Two items of business before we start the day's wretchedess: 1) I want to thank Gareth Williams for taking on the thankless task of tabulating votes for the worst fan fics I've featured here on Topless Robot. I haven't figured out exactly how I'll present them yet, but you'll get to see them eventually. 2) I also want to thank Nick R. for making the perfect "Joy/Head Asplode" combination pic, which was missing in last week's tale of madness "Tron Bone."
Unfortunately, it will not be necessary for today's FFF. This is because today's FFF stars Nickelodeon cartoon star Catdog, in a tale written by OrneryTexan and sent to me by Spudfella, and there's not an iota of joy to be found in it. If you don't know Catdog, here's the salient points from Wikipedia:
The series follows the adventures of CatDog, a conjoined twinhybrid of a cat and dog
with two heads (one at either end of its single body) and no tail or
hind legs. Because of their strange condition, CatDog are seen as
outcasts in the city of Nearburg and are often harassed by their
neighbor, Winslow, a devious blue mouse, and the Greaser Dogs, a gang of tough dogs. However, this is not so uncommon, as everyone else in their family are conjoined hybrids as well.
The series depicts them as being as different as cats and dogs - Dog
loves rock n' roll, Cat does not. Dog loves to chase garbage trucks, Cat
does not. However, they are best friends.
Best friends... who are about become a whole lot more. /weeps uncontrollably
Before we start the story proper, there's an author's note I feel compelled to share:
(A/N: This is a sort of AU where CatDog are separate, as much as I'd
love for them to stay attached it was confusing to make it work, so I
thought it was easier if they were separate, enjoy.)
WHAT THE HOLY FUCKING FUCKMIXERS. THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WRITING ABOUT THEM AT ALL. THE MAIN CONCEIT OF CATDOG IS THAT CATDOG IS ONE GODDAMNED ENTITY. THEY ARE CONJOINED TWINS WITHOUT GENITALIA, OR EVEN THE BASIC BODY LOCATION FOR GENITALIA. IF YOU SEPARATE CATDOG INTO AN INDIVIDUAL CAT AND DOG FOR THE PURPOSES OF EROTIC FAN FICTION YOU HAVE FAILED ON EVERY LEVEL. YOU HAVE FAILED AS A CATDOG FAN, YOU HAVE FAILED AS AN EROTIC FAN FICTION WRITER, AND YOU HAVE FAILED IN DIMENSIONS HITHERTO UNKNOWN TO MODERN SCIENCE. YOU SHOULD EITHER HAVE WRITTEN ABOUT A TOTALLY DIFFERENT AND SEPARATE CAT AND DOG PAIR FUCKING EACH OTHER, OR, IF YOU FOUND CATDOG SO FUCKING EROTIC YOU HAD TO WRITE ABOUT HIM/THEM ANYWAYS THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE HAD THE IMAGINATION TO FIGURE OUT TO TO MAKE CATDOG HAVE SEX WITH HIMSELF AS IS. OR, AND I STATE THIS WITH AS MUCH INDIGNANT WRATH AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE, YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE WRITTEN ANYTHING EVER AND BROKEN YOUR COMPUTER WITH A HAMMER AND SET THE PIECES ON FIRE AND THEN THROWN THE BURNT ASHES INTO THE SEA TO NEVER BE SEEN AGAIN.
...
...now we begin.
It was getting late in the night, and on top of a hill towering above
the slumbering town of Nearberg was a house that was half fish-half
bone. There lived two brothers, one a Cat, the other a Dog.
Despite their species difference the brothers acted just like regular
brothers, never really paying attention to their differences.
ACTUALLY I'M STILL COMPLETELY FURIOUS. I DO NOT APPROVE OF HAVING EROTIC FEELING FOR CARTOON CONJOINED TWINS OF DIFFERENT ANIMAL SPECIES WHO ARE NEVERTHELESS DIRECTLY RELATED. BUT IF YOU'RE GOING TO WRITE ABOUT CARTOON CAT AND DOG WHO ARE BROTHER FUCKING EACH OTHER AT LEAST HAVE THE MINIMUM OF DECENCY -- THE BARE FUCKING MINIMUM -- NOT TO TOTALLY IGNORE THE SOLE CHARACTERISTIC THAT MAKES THEIR FUCKING CHILDREN'S CARTOON EVEN SLIGHTLY UNIQUE. AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHH.
But just like brothers they always had their spats and arguments,
tonight was going to be no different but it was going to be a night they
would remember forever. Because you see, the maturing brothers were
left with one very important need unsatisfied.
Life insurance?
Dog was whimpering in his sleep while tossing and turning, doing so he kicked and woke up his much annoyed brother.
"Dog please, it's 11 at night and I'm trying to sleep." Cat said
glaring at Dog who sat up in an awkward position, hiding something under
his covers.
"Oh I'm sorry Cat, I try to sleep but I just can't, I....I-what are you doing?" Dog protested as he saw Cat edge closer to him.
$5 says it's not Words with Friends.
Dog then covered himself even more, trying to keep Cat from discovering his reason for his sleepless behavior.
"Dog, just what are you trying to hide under there?"
"Nothing Cat now stop!"
Cat's constant intruding to Dog's personal space led them to a small
struggle, Dog trying desperately to keep Cat from seeing his
"condition". It eventually proved futile when their tussle knocked them both out of
their bed, it was then Cat finally saw Dog's huge throbbing erection
shooting out his sheath.
Embarrassed he let out a whimper and crossed his legs, giving Cat a look of anger and sadness.
Dog constantly lick their own balls and other dogs' assholes. I don't know how embarrassed any dog would or should be of jerking off. Of course, that presumes the dog didn't SUDDENLY DEVELOP THE ENTIRE LOWER HALF OF HIS BODY FOR THIS STUPID FUCKING STORY.
"There OK! Now you know, are you happy now?" Dog said as his face
flushed and his eyes grew puffy, he was caught off guard when his
brother scooted himself next to him.
"Ok Dog, you're right. I'm sorry, but it's nothing to be...you know, ashamed of."
"What do you mean? I can't control it and it's so embarrassing, I wish
it would just go away." Dog starred at his crotch with disgust for his
own anatomy. Cat then came closer, putting his arm around Dog's
shoulders.
SIR, I WOULD DOUBT THE VERISIMILITUDE OF YOUR HORRIBLE CARTOON BESTIALITY INCEST STORY BUT I'M TOO BUSY PLOTTING YOUR DEATH FOR WRITING THIS RIDICULOUS BULLSHIT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
"Listen Dog, this is all perfectly normal, hey it happens to me too sometimes." Cat said trying to keep Dog content.
"You too Cat?"
"Oh yes, after all we are a maturing Dog and Cat at a healthy breeding age. So what you got there is just a passing thing."
"But Cat, does that mean he have to find females?"
"Well Dog, normally yes....only no female ever wants to talk to us." Cat said a little glum.
And suddenly, a window into the author's real life opens.
"So does that mean we look for males?" Dog said with bliss ignorance in
his voice. Cat gave a slight look of confusion, but thinking a bit he
smiled a bit.
"No, Dog, we pay for women! Quick, to the sketchy underpass downtown!"
"Well....." Cat said twittering his thumbs in his hands.
"We could......but I got a better idea."
Cat picked up Dog and set him down on their bed, Dog lying just complied, that was until he felt a hand grab hold of his cock.
"Cat what are you doing!?" Dog said defensively as he swatted Cat's hand away from his neither regions.
I hate it when cartoon characters in shitty erotic fan fiction play hard to get. Mostly because it just drags things out.
"Come on Dog, we both have needs that we want satisfied, it will just be for one night."
Oh, Cat. Gay interspecies incest is like Lay's potato chips. Betcha can't eat just one.
"Does this mean you're going to be my boyfriend?"
"YOU'RE SUFFOCATING ME!"
"Wa-no, Dog this is just sexual gratification for both of us, nothing more, nothing less ok."
"Oh okie-dokie Cat."
"Good, now sit back and just relax."
I have my doubts any cat, cartoon or otherwise, would willingly provide a handjob without receiving sexual satisfaction first. Call me crazy, but I doubt cats would be the most generous lovers. Also, after calling me crazy, please saw off my head and launch it into the sun so I never have to run an FFF again.
Cat once again grabbed hold of Dog's cock and began moving his hand up
and down, Dog was already rock hard so there was no need to try to get
him anymore exited. Cat listened at the happy pants coming from his
brother and prided himself that he was giving him the pleasure, even if
it was his brother.
I'll take "Things You Should Never Be Able to Derive Pride from" for $200, Alex.
Cat then got on the bed and positioned himself between Dog's open legs,
with his hands gripping the knot at the base of his cock, Cat stuck out
his tongue and gave a long slow lick on the underside of his cock.
Dog squirmed in both joy and pleasure, the feelings were new to him and
he loved every minute of it, taking notice of Dog's moans of pleasure
he decided to take it a bit further. Giving more exploratory licks over
his cock and knot, Dog reveled in the feeling of Cat's saliva running
down his cock.
Dog reveled in the feeling of hot sandpaper tearing thin layers of flesh off his penis.
Cat, having prepared Dog, decided to suck and tease the tip of his
dick, Dog grabbed the sides of Cat's head as he instinctually started
trusting his dick deeper into Cat's mouth. Cat still kept control and
soon felt and tasted the pre-cum leaking out Dog's cock.
Cat then with his other hand groped Dog's balls as he continued sucking
and jerking his brother. Dog moaned even more as Cat's tongue started
making a circular motion around his cock, Dog felt his lower regions
began to tingle, his cock began to do the same.
Cat, Cat I-I feel like...ooohhhh."
Dog couldn't finish his sentence as he finally came inside Cat's mouth,
Cat was surprised at how much cum Dog released as most of it leaked out
the side of his mouth, he swallowed as much as he could and when he
moved his head up a surprise squirt of cum sprayed Cat's face.
And then, if he's like any other cat, Cat immediately vomited in one of his owner's shoes.
"Cat, that was...was...*pant* *pant*"
Cat leaned foreword and landed a kiss on Dog, he willingly complied and
returned the kiss, their tongues juggling the cum that Cat still had in
his mouth.
I've heard of cats named Snowball, but that's ridiculous.
"That was your first time wasn't it?" Cat said with a smug smile. "I knew you had a huge load just waiting to be released."
Okay, it's official -- I will never, ever be able to have an erection within 50 yards of any domestic housepet.
Cat positioned himself on top of Dog, his own erection now fully awake and ready for action.
"Now for the real fun part." Cat said as his cock started pushing
against Dog's orifice, but then much to Cat's dismay Dog began to
protest.
"Hey what are you doing?"
"What do you think, I helped you, now it's my turn."
"Oh no, no no no, I know that your wee-wee has tiny hooks that hurt."
Dog said backing away from the emanate source of pain, Cat merely put
his hand over his face in agitation.
OH, FUCK YOU, ORNERYTEXAN. FUCK YOU IN YOUR STUPID FUCKING BRAIN FOR MAKING THE GENITALIA OF THESE CARTOON ANIMALS REALISTICALLY CORRECT MERE SECONDS AFTER YOU HAD A CAT GIVE A DOG A BLOWDOG WHILE USING HIS HAND -- NOT HIS PAW -- TO MASSAGE HIS BALLS. FUCK YOU TO HELL. YOU ARE THE WORST AND I HATE YOU.
"First of all their barbs, not hooks, second it's not like your's is
any less painful, you got a swollen knot the size of a tennis ball." Cat
said pointing to the large mass of flesh at the base of Dog's cock.
"Thank you." Dog said mistaking the statement for a complement, then
Dog in a flash switched with Cat, putting him on top and him on bottom.
"Besides, I wanna do this part."
"What, Why? You already came."
"I know, but it felt so good I wanted to do it again, please."
Dog gave Cat the sad puppy eyes, and in moments Cat gave in.
"Ok fine, on one condition...I stay on top."
1) CAT IN CATDOG IS A SELFISH BASTARD. 2) CATS IN REAL LIFE ARE SELFISH BASTARDS. NEITHER THE FICTIONAL CARTOON CHARACTER NOR A REAL MEMBER OF THE ENTIRE SPECIES YOU'RE WRITING ABOUT WOULD ACT IN THIS MANNER. YOU HAVE FAILED BEYOND WORDS, BEYOND THOUGHT, BEYOND HOPE. IF THERE IS A GOD, AND READING THIS STORY I CAN'T IMAGINE THAT THERE IS, HE MUST BE SHUDDERING IN AWE AND FEAR AND LEVEL OF FAIL YOU HAVE JUST REACHED.
Cat then quickly walked out the door, swaying his figure in a seductive manner.
Every once in a while I wonder if I'm being too hard on these erotic fan fic authors, and then I read a sentence like this, and I realize I wish I could legally beat them to death with a sack of nails.
"Where you going Cat?"
"I'll just be a minute Dog." Cat looked back and gave one of his famous smiles.
Dog watched as he admired his slender feline body and began what it was
Cat was getting, maybe a treat, or maybe one of those toys for sex he
heard about. Cat walked back to the bedroom holding a short canister.
Please let it be sarin gas.
"What's that you got there Cat?"
"It's lubricant, it will help...make it easier shall we say."
Dammit.
Cat walked over and with a glop of lubricant in his palm, he began
rubbing the cool smooth jelly substance on Dog's member, prepping him
for the real fun soon to come.
Cat positioned himself on top of Dog, and Dog who was gripping onto Cat's haunches began to force himself inside Cat.
"Augh, hey not so fast Dog."
"Ops, sorry Cat." Dog said with an embarrassed smile.
Well, even though we have to read about cartoon animals committing incest, at least we have this scintillating conversation to keep us entertained.
Taking it more slowly, Cat lowered himself onto his brother, his face
clenching from the brief uncomfortable feeling but knew it would pass.
Dog continued to hold on to Cat's thighs as he slowly began pumping.
Cat's gruff moans only encouraged Dog to start picking up speed, but
only a little bit since he didn't want to hurt his brother.
"Uh...fuck Dog." Cat said as his brother continued to fuck him.
Please note I would prefer to run the Picard Facepalm pic one million times here, but for the sake of readability and your computer's processing power, I'm only running it the once. Please just imagine I've posted it a million times, because that how fucking stupid the line "Uh...fuck Dog." is.
Dog buried his face in Cat's chest, licking his bare chest as Cat's pre-cum started dripping on his own chest.
Dog loved this, he couldn't believe how tight his brother was,
My only consolation is that, presuming OrneryTexan is in fact in Taxes, I believe it's probably legal to beat him to deal with a sack of nails there for writing this story.
it was a
feeling he didn't want to end anytime soon, but the pleasure was almost
too much for him.
He felt the urge to go faster and faster.
"Ugh, f-faster Dog." It was the response Dog was hoping to hear.
Groaning and panting with his tongue hanging loose, Dog began thrusting
his aching cock deeper into his brother, Cat soon began to love the
feeling of being fucked, Cat never admitted it but Dog's cock has huge
and there was no argument in that.
Well, in the author's defense, I guess Cat and Dog have technically combined again.
Cat now fell forward, holding himself on the bedpost as Dog groped his thighs and continued to fuck more wildly by the second.
"Oh god Dog, you really know how to make me beg for it do you."
"Say it Cat, say it."
"Ugh........Fuck me harder Dog."
You know, not that this story is arousing in the least -- not in content, and certainly not in the horrible writing -- but I defy anyone to write any story of any genuine sexual appeal when the characters are named "Cat" and "Dog."
For once Dog felt like the dominate one, taking control of his brother,
and giving him what he wanted, but only if he begged for it.
Dog suddenly gripped tighter as his trust became short and forceful.
"Ugh...oh Cat."
"Dog."
HAAAAAAAAATTTTEEEE
They both screamed as Dog came deep inside Cat, both breathing heavily
Cat lifted himself from his brother and felt the cum leak out of his
ass, and felt the emptiness without Dog's cock inside him, but now Cat
wanted his due.
Seriously. Let me read this single line to a jury, and I doubt any court would convict me or murder. Certainly not in Texas. I'd probably get a medal.
Dog began snuggling against Cat but he soon forced him down to the level of his cock.
"What's wrong Cat?"
"I gave you a blowjob, and I even let you fuck me, and I still hadn't
cum yet, now you're going to help me with that, it's only fair."
Dog nodded and grabbed hold of his brother's cock, he gave an experimental lick before fully taking it inside his mouth.
...and his tongue was immediately shredded by the barbs BECAUSE THIS IS BIOLOGICALLY REALISTIC INTERSPECIES INCEST ORAL SEX, YOU SEE
He sometimes mimicked what Cat did since he had no real idea how to do
it. To make it easier on him he imagined it was a popsicle and began
sucking on his cock a lot harder.
Cat twitched as Dog would hit certain sweet spots around his member,
Dog's long skillful tongue was working itself around his cock and he
soon felt the sensation of his orgasm building.
Cat held on to Dog's head as he was about to shoot his load.
Dog, I'm gunna-oohh." Cat said before his cum squirted into Dog's mouth and face.
Man, it's coming down like cats and dog out here.
Dog lifted his face and embraced Cat with a kiss, the same way Cat did
with him, soon they were both exhausted and snuggled close together in
their bed.
STOP SNOWBALLING EACH OTHER YOU HORRIBLE FILTHY FICTIONAL CARTOON ANIMALS
"You know Dog, we can make this a more than once a night occasion."
"Yes Cat, we sure can." Dog said before burying himself into Cat's chest and falling asleep.
"Goodnight Dog." was all he could say before throwing his arms around him and too fell asleep.
THE END. Of all that's good and holy in this universe. The end of decency, and honor, and love. Now begins the dark times, the times when we must continue to try to lead our lives, knowing that this story exists, and the author is still out there, not beaten to death with a sack of nails, and that happiness can never truly be achieved again in this world. It's the end, people.
The following goes to show that I have read waaay too much FFF.
What would have worked is if CatDog somehow found their OTHER halves. I.e. the 2 rear halves joined together, Cat's behind and hind legs and Dog's behind and hind legs, I mean.. then you have two sets of genitals and 2 anuses. Then the FanFic could have worke....
...
...
...
OHMYGODWHYAMITHINKINGABOUTTHIS
Jesus Christ.
Circumstised.
A dick from his hips reaching to his eyes.
I have come from 2 months in the future to SAY:
"Hey. Nice CS188 reference."
That be all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Cy2arZ-OsA
NOOOOOOO WHERE ARE ALL MY COMMENTS GOING
Just be thankful that your cat will even still look at you… and delete your history quick!
Your sharing the repercussions of reading this story are appreciated though, and so have been shared at the Pewlpit, as the lead to this pornographic fan fiction post.
Because I remember some others referencing things such as "anal juices".
Am I the only person who thinks this sounds like the MLP fic we ran long ago where they grow pinus?
Don't forget the bomb attached to it
(BTW, I am givemepancakes)
And who could forget "Finger Prince"?
*guitar solo*
Ok then, maybe next time.
Thanks for the heads up. I haven't been so pleasantly surprised in a long time by godawful fanfiction. And to think it isn't even Friday!
All of my love, all of my love, all of my love..... to you.
Put the exploitable for "Someone finds this erotic" on a meme generator. Advice CatDog will combine the weirdness of lolcats with the "what is this i don't even" of Advice Dog.
For some reason I pictured, well, I don't know what I pictured. I was going to say I pictured Cat as a top, but Dog can't really be a bottom either, since neither one has an anus. Oh God now I'm thinking of this. I can't stop. Iä! Iä! Ph'nglui mglw'nath Cthulhu R'lyeh wagh'nagl fhtagn.
So what if someone tried to pair Dog the Bounty Hunter and Cat Valentine I wonder if the writer could make it genuinely erotic then... FFF you've ruined me
And here I thought the home of some the most disturbed individuals was Topless Robot. With guest crazies on Friday.
I attempted to read the story a second time to fully under stand WHAT THE FUCKING ARE THOES TWO FUCKS FUCKING......FUCKING!
Then my brain turned into a sloppy, gloppy, mess that slowly is draining out of my ears. Now, if you excuse me, I have to go and kill my liver and then hit the hospital.
Yep! Point is: Nickelodeon is home to some of the most disturbed individuals EVER! XD
-Rickicker's burning skull lowers newspaper- Hm? Oh, I already did my suicide. But thanks for the offer, though! -reads newspaper again- XD
ornery texas must not have tried hard enough to have cat dog wind up the new casulties in a fan fict though we should be a little grateful Ornery texan did not manage to have cat dog be conjoined for that would have increased the pain and undder stupidity of picking cat dog for a fan fic friday
Can't be any worse then the Airbender FF's I've glanced at. *shudders* No one should do that with fire.
I will give it to you for free if you promise to do an FFF suicide.
There's an episode of RML where this guy picks berries from a bush but the bush is actually a monster and the berries were it's nutsack.
-reads-
-beats self with sack of nails-
-uses them to make spiked bat-
-beats self with spiked bat-
-nails explode-
-goes flying into Cat's asshole-
-gets split in 2 when they join together and puke me out-
-smashes through window-
-lands on landmine-
-flies into helicopter-
-is chopped into jawless skull-
-lands back down on same landmine-
-flies into Dog's mouth-
-gets shit out of Cat's mouth-
-cat pukes fireworks on me-
-fireworks explode in the shape of fireworks exploding in the shape of fireworks exploding in the shape of Goatse-
-steals Rickicker's twinkie-
-gets beat up by Rickicker-
-detonates secret bomb-
Rickicker, you take it over from here!
There is no god. And if there is one, he hates Catdog fans.
*runs in and starts jumping up and down on M. Night's still twitching corpse. * "Twist this you stupid frelling tralk."
I literary woke my cat with my laughter from that.
Then your into the whole cruelty to animal charges. But then again it does have that poetic justice ring to it.
Dear me... THAT was quite unexpected! someone ELSE kills him! *cue M. Night "What a twee-*
*shoots M. Night Shyamalan*
I hate that meme.
-Rickicker's burning skull snorts- If this is what we get for winning Texas from Mexico, then I say, dar esa tierra sin valor de regreso a Mexico, cabrone!
You think that's bad? Rocko's Modern Life had a handjob and masturbation references, and have you SEEN an episode of Spongebob Squarepants lately? Holy Hell, THAT'S what passes as kids show these days? JESUS!!
How about a bag of feral cats and a bag of rabies dogs instead?
And take all my love!! LOVE LOVE TENKYOKEN!!
-reads-
-sigh-
-sits on chair-
-cast of iCarly walks in with camera-
Sam: Hey gang!
Carly: Welcome to iCarly for a very special episode of...
Sam & Carly: Rickicker Suicide!!
-Sam, Carly and Rickcker does chicken dance-
-sits back on chair-
-Freddie ties up and gag Rickicker-
Sam: So what we're going to do today is a Rickicker suicide using the most uncommon items.
Carly: ThIngs like a kntting needle, a crowbar, a frying pan, and a penguin!
Sam: Why a penguin?
Carly: I dunno. It's on the contract.
Sam: Oh.
Carly: Anyway, no Rickicker suicide is complete without proper background music, so Freddie, take it away!
Freddie: -at camera- This is my favorite song.
-plays "Stuck in the Middle": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TScOHSAR7Ec
-Sam and Carly dances around Rickicker-
-jams knitting needles into Rickicker's eyes-
-smacks Rickicker with frying pan-
-smacks Rickicker with baseball bat-
-runs Rickicker through with a kitchen knife-
-smacks Rickicker with hammer-
-smacks Rickicker with ironing board-
-whacks Rickicker back and forth over the face with a Webster's Dictionary-
-smacks Rickicker with rubber chicken-
-smacks Rickicker with bag of nails-
-uppercuts Rickicker with an ice block-
-smacks Rickicker with penguins-
-slices Rickicker's ear with a chainsaw-
-bashes Rickicker with a laundry basket-
-smacks Rickicker with chair-
-burns Rickicker with flamethrower-
-smacks Rickicker around with a ship anchor chain-
-smacks Rickicker with a microwave over the head-
-throws a guitar amplifier over Rickicker's head-
-jams electric guitar through Rickicker's head-
-slips lit dynamite between Rickicker's teeth-
Sam: There! Perfect!
Carly: Wait a minute. If you put the dynamite in his mouth then won't we also-
-explosion in the shape of Nickelodeon logo jammed up Arnold's ass-
-Rickicker's burning skull cackles, flies up to the sky-
Man, that show sucked!
-cackles, disappears into the sky with a twinkle-
Well let's not get carried away. ;)
"standard gay incest format"
Oh FFF. We love you.
Actually Rob, OrneryTexan wouldn't be arrested, at least in West Virginia, since here you can legally have sex with an animal as long as it's under 40 lbs. If anything, I would think it should be only over 40 lbs, since then it has a fighting chance.
P.S. Feel free to correct me if that law's bs. I couldn't find a totally reputable source for that, but I've heard it all my life.
Have a spambot feel my rage.
I was thinking what if each's sexual organs were in the mouth of the other? That could involve not only extra-spectacular oral sex, but scat/urine play and the snowballing OrneryTexan seems so fond of.
Ask no questions and hear no lies
DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH MLP.
On a side note,between "cupcakes", "mare's milk" and all the other food puns in fan-fiction, I get the feeling that ff authors are trying to force me on a diet.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't there a made-for-TV movie where it showed their family was a bunch of hillbillies.
This was so boring compared to most of the FFF I have read. I kept expecting it to get more interesting.
WHAT HAS FFF DONE TO ME?!!
It's in the lower left hand corner.
good on you for ending it with that video rob. good on you.
Well. That happened. I really, really, really don't understand human sexuality. I've always known the cardinal rule: If it can be sexualized, someone has written a fanfic about it already. But I gotta say, that this person looked at CatDog and said, yeah they should be fucking...even though they have no genitalia whatsofrigginever...just really drives the point that there are truly deranged people home.
Actually, zombies, mpreg, and shovel fucking seem remarkably tame once you put it in the context of Harlan Ellison. At that point, it's just like...who cares?
Although, if anyone makes an erotic "I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream" fanfic, involving the fleshblob at the end, I may kill myself.
...Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.
Wow several hours later, reread, and got to four paragraphs. Your thoughts of vengeance are well deserved but your choice of weapon is not the best choice Rob. A bag of nails has a high chance of splitting open and the force of your blows would allow the nails to impale the bastard ending his misery. Marbles on the other hand, allow much more damage and take much more time for the frelling fool to die screaming.
Neeeee nu ga ik zeker nachtmerries hebben
But yea I totally couldn't stop hearing it in their voices
I voted for ones that were incredibly disgusting, not funny, or ruined my childhood.
I put all my votes into Chibusa's Seventh Birthday (or whatever the fuck it's called), because as someone who has children, it simultaneously disgusted and frightened me with the knowledge that the person who wrote that piece of garbage walks among us decent human beings.
For best, I'd have to say this old, old Yu-Gi-Oh! fanfic called "One Wacky Day" that I can't find anymore. It was pure unadulterated hilarity. I can't remember much of it anymore, but the scenes that stick out most in my mind is when one of Marik's henchman get drunk at the helm of his yacht and drive it straight into a seafood restaurant, and when Pegasus gets arrested for shoplifting thongs at a Victoria's Secret.
I am disappoint... CatDog as separate entities... Mixed anatomically accurate/inaccurate descriptions? AND relatively tame sexual acts?? Boring! Surprised that Thot was even used, except as a sign of disdain.
Off to kill some brain cells...
another satisfied customer!
Thank you...I think. Now if you'll both excuse me, I have some onions to chop.
Am I the only one who finds the concept of the show completely disturbing? I mean, a conjoined Cat and Dog who are polar opposites? Why is this a children's show?
I'm a guy who watched 'Courage the cowardly dog' and 'the Grim adventures of Billy and Mandy' almost obsessively. Maybe I'm just strange this way, but Catdog scared me more than those two ever did.
.I.FUCKING.HATE.YOU. ONERYTEXAN. I.FUCKING.HATE.YOU.
This was one of my childhood cartoons you jackass. I have so many fucking ung-punches a hole in the wall- GOD.FUCKING.DAMN.
You can <strike>blame</strike> <strong>thank</strong> me for helping Braxy come up with these.
For some reason, I thought that the cat part was named Dog, and the dog part was named Cat. I realize that I have not watched the show in a long time but if you take that into consideration, parts of the story makes more sense.
Also, why is the animated Toht image not used? I think seeing those melting bits that someone made for a contest would work.
My votes were based purely on the ick-factor (though this was before I did an archive binge and discovered Creating A Dry Bones...*hurk*)
Favorite FFFs are the Garfield fics, hands (paws?) down.
As for best fics overall I've read...well I've been active in reading and writing since 2000 (shows my age) but two do stand out to me:
http://www.doyourthing.org/lise/nsane/cult/index.htm Flesh Mechanic (popslash)
http://www.comicfic.net/fic/benway/xmanson0.htm X-Manson (X-Men) both unsettling not necessarily in a way that makes you want to pull a rickicker
This is what Ghostbusters warned us about when BIll Murray talked about cats and dogs living together.
They just left out the part about incest.
This actually happened to me a few weeks ago for no good reason. It certainly was one of the catchier Nicktoon theme songs.
washing veggies = oral sex
chopping onions = playing with the balls while giving oral sex or just playing with the balls in general.
And here I thought this was going to be scat porn that finally delved into the question of how CatDog was able to defecate. I'm not sure if this is better or worse.
I probably missed some critical piece of internet, but I have no fucking clue what that is supposed to mean. Enlighten me?
Also, there's something upsetting about how this is the first FFF I've read that mentioned lube. HOW DO THIS BE
"And suddenly, a window into the author's real life opens." We can only hope.
Ok, ok, i decided to read it. it was as bad as i expected. Though i suppose it could have been much worse if the author HAD kept them as 1 entity...
Hey, Braxy, this guy just figured out how sex with Cheetara would end!
Heh. "Golden" opportunity.
Or, if female, thank you for sex by growling and bashing you across the face. THEN ask for more.
At least Milo and Otis are canonically separate entities.
Yeeeeah, ditto here. I barely ever WATCHED the show and now the theme song is twisting gleefully in my ear. Hooray.
No, it wasn't that bad. THAT'S the problem.
<strong>Elder</strong> Gods, <strike>I've</strike> I haven't been <strike>reading</strike> <strong>taking notes from</strong> Braxy <strike>too much</strike> enough
I love the shared-organs idea, personally. That could make for some hilarious dialogue.
Doubly agreed. I do NOT come here to be bored.
I'm not. At least that would've been creative.
Neither, actually. This is a furry story. You can tell because the animal genitalia are accurate and nothing else is. The rest is a standard gay incest format with nothing terribly original to recommend it.
Yeah, I don't think anything else featured here can surpass ComicsNix. Any stories by him that've been on Topless Robot pretty much win by default.
Not one "Hi ho Diggity" to be found? You know, OrneryTexan, I could almost forgive the ignoring of the entire point of CatDog as a concept. As well as the brotherly inter-species bestiality incest. But to then turn around and exclude Dog's favoritephrase is a crime and a travesty! You should be ashamed!
You're right. If had been paying better attention to the Braxy it would have been a spiked warhammer sideways handle first up the urethra. My apologies DR. Abraxas
It's been two hours so I'm guessing someone did sent you a good one by now, right?
Whenever dog said something that sounded like something he would actually say, I read it in his voice.
Gods,<s>I've</s> <b>I haven't</b> been reading Braxy <s>too much</s> <b>enough</b>
May I suggest using the warhammer. Shoved up a urethra is quiet effective.....
Gods, I've been reading Braxy too much.
"
(A/N: This is a sort of AU where CatDog are separate, as much as I'd love for them to stay attached it was confusing to make it work, so I thought it was easier if they were separate, enjoy.)"
I stopped reading right there. I see little reason to continue this fic if THAT is what the author did.
1 d10 damage. Thaco of book is 2. Since you obviously rolled a one on your dex check, I gonna add two points of damage. So total damage is five Hp.
Hardback.
Gods I'm gonna hate myself for this. If you get a copy of said movie and play it on VLC it allows you to take good quality snapshots/screenshots. I have some really good ones of Babylon 5 when the physic from Talias past becomes energy.
It's quite an eye-opener when you realize you've just read a story that would be DRAMATICALLY improved by a depiction of a housepet defecating out of its own mouth.
God, Cthulu, Santa Claus...whoever the fuck: help us all!!! :P
And with that simple comment, you have proven yoursef an INFINITELY better writer of erotic fiction than this asshat could be in a milion lifetimes.
Or at least an anus or urethra...
Erotic Fan Fiction Rule #5: No orifice is too small to be fucked--no penis is too large to do the fucking.
Binder version? OR hardback? Just asking so I know to roll a d4 or a d10 for damage.
AND YOU WILL PAY!
TotalComments: 100
Nerd news, humor and self-loathing.Edited by Rob Bricken
