The 10 Weirdest Super Mario Bros. Enemies

By Steven Romano in Daily Lists, Video Games
Wednesday, December 14, 2011 at 8:03 am
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​With a colorful career as both adventurers and plumbers that has spanned a whopping 28 years (and counting), the Mario Bros. were bound to make an enemy or two... or two thousand on their innumerable quests to save Princess Peach or the Mushroom Kingdom at large. Each victory meant another villain added to the mustached crusaders' list of archenemies, and when you take into account the individual henchmen of Bowser, Wart and other despots' motley armies combined, Mario and Luigi have a rogues gallery larger than that of the average super hero -- that's more animosity than two Italian plumbers can take! While most of these enemies are pretty run-of-the-mill, such as Goombas, Koopa Troopas and Bob-ombs, there's been plenty of moments throughout the expansive video game series where the Brothers Mario (even Peach and Yoshi) have crossed paths with foes that are too bizarre to even describe or make one wonder what fractured state of mind the character designer was in when creating these monstrosities (and who gave some of them the green-light, for that matter). Take a strange trip down the warp pipe as 10 of the weirdest Super Mario enemies come waddling, swimming and crawling your way! Mamma Mia!

10) Culex, Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars

Square developing Super Mario RPG for Nintendo and then -- out of the blue -- pledging unwavering allegiance to Sony was similar to taking your longtime boyfriend or girlfriend out to a fancy restaurant to drop the bomb that the relationship is over and you're already seeing someone else, hoping the glitz and glamour will soften the blow. Still, the SNES game was hailed as the swan song of these two companies' legendary partnership. A majority of the enemies in the game were either of your standard Mario fare or entirely new ones that at least adhered to the series' vernacular design, but there is one in particular that absolutely screams Final Fantasy and sticks out like a Moogle's sore pom pom: Culex!

Honestly now, who would've guessed that Mario would find himself face-to-face with an omnipotent being of dark matter that looks like it came straight out of a 19th century gothic engraving? That and Culex refers to Mario as his world's greatest knight, because the first thing that springs to mind when on the subject of great warriors are portly plumbers. But before we move on, I leave you with this to chew on: how come in the Final Fantasy series it typically takes some of the strongest spells and weapons to take down final bosses like Culex, but in Mario's world the same can be achieved with Koopa shells and frying pans? Think about that...

9) Gourmet Shy Guy, Paper Mario

You'd be in error to call Gourmet Guy fat, or even morbidly obese. I mean, how fat are you when even your mask begins to grow jowls and a double chin -- it defies categorization, that's what! Plus, wearing a bib and wielding both a knife and fork at all times is simply perpetuating a fat person stereotype. But I digress. Gourmet Guy made his first and only flabtastic appearance in the N64's Paper Mario during the Shy Guy's Toy Box stage, in which he impedes Mario's progress by obstructing a gateway with his rippling, gelatinous mass. Don't fret, however, because Gourmet Guy -- like any other corpulent individual -- can be easily swayed with baked goods; specifically, cake. Upon eating it, Gourmet Guy begins to spiral into an uncontrollable foodgasm and sprints away, letting Mario continue his journey unhindered. Afterwards, Gourmet Guy appears yet again during the scenes with Princess Peach's captivity within Bowser's flying castle. Trying to escape from her room, Peach runs into the big guy, whom of which threatens to squeal to Bowser only if she complies with his sole demand. He, like any low class misogynist, demands that Peach head straight for the kitchen and make him a sandwich -- I mean -- bake him a cake (again). He really knows how to make a woman feel like a princess, no?

8) Cowfish, Super Mario Land 2: Six Golden Coins
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​Cowfish, basically, is what it is: a fish that also happens to be a cow (sans udders, and for good reason, too). And it doesn't do much else other than swim back and forth like a pacing neurotic in this original Game Boy game. Cowfish only appeared in the Tree Zone (fish and trees, go figure), not even in underwater stages where its presence would've made some small lick of sense. But perhaps it was for the better since -- and I apologize for coming off as harsh -- the Cowfish is hands down one of the most uninspired character designs in the history of Mario games -- period!

7) Spooky Mask, Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins
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​And here we are yet again with another entry on the list going to an enemy from Super Mario Land 2. Another one of the worlds within the game, Pumpkin Zone, was entirely Halloween-themed and featured enemies designed after nasties that go bump in the night; all derivative from Western culture and Japan. Most likely trying to popularize on the Friday the 13th series for when the game shipped to America, the designers created a Goomba-like enemy whose entire body was a hockey mask similar to that worn by Jason Voorhees. But that's not the strangest part of Spooky Mask, take a closer look at the guy. Yep, that's a big ol' dagger piercing through the mask and into the little guy's brain. Despite its shocking outward appearance, Spooky Mask didn't pose any real threat and merely walked to and fro like any other Goomba. Then again, the blade would provide an explanation for its uncharacteristic benign demeanor.

6) "Friend," Mario & Luigi: Super Star Saga

Off the coast of the Beanbean Kingdom -- a strange land neighboring the Mushroom Kingdom -- is Joke's End: a massive edifice of ice and snow where terrible jokes go to die (no, really). Upon clearing the dungeon, Mario and Luigi meet with the fairy-like Jojora, whom of which invites the brothers to her tea party along with one of her four friends: Chucklissa, Oholina, Hoohoolia and Teeheena. You ultimately get to choose who to invite, but all of them look exactly the same: a gigantic abominable snow skank with a libido as large as her biceps! Throughout the battle, the friend ponders whether or not one of the Mario Bros. is totally liking what he sees. She then instantly proceeds to gussy herself up in a cheap pink wig. This isn't for laughs (randy snow monsters are never a laughing matter), though, doing so actually makes the friend stronger and causes Mario's fire attacks to heal her. Even worse, when it's time to lay the smackdown, she'll plod on over -- arms outstretched -- ready to plant a damaging wet one on the fortunate Mario brother who struck her demented fancy. Hopefully, Peach won't notice the lipstick on Mario's shirt collar...
Tags: Nintendo, Super Mario

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