11 Bad Draculas

By Ethan Kaye in Cartoons, Daily Lists, Movies, TV
Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 8:05 am
6) Udo Kier in Blood for Dracula
Better known as Andy Warhol's Dracula, the oddball artist had very little to do with the actual filming of this low-budget gore/sex fest. Like many art films of the time, Blood for Dracula is a bad film mixed with gratuitous nudity, with competent actor Kier in the middle of it. His Dracula is all about sex, and really the only thing Kier brings to the role is a European accent. Once you make Dracula only about finding virgins to devour, it moves sufficiently far away from the Stoker book. Although it really does feel like a college thesis film, Kier went on from this to become one of the towering heroes of horror films, especially vampire flicks.

5) The Animaniacs' Dracula
Admittedly, any time anyone goes up against the Warner Brothers (and sister), he's going to look like a fool. Not only is Dracula mistaken as Amish, he's locked out of his own castle, hit with a bat, has his teeth brushed against his will (then removed), forced to attend a slumber party, wears make-up, and is sawed in half.

4) Dracula 2000
When you're making a vampire movie, I understand the allure of basing it on a previous vampire concept. If anything Dracula makes money, why not slap the Dark Master's name on your vampire flick and draw in those fans? In the case of Dracula 2000, there really would be no harm in coming up with a new vampire. Instead, the classic Stoker baddie is brought back in the form of long-haired Gerard Butler who's really Judas Iscariot who tried to kill himself but failed and then became a vampire. Lame enough for you?

3) George Hamilton in Love at First Bite
As far as parodies go, 1979's Love at First Bite, is still funny all these years later. Will the same be said of Disaster Movie? Probably not. George Hamilton's Dracula is dropped into 1970s New York City, and predictably bumbles around like an uppity foreign tourist. He's nearly thwarted by a psychiatrist wielding a Star of David and falls in love with Susan St. James, better known as "Kate" from Kate and Allie, ot the hottest of sexy ladies, even by '70s standards. Even more lame is Dracula's Renfield, played by Arte Johnson, who is extremely, extremely annoying (like he is in everything). Supposedly Hamilton's working on a sequel, which is fine by me.

2) The Billy the Kid Vs. Dracula Dracula
Poor John Carradine. If anyone's name is forever linked with shitty rip-off movies, it's John Carradine. Billy the Kid Vs. Dracula is, by all standards, a massive embarrassment. Carradine is over-the-hill at 60 and plays his Dracula like, well, a 60 year old man doing this for a paycheck. Billy the Kid, instead of being a mad-dog killer, is a romantic Western hero. It's hard to take it seriously, although it was meant to be. Carradine played Dracula a handful of times, but wheezing through this was a career low.

1) Dracula from Blade Trinity
Forget all the Bela Lugosi Dracula images. If you believe Blade Trinity, the Transylvanian Count was a bodybuilder with a short neck. If you fail to make this leap when the film starts, you will not be able to take the rest of the movie seriously. All the romance of Dracula has dried up, and you're left with a vampire who would rather drink protein shakes and work his thighs than bite someone's head off. Dominic Purcell may be a fine actor (works perfectly in Prison Break), but as Dracula? Not since John Wayne played Ghengis Khan...
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