By Rob Bricken in
Merchandise, Movies
Tuesday, Oct. 27 2009 @ 10:29AM
Yes, that's a vampire Fleshlight --the "vagina in a can" sex toy used by lonely men whose hands have apparently stopped returning their calls. I admit I'm a bit confused, since although the characters and fans of Twilight love not having sex before marriage, those are 99% girls, right? (I'm not saying there are no male Twilight fans, I've just never heard of one). But this -- called the Succu Dry, by the way -- is clearly for boys with penises. Is this like the self-loathing consolation prize for guys whose girls are waiting to be married to a vampire before they give up the goods? Because that's pretty fucked up right there. Seems like you'd want the many, many, many non-vampire cans to stick your penis in instead of the vampire one. But I don't really want to stick my penis into any can at all. Perhaps if I did, I'd have a different perspective on things.
Here's a fun game: Watch this Twilight clip and try to pretend that Edward does not have his penis in a Succu Dry during it. You can't, can you? No thanks to Gorbash, destroyer of worlds for the tip -- and god forbid, but you can order the Succu Dry here. Please, please don't tell them I sent you.
31 comments
Comments
Captain Draino said:
Ummmmm, let me think about this..........NO!
If it doesn't look like a shaved taco, I'm not shoving it in.
Nik said:
GAH!
Arsenal said:
Are you sure thats not just left over mech from the movie teeth?
Also that video cracked me up, the worst part I have no idea if that is actually from the movie or not, as there is no wasy I will watch the movie.
WadevsTheWorld said:
I've ceased to be shocked what people can and do buy in the sex toy area.
I'm just waiting for the grasped werewolf hand with real wolf hair.....just saying.
operation said:
For the love of Cthulhu, put that image under a jump man! Some of us still have eyes!!!
bort said:
Can I just say that the pre-load image on that video is just perfect. A slack jawed, dead eyed Bella without a thought or emotion in her empty head. That image is Twilight in a nutshell.
Gleeman said:
Erm, wrong nipple?
Mechabeasr said:
Yup nothing makes a BJ hotter than more teeth. Obviously this was designed by virgins for virgins
Bill said:
WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS!!!
DoctorSmashy said:
Okay.... forget Stay Puft, forget Clippy - for it is a giant Twilight fanboy with his penis in one of those things that shall destroy humanity. Now if you need me I'll be gouging out my eyes.
Geoff said:
Everyone here is familiar with my girlfriend's forcing me to watch Gossip Girl in order for me to get my hour of MNF between that and Castle (which we both agree on).
Well, they're now doing a Twilight parody... and even Josh Schwartz TRYING to make fun of the stupidity of Twilight couldn't come up with something as ridiculous as a masturbation can with vampire fangs.
Meat In A Roll said:
They should have called it a Fangina
s parker said:
I've seen this on a couple blogs now. I think it's marketed almost exclusively to gay men.
And lol@ more teeth for blowjobs comment.
daveh said:
I guess it could be a female vampire administering the coupe de grace. But I doubt it.
SpiderHyphenMan said:
I TOLD YOU THAT EDWARD CULLEN WOULD BE THE ULTIMATE DESTROYER! THIS IS MY VINDICATION!
jaganar said:
@ TOPLESSROBOT
to all the gay comments , i have to ask when the HELL have you ever seen a female vampire with MALE LIPS O_o
( oh wait , its that glittervamp =/ );
i swear i can just hear David,Michael,Lestat, Spike and ANGEL just go TWILIGHT DOESNT COUNT AS A FUCKING VAMPIRE SERIES.
Okami Hime said:
Am I the only one that noticed the crooked front teeth?
Now if you will excuses me, I need to wash my soul for this.
TrapJaw said:
In regards as to whether there are male Twilight fans...
A few months ago there was a news story about how the more soulless citizens of Forks, WA (the town where the books take place) put on a Twilight-themed prom. Hundreds of fans descended upon the little Washington town, and while the vast majority of them were daft teenage girls who idolize a daft-yet-fictional teenage girl, there were still quite a few daft young boys there.
Most of the post-prom interview subjects seemed terribly disappointed that there was no actual Edward Cullen there to place his fanged mouth upon them and deliver them to heights of supernatural ecstasy.
So I guess there is actually a market for a sex toy with Edward Cullen's mouth.
**SHUDDER**
cocacolaoso said:
Bella a Nipple Fetishist? Fangs in a can? Well as long as the erotic action doesn't happen "together down there", I don't see Stephanie Meyer upset by this in any way.
I'm not one them but yes there are MALE Twilight fans:
Josh said:
I'm pretty sure the Succu Dry is going to team up with the Twilight dildo and destroy the world.
Dork Loser said:
GOOD GOD, IT HAS TEETH!!! WHY AREN'T YOU ALL MORE BOTHERED BY THIS???
DJ Maniak said:
Why wasn't this tagged as "Things that make me drink"?
Gleeman said:
Vagina dentata?
Hugo said:
Oh man, fuck you for that video, I waited hours to check it out because I can't see youtube shit at work, and I'm thinking "ok, maybe she's got some cleveage, then she leans forward and we get to see OH MY SWEET LORD GREYSKULL OF ETERNIA!"
Matt said:
I like the look of the texture on the inside, but the fangs and the teeth are just not cool.
BoredLizzie said:
AAAAaaaaahhhh!
Rigel Black said:
Oh, this is sad in so many ways...
What the hell, if you're going to have a gay fantasy about a mythical creature, at least choose one that could actually pass by a MALE creature.
Edward Cullen doesn't count as male, or as vampire, or as character, for this matter.
It's just a bunch of sugar, puppies and crimson, mixed up in a gary stu money-machine.
PS: The sparkling dildo. WTF.
_Look, my dildo glow in the dark!
_Look, mine sparkle like a thousand diamonds in the sun! *-* It's SO romantic.
_lolwhut?
gorbash said:
You are welcome.
CChaos said:
That is so screwed up beyond reasonable thought.
Any man who actually owns one of these things deserves to get dragged into an alley and beaten to death for the sake of our gene pool.
Liz said:
OK, apart from the AUUUUUUUGGGHWRONGWRONGAUUUUUGH!!!...
If you're going to put fangs on your masturbatory aid in hopes of making it feel like you're getting a vampiric hummer, wouldn't you want the fangs to feel like fangs instead of squishy flesh? I'm not saying sharp, but at least solid smooth enamel.
Just sayin'.
jaganar said:
ok as sick as this is ....i think my startup page on my laptop has found its creepy sequel O_O
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