10 Incredibly Stupid Things Smallville Gave Us (Instead of Superman)

By John Wofford in Comics, Daily Lists, TV
Tuesday, August 30, 2011 at 8:07 am
5) The Sneeze

For the first couple years, watching Clark develop his fledgling powers was charming. By season 6, however, it was just annoying. Leave it to Smallville to take one of the coolest possible superpowers -- Superman's breath -- and parody it beyond the point of audience interest. Instead of watching Clark outgrow his awkward teenage years with anticipation and humor, Smallville milked that cow long past his high school years.
When Clark developed his super-breath in season 6 -- specifically, by sneezing so hard he blows a hole in the barn -- it wasn't cute anymore. You know what also wasn't cute? Making the whole damn episode about the sneeze, and calling it "Sneeze." He's a grown man, for god's sake. Time for some big boy stories.

4) Season 7... All of It

To be fair, Smallville's seventh season coincided with the guild strike that left a lot of TV floundering in the wastelands of bad writing (damn you, Heroes). Everything falls short. Clark is such a douchebag toward Lex Luthor we actually feel sorry for the murdering prick. Pete Ross returns, chews kryptonite gum, turns into an asshole, then leaves. Supergirl appears, signs up for Smallville's "Miss Sweet Corn" beauty pageant, disappears for a while, shows up again, then leaves once more.
Plots are raised, then dropped without warning, and it all culminates in Lana and Lex leaving Smallville for B-actor obscurity, a sad moment that should have carried more weight than it did. And we weren't any closer to flights, tights, or any of the other things that make Superman -- well, freaking Superman.

3) "Brains! Why Doesn't Anyone on this Show Have Brains?!"

Despite shafting fans by turning Clark into Emo-Superman (or Neo from The Matrix), season nine has its fair share of solid episodes. Unfortunately, it also has "Rabid." For some reason, Smallville's producers felt that, instead of the Man of Steel in all his glory, fans wanted zombies with superpowers. On the surface, it's a silly idea that could have been a lot of fun: infecting the Smallville cast with a virus and watching them hunt for flesh.
The problem? Zombies are only scary when they could kill anyone at any moment, but in a serialized TV series like Smallville the central cast can't possibly die (the exception being shows about zombies killing anyone at any moment, like The Walking Dead). So there's no tension, just guys in make-up shuffling around and groaning. Plus, this episode kills the momentum built up thus far, delaying even further the showdown between Clark and Major Zod.

2) Lois Lane, Deity

Season 10 brought the series full circle, featuring some great cameos and a rose-tinted affection for seasons past. It also gave us "Isis," wherein Lois becomes possessed by the Egyptian goddess and goes on a spree of... throwing things around, standing like a cardboard cutout, and overacting. Following up on the previous week's "Homecoming" (the series fantastic 200th episode), "Isis" had its work cut out for it. Instead, we get... whatever the hell this is. To make things worse, "Isis" ends with Clark finally telling Lois about his powers (which she pretty much already knows). That means at least 10 solid minutes of this crap episode are actually somewhat indispensible.

1) Jor-El, Marriage Counselor

For a year, we waited for a solid glimpse of the final season's Big Bad: Darkseid himself, the evil god of Apokolips, and one of Superman's most dangerous foes. And do we get to see him here, so close to the end? Of course not. Keeping with the Smallville tradition of inducing nerd blue balls, we instead get a scenario where the ghost of Clark's biological father (Jor-El) takes his son's powers away and gives them to Lois instead. Apparently, this is to demonstrate the challenges Clark will face as a Kryptonian on earth. Although, why Jor-El thinks such great responsibility can be trusted to the very woman he's trying to discourage Clark from marrying is beyond me. Sprinkle in some mind control and we have one of the single worst episodes of television in 2011.

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