 |
I can only hope one stalwart TR reader comes forward to bring this marvelous story to life in art. I mean, doesn't the world need -- nay, deserve -- a picture of Ribbon shitting into Kirby's mouth? I think we all know the answer to that.Well, it took almost three years, but a TR reader by name of Tuuk42 finally did it. If you want to see horrible sex acts presented in an extremely adorable way, please click here (it goes without saying it's NSFW).
Second order of business: Today's FFF is a story by Harry Apprentice, an author, many, many Topless Roboteers have alerted me to. I've resisted, because most of his work is either terrifyingly long or too damn short, and most of his appropriately FFF-sized stories are sequels in his "Tron Bone" saga. I always felt like I should start from the beginning, but part 1 is like 9,000 words, and I'm not doing that. Today I decided to go ahead and bit the bullet (metaphorically) and go ahead and run part 2 anyways. I'd tell you what happened in part 1 but honestly, you don't really need to know other than it was set after Tron: Legacy. Shall we begin?
Okay, maybe I should have told you about the rape hand. Oh well.Sam was on the Space Needle which is a bar in the City of Rain and Gloom (guess its real city name for an easter egg) and he was crying into his Coors Light and his Hard Lemonade Generic Brand becus of the reason you already know.
Yes it was Quorra thoughts which made him so miserable becux Quoarra was his true love forever like the forever twins and Sam was so sad abvout his evil rapist hand that he had to cut off becuze it always raped everyone! It was the only thing that allowed the doctors to stop giving him medicine for the evil voices and let him out of the white coats mental institution.
Quorra was the lovliest flower of peace and healing for the world and even though Sam was evil they were perfect for each other because good and evil attract and if both people are good the marriage never works and than the kids get cr-pped on in a giant custody battle where you always get yelled at for doing the dishes or not doing the dishes on the wrong day or put the toilet paper roll on backwards or use the wrong scoop for the kitty litter becase you can't get it from the drawer becuase those scoops get used for straining the tofu in some houses but not others!
Maybe it's the literary critic in me, but I feel like we're peeking into the window of Harry Apprentice's life growing up here. Although living in a household where you're not allowed to do the dishes sounds pretty swell, myself.
Sam Flynn of the TRON movie was whining and bitching and imagine Quorra's n-pples and imagine Quorra pregnant and imagine Quorra in a diaper bikini, with a down below diaper and a second diaper for her boobs and these thoughts cycle 1-2-3 and 1-2-3 endless three images in his mind cycled forever and all the bartenders and customers get sick of hearing about Quorra and they leave but one brave soul remains to comfort Sam and that is Sam Witwicky of the transformers movies!
 |
Well. Let's breakdown the insanity in this one paragraph, shall we?
1) "Diaper bikini"
2) "A second diaper for her boobs"
3) The author's self-censorship of the word "nipples"
4) In addition to being multi-diapered, Quorra is also pregnant in Sam's imagination.
5) Sam Witwicky shows up, and it's the least insane thing that happens. Huh.
After hearing all of Sam's stories about Quorra Sam says, "I know but it is hard but never emo it up becuze that is bad."
"Blood Poisoning," said Sam.
"Flag on the moon," said Sam.
This was a bonding moment of manly friendship and they both grinned. They were smart dudes like hardly anyone else in there world except some of the other main characters such as Quora was smarter!
Sam said, "Well I don't know about you but Coors Light is not hardcore enough lets take the hard stuff and really go all the extreme!"
Obviously, once you start reading things like "Coors Light is not hardcore enough," you have to start wondering if maybe this is a crack fic. And I can't deny there's almost certainly an intentional amount of crackery going on. However, Harry Apprentice has written eight erotic fan fics, many of them over 10,000 words, so he has a certain commitment to the craft. Secondly, he's written a fan fic for Project A-ko, an old (and fabulous) anime movie that I have a hard time believing someone would write a crack fic about, just because it's so old and obscure. Thirdly, his longest erotic fan fic is for The Gregory Horror Show, a Japanese CG cartoon that no one in Japan even watched and yet Geneon brought to America because of their insane overlords, and I refuse to believe anyone would bother to write anything ever about Gregory Horror Show who wasn't a lunatic.
Sam said, "I want to yaoi with you."
"Wait. Which Sam are you?" asked Sam.
"I have no fucking clue," replied Sam.
Images of yaoi filled both their heads with hot man-on-man sweaty porking! Oiled and muscles and man-j-zz!
Sam says, "They all try to convince me I'm gay even though I pork the chicks constantly and even things that look like chicks but are really machines!"
 |
There is nothing about this sentence I don't adore. If anyone needs any ideas for something to cross-stitch for me... just sayin'.
Sam said, "Me too and all I did was a few guys in the bed hopping routine but Quorra is my true love and just a few hand jobs and than they try to say what same s-x I can allowed to pork and never let me love as my sweet heart demands!"
Sam drinks his Coors Light and eats those pretzels with the cheese inside them and says, "I am confuse about my sexual orientatoin!"
|
Or this. Either one.
Now Sam loved Quorra so he was not gay at all but his experiences make him wonder about things. He always have s-x with the dudes who ask him just to be polite and than he cries in his pillow at night and dreams about Quorra kicking him in the balls as hard as she can and leaving him to bleed in his underwear!
Sam isn't gay. He just has sex with men to be polite. It's like a handshake, except only one person uses a hand... for the reach-around. BECAUSE MANNERS MATTER, DAMMIT.
Although now that I think about it, if Sam 1) has sex with dudes and 2) dreams of women kicking him in the junk until bleeding, he might be slightly more gay than he realizes.
The sun was setting over the horizon and its reflection could be seen in the bar counter which the camera focused on to save money by not animating their mouths.
 |
While the camera pointed their for you to see, Sam said, "I know the real truth of this. It is an Illuminati conspiracy so we can't talk about it accept when its just us becuzse any agent of the Illuminati could go back to the Phantomhive fortress and tell them and than their demon would kill us."
WOW.
Now this isn't the real truth but just part of the truth so if you readers who can't figure out that I hafta change some things in fiction to make the good story and maybe you believe Naruto is real you stupid sh-ts than you should never write reviews but you good readers who are wise and kind like Moses you know that the fiction always has to have fictional versions of real life things like putting England and France together becuze otherwise James Bond takes too long to drive and its a boring story! Just becase its in a story doesn't mean the author thinks it is real you know I have giant robots too but you know nobody realy builds them because it is against the law!
|
My god... it's full of stars! And every single one of them is stupid!
Sam was really homophobic so he never understood this truth before and he still don't understand but his ears flutter in thinking and he say, "Tell it again, Sam."
The piano man said, "Yeah, play it again Sam or I get slimed!"
"If your name isn't Sam shut the fuck up, piano man!"
"Its so funky!"
OH GOD WE'VE GONE OFF THE RAILS
Sam said, "Now in all the schools they teach the gay conspiracy which is what homosexuals want you to think. This conspiracy tells you that you can never become homosexual, that it is born like becoming a prince or princess all high and mighty!
The best part about this paragraph is that even those horrible people who actually believe there is some kind of gay conspiracy would read this and say, "What the fuck are you talking about?"
But the truth is that everyone can become gay whenever they want! Gay should never be limited to homsexauls! It is not a birthright like the lentils, it is earned by claiming it!"
"Being gay isn't permanent, it's a state of mind! Heterosexuals should be allowed to be gay whenever they want! But you have to earn that gay-ness -- you've got to take a correspondence course in Homosexuality, at the very least!"
...
...
...
... "like the lentils"?
Thoughts were mashing in Sam's brain but he doesn't understand! It goes against all his teachings and homophobia cringes inside him!
I don't blame Sam's brain failing to process all the insanity other Sam just vomited out of his mouth. My brain is doing the same thing. Except instead of homophobia cringing inside me, my liver is cringing, because it knows what I'm about to do it.
Sam said, "I tell you one more secret Sam which is the ultimate barrier does not exist!"
"No ultimate barrier?"
"Yeah!"
"No"
"THIRD BASE"
Sam adds then, "The ultimate barrier is what gay dudes and gay chicks say will force gays to only have s-x with gays of the same gender, no matter how much they want to pork outside there gender!
So gay people don't have sex with gay people of the other gender? Because I can see how that might be a problem.
"And on the heterosexual side the gay agenda tells you that the ultimate barrier will prevent straight dudes and straight chicks from ever having gay s-x!
The gay agenda has a heterosexual side? And what do you mean by "s-x"? Six? Sox? Sax? Is there a saxophone involved in the heterosexual gay agenda?1
"But the truth is the opposite to this! There is no silver spoon of sexual orientation!
|
"The ULTIMATE BARRIER is a lie. If straight chicks want to pork other straight chicks, they can do it! If straight dudes want to pork other straight dudes, they can too! Love will conquer all genders and slowly eliminate the gay conspiracy until PORKING IS EQUAL FOR ALL AND NONE BARRIERS EXIST, not even imaginary ones!"
...
I imagine this revelation will come as quite the bombshell to gays and moral conservatives alike. My favorite part is that there's a secret cabal of homosexuals who are conspiring to keep all gay people gay. That makes me extremely happy.
You know, I don't know if the world would be a better place if there were people as vehemently opposed to heterosexuality as some people are opposed to homosexuality -- like, claiming that having babies is a sin and demanding that heterosexual marriages should be illegal and such -- but I can't deny that the world would be a more entertaining place.
The camera pans back to Sam's mouth and his entire lips fill the screen as he ate those donuts with the crab filling and said, "You say that love will take away these barriers and allow all dudes and chicks to have s-x with whoever they like to pork, but how can you prove it? My heart is rotten with government brainwashing!"
Ah, I remember the army's controversial "Don't Ask, Don't Tell, But If You Fuck a Dude You Have to Keep Fucking Dudes Forever" policy.
Sam answered, "I can use this all-spark to show you s-x that is not gay s-x and is not straight s-x. There is porking that breaks the mold so they can never mold it again! It is the fungus killing spray product in the red bottle of mold-breaking habits forever!"
I need some kind of combination head-exploding joy picture to accurately convey about how I feel about this insanity. Maybe fist-pumping Picard's head exploding? Someone bring me some options. Meanwhile, if this third type of sex turns out to be masturbation, I'm going to be very disappointed.
Sam gets his motorcycle lab right there becuse he'd jumped their earlier on top of the Space Needle. He shows Sam how you mix the allspark with estrogen and then Sam dranked it and he grows boobies but keeps his pecker!
I am no longer disappointed. Although I am confused why Harry Apprentice can write "pecker" with impunity but not "n-pples."
Sam mixes shrinking laundry agent that I won't tell you the brand name of with the all-spark and makes his whole body shrink to a tiny little man!
Please don't waste any brain cells trying to figure out what the fuck is going on here. I've already wasted mine, so I can tell you that one Sam is now a hermaphrodite and the other Sam is tiny and climbing over the other Sam. It could not matter less which Sam is which.
For hours he climbs the mountain of flesh that Sam is to his tiny self. The boobies are twin peaks of jiggly that is like Mt. Everest! They smell like milk and Sam rolls all over and over them and it makes him happy between his legs just as diaper wearing and spanking at the same time would! At last Sam reaches the peak which is Sam's n-pple of Mt. Jiggly-Peak and after strenuous effort he finds the hole in the very top!
Sam planted a tiny flag in other Sam's nipple. "I claim this tit in name of horrible fan fiction everywhere!" he bellowed.
It is the milk-hole and it looks just like a chick's front place!
Oh my god it's not over
It is warm and gooey with milk!
A vagina full of milk! Which is really a giant nipple! Well, that's quite the imagaaaAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH
Sam drinks some milk out but it replaces! Sam puts his bone in it and porks very fast. He has a reverse-orgasm in it becuze it is too powerful!
If Sam's dick implodes I swear to fuck I'm never doing FFF again
He can't squirt his baby batter into it becase the hydraulic pressure is too much! Instead mother-milk squirts into him again and again until his bladder is full of nourishing milk of frothy warmth.
So Sam's giant nipple just ejaculated milk into other Sam's penis. Oh, I can see how
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
 |
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
|
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
|
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
|
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
|
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
Sam goes to sleep and next morning he has milk for his cereal that is fresh and warm from his body.
THE END. Of Chapter one. In Chapter 2 the Decepticons attack so Sam sodomizes other Sam with a ketchup bottle, and then Sam has to wear a maipad for a while because he's leaking ketchup, but it's actually a lot less lucid than I just made it sound. You can read it here if you want. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to tear down the Ultimate Barrier between me and every scotch bottle in a two-mile radius.
More links from around the web!
