Yeah, we at Topless Robot think the playthings based around Jurassic Park and its sequels are generally great (that whole "dino-damage" thing was - and still is - pretty cool). That's not to say that the toys have a lick to do with the plot. Yeah, they generally look like their on- screen counterparts, but man; the figures came with bizarre accessories, turning characters who spent a good amount of time running for their lives into certified dinosaur hunters. Unfortunately, some of that same logic was applied to the vehicles, adding weapons and features where there weren't any, or otherwise completely making them up to begin with. And so, today's list. We're limiting these to the transportation that was supposedly based on the movies, not the expanded universe stuff. So yeah, read on for some freewheelin' foolishness, guys.
5) Jungle Explorer
With the Jungle Explorer, the cool-but-harmless, track-bound SUV from Jurassic Park was transformed into some kind of makeshift assault vehicle. According to the packaging, the missile is of the "Blood Sample" (of course!) variety, and is apparently most effective when fired into space by Robert Muldoon instead of at the nearby T-Rex enjoying the hood as an hors d'oeuvre. Safe to say, remove the weaponry and it's a solid toy.
Our favorite part about this thing is Dr. Grant's expression and body language on the box, which makes him look like he's stuck in rush hour traffic instead of a life-threatening dinosaur attack. If he'd only been looking at his watch, we'd insist on framing it.
4) Glider Pack
Apparently undeterred by the crushing injuries he sustained in his last prehistoric adventure, the toy form of mathematician Ian Malcolm decides to take to the air with this glider to fire missiles at Pterodactyls. You'd think a man of numbers would see the flaw in this reasoning and deduce that there are far too many dinosaurs for one chaos theorist to slay, but clearly, Ian Malcolm has no limits. Where'd he get that doctorate again?
3) Bush Devil Tracker
Why, it's the return of the Alan Grant-Bob Muldoon tandem, back to kick some more dinosaur butt! This time, it looks like young Timmy is in tow, possibly being used as live bait. It's true that Grant doesn't like kids, but this is probably taking it a step too far.
The toy is similar to the Jungle Explorer in that it's a regular vehicle featured in the first film modified to fail at capturing dinosaurs. We find this a questionable alternative to leaving; what happens when they run out of gas? What about the T-Rex? Oh well. It seems Dr. Grant's okay with the whole idea as long as Tim becomes raptor chow.
2) Dino-Snare Dirtbike
If we walked away with one bit of knowledge from Jurassic Park, it's that Velociraptors absolutely hunt in packs. You'll have to excuse us, but that makes this thing's mere existence more painful than any evisceration an escaped dinosaur could serve up. We know stuff like this was kind of used by the hunters in The Lost World, but seriously, what's the plan here? Snare the dinosaur's neck, and while you're trying to stop it from biting you, attempt to stay topside on your motorcycle and ride away before his friends catch up? Man, we'd hate to be the guy stuck with this thing. Give us the blood sample missile-shooter car any day of the week.
1) Capture Copter
Try to ignore, for a moment, that the box portrays Dr. Grant as a man who can not only fly a helicopter, but simultaneously use one to capture dinosaurs with nets. What really stands out is that this is a toy of an aircraft placed in Jurassic Park, a story about trying to find a way off an island overrun by giant, murderous lizards. Look -- there it is. The answer to all of your problems. You can leave now, guys. You have a helicopter with a ridiculous mouth drawn on it. Just go home. No? Going to stay for a while? Try to capture all the dinosaurs, you say? See where that gets you? Okay. Makes sense.