TR Contest: Fictional Character Assassination

Friday, February 26, 2010 at 5:00 pm
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Back in my Wizard days, my co-workers and I used to play a game. The game was this: If you had six bullets, who at Wizard would you kill? Now, I had plenty of friends there, but then there were many "co-workers" -- and I use the term loosely -- that we all loathed and blamed for much of the company's bad decisions, evil policies and shocking stupidity. There were so many people who were so awful that we seldom agreed on who we could kill to do the most good. It took me a surprisingly long time to figure out how fucked up this was, and that if I was daydreaming about murdering co-workers, maybe I should just get another job. I'm a happier person now, and also I'm on medication.

So let's forgo the creepiness of real people -- 80% of you would likely pick Michael Bay, Uwe Boll or Robert Pattinson anyways, if last week's contest was any indication -- and you tell me the one fictional character you would most like to assassinate. Maybe it's because you think they're the low point of the franchise; maybe you think they're over-used; maybe you just hate them. But the point is you can destroy one character from ever existing, so you need to pick your shot wisely. I'm going to pick Snarf, not because I particularly like the Thundercats, actually, but just because I find him to be the most loathsome cartoon character ever created. His uselessness, his voice, his design -- he makes Orko look cool and competent in comparison, and Orko fucking sucks.

Any story in any medium is available for your brutal murder, so go crazy. You may assume that your bullet is magically deadly, so it will take care of vampires, Wolverines, even ghosts, etc, and be totally, irreversibly fatal. The contest ends on Monday, March 1st, at 12:01 am, and remember one entry per person -- anyone who shoots twice is immediately disqualified from winning a TR shirt. See you guys on Monday.

Lara Croft and Slave Leia Having a Snowball Fight

Friday, February 26, 2010 at 4:01 pm

No joke. That's the video. Yes, I do feel ashamed for posting it, but I also know I had no choice in the matter. If I see a video of Lara Croft and Slave Leia, in costume, pelting each other with snowballs, I'm posting it. That's just a given. Still, after her time on Hoth, I'm surprised Slave Leia's not a little better at this. (Via Gorilla Mask)

You-Know-Who Debuts on April 17th in the U.S.

Friday, February 26, 2010 at 3:11 pm
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Specifically, Doctor Who. BBC America has announced that season 5 will debut on Saturday, April 17th, less than two weeks after it airs in Great Britain (on Easter, or April 4th). I'm sure none of you will illegally download it and watch it early, though. From the press release:
Matt Smith debuts as the new, Eleventh incarnation of the famous Time Lord alongside a new travelling companion, the enigmatic Amy Pond (Karen Gillan).

"Britain has a tradition of reinventing its iconic characters, like James Bond and Sherlock Holmes - and Doctor Who. In introducing the Eleventh Doctor, writer Steven Moffat is opening the show to a whole new audience, while serving fans with an exciting mix of inter galactic, time travelling adventures. We can't wait to meet his new Doctor!" comments Richard De Croce, Senior Vice President Programming, BBC AMERICA.
...
Travelling both through time and space, the new series has the mysterious Doctor and Amy Pond together exploring sixteenth century Venice, France during the 1890s and the United Kingdom in the far future, now an entire nation floating in space. The first three episodes of the 13-episode series have been confirmed as The Eleventh Hour, written by Steven Moffat, The Beast Below, also by Moffat and Victory of the Daleks by Mark Gatiss.
I doubt anyone is particularly surprised by the return of the Daleks -- they're far better at returning than actually exterminating, it seems like -- but I want to know if the Doctor will be solving the mystery of where his eyebrows disappeared to. Anyways, nerds, set your calendars accordingly.

Fan Fiction Friday: Optimus Prime in "When Optimus and I Met and Fell in Love"

Friday, February 26, 2010 at 1:55 pm
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No, this still isn't The Other Story. Settle down. Rest assured The Other Story is coming, you fools, because you all were stupid enough to keep asking for it despite me explicitly telling you you didn't want to see it. But before I post it, I need to get a few other stories out of the way, partially because I don't want to lose the opportunity to run them on FFF, and partially to soften the eventual blow (if I ran The Other Story after a rough couple of FFFs, the readership of TR would undoubtedly drop in half). So it'll run in a few weeks. Stop asking.

Now onto this week's FFF entry, submitted to me by Mike. It's a lengthy tale of robots and romance, written by an author who calls herself TheRealMrsOptimusPrime, the reasons for which will be abundantly clear shortly. Right now, the story is four chapters and 9000 words, so you'll forgive me if I sum up a bit.

• The main character, Bonita, was in a car wreck, whereupon a doctor turned her into a half-robot, half-girl, Bionic Woman-style.
• Eventually it's revealed that several other girls were also in the wreck, also turned into robo-girls, and joined up with the Autobots.
• Bonita begins working for the government as a Bionic Woman, kind of, but her first mission is in Taiwan to fight Decepticons, where the Autobots show up, and...

On the ground zero where the battle was taking place, My self and the other females were trying to keep the enemy form destroying the city. I went to one of them and pulled out her red ion blades and took her battle stance. So she ran up to the enemy, but he shot her in the chest armor and she thrown back into a building behind her. The enemy slowly walked toward her but he stopped...

Optimus Prime was running toward them. I looked at the enemy wondering why he had stopped moving, I tilted my head back to see the most wonderful thing...He was the most handsome charming robot looking man I have ever seen. He had the most beautiful light blue eyes, that I have seen. I was lost in his eyes for what seemed for the longest time then he was gone...What I didn't know is that he had tackled the one who shot me. As I saw him take that ugly looking thing to the ground...then he ripped off the giants head and dropped it on the ground. I looked around and saw the other ones like him retreat. As the hot looking one walked toward me he said in sexy voice "are you alright and who are you, where did you come from?" As I answered in a shy but beautiful voice "I am fine. I came from a secret lab not to far from here. By the way my names Bonita, and who are you?"

He looked deep into my dark blue eyes, and said "My name is Optimus Prime and I come from a plant called Cybertron and we are here to protect the human race from the Decepticons." I looked at him with a confused look on my face and said "Decepdwhat what is that?" He said in that sexy voice of his once again "Decepticons are our mortal enemies of ours form our plant." I replied to him saying "That's what them damn things were."

We'll continue after the jump. It's a long one, so bring a snack.

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Tekken Care of Business

Friday, February 26, 2010 at 12:11 pm

Ooh, even I'm ashamed of myself for that article title. Anyways, there's a Japanese trailer for the live-action Tekken movie, and it still looks more authentic than I assumed it would be. In fact, at least half the movie looks just like the game, and not coincidentally, half the movie seems to take place in the same tournament ring and involve nothing but fighting. The other half, with the waif-ish John  Foo as... who, exactly? Jin Kazama? Hee hee hee! Man, if I liked Tekken even slightly I'd be furious. But I don't and I'm not! Don't worry, Tekken fans, there still seems to be plenty of more accurate cameos, including Tekken fighters like Heihachi, Marshall Law, Eddy Gordo, Yoshimitsu, Jermaine, Tito, the Frito Bandito, Chico, Gummo, Hardrock, Coco, Joe... oh, whoever. If the kangaroo and bear aren't involved I still don't give a shit.

Batman > Superman

Friday, February 26, 2010 at 11:25 am
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This might sound obvious to most of you, but we're not just talking about ass-kicking here. Both Action Comics #1, the debut of Superman and Detective Comics #27, the first appearance of Batman, went for sale recently in various auctions. It is worth noting that Superman's debut sold for an even $1,000,000, while Batman's debut, just a week later, sold for $1,075,000. It's hardly the most compelling evidence of who's more popular than who, but it is an indicator. Seeing as superman can't even seem to hit Batman with his heat-vision when he standing two-feet away, I'd say it's pretty clear who DC's #1 guy is. (Via ICV2)

Sure They're Cute, But They Still Piss Behind the Couch

Friday, February 26, 2010 at 10:31 am

There's a small emergency in the Topless Robot household, and I and Ms. Robot have to take Topless Cat to the vet. Please enjoy this video of underage Korean girls, dressed as school girls and wearing kitten paw gloves, prancing about the stage for some Korean TV show, and singing what may well be the worst pop song in the whole of human history. Anyways, I should be back and on track in time for the next post. Sorry for the inconvenience of having this song stuck in your head for the next several days. Still, better this than a giant My Little Pony belting out "Defying Gravity," right? (Via Warming Glow)

Transformers: War for Cyberton Is Too Good to Possibly Exist

Friday, February 26, 2010 at 9:47 am
This is a new trailer for the Transformers game War for Cybertron, which actually includes gameplay. I know there were some doubters, but to me the gameplay looks at least as awesome as the cut scenes. If blog posts could absorb liquids like paper does, this article would be sopping wet, and not because of tears of joy. Something of joy, all right. Not tears, though.

Andrew Koenig, 1968-2010

Friday, February 26, 2010 at 9:03 am

Andrew Koenig, son of Star Trek's Walter Koenig, was found dead in Vancouver's Stanley Park after the actor had been missing since Valentine's Day, victim of an apparent suicide. Koenig was probably best known as Kirk Cameron's friend "Boner" on the '80s sitcom Growing Pains, but nerds likely knew him best for his father; however, Andrew also played the Joker in the acclaimed fan film Batman: Dead End, above. There's no amount of condolences that would help anyone during this tragedy, especially from a dumb nerd site, but we will say that Koenig was talented and his family have our deepest sympathies.

10 Completely Batsh#% Insane Foreign Knock-Off Films

Friday, February 26, 2010 at 8:05 am
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Somewhere in history, the idea of "copyright" came into existence. This meant that if you had an idea, and you "copyrighted" it, no one else could make money off it unless you gave your approval. As a result, films were copyrighted so Sam Dumbass couldn't make his own sequel to Star Wars and profit off of it.

Of course, in many other countries, copyright is just another funny sounding foreign word which means absolutely nothing; not unrelatedly, these countries are seldom on the first-run lists of places to show the latest American blockbuster. So sometimes, enterprising foreign people may decide to raise 100 kfernupfs, or whatever other bizarre local currency they use, and make their own version of said Hollywood movie for their own profit. Their local culture and entertainment values, coupled with the fact that the filmmakers often never saw the original movie, but heard about it second-, third- or even possibly 16th-hand, make for some truly bizarre -- but often entertainingly awful -- cinematic rip-offs. Enjoy the 10 most batshit insane foreign knock-off flicks we could find.

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