoy your childhood raping. COBRA LALALALALALALALALA.

• In an attempt to infiltrate Cobra, Duke sends Scarlett out to use her feminine wiles to gain access to the MARS Corporation. Ripcord concerned about Scarlett takes the position as Destro's new secretary, Paris Wilson, a white chick! Hilarity ensues as Ripcord's jealousy takes over and he foils Scarlett's attempts to charm Destro. The movie climaxes at Destro's Christmas Office party when the Joes show up as the main attraction, the ED209 Robot Dancers. You laugh as Breaker programs the accelerator suits to do the robot in synch. You'll be amazed as they start shooting the office up and no one gets hurt. You be left wondering who is that sassy secretary coping a tude, and why does baby got so much back. Thanks Stephen Sommers.

• Scarlet, who has proven to be completely ineffectual when compared to her male comrades, fights the Baroness in the end with combat skills that would give Bruce Lee a hard on, and she kills her via dropping her from a building or crushing her under a building (thus not even tainting her pretty little feminine hands). Hey, it's not enough to just be sexist. We also have to make the girl characters super human beasts when not being inferior little girls to mask the fact that the staff has no real clue how to make a female character who is empowered. Hint, if her role sans love side story can be cast to a male actor without the audience batting an eye, the writers have failed. The empowered female is not a man with girly parts.

• Scarlette and Baroness fight and whoever wins calls the loser a "bit**"

• At the end of the film, someone (probably Ripcord) screams "And now, LET'S PARTY!", complete with an inexplicable dance number set to James Brown's "I Feel Good" and Hughes-ian "Where Are They Now" end credits... "Storm Shadow and the Baroness eventually fell in love and started adopting foreign babies" "Ripcord opened up his own fried chicken chain. It was shut down inside a year" "Scarlett was sent to prison for drug trafficking, and realized her identity as a butch homosexual" "Hawk retired after a bout with rectal cancer" "Destro went on to sell used cars, as the prophetic sage Seth Green foresaw" "Duke is now CEO of News Corporation, and is hard at work cancelling all the shows you love" Then the credits roll, with the quiet sound of our inner child weeping playing over the soundtrack...

• im going to have to say, the worst part of the movie is at the very end of the credits, you see the "Old Snake" trade secrets to the decepticons

• Scarlett turns out to be Shawn Wayans in disguise and the whole movie turns out to be a long teaser trailer for White Chicks 2

• The worst moment would have to be the scene where Skids and Mudflap show up at the Joe's base--Skids engages in a rap battle with Ripcord, while Mudflap challenges Snake Eyes to breakdancing. Cue Michael Bay still explaining that these characters aren't racist parodies.

• Taking a cue from Michael Bay, as the Joes rush to take on Cobra in the middle of Paris, a cute little girl - Stephen Sommers' actual daughter - standing on the sidewalk yells out "Go Joe!" How she knows they're with GI Joe or why a little American girl is in Paris is never explained - it's just FEELS right, dammit! And even though I think it'll suck, I am kinda happy that Kevin J. O'Connor is Dr. Mindbender.

• A white Nerdy guy will show up as Roadblock and flub his line and say Body Message and then saves the day.

• Shipwreck and Gung-Ho come out of a gay bar all drunk. While Shipwreck and Gung-Ho are in some alleyway, Shipwreck starts using his filthy mouth and swearing like, well, a sailor. Gung-Ho gets completely turned on and starts talking some cajun-french bullshit, whips out his cajun cock and crams it down Shipwrecks throat. Then Roadblock just happens to walk by the alley and hears all this and breaks into rhyme: "Don't you know, you can't screw a "Joe"? You gotta use yer head, before ya try to bed. You don't use a rubba, and your dick will rot off'ya. That's why theyz always tell the Navy's, when ya gets to port have these. Use a Trojan on that fucka, or you'll get HIV sucka!" Gung-Ho and Shipwreck both say "Gee, they never taught us that in sex ed class back when we were in grade school. Now we know." Roadblock of course whips a bunch of condoms at the two, looks back at the camera, winks and says: "And knowing is half the battle!". Next scene is Barbecue, hacking the hell out of the two in the alleyway with blood spattering everywhere while he yells "Take that you fuckin' homos! The military don't like fags and neither do I!" GI JOE!!!

• Shipwreck and Gung-Ho come out of a gay bar all drunk. While Shipwreck and Gung-Ho are in some alleyway, Shipwreck starts using his filthy mouth and swearing like, well, a sailor. Gung-Ho gets completely turned on and starts talking some cajun-french bullshit, whips out his cajun cock and crams it down Shipwrecks throat. Then Roadblock just happens to walk by the alley and hears all this and breaks into rhyme: "Don't you know, you can't screw a "Joe"? You gotta use yer head, before ya try to bed. You don't use a rubba, and your dick will rot off'ya. That's why theyz always tell the Navy's, when ya gets to port have these. Use a Trojan on that fucka, or you'll get HIV sucka!" Gung-Ho and Shipwreck both say "Gee, they never taught us that in sex ed class back when we were in grade school. Now we know." Roadblock of course whips a bunch of condoms at the two, looks back at the camera, winks and says: "And knowing is half the battle!". Next scene is Barbecue, hacking the hell out of the two in the alleyway with blood spattering everywhere while he yells "Take that you fuckin' homos! The military don't like fags and neither do I!" GI JOE!!!

• Halfway through the movie, when your mom grounds you for not mowing the lawn and refuses to buy you any new G.I. Joe Actions Figures (not dolls like she keeps saying!), so you have to finish the whole thing using your sister's barbies.

• Probably any moment where Cobra Commander, Destro, the Baroness, and/or Storm Shadow try for a Darth Vader style redemption, just to show they are human and aren't all bad. Which of course they are, <em>they're bad guys in a kids toy line</em>; and I don't think they necessarily need deeper motivation than "evil fuck." I don't wanna hear about Cobra Commander's unhappy childhood or Destro's noble heritage or the Baroness's Stockholm Syndrome. (Storm Shadow's raging jealousy of Snake-Eyes works, though...) Maybe they kill the drug dealer Headman or something.

• "-Destro is kicked in the crotch, and it is also encased in metal." @Mike L: And in a fitting homage to the original toyline, that crotch easily breaks off. Right there, on the screen.

• The Baroness enters the room and says "What? You were expecting someone with a European accent?"

• The line, "Well, that sure made MY 'cobra' rise!"

• This is a top 3 list of favorite scenes, in no particular order: - G.I. Joe uses a Gilette razor to shave in "Wolverine" style sideburns, then looks at a picture of Cobra Commander and says, "I'm coming for you, bub." - Anyone gives anyone a raspberry. - A ninja faithly recreates the musical/catburglary scene from "Hudson Hawk" Thank you, and good night.

• The entire movie Snake-eyes has been torn between being a cold ninja killing machine and trying to be human and show his true feelings for Scarlett. In the final battle she takes a bullet for him. He has her clutched in his arms. She says, "Take off your mask so I can see your eyes." He does, but his face is still obscured in shadows, but the eyes are visible and crying. "Those aren't the eyes of a snake. They are the eyes of a man, the man I love." She dies in his arms. Pull back up into an overhead shot as he silently screams like Pacino on the stairs with his daughter in Godfather III.

• Sorry, sorry, I fucked up my post, so use this one as mine and disregard my original, please. The best part? That this will be the movie I set up in my Trannies3 post, from the Joe side: "Olivia Munn (playing Megan's character's lesbian lover, Roxxy Vegass) and Optimus Prime are arguing about whether Kirk or Picard is better. They interrupt this conversation to brief the collected Autobots on their next mission: Cobra Commander is planning to murder every world leader with an orbital missile launcher. Yes... they are using the old comics where they (Transformers) crossed over with GI Joe for the movie. Unfortunately, these are the new GI Joe movie characters also known as stupid pieces of shit. They meet up with the Joe crew, and follow a formulaic action-thriller plot, eventually leading to an anti-climactic showdown (interspersed with graphic scenes of Olivia and Megan having lesbian sex, which borders on porno, and then crosses the line. Over and over again.) Eventually they catch Cobra Commander, and he begs for mercy. But then it gets worse. The last 40 minutes of the movie is veritable torture porn where the Autobot team -Brutally gang-rapes him -Puts him under severe psychological torture -Murders his family while he watches -Dismembers him -Cuts out his eyes -makes him EAT THEM -PISSES ON HIM UNTIL HE GIVES THEM INFORMATION -and then they put him out of his misery, nice and slow... all while The Touch, by Stan Bush, STAN F**KING BUSH plays.. and the final shot which extends through the credits, the shot that virtually defines the movie, is Cobra commander's face looking RIGHT INTO YOUR EYES AS HE BLEEDS ONTO THE FLOOR OF HIS LAIR, and cracking a wry little smirk... he coughs out an eye, and dies." The third best part? The musical number. "It's basically the entire cast singing "Always Look on The Bright Side of Life" with a stumbling, armless, bleeding Cobra Commander that's hacking and coughing up his blood, teeth, and fingers.(It is hailed as a great moment in black comedy, akin to the Black Knight scene, but with Cobra commander.) That's while Olivia and Megan do it on top of a golden pedestal shaped like a kneeling(Atlas-esque) Mike Bay, smiling at the camera. Yes, there's more Olivia/Megan sex on the DVD. Yes, I'd buy it." The 2nd best part? Where David Tennant regenerates from the corpse of Destro, fully naked. Yes, the audience sees everything. EVERYTHING! Also, lesbian orgy between Megan, Olivia, Baroness, and Scarlett. It is HOT with a capital "Erection". 4th best part. worst part? when Crunchberry falls to his knees and seems to die in the musical number, there's a three second wait, and then it pans to John Lithgow, Kirsten Johnston, and French Stewart standing in the doorway out of the stage, in character fron Third Rock. John says to Crunchberry, "You fucked up, Tommy, you fucked up. Now you must die. The Big Giant Head demands it." As they all stare passively, John shoots Crunchberry in the head, while Crunchberry screams, 'NO, DICK, NOOOOOOOOO-" BAM! While you realize the entire movie was just a setup for a Third Rock from the Sun movie, and a nerdy hope fills you, starting the cycle again. That's the worst part. Not in terms of moviemaking ineptitude, or silliness, but in cruelty, stringing you along on a chain of hope, only to swing you into a tree of shit which contains a glimmer of hope that the next tree won't be quite so pungent.

• COBRA blasts through a farm, and a little girl cries 'My little pony!'

• -The last battle happens near a rock concert. The band decides to start cheering on GIJOE and 'makes up' the theme song. -Some kid is asked to be an honorary GI JOE. -Destro is kicked in the crotch, and it is also encased in metal.

• when it starts

• You know all the hate for Transformers 2 may have been the reason why it did so well as people went to see it saying "there is no way it can't be that bad as they say" And you know what, it was enjoyable. And the same thing is going to happen with GI Joe, it's not going to be the next Dark Knight but that's because it isn't tring it would be more like Speed Racer. GI Joe resolute was awesome because Warren Ellis is awesome (also never watch or read anything to do with GI Joe so he based the whole thing on command and conquer)

• Ripcord and Duke about to embark on their 1st mission in Accelerator Suits Ripcord: You know what the difference is between you and me? Duke: What's that? Ripcord: I make this look GOOD. (Ricpord then puts on Raybans over his visor)

• Farting inside the suit. Smelling is hal who delt it.

• Camera zooms in and you realize Snake Eyes has a rubber mouth piece. Oh no wait.

• Every scene with Cobra Commander

• 3 words: Accelerator suit balls

• While being introduced around the Pit, Duke accidently buys some pot brownies, and then tackles Shipwreck and Barbeque as they attempt to play frisbee on the quad.

• Marlon Wayans fights a super-nano-enhanced Cobra soldier in Washington DC at the end of the movie. First, the soldier knocks him into the Pentagon September 11th memorial, where they beat each other with parts of the display. Marlon throws a bouquet of flowers left by a grieving family member at the soldier, which only makes him mad, and quips, "So much for flower power!" Marlon is hit so hard, he hits the Vietnam Memorial next. Marlon knocks over the black stone panels in a mad dash to run away. Horrified Vietnam vets look on as a jackass desecrates their memorial. The fight goes to the national archives, where after being smashed into the case holding the Constitution, Marlon holds up the Bill of Rights as a sheild and yells, "Don't taze me, bro!" The Cobra soldier punches right through it. The last part of the fight takes place at the Lincoln Memorial, where the soldier charges Marlon at full speed. Marlon leapfrogs over him, and smashes the nano-soldiers head into the memorial as hard as he can, resulting in a bone crunching sound, and the super-nano-soldier's death rattle. The camera pans back to show the Cobra soldier's body stuck, head first, into President Lincoln's crotch. Marlon straightens up like he's the greatest American hero ever, salutes the statue, and says, "Good work, Ben Franklin!" The film wins 5 academy awards, and my soul dies.

• After 40 minutes of actionless intelligence gathering at the film's start the calm is finally broken by a library fight wherein a Joe smashes Cobra's face with an encyclopedia, and fails to make a reference to KIHTB. A phrase that has been on every fan's mind since they were seated, explodes from the crowd's collective voice, fans start bitching, and ushers are overwhelmed with noise complaints. Then in the confusion a Cobra clad fan stands up and uses a concealed paintball gun to block the projector, and promptly flees to an emergency exit. A manager comes in and tells the crowd he's moving us to another theater wherein I have to watch the initial duldorous 40 minutes again.

• Ripcord takes down Scarlett's leather pants and reveals her enormous firebush, which in turn tells him to bring Ten Commandments back to the other Joes. The frotch's voice: Morgan Freeman.

• Throughout the movie we snippets of Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes performing short but awesome feats of badass ninjary. Enough to wet our whistle for what will be the inevitable awesome ninja sword fight between the two of them at the end. As the final battle rages outside, Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes finally cross paths. Swords at the ready. Scarlett runs down the hallway to help Snake Eyes, but as she reaches the doorway the doors fly closed and she, along with the audience, is locked out. She can only peer through the key hole, and we're left watching her, watching the fight through a key hole while sound effects of clashing swords and broken furniture play over a dramatic score. The doors open and Snake Eyes has won. Storm Shadow lies dead on the ground. It was probably the most epic battle between white and black ninja, but we'll never know.

• During a confrontation between Gen. Hawk and Destro some sort of bullshit is said leading up the the conversation ending with Hawk saying "now I know" while Destro smirking and slightly looking at the camera says "and knowing is half the battle" oh and someone might shit there pants for comedic relief...like Zartan.

• Maaaaatttttt Dammmmmmmooonnnnnnnnnnnn

• After everything is over, G.I. Joe and COBRA team up to fight Al Qaeda in G.I. Joe 2: Everything Is Made of Explodium. Guess who directs that one.

• I would say the worst moment is going to be when I think about giving up $10 for the movie and realize that $10 is better well spent on horrible hooch and and a possible $5 gummer blowjob from a hooker down the street. That is more fun than paying to see this movie as my childhood will not be destroyed again. Thank you Masters of the Universe with Dolph Lundgren. So there really will be no "worst moment" in my eyes...unless you count the free clinic and possible crotch rot from the cheap bj.

• There's a scene were Duke and Ripcord enters the showers and saw the Village People inside singing GI Joe themes in acapela. Then, the whole room went dead silent when Snake Eyes entered the room without his pants showing that his lips and nose are not the only things that's molded in rubber. Roadblock enters and says his only line in the movie, "Damn! This ninja brother has a rubber boner!!" Stephen Sommers beats Joel Schumacher's batman movie and bat nipples in both "worst movie" and "worst idea in a movie" titles in film history with this one scene.

• The moment will come only a couple of hours after watching the movie, when you realize that with the suits the whole storyline was just a loosely plagiarized version of the Mega Man games.

• Everyone breaks out in a huge musical number.

• To guess there is a worst part would imply that there are actual good parts.. and we all know that isn't happening...

• Sorry if this one has been used but i couldn't read through all of them. Obviously it will be when it is revealed that Duke and Cobra Commander are brothers or father and son or some such nonsense. Alternatly, Combra Commander is Damon Wayans.

• Well, if we're going by Sommers current string of madness to up the drama of the plot, there's going to be a reveal moment that goes something like this... Throughout the movie, Duke has been having flashbacks to old wars that don't make sense. He's fighting Romans, Nazis, and other soldiers throughout history. They're from so long ago, yet they all seem like they've happened to him. Plus, there's that one familiar element in all of them he hasn't quite grasped yet. Oh, and they all feel REALLY out of place with the feel of the movie. We pick up where Duke seems to have Cobra Commander at his mercy, the leader of the Cobras pinned under his rifle. Cobra Commander: You still don't realize who I am, do you? Duke: And you are...? Cobra Commander: Have you been seeing strange things lately? VISIONS, perhaps? Duke: What do you know about those? Cobra Commander: Oh, nothing. Except......... EVERYTHING. Duke: TELL ME! (Starts to choke Cobra Commander with his rifle) Cobra Commander: These visions are quite old, aren't they? Yet, you feel as though you've lived through them? Maybe that's because YOU HAVE! Duke: What do you mean? Cobra Commander: Throughout history, there have always been forces that have sought to control the world. Alexander, Caesar, Napoleon, Hitler. Yet they all come up short of their dreams? Why? Because there are always people who fight for freedom from this control. Maybe it's just a cycle of humanity, or maybe, there are two forces of control and freedom that have been secretly working throughout history vying for the fate of the world. And maybe we are reincarnations of soldiers who have headed such struggles. Duke: You're talking nonsense. Cobra Commander: Oh, am I? And hasn't there been something familiar in all of those things you've seen in your head? A person perhaps? Maybe someone you've seen on the battlefield.... (Duke begins to have clear flashbacks to wars throughout history. In all of them, he's on the other side. And fighter from India overcoming one of Alexander's commanders, a Russian defeating one of Napoleon's top men, an American soldier has a head of the SS by the throat. His enemies all seem familiar. They all have COBRA COMMANDER'S EYES) Duke: What is this? Cobra Commander: It's becoming clear now. And why do think this war for control hasn't been completely decimated? Again, it could be a cycle of humanity. Or it could be because the warriors who command these legions are......... BROTHERS. Duke: (Going all Brad Pitt in Seven) No....... Cobra Commander: Oh yes. Two brothers who have, since the beginning of creation, battled for the fate of humanity. You have had to power to end this struggle for thousands of years, but you can't. Because that would mean killing your DEAR BROTHER! And it goes on from there. I know, I didn't follow the "keep it brief" part of the instructions, but this idea just had unfold the way Sommers would make it unfold. If you think this is in the realm of the impossible, go back and watch The Mummy Returns and Van Helsing if you dare. Too bad, really. After listening to some commentary tracks, if there was a list of directors I'd like to go to a bar with, he'd be on it.

• The flashback scene where it's revealed that Heavy Duty got his code name after dropping a massive turd so large that it back up the plumping for the entire headquarters.

• the love scene of scarlet and duke, two words, accelerator condoms.

• Two Words: Stephen Sommers

• The worst moment? Every frame Marlon Wayans is on screen.

• Snake Eyes pees on John Turturro.

• Accelerator suit sex.

• Shipwreck gives a PSA at the end about being able to tell the real women from the "ladyboys" while in port in Bangkok. "Now you know and knowing is half the battle."

• We learn that Ripcord got his name from an unfortunate groin injury.

• Duke's father joins in the adventure and keeps calling him "Junior." When Scarlett asks why he keeps calling him "Junior" His father says his name is Douglas Hauser, Jr. and that "Duke" is the name of the dog on the Bush's Beans commercial. Everyone laughs and rides off into the sunset.

• At the end of Larry Hama's cameo, he steals a Jeep. No -- no, wait. That would be kind of cool, 'cause, like, no one would get it.

• Worst? Or ... <i>best</i>? It will be when we realize that all the acceleration we've been seeing in the trailers is actually slo-mo, and we watch an extended chase scene with the Joes' legs spinning around, Road-Runner style. It will be done dead serious, with dramatic close-ups of Channing Tatum grimacing with exertion. This high-speed running will cause fluid build-up in the joints of the suits, which can only be released via a valve in the crotch. Actually, that was goddamn hilarious in <i>Kung-Fu Hustle</i>. The Road-Runner stuff, not the pissing. Stephen Chow actually made group pissing dramatic.

• No John Turturro. *sigh!*

• I'm sitting in the theater realizing that every time the actress who plays Scarlet speaks it's like nails on a chalkboard (SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!!!!) And while I'm twisting in agony the sketchy guy next to me puts roofies in my $10 cup of pepsi, and 5 hours later I wake up in a dumpster with a tore anus. Curiously I'm still luckyer than the people who actually watched the movie.

• Scarlett has sex with Bumblebee.

• The fact that you walked into the theater, which gives them the chance to make a sequel is the worst part of this movie. If it looks like s*** DO NOT go see it and this will result in the best part of this movie, which is that we could be actually sending a message to the people involved in this film and others like it.

• Because Hasbro made tons of money from Michael Bay's awful Transformers: RotF, they wanted to give him a guest director scene. What is the scene? What else, but a low close-up shot of Marlon Wayans' Accelerator Suit with a ballsack dangling between his legs, which the camera lingers on for an extra couple seconds longer than it should.

• All looks lost as the GI Joes will be wiped away by Destro, The Baroness, and the now revealed Cobra Commander. They have them finally in their grasp and suddenly Duke looks up at Commander and says: Duke: I know how we can settle this. Cobra Commander: And how is that Duke? The Joes bust out of their confinements and all stand ready poised to strike. All of Cobra are stunned by this, but quickly adjust accordingly. Duke: DANCE OFF! Cobra Commander ponders, laughs, and then gets serious: VERY WELL! He claps and the lights dramatically change into that of a nightclub. The song This Is Your Night by Amber (as featured on the A Night at the Roxbury soundtrack) starts to play. Duke, Scarlett, Snake-Eyes, and Ripcord begin to dance in the manner of the Step It Up movies. Cobra Commander, Destro, Baroness, and Storm Shadow don't look impressed and begin to dance back. Destro is the most impressive as he pulls off amazing dance moves despite wearing the metal helmet. The scene goes on for eight minutes until, Cobra Commander is defeated by Dukes incredible dance skills. Cobra Commander: You dance well Duke. Duke: Well, I learned from the best. The two shake hands and hug then part ways amicably. The scene zooms out and we see Tomax and Xamot cackle with laughter in a control room with all sorts of recording equipment. Tomax: Are we going to sell this on Pay-Per-View? Xamot: Oh yes, and all the merchandising through HASBRO! Both laugh again and the film cuts to black.

• The moment that there's actually a cool scene and the guy who's spent month convincing himself it would all suck finds himself questioning not only why there was a cool moment, but everything and anything about himself and anything he thought he was.

• In slight defense of the American Baroness, when Larry Hama wrote the character, he always wrote her as American, the cartoon just went European. Still, would have been hotter that way. The worst moments are when we realize that Snake Eyes' visible mouth is an important choice for the mute character's communication. There will be a true connection with the audience, as the Joe base is invaded, a quick dramatic close-up of Snake Eyes' face, his ebony lips tightly pursed as the shocked warrior grimaces and.. bBPRaaAATT!!! That's right, in the absence of speech, the silent ninja punctuates each event with a tremendous fart. Ripcord trips up, or hilariously comments on how uptight this secret military business is, despite the fact that his prior military service would have demanded professional obedience (Rip likes to hang loose, he's keeping it real like he's the Fresh Prince on his first day on the MIB!!) Back to Snake Eyes, he hears this wacky shit going down, and it tickles his ninja heart cause he's thinking this stuff, but Marlon's SAYING it! Close-up to his lovely charcoal kisser curling into a half smile.. Bbwooophhp!! Clown horn funny fart lightens the mood every time!!! Defeats Storm Shadow, who is mortally wounded despite the need for characters for the inevitable sequel. Dying, Stormy says something like "You...were always...my sword-brother. Close-up, crunched angry lips, you know the drill. bBLOMP!! A huge, threateningly deep, I-Probably-Just-Shit-My-Ninja-Pants-Fart. This one kinda says, "I understand what you're saying, but that was a real dick move rolling with those Cobra fuckers." This is followed by a remorseful "Bbwaat" with a tiny "toot" because Snakes just realized he said "Cobra Fuckers." With his ass!! Ray Park has mentioned that he worked a quick Snake Eyes breakdance evasive move into the flick, an homage to the scene in Pyramid of Darkness where Snake Eyes breakdances(to fool cobra's into thinking he's just the regular, breakdancing kind of ninja with fucking grenades on his chest?) The finale goes one further by having Snake Eyes show up at the victory party dressed as Boy George(from the very same miniseries as the breakdancing, but an entirely different scene. seriously.) Snakes, accompanied by his wolf Timber wrap up the 80s nostalgia that's been swelling in us for the past 2 hours by flashing a huge shit-eating grin and farting, harmoniously with his pet, the beloved Culture Club song "Tumble for ya" (Clumsy Ripcord Remix) as the film fades to black. The fartsmiths continue through the ridiculously long credits, covering the entire album. We dance, we applaud, we buy the toys.

• The instant after the last note of the familiar theme ends, and I realize I'm stuck. (And that Christopher Eccelston left Doctor who for THIS?)

• In slight

• The worse part of the movie will be when the pimple-faced teen looks at you through the plexi-glass and says "That'll be $10.00 please." And you pay it...

• adults bitching about how crappy the movies are based on CRAPPY ANIMATED SHOWS DESIGNED TO SELL CRAPPY TOYS is pathetic

• The worse part of the movie will be that every kid you see in the theatre will think this is the Gijoe that we all loved from the 80s and never know how fucking incredibly hot a Eastern European woman clad in leather can be.

• You watch ten minutes of hardcore porn waiting for something to happen other than Storm ShadowCock and RipHerTide going at it... while the Baronessessssss has a lesbian trist with Lady NoWay... then you notice you walked into the PussyCat Theatre and your watching "G.I. Blow"... this went from WORST to BEST!

• I have a couple: 1. Dr. Mindbender is played by Gary Oldman but in his Drexl Spivey character from True Romance. When Duke comes to the Cobra compound, he asks Zartan (played by the Crow's Michael Wincott), "Is it white boy day?" To which the gravely voiced Zartan replies, "Naw it ain't white boy day." 2. It is revealed that all Cobra Commander wants is his sled rosebud. 3. Destro is Keyser Soze. 4. Scarlet. The Crying Game. 5. Destro is Duke's father. 6. Everyone dies except Mr. Pink.

• Someone in the theatre yells... "THIS MOVIE SUCKED" and I yell out "...and knowing is half the battle". Everyone laughs and goes home happy with THAT ending to the night of a disastrious picture show! Oh wait that was the BEST moment... the worst was the end to the last trailer knowing the picture was starting!

• Simple. The worst moment in the movie will be when Ripcord starts singing the Old GI Joe movie theme, but upgrading the Lyrics to be more "hip", "edgy" and "urban" and making no sense at all... stopping to narrate. Maybe we'll get a Joe (crowd) surfing Destro. And the biggest Plot twist ever. The Cobra Commander wasn't brain controlling the Baroness. He got a sex change to BECOME the Baroness...

• Cobra Comander has a gun to Duke's head and is about to pull the trigger. William "The Refigerator" Perry will burst onto the scene and start doing the Superbowl Shuffle. While Cobra Commander is distracted, Sgt. Slaughter will come up behind him and put him in the Cobra Clutch. These will not be actors. These will be the real Refigerator Perry and the real Sgt. Slaughter. The rest of the cast will look confused, as will audiences when the movie ends abruptly and their names are not found in the credits.

• Crunchberry Commander kills Cap'n Crunch.

• When they first use the accelerator suits, they stand around and do stunts and then Waylans's character says: "Hey, what if I have to go to the bathroom?" An alarm sounds and the suit transforms into a toilet right on their bodies. Right. On. Their. Bodies. Goddammit...

• The worst part of the movie will be the BEST part of the movie. Here how it will play out. Duke, in accelerator suit, is running towards Cobra Commander, who is holding the ignition switch for a bomb that will DESTROY THE WORLD. Duke knows he has to get the ignition switch before CC can, well, flip the switch to ignite the bomb. As he leaps over seven moving trains, eleven moving trucks, an Amish buggy, and a marching band playing Fleetwood Mac's "Tusk," he turns to the camera and says, "This GI Joe is about to put a permanent stop to the RISE OF COBRA!" Then he grabs the ignition switch and stomps on it or something, and then he and the rest of the Joes beat the tar out of CC over the end credits.

• The worst part? That this will be the movie I set up in my Trannies3 post, from the Joe side.: "Olivia Munn (playing Megan's character's lesbian lover, Roxxy Vegass) and Optimus Prime are arguing about whether Kirk or Picard is better. They interrupt this conversation to brief the collected Autobots on their next mission: Cobra Commander is planning to murder every world leader with an orbital missile launcher. Yes... they are using the old comics where they (Transformers) crossed over with GI Joe for the movie. Unfortunately, these are the new GI Joe movie characters also known as stupid pieces of shit. They meet up with the Joe crew, and follow a formulaic action-thriller plot, eventually leading to an anti-climactic showdown (interspersed with graphic scenes of Olivia and Megan having lesbian sex, which borders on porno, and then crosses the line. Over and over again.) Eventually they catch Cobra Commander, and he begs for mercy. But then it gets worse. The last 40 minutes of the movie is veritable torture porn where the Autobot team -Brutally gang-rapes him -Puts him under severe psychological torture -Murders his family while he watches -Dismembers him -Cuts out his eyes -makes him EAT THEM -PISSES ON HIM UNTIL HE GIVES THEM INFORMATION -and then they put him out of his misery, nice and slow... all while The Touch, by Stan Bush, STAN F**KING BUSH plays.. and the final shot which extends through the credits, the shot that virtually defines the movie, is Cobra commander's face looking RIGHT INTO YOUR EYES AS HE BLEEDS ONTO THE FLOOR OF HIS LAIR, and cracking a wry little smirk... he coughs out an eye, and dies." The second best part? The musical number. "It's basically the entire cast singing "Always Look on The Bright Side of Life" with a stumbling, armless, bleeding Cobra Commander that's hacking and coughing up his blood, teeth, and fingers.(It is hailed as a great moment in black comedy, akin to the Black Knight scene, but with Cobra commander.) That's while Olivia and Megan do it on top of a golden pedestal shaped like a kneeling(Atlas-esque) Mike Bay, smiling at the camera. Yes, there's more Olivia/Megan sex on the DVD. Yes, I'd buy it." The best part? Where David Tennant regenerates from the corpse of Crunchberry commander, fully naked. Yes, the audience sees everything. EVERYTHING! Also, lesbian orgy between Megan, Olivia, Baroness, and Scarlett. It is HOT with a capital "Erection". 3rd best part.

• "It's Fumbles. It was always, Fumbles."

• Having defeated Cobra, at the end of the movie the Joe's discover an obviously alien portal buried in the snow of Antarctica. After recovering the portal, the Joe's are examining it when it activates and a decepticon arm reaches through, grabs Duke and pulls him through. The Joes run in after him, and the words "To be continued in...G.I. Joe. vs. Transformers, a Michael Bay and Stephen Sommers film. Coming 2011" flash across the screen. Credits roll.

• Dammit MEANT to say: The Scarlette/Baroness catfight (which is hereafter known as the best scene) will result in both of them falling into a pool of acid/active volcano/path of superweapon of some sort and dying which segues into an overly dramatic funeral scene. After a brief period of mourning Duke and Ripcord are consoling each other in their bunks, the Tequila is passed, the uniforms are dropped, Snake Eyes appears in the doorway wearing his mask... ...and nothing else. Thus begins next weeks FFF. I really need to check my post before I send it.

• The Scarlette/Baroness catfight (which is hereafter known as the best scene) will result in both of them falling into a pool of acid/active volcano/path of superweapon of some sort and dying which segues. After a brief period of mourning Duke and Ripcord are consoling each other in their bunks, the Tequila is passed, the uniforms are dropped, Snake Eyes appears in the doorway wearing his mask... ...and nothing else. Thus begins next weeks FFF.

• 70-some posts and no mention of Cobra-la. You guys aren't trying.

• And yes I know it's "Knowing is half the battle." Part of the joke is they can't even get the line right.

• Ten minutes into the movie my hydrocone smoothie wears off and I realize where I am. The late showing of The Ugly Truth. My wife rips off her face to reveal Zartan. The three little girls in the row in front are the Dreadnoks. Sitting next to them is Sgt. Slaughter. It's actually the Sarge. He is just catching the movie. I rush into the theater playing G.I. Joe to catch the final two minutes where the Joes are saved from the vicious Viper "he comes to vipe your vindows" by honorary member William "The Refridgerator" Perry. That role is played by Tyler Perry. I throw up in my mouth a little. Side note- The Ugly Truth is a feel-good, witty date movie.

• In the ultimate cross promotion, COBRA brings back everyone's favorite villian HEAVY METAL, who will be played by Chad Kroeger from Nickelback. Like the original villian, Heavy Metal will cause chaos and destruction by playing music, which in this case will be some B.S. song called Get It Joe (G.I. Joe) that will also feature Jacoby Shaddix from Papa Roach "rapping" halfway through the song because the producers still believe Limp Bizkit and Linkin Park are popular. The ultimate kick in the balls will be the exact same song will be used over the ending credits, except now it's an acoustic duet between Chad Kroeger and Chris Daughtry. The end line of the song (which is not heard in the movie) will be a harmonizing of "'Caauuuussseeee knowledge-edge-edge-edge...is half the battle."

• I have been predicting the worst moment in the GIJOE movie for weeks. It will happen when Snake Eyes turns out to be a robot/android/cyborg. I even tried to start a rumor about it on twitter last night. I have been leaving comments on all the TR GIJOE movies posts that Snake Eyes will be a robot/android/cyborg. If you decide Snake Eyes as a robot is the worst moment in the GIJOE movie I had better be the winner. I predicted it first long before you had this contest. If you select someone else as the winner and they suggested that Snake Eyes is a robot I will come and find you Rob Bricken and I will take you down. I PREDICTED SNAKE EYES WOULD BE A ROBOT FIRST DAMN YOU. IT WAS ME. MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

• end of movie: duke and snake eyes at a pub, sullen and slumped over a beer, because they don't know the father of scarlett's baby joe.

• You take your seat, munching on popcorn, or drinking a soda, theater goes dark. Title screen comes on, and the film breaks. A message from Hasbro comes on "Screw you, Here's Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Director's Cut, with 40% more Mudlfap and Skids". And the exits are chained shut. Ok, that's more like a nightmare I had.

• Duke and Ripcord bust into the Cobra lair and kill everyone inside. Cut to a chair turning revealing a 12 inch figure in a chair. Ripcord "wittily" comments he thought Cobra Commander would be taller than that. Cobra Commander sneaks up behind the duo, shooting them in the head. Then laughs maniacally as he says "That was my 12 inch Hasbro figure, douche bags!"

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