5) Barely Making It to First Base
He can take on Thanos, he can die numerous times, and he continually sacrifices himself without a second thought. But going on a date? With a... girl? Yeah, that's something that ol' Steve Rogers could barely muster. After working with former Serpent Society baddie Diamondback on a number of adventures, Cap let the pink-haired babe down by telling her he didn't need or want a partner. So they agreed to just be friends. That lasted all of five seconds before Diamondback just flat-out asked Cap on a date. And the old warhorse actually said yes! So where did our two secret-identitied lovebirds go on their first date? Why, to Cap's ex-girlfriend's favorite restaurant, of course! And when they found out it was closed, they went for Mexican instead. (Reservations, assemble!) That studly move was followed up with a magic show. No, really! And after a long, mostly uneventful night, at least Cap was sure to get some, right? Diamondback's 500% into the guy. He's friggin' Captain America, for crying out loud. And she asked HIM out. He's soooo totally going to score. And... uh... what? The night ended with a super-short, super-awkward kiss? That's it?!? Love stinks. (Captain America
4) Let's Do the Time Warp Again
Cap and mysticism mix as much as taste and fat free mayonnaise. So when Captain America accepts an odd invitation from the sorcery master Mister Buda, you better believe the Shield-Slinger's in for quite the ride. Thanks to a psychic-talisman that Buda secretly places in Cap's hand, the Avenger finds himself bouncing through American history starting back in the days of the Revolutionary War. He quickly meets Ben Franklin, who's simply amazed and inspired by Cap's costume. So much so, in fact, that he quickly sketches a flag based on it, and shares it with Betsy Ross to create a flag for the Continental Army. So yes, True Believers, Captain America's very costume was the inspiration for the American Flag, which later went on to inspire Captain America's costume. Induce paradox headache! (Captain America's Bicentennial Battles - Marvel Treasury Special
3) That Time of the Month
So this crazy, ultra-feminist villain named Superia wanted to create a world ruled by women. Naturally, she called it Femizonia. Her plan? Simple: shoot a few missiles into space where they'd explode and release microbiological weapons called "Sterility Seeds". Her brilliant plan was to sterilize almost the entire female population of Earth. But before doing that she'd gather the strongest, smartest and most powerful women in the world and keep them safe in her hermetically sealed dome around Superia Island. [Did I really just write that? -Auth.] Countries would have no choice but to cave to her every whim merely to ensure the survival of the human race. Toss in Captain America, Paladin, a female M.O.D.O.K. (called M.O.D.A.M.) and you've got one ridiculously suck-filled moment in Captain America's life. Y'see, here's a guy who grew up in the Depression surrounded by conservative women. Suddenly he finds himself prisoner on the S.S. Superia cruise ship with over 50 super-villain women. And what are they literally seconds from doing to him? Turning him from a "Man Out of Time" into a "Woman out of Time." Superia subjected him to her feminization treatments which would've changed Cap from an outtie to an innie if not for the timely intervention of a few super-villain babes who thought Superia was just a wee bit off her rocker. ("Superia Strategem", Captain America
2) Showing His True Colors
Funny what a little brainwashing can do. After spending some time with good ol' baddies Dr. Faustus and the Grand Director, Cap apparently had his racist eyes opened. Not only did Cap start talking crazy about a strong and pure America, but the superhero puppet did something you would never expect to see him do: carry around a shield with a huge swastika on it! Talk about your major fashion faux pas. Thankfully, Daredevil happened upon the scene to snap Cap out of it before the Shield-Slinger realized what a giant hypocrite he'd become. (Captain America
1) Heroes Reborn
Cheap shot? Sure. Necessity on any "Crappy Cap" list? Absolutely. It wasn't bad enough that Rob Liefeld got the reigns on completely redesigning Captain America for the big "Heroes Reborn" crossover event in the mid-'90s. Not only did he replace the iconic "A" on Cap's forehead with what looks like Wonder Woman's eagle icon from her costume, but he decided to play with Cap's physique to the point of absurdity. Yeah, even Power Girl was jealous of Cap's chesticles.
About the Author: Andrew Kardon is the former Executive Editor of ToyFare and Anime Insider magazines. He's currently the president and co-founder of JoeShopping.com, a coupons and deals website. He's also a monstrously huge Captain America fan, with a life-size custom-made shield hanging in his office. He prays daily that the new Captain America movie doesn't suck big ones.
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