• Everyone has 5 votes to use on voting for "the worst" FFF to date. How you define worst is your choice.
• It has to be a fanfic that has actually been covered on Topless Robot.
• You can spend as many votes on any one entry as long as your total is not above five (i.e. 3 for "Without a Cause", 1 for "Room of Romance" and "Deleted Scene").
• You do not have to use up all your votes.
• When you've picked them, email them to firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject "FFF Poll," and whichever fic earns the most votes will be "crowned" the "champion."
I support this endeavor, as I'm curious to know exactly which FFFs hurt you the most. But! Before you vote, I highly recommend you read today's FFF, a ludicrously long and agonizingly awful story by Ignatious. I'm not saying it's the new worst, but... well, let's just say I'm pretty sure it needs to be put into consideration. Hit the jump, but remember, it's dangerous to go alone! Take this! And by "this," of course, I mean a stiff drink.
The story begins with Link exploring the bottom of the well in Karakuri town. I'm going to skip ahead a touch until he encounters a Like Like, which quickly absorbs Link's shield, sword, and is now absorbing Link himself.
The like like again swallowed him whole, and pulled him hard against the bars. He thought he heard his ribs creak, followed by a tearing sound, and suddenly the warmth of the like like all around him, the sticky slickness of its fluid coating him from head to toe. Not soaking through his tunic to get to him, but coating him directly.
Link guessed that it was going to spit him out now that it had eaten everything that he owned, everything in every pouch, every bombchu and every deku stick. Link wasn't even sure if he could go on to the other temples without the fairy bow or the longshot. Hyrule might be lost because of a single monster. Link didn't even notice when the thing released him, he just let himself hang by his arms watching the liquid drip form his nose and hair down to the floor. It took him a while to even remember to breathe again.
In fact, he forgot to breathe so long he suffocated and died. The end. Sorry to bother you.
It wasn't long before the like like extended itself again. Link watched as it reached out, not to his arms or stretching open its mouth to engulf Link's entire body. It was reaching out to his waist. Link couldn't get himself to care. Navi had been sleeping in his hat, now, she was inside that monster. She was going to die. Why should he live, if she didn't get that chance?
Because Zelda still needs rescuing, and because Navi was annoying as shit?
He could have ended it after the first attack if he hadn't been so worried his damned deku shield! If he had only, "Aaaaaaaahhhh," Link screamed as the like like started to suck on his boy sized prick.
Oh, dear. We'll just ignore the mental image of the Like Like giving young Link a blow job -- or the question of if a monster that primarily looks like a mobile vagina can really give oral sex or not -- and instead worry about the lack of punctuation in that last sentence, See, Ignatious, with the proper punctuation, we're unclear about what you mean when you say "boy sized prick." Does Link have a penis that is as large as a young child? Or is his penis appropriately sized for him being a young boy? See how important a distinction this is? Without the proper punctuation, the readers can't tell if you have a giant penis fetish or are simply a pedophile.
His scream of surprise soon turned into moans of pleasure as the suction soon pulled his waist flush with the iron grill as his penis was sucked through a slot. The warmth of like like felt amazing, it was like his dick was melting inside the monsters mouth.
Toht would disagree that sounds "amazing." he tends to take things melting rather personally.
This time instead of just sucking harder and harder, it fluctuated between sucking hard and relaxing. Shortly Link began pulling his hips back, trying to escape, and he was able to pull his little dick out an inch or two, almost the whole way. It only lasted a moment before the suction started up again, and Link's waist slammed into the iron grate with a crash that echoed through the dungeon, and his penis slid through like like's inexplicably tight hole with a pleasure that echoed through the boy's body, and jolted his brain like nothing had before. It took all of his willpower to turn a lustful scream of purest bliss into a mere moan.
What do you think is going through the like like's head right now? "Well, I got his shield and sword... huh? What's this? Is that like a tiny dagger or something? I guess I better get that too... although he's got a hell of a grip on the damn thing..."
Link continued to pull his hips back, still intent on escaping.
I have my doubts that Link is still intent on escaping.
This time he got all the way to the foreskin covered head before being sucked in. The entrance to the like like was tight enough to cause little Link's foreskin to the world for the first time in his life. It was almost more than Link could bear; having his cock buried in the like like was one thing, but to add to it having his cock head unprotected from the sheer pleasure that this monster embodied, it was almost more than he could take.
I wake up every Friday knowing there's a possibility I might have to read about Link's foreskin at some point. I thought that meant I was ready to read about Link's foreskin. Turns out I wasn't. At all.
All thoughts of escape, of items lost, of friends betrayed were soon lost. All thoughts in Links mind were focused upon his cock and the like like and, most importantly, on the pleasure that they both filled him with. His hips started to thrust without any conscious thought by Link. He only pulled his hips back when the like like released its suction, and he thrust them forward the second he felt it start back up again. In the seconds between suction and release, Link would gyrate his pelvis, and grind against the bars, trying to wring out just a little bit more pleasure in between the ecstasy of thrusting into the creature. Link's entire front side soon began to bruise form banging so hard against the cold iron, but his pleasure only seemed to intensify that much more by the contrast between the pain of his abdomen and hips, and the excruciating pleasure that radiated throughout his body from his penis.
You know, this might actually be a tiny bit erotic if you could forget that Link is basically fucking a sentient beanbag chair.
After a few more thrusts, he could no longer tell the difference between the two, and so instead of grinding his pelvis to try to get more pleasure out of his penis, he ground his bruises against the bars in the most painful way that he could. He dragged them up and down over the edges of the bar, and moaned as he shivered in delightful agony. He pinched them in the corners created by the crossing of horizontal and vertical bars, as he gasped in agonizing delight. He even began to rub his arms, still hanging through two gaps in the bars, across the iron, pressing down with all of his weight as he tried to bruise and cut his arms on the unforgiving iron. It didn't take long for the dark beginnings of bruises to start appearing, and for a warm liquid to start running down his arms from scrapes and cuts that he had given himself. He let out a loud high pitched moan of glee at the new source of enjoyment he had found.
Grumpy Old Erotic Fan Fic Writer: "Man, I remember back in my day, when we would write stories about Link fucking various Legend of Zelda monsters... and that was it! That's all we needed to furiously masturbate! Nowadays these crazy kids aren't happy with Link just getting anally raped by a Dodongo, but they have to add some weird twist to it! Like here! I mean, masochism? Why's Link need to hurt himself when he's already getting sucked off by a gelatinous tube? He doesn't! Goddamn kids. I swear, the erotic fan fic world is going to heck in a handbasket."
He soon found that his groans were insufficient to properly convey the pleasure that his monster was giving him. He needed the like like to know how much joy it was giving Link, how much he loved it. Link tried to think about how he could communicate the mind blowing pleasure that surrounded his entire body, how to get the like like to understand how Link felt about it, and his groans began to rise in pitch. Higher and higher, until it became hard to hear them as the moans of a little boy, until they started to sound almost girlish.
I thought the traditional thing to do was to leave some cash on the Like Like's dresser afterwards.
The like like seemed to appreciate Link's new found voice, for it stopped just sucking and releasing. As it was sucking him, when it had him pinned against the iron grate, its mouth started to pulsate, squirming around Link's cock, bring him to greater and greater planes of pleasure. The like like's mouth would constantly peel back Link's foreskin, stimulating his sensitive head, and then drag it back over. It was made even more pleasurable from sheer randomness of it; sometimes it never let his foreskin return to its place after being dragged off by the insertion, merely massaging the head until Link thought the pleasure would drive him insane, other times it would constantly drag his foreskin across his cock head from the second he started his in thrust until it let up its suction again.
You know how I'm starting to feel bad for? Navi. Not only has she been swallowed, not only is Link decidedly not helping her, but all she can see while she gets disgusted is Link's tiny penis bobbing in and out of her gelatinous prison. Navi was pretty goddamn annoying, but she really didn't deserve to go out like this.
Link loved it. He could let the like like pleasure his penis, while he focused on his new found erogenous zones. Since he didn't have to worry about pleasuring his boy-cock, he could use all of his grinding energies on the purpling bruises on his arms, legs, waist, and by that time, even his chest.
A small part of him knew that this was wrong.
Well, I can guess which small part it isn't.
That he shouldn't be getting gratification out of such horrendous looking blotches, that he should be doing his best to protect them, and let them heal.
Ohhhhh. I see. Link feels the masochism part is wrong. Not the getting blown by a like like part. Oh, the wacky morality of erotic fan fiction!
That small part was drowned out after the wave of bliss that followed his battered fore side slamming into the bars again, and was completely forgotten when he leaned his head over and lapped up some blood that was dripping down the metal bars from his left arm. He let out another girlish moan, and the like like sped up.
"HOLY FUCK, WHY WON'T THIS KID LET GO OF THIS GODDAMN DAGGER."
He didn't know what to do. The like like wasn't even stopping its suction anymore. It only let up enough for Link to pull his cock back before going back to full strength and pounding him back against the grate. The pain and the pleasure were too much for Link to handle; the like like had started to continually massage Link's penis, even while he was thrusting, even when only the tip of his cock was inside the like like. Link just couldn't take it anymore, he tried to shout in pleasure, but what came out was a girlish shriek.
And with that, Link's pleasure reached a tipping point. It approached heights that Link thought impossible as he felt something start to shoot out of his throbbing cock.
At this point the like like stopped releasing Link, instead it merely increased the suction higher and higher, keeping Link pinned against the iron bars. Thankfully, it kept using its muscles to milk him; squeezing from the base of his tiny penis up to the tip, and another wave starting when the first was halfway to the top.
Just when Link thought that it might stop, that his agonizing bliss might finally start to end, he felt a tube like thing extend out the lower reaches of the like like and onto his hyper-sensitized cock head. Link jerked back at first, but he was only able to move back a fraction of an inch before the almost painful suction of the like like pulled him back into the iron bars, and his cock right back to the tube. The slight movement reminded Link of the sort of bliss that the like like gave him. Surely it wouldn't hurt him after making him feel so good, right? So Link licked his lips and even pushed a little against the iron separating him from the like like's main body.
"Surely it wouldn't hurt him after making him feel so good,
right?" Guess Link's never been married! Right, guys? HYUK HYUK HYUK HYUK
The tube dragged across Link's cock head a little more, causing Link to let out more high pitched moans of pleasure. Soon, it lined up with his urethra and plunged forward, eliciting a hiss from Link.
It pushed down to the base of Link's cock, and then pulled back until it almost exited him. This was it! This was what Link could do to thank his manster!
Amazing typo or Freudian slip? You decide!
He could let it fuck him; let it feel the same gratification that he had.
Yes, he could LET IT FUCK HIM IN HIS PENIS
Link let out his girliest moan yet, trying to let the like like know how badly Link wanted it to penetrate him over and over.
Maybe Link should trying wearing some sexy lingerie next time.
The second that Link let out that moan, the like like simultaneously penetrated Link's tiny cock completely, and stopped all suction. Again, a fleeting voice returned to Link's mind, telling him that he could escape, get away from this dungeon. Link slowly pulled his cock out of the like like's hole, and immediately slammed his hips back inside, impaling the like like's dick inside his urethra.
The like like slowly drew back, freeing Link completely except for the cock in his pee hole. Link nearly cried out in loss before he remembered that it was no longer about him. He had had his fun already. Now it was about the beautiful creature on the other side of the bars.
With that in mind, Link slowly eased his arms out of the iron grate, wincing a little as he felt the pain outside of a lust daze, and lowered them down to what he now saw was more of a tentacle than anything else. He grabbed hold of it with his left hand and kept it fully inserted as he pulled his cock out of the grate, letting out a small gasp as his bruises parted with the by now warm iron. But he couldn't pay attention to his slight discomfort now; he had to fuck himself with the tentacle sticking out of his cock.
Like they say in Kakariko Village, "Don't stick your dick in a Like Like unlike you're willing to be urethrally penetrated in return."
At first he slowly moved his hips, making sure that the like like's phallus wouldn't move around with his cock. It didn't, and soon he had a nice rhythm built up. When he looked down at it, it looked almost like his foreskin was slowly eating the like like's appendage, and then regurgitating it.
FFF Band Name #3622: Vomiting Foreskin
Just writing that made me Toht again.
As he looked at it, however, he realized that only a relatively small proportion of the phallus was inside of him. He felt kind of bad for it; after all, it had taken in his entire member, while there was still a good foot of tentacle left unattended. Link decided to take some of the rest into his hands, and stroke it off while the tip, at least, was able to experience his hole.
Is it still considered a reacharound if you do it from the front? What if the recipient is also a giant tubeworm?
The tentacle began to pulse a little bit and writhe in his grasp. It looked so happy to be fucking Link. After a few minutes letting Link do all the work, the like like started the thrust. Link kept up his own movement as well, but he timed himself to the like like, to his lover. When the like like drew back, Link moved both his hips and his fists away, and when his love thrust back in, he thrust forward, squeezing his fists tight around the phallus, and occasionally letting out a soft moan. Link hadn't realized that getting fucked could feel as good as being fucked, but he definitely felt a rising pleasure, a slightly different kind of pleasure, but he could tell that could get just as intense, if not more so.
Well, what a learning experience for everybody. Also, at what point did Link fall in love with the Like Like? Man, it's going to be awkward when they're done fucking and the Like Like explains he's not looking to be in a relationship right now.
The like like was slowly building up speed, and as it did, it began to penetrate Link more deeply. It was difficult to tell at first, but as his lover grew faster, Link could distinctly feel it going deeper, passing the base of cock, and exploring depths that he hadn't know existed. The like like's cock was wriggling stronger than ever, even inside of Link's own cock. When Link looked at his penis, he could see it bending around, following his love's directions, just as it should, as he should, and every now and then he could even see it bulge slightly as the tentacle pulsed inside of him. Link's girly moans quickly became more frequent as he learned to draw more pleasure from being penetrated.
There's, nothing like a tiny tentacle-penis penetrating your urethra and then stroking your vas deferens from the inside JESUS FUCKING CHRIST DOES THIS AUTHOR EVEN HAVE A PENIS
Link's knees were soon trembling to such a degree that he wasn't sure if they would support him much longer. Link decided that he would have to release the grip his hands had on the cock so that he could support himself on the mesh iron wall. He moved the two steps back to wall and took hold of a horizontal bar, his hands separated by three vertical bars. He had tried to stay away from the wall, for fear that he might be tempted again to darken his already bruised body more in the throes of passion, so once he was holding on to the iron mesh, he made sure that none of his wounds would hit the bars and send him into a spiral of self-masochation.
I find it odd that more self-inflicted injury is where Link has suddenly decided to draw the line.
He still humped the phallus penetrating him, but he tried to keep his bruised hips away from the iron. Link's moans grew into whimpers as he remembered how gloriously painful grinding his injuries into the cold metal had felt. Only the remembrance of regretting the lasting pain only a few minutes ago was able to keep him away. His knees continued to shake, and as the pleasure of his dick being reamed continued to grow, it became apparent that his hands wouldn't be able to support himself much longer. The only suitable position that he could think of was the one that the like like had originally put him in.
Link shifted his hands and fed them through the iron grate again, letting out loud moan every time his already bruised and bloody arms scraped against the bars. It felt right to him to be back where his master had put him. Link felt a wave of pleasure assault him as it finally sank in: the like like wasn't a monster, or his lover, it was his master.
It was A GIANT TUBEWORM WITH A DIRTY MIND
Link would do anything to please it; he would have killed Navi himself if it wanted him to.
Already took care of that, Link.
Link started thrusting faster and faster. No, his master started thrusting faster and faster, Link only kept up to his master's pace.
Soon he was again thrusting himself through the bars, only with more fervor knowing that this wasn't about his pleasure, but about his masters. His master let him feel ecstasy, and Link was eternally grateful for that. After two or three thrusts, his master moved his tentacle, and Link's dick with it, forcing Link to thrust with a different angle of attack. He didn't slow down a bit, knowing that whatever his master was doing was for his benefit, and he found out what that benefit was as soon as his master's phallus bottomed out inside him. He had thrust up to the iron grate in such a way that his balls slapped against a horizontal bar. Hard.
Question: Is the Like Like cognizant that little Link here is a masochist, or is it just being an asshole?
He was drawing up breath to let out a scream to dwarf anything that he had uttered before, when he realized that his master hadn't stopped fucking his urethra. He didn't want his master to have to pleasure himself, and so, even as he screamed out in agony, he drew back his hips for another forward thrust. It took him time to push past the pain and get back to speed. Tears began to roll down his face, giving himself a few bruises was one thing, but the pain in his balls started to overpower his pleasure, not the other way around. The only thing that kept him going was the certain knowledge that this was what his master wanted, that it must give his master some pleasure.
Or his "master" was Hyrule's equivalent of Tucker Max.
With that in mind, Link's pain slowly receded; if he was making his master feel good, then he must feel good himself.
Kind of like if how you can't see someone, they obviously can't see you either.
He kept telling himself that, focusing on his master's pleasure, on the throbbing tentacle that continued to reach deeper and deeper inside of him with each thrust. The pulses along the tentacle began to grow more intense, visibly expanding his cock in a show of how good he was making his master feel. Link's screams of pain slowly faded back into sexual moans. It didn't take long for Link to start feeling glee at the thought of smashing his balls against the iron again to show his master that he loved him, and to give his master whatever pleasure he got from Link bashing his balls into the bars.
Oooh, it's the rare Toht-Facepalm combo! For those rare passes that are incredibly horrible but equally horribly stupid!
Link's master continued to thrust faster and faster, and enter Link deeper and deeper until Link thought that he must have at least a foot inside of him. Link gasped as he felt a particularly large pulse travel along his master's phallus; it bulged his little prick out to nearly twice its normal size, and Link could feel it as it stretched out his insides all the way to the end of his master's cock. The pulses continued to grow in frequency and a little bit in size as link continued to slide his master's cock in and out of his piss hole.
I swear to god if Link's penis explodes I'm going to quit, turn off my computer, walk straight to the nearest liquor store, and start drinking until I'm either arrested or shot.
Link thought that his master must be close to cumming, and pride welled deep in his heart as he thought back to how much greater the thrill of cumming was to anything else that he had ever experienced, to how much pleasure he must be giving his master in making him cum. A smile formed on Link's face. The thought of his master in such ecstasy made Link a little light headed, and he was glad that his arms were hanging through the bars, supporting almost all of his weight, because he wasn't sure that his legs could have held him up at that point.
Link was slamming into the bars faster than he thought possible, busting his nuts with every thrust.
WE GOT IT. LINK IS SMASHING HIS TESTICLES. YOU'VE MADE FACT THIS ABUNDANTLY CLEAR. Now, this whole next section is rather special, so I present it to you without interruption:
He moaned again as his master's cock started to grow, not just pulsing any more, but staying large, and it started to stiffen up as well. His master had to bend over as the tentacle lost its flexibility, and became firm. Link's insides were moved around as the once winding path that the cock had taken through him was forced into a straight line. The cock inside of Link continued to grow and grow, and just when Link thought that his boy prick might rip, it stopped. Link was stretched thin around the invading cock and he let out tiny whimper.
That seemed to trigger it to send out one final pulse slowly down. Link licked his lips in anticipation as he saw what must be his master's cum slowly moving down the cock, doubling it's already too large for a urethra size. When the bulge reached the tip of Link's penis, he drew back a little bit, waiting for it to advance another inch or two before he slammed his hips forward one last time, impaling himself on the bulge. Well, the first quarter of the bulge anyway. Link had to wait, panting, as his master slowly pushed it the rest of the way inside him, even slower now that it had Link's high strung tightness to contend with.
After the bulge was completely inside him, Link tried to start fucking himself again, but he couldn't move his hips an inch, and he had to make with reaching down with his left hand and squeezing his balls as his right held on to the bars to keep him from being pushed back by his master's cock. This went on for a while, and Link occasionally switched from abusing his balls to his bruises and back again, but eventually the bulge reached the tip of his master's cock, deep inside of Link. Link was rocking back and forth in anticipation, or at least trying to; he only really succeeded in moving his head and chest.
Link could feel his master's cock start to twitch, and then he felt a wave of heat rush out of the cock inside of him, coating the newly straightened tunnel it had made in an almost burning warmth. The cock's twitches grew harder and harder as more and more fluid shot out, eventually lifting Link off his feet in their power. When Link felt his new tunnel filled to the brim, when he was sure that the cum was going to start leaking down through his penis, Link started to cum again himself, the new sensation of being filled to the brim proving too much for him.
This orgasm started out like his first, with pure ecstasy near blinding in its intensity, but almost immediately after it started, Link felt something shoot else shoot out of his master's cock, but this time it didn't come from the tip, but from the circumference at the base of Link's dick. It felt like spikes had grown from, and shot out of the cock, piercing Link's skin and anchoring themselves there. When his master's, and to a lesser degree his own, cum reached that point it was turned back, forcing his new tunnel to expand in order to accommodate all of it. And there was a lot of cum. The building pressure grew more and more painful, until Link felt a rip inside of him, and the cum flooded into a new space. It seemed to him that it might be making something inside of him. He passed out as another orgasm blew through his body and another bulge began to make its way towards his penis.
You have just read 1,165 words about a Like Like from Legend of Zelda shooting its semen into Link through Link's urethral canal. More than a thousand words about the slow, meticulous process of Link trying get the massive bulge of the monster's seminal fluid inside -- inside -- his tiny penis. At least a full minute of your life was spent reading about the Like Like's difficulty in cumming inside Link's dick, a minute you will never, ever get back -- a minute that will remain a portion of your life until the day you die.
Link awoke some time later with a strange feeling in his gut; it felt a little bit like he was bloated, and almost like his insides were wrong somehow. His master's cock was still inside his own penis, and it still felt like there was a round razorblade imbedded into the base of his penis.
Or really, Link? Does "a round razorblade imbedded into the base of [your]
penis" feel "wrong
somehow"? You goddamned waste.
Somehow all of the cum had gotten out of him though; his insides felt weird, but it was different from the feeling of cum filling him up. His master seemed to sense his stirring, because as Link began to move, so did the like like. Link's master again lowered his top part towards Link, and again seemed to phase through the iron bars.
Link's penis was again engulfed by his master, and he soon felt a pleasant suction on his cock. His master's tentacle began to retract at the same time, tugging unpleasantly on him as the suction increased. Link was pulled tight against the bars and his master kept pulling harder and harder; the pain that Link felt was too exquisite to describe. Link then began to pull his hips back, increasing the pressure on his cock, both inside from the tentacle, and outside from the suction. Link reached over with his mouth and bit onto his shoulder, salty from sweat, to stifle the noises that were bubbling up inside of him.
The pressure kept aggrandizing until finally, with a sickening tear, Link's cock vanished into his master.
"Hooough," Link yelled as his crotch pulled back from the iron bars. It was the first manly sound that he had made for hours, and it felt somehow wrong coming out of his mouth, as if his right to manliness had been slowly disappearing since he had met his master, and now that he had lost his penis, all rights were gone.
There is not a jpg in the world that could accurately capture my hate right now.
Link decided that he was going to have to look to assess the damages. He looked down and shuddered at what he saw. He knew that his cock would be gone, but he had expected there to just be a bloody mess in its stead. In reality there was some blood, but not nearly enough and where Link had thought there might be some small holes, there were instead two holes, one small, the other larger, but still not huge. His balls were still attached; they looked funny with no cock above them.
Really, Link? You think your balls look "funny" after you've had your dick ripped off?
All right, you sick idiotic fuck. I was willing to go with Like Like giving Link a blowjob. I was was willing to go with Link also being a masochist. I wasn't willing for Link to get raped in his dick or for his dick to be ripped off, but it wasn't that beyond comprehension seeing as you're obviously a disaster. But for Link to look at the bleeding wound where his dick used to be and to think it merely looks "funny" SIR, I DOUBT THE VERISIMILITUDE OF WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT IS.
Link again took his arms out of the holes in the iron wall to reach down and touch the holes where his penis once was. Pleasure shot through him when he touched the upper, smaller hole, but when he touched the lower one, his knees instantly gave out, and he fell down into his master's waiting maw. This time Link was swallowed whole, but he didn't struggle, or even try to hold his breath; Link simply basked in the sensation of being covered in his master's slimy juices, even sticking his tongue out and sampling some. It tasted delightful.
I assume it also tasted like Link's penis, seeing as that's the last thing the Like Like swallowed.
Slowly, Link's thoughts began to slow down, and he breathed out all of his air and replaced it with the slimy liquid that was the only other occupant of his master's mouth. H felt a tingling sensation spread out from his lungs and stomach, and finally something clamping onto his groin, right over his two new holes.
Not really. That's the end of the chapter; there's a chapter 2 where Link wakes up with a vagina and is willingly raped by a Redead which is awful and stupid but still not a tenth as awful and stupid as this was. If you want to you can read it for yourself here. Meanwhile, I'll be Google-mapping my way to the nearest liquor store, because even though Link's dick didn't explode, IT WAS FUCKING CLOSE ENOUGH.