The 5 Best (and 5 Worst) Things About Star Trek V

By Chris Cummins in Daily Lists, Movies
Friday, January 7, 2011 at 7:55 am
THE WORST:

5) Rockman Woes
Amongst the myriad woes that beset the production of Star Trek V was an ever-shrinking budget. One of the casualties to all of the financial corner-cutting was the decision to eliminate a fight sequence that would have had Kirk squaring off against a rock creature during his visit to Sha Ka Ree. The monster was a delightfully cheesy creation that conjured up visions of the Gorn and other classic Trek foes. Given that Star Trek V is essentially a long episode anyways (just check out Jack Marshall's Star Trek: Phase II "In Thy Image" fan edit for proof), having a Styrofoam creature for Kirk to fight would have been oddly fitting. Of course maybe I'm just biased because I really really want a figure of old Rocky here.

4) Sybok Being Spock's Half-Brother
In case you forgot, everyone knows everyone else in outer space. This is true mainly in the Star Wars universe, but Trek lore got in on the act as well when it was revealed that Sybok was Spock's half-brother. This is a bullshit bit of contrivance designed to explain why Spock wouldn't kill his fellow Vulcan once he got up to shenanigans aboard the Enterprise. But Sybok could have just have easily been Spock's childhood best friend, which would have eliminated the contempt for the audience that the used concept has. On the flipside, there as those -- such as the fan whose work you see above -- who feel the story arc would have had a hell of a lot more weight if Sybok was Spock's full brother. Apples and oranges I think, but we can all agree that the half-brother thing is a load of space bullshit.

3) Caithlan Dar
Caithlan Dar.jpg
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Better known as the woman Trekkies masturbated to for the better part of 1990, this chick was one of the Nimbus III peace talk representatives/Sybok groupies whose completely pointless scenes slow the pacing of the film to a crawl. According to the folks at Trek fan site Memory Alpha, her Romulan ears were covered so that the production didn't have to pay for the expense of having prosthetic ears made for actress Cynthia Gouw. Apparently Paramount had no problem shelling out dough for cock-inspired hairdos though.

2) Campfire Sing Along
Scotty banging his head is the most pointed to example of bad comedy in Star Trek V. Unfortunately, it is not the worst moment of misguided humor in the flick. That dubious distinction goes to the Yosemite camp fire singalong in which Kirk and McCoy attempt to explain the concept of singing "Row Row Row Your Boat" to Spock. What is meant to be a frothy and playful sequence between the three core characters from the original Trek series instead comes off as embarrassing at best and pathetically forced at worst. Insert pithy comment about how life is but a dream but sadly this scene was real here.

1) Uhura's Fan Dance
You know that scene in Sex in the City 2 when Samantha is running around an Abu Dhabi marketplace screaming about how she loves sex and Carrie, Miranda and Charlotte are mortified? Umm, me neither. The point here is that no one wants to see menopausal women flaunting their withering sexuality in extreme and embarrassing ways. If they did, they'd buy a copy of Mae West's Sextette. Nevertheless, audiences were forced to watch Uhura shake her moneymaker with a jaw-dropping fan dance that defies logic during the otherwise excellent Nimbus III fight sequence. Between this scene and her sad attempt to seduce Scotty later in the film there seemed to be a real push to make Uhura the Enterprise's chief vixen. Instead, this all just kind of made everyone feel that special kind of sad reserved for when your single fortysomething aunt shows up to Thanksgiving tarted up like a whore and reeking of Jameson.

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