The 10 Most Bizarre G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero Episodes

By Jon Gutierrez in Cartoons, Daily Lists, Toys
Friday, December 11, 2009 at 8:00 am
5) The Gods Below

Since Cobra Commander clearly doesn't understand investing or robbing banks, he decides to finance Cobra by plundering the tomb of the Egyptian god Osiris - which gets the Joes and Cobras transported to the Egyptian land of the dead, where the Joe's hearts are weighed to determine their worthiness and the Cobras have to worship the snake god Set. Yep, in the Joe universe, not only are the Egyptian gods real, but you can get to their pads by simply walking through a tunnel. Of course, the Joes and Cobras get kicked out after Duke insults one of the gods by calling him "dogface." USA! USA!

4) Once Upon a Joe
To entertain some orphans whose orphanage he destroyed, Shipwreck (notice how most of the weird stuff happens to him?) tells a cartoony faerie tale with himself as the hero "Shipshape," a mallet-wielding Cobra as the enemy and the Joe women as fairy princesses. Later, during a Cobra attack, he accidentally sets off the McGuffin device, which reshapes reality creating actual cartoony versions of his story's characters to attack Cobra. Yep, there's nothing that can terrify the enemy like the unbound terrors in a sailor's nightmares. Also, he walks around his boxers a lot, which is disturbing in an entirely different, but no less terrifying, way.

3) Iceberg Goes South

Yep, it's the Island of Dr. Mindbender as Cobra combines human and animal DNA to create freaky abominations to fight the Joes, because having the mind of polar bear is a big improvement over the average Cobra trooper. Apart from the the horrifying man-things shuffling around the Cobra "tropidome," this one gets on the list for one thing in particular: The sight of a mostly naked Iceberg slowing morphing into a killer whale. Yep for our tastes, even partial nudity in G.I. Joe is weirder than just about anything.

2) There's No Place Like Springfield Parts 1 and 2
G.I. Joe ventures into psychological torture as Shipwreck doubts his own sanity in this genuinely disturbing episode. You see, to get an explosives formula out of Shipwrecks's mind, the Cobras make him think he's lost his memory and living in the future town of Springfield with a bunch of tubby, over-the-hill Joes, who are actually easily melted synthoid clones. They even give him a wife, a clone of his mermaid girlfriend Mara (her episode didn't make this list, which really says something about how weird this series is). In the end, Shipwreck tries to save his wife and daughter from a fire, only to have them try and kill him before being melted by Polly with a synthoid-dissolving ray. Man, that swabby can't catch a break.

1) Glamour Girls

Cobra teams up with Fashion mogul Madame Veil, who's invented a machine to suck the beauty out of a woman's face and put it on someone else. Of course, it also leaves the donor's face as blank as an egg, so there's a bit of a downside. When Low Light's sister ends up strapped to the face-sucking machine he shoots it, leaving Veil's face so horrific they won't show it on screen. And everyone's terrified, including the Joes, but not as much as the kids watching at home.
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