I always feel like I need to preface these articles with the caveat that I am a really big Disney fan. Some folks get down on the mouse, but not this Topless Roboteer. So in my course of collecting Disneyana and booking hotel reservations at Disney's Wilderness Lodge, I have noticed one major thing: perverts love Disney shit.
I get the feeling that Rule 34 -- the rule that everything, no matter how weird, is sexually arousing to someone, and that someone put an erotic fan fic or fan art of that something getting fucked on the internet --was invented just to cover the vast amount of Disney garbage out there. And there are some characters who show up frequently: Disney Princesses especially, but don't forget everybody from the Disney Afternoon and Toon Disney. I've wracked my brain thinking of 10 Disney characters that it would take someone of extraordinarily sick taste to twist into something sexy. Take that as a challenge, sickos!
10) Horn Ducks, Alice in Wonderland
Forgot about these guys, didn't you? They're one of the denizens of Tulgey Wood in Alice in Wonderland
, and they're horns with feet and eyes. Sure, they have all the right parts, but as far as my internet search tells me, they have yet to be molested into the ground. You'd have to remember them, first off, which is a large task to begin with (only 7 pictures of them on DeviantART), then say to yourself, "I would like to have sex with this," then figure out a way to do it that doesn't offend God.
9) Joe, Lady and the Tramp
Forgot there were real people in Lady and the Tramp
, huh? Joe was the chef of Tony's restaurant, while Tony was just the glad-handing owner. You can tell he's the chef because he wears a big chef's hat, while Tony does not. There is very little that is sexy about Joe. Unless you have a fantasy about jumping on a kitchen worker with a bad grasp of the English language, he's not on the top of your list. Internet search turned up nothing sexy, so go to it, you Italian stereotype fetishists!
8) Stegosaurus, Fantasia
Minor character in a wordless movie? Sure, but we all felt bad when the stegosaurus was killed during the Rite of Spring
segment of Fantasia
. Internet, it's up to you to write the story where, right before the stegosaurus dies, Doctor Who zips back in the TARDIS to have a quick poke at it. Then you will truly have gone over to the dark side.
7) Mr. Snoops, The Rescuers
I can't believe I actually spent time trying to determine if there was erotic fanfic about Mr. Snoops, the toady from The Rescuers
. From what I've seen, no, but I spent a minute part of my life searching for it and I'm going to have to live with that. He's a fat nerd who wears a crème- colored suit, which I'm sure appeals to some sort of personality, but luckily for the world it's a sort that doesn't feel the need to put their dark desires down on paper. Hey, someone had to love Newman from Seinfeld
6) 'Big Daddy' La Bouff, The Princess and the Frog
There are very few people I know who don't like John Goodman, and the character he played in The Princess and the Frog
was basically an animated John Goodman, but according to a soul-crushing internet search, he's not starred in any stories where he drops his pants and gets his Mardi Gras on. I did, however, find a story where someone felt like the Princess and the Frog
didn't have enough Final Fantasy
elements, and had it cross over with Aerith and Cloud. That was possibly more disturbing than Big Daddy's penis. Author's Note: The character of Lampwick from
Pinocchio, after he turned into a donkey was going to be #6, but then I actually found some sex story about him and my soul died.