TR Contest: Videogame Valentines

By Rob Bricken in Miscellaneous, Video Games

Friday, February 10, 2012 at 5:05 pm

I'm still reeling from the nightmare that was today's 4,000-word-plus FFF, so forgive me if I keep this brief (and if I mostly copy/paste it from last year's valentines-themed contest). This weekend's contest is to think up Valentine's Day cards that videogame characters might give to other videogame characters. Pac-Man to Ms. Pac-Man. Commander Shephard to Tifa Lockhart. Samus Aran to the Saints Row guy. The Gears of Wars guys to each other. Whatever.

I figure there's two ways these entries can go: Either hilariously stupid, or incredibly inappropriate. Either is fine. I don't know how I'll judge, but I'll probably give extra points if you make up a rhyme. Beware of the dreaded Rob-invariably-skips-over-any-entries-that-are-too-long rule -- these are cards, and the text should be short.

Three entries per person. Contest ends at 12:01 am EST on Monday, February 13th, 2012. If you're lucky enough to be in a relationship, I hope you have an excellent, romantic time; if you're not, fuck those guys, and make sure you get good and drunk. But if you find yourself looking longingly at your bean bag chair, please either seek help or keep drinking until you pass out.

Tags: Contests, Love, Valentine's Day

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Mario to Peach: Mushrooms are red Koopa's are blue Please 1-up me and I'll 1-up you too. (note some koopa's are blue mmm'kay) Link to Zelda: Front of Card: Please refill my heart containers... Inside: (or I will triforce myself onto you) Cloud to Tifa / Aeris "..."
"For Worms 1 : Baaaanzaaaaï ! Worms 2" Response : "For Worms 2 : Stuuuupid ! Worms 1"
Excepte Dead or alive : it's "i love you for your BOOOOOOBS"
http://fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2012/043/0/6/old_man_gives_link_a_valentine_by_lucas_zebroski-d4pk8ro.jpg
1. Link to Zelda:No one can Triforce us apart. Together we Hyrule the world.Or 2. Link to Zelda With my container full of hearts, No one can Triforce us apart.
It was not your cherry I was after. Ms.Pac-man
I would chase fruit too, If there was a peach as nice as you. love Pac-man
Garrett to Samus Aran From the shadows I watch you sleep Though you do not wake, I think You sense my deadly presence and curl Into your protected world. While I know my hand must strike Killing you is beyond my might. How could I fall for a Hammerite?
Stop getting kidnapped. -Mario
Roses are red, violets are blue Material Defender, watch out for that bot! It's not right for you, it just wants you shot. (Valhalla Station is feeling jealous of MD's new robot girlfriend)
Captain Falcon to Samus (or any other girl in Super Smash Brothers): Show me your boobs!
Bald Bull to Glass Joe You want some wine? I made it in the terlet
I came here to lick ass and chew bubblegum...and I actually brought some bubblegum. That way we can kiss afterward. Duke Nuke Em to a stripper he previously wonded
To Gordon Freeman ",der era sesoR aelp ym reah esaelp ,niarb ym tog sbarc eth !em pleh, dog ho"
Roses are red Their stem's like a tube How can I go on Without you, cube? -Chell
CEREBRATE! I want to spawn more Overlords. … With you. … by which I mean tentacle sex. OBEY THE HIVE. (The Hive is bad at being smoove)
To Cloud: I got a ho from the East, got a ho from the West I got a ho from the North, a ho from the South A bitch who love velvet in the colors blue I fuck 'em all and leave 'em on the curve If you're havin' girl problems i feel bad for you son I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one! Happy Valentine's Day! Love Sephiroth xoxo http://i862.photobucket.com/albums/ab182/the_pr0f3550r/ff7_vday.jpg
Shepard (any gender) to Wrex: Wrex.
Wrex to Shepard (any gender): Shepard.
MGS4 codec message: "Snake, You may look old, and have only one eye. But your so much better, Than that damn Akiba guy. Love Meryl (recently divorced) Silverburgh"
Mass Effect datapad message: "Dear Ashley, Krogan are red, Asari are blue. When the Reapers arrive, I want to spend my last moments with you. Forever yours (I ain't getting another sequel), Shepard"
Kirby to anyone: Roses are red, My body's pink. To live without you's a thought I can't think A world without you would be truly hollow, So please don't forget I both Spit and I Swallow.
DIRECTIVE: <strike>plant</strike> Testing, Cake. <3 (EVE wants to upgrade)
Entry 3) Dante from Devil May Cry to Bayonetta. I don't mind hairy girls. Let's party!
Entry #2 Pyro from TF2 to Voldo from the Soul Caliber games Mphmphhhhhhhh Omphh Fmphumnmmn Ngnhhumph Pfphememg. Translation: Even if the world can't understand us. I will always understand you.
Entry # 1) Peter Pepper from Burger Time to Mama from Cooking Mama. Buns, patties, and lettuce may fall As the fryer crackles before your lunchtime call. As killer hotdogs, pickles, and eggs give chase I run on with the thought of your embrace. As I am chased in a maze of food and all things tragic please know that your love is what gives me cooking magic.
(this would be a sung card- Aperture had those decades ago, where have you been?) Lab boys said mushy poems work, but when’s the last time one of those pencil-necks got laid? Caroline, you make me wanna test Wanna test every position, ‘cause you’ll be with the very best! Invent a few things nobody’s ever seen, Prove what momentum can do, Or maybe force is more your thing- Acceleration or raw speed, I’ll give you the results you need. We may break compliance, but baby- Let’s make some science! Cave Johnson out!
Emperor: Battle for Dune
Looking for a fun time? Good luck finding another man that can suck AND blow the way I do! Call me at PNK-WNDR for a good time. Ask for the Kirbster.
To Junpei & G Kaiser, Gourai is Red, Rafaga's Blue. I love you so much I flip tables for you! Signed, Pollin & Bolon
Sephiroth to his mother (because he's a momma's boy): I love you Mother, I'll give you the planet! Solid Snake to Meryl: I think our love could bloom on a battlefield. I suck at this.
1) "You may be in another castle, but you'll always be in my heart." (Mario to Peach) 2) "Gau like big muscle man." (Gau to Sabin, also possibly the first yaoi-friendly FF game) 3) "Les join the light together!" (Good!Female!Revan and Juhani)
To Jigglypuff, you taught me harden, you taught me pound, they're super effective, let's go another round. From Pikachu.
Qbert to Snake: @!%&*# me and I'll !@&# your %*@#!
D'aww... I'd actually be all /swoon if my boyfriend gave me a card with this poem.
To Alyx Vance from Gordon Freeman Headcrabs. On valentine's day, just give me the first part.
What? DK, Wario, and Bowser are among the fastest in the games. Its their acceleration that is horrible.
Dearest George, Words cannot express my gratitude for your staying clear of my game to write movies instead. As a Tatooine-born Shakespeare would say, 'arise fair Lucas, and kill the envious twin suns, for thou art far more distracted with Jar-Jar Binks than with me.' With Deepest Love, Darth Revan
We'll punish you turkeys with our powerful spikes if you wont be ours. Al & John (Super Spike V'ball)
Dear Galaga alien invader in the bottom row on the far left, Bee my Valentine, and I won't kill you. For fifteen minutes.
That's adorableXD But I gotta ask: Aren't the main characters in Bubble Bobble brothers? (alliteration!)
1 : Mario is RED Luigi is GREEN My Super PedoBear suit is just too Obscene! 2: From Birdo To Yoshi I have a confession I am not the gender you think I am! From Yoshi to Birdo Guess what I am not the gender you think I am either! 3: From Super Mario Wii To Player I love the way you shake that wii-mote
*From Sir Arthur to Princess Prin Prin: "Hey Valentine - It doesn't take much to get me out of my armor." *From Samus Aran: "I've loved you for some time/ And I hope you don't think it's sick/ 'Cause I promise you truly/ I really don't have a dick." *"From Mario to Princess Peach: "Valentine - You make me grow when you eat my mushroom."
Dear Link, You a-really rock the green! I hope a-you don't mind a-red, though, because I'm a-getting you a Red Ring from the Death a-Mountain! I'm a-sure you'll a-rock the red, so my a-favorite Hylian will be wearing a sexy color! So come over for a-nice a-mushroom pizza at me and my brother's house... And please, don't a-tell him I said a-red was a-sexy. Love, Luigi
YES! YES! THIS IS DELICIOUS!
This was the front of my wedding invitation. The score is the date we got married. http://imgur.com/9u4jM
Soul Calibur- Siegfried to Hilde front of card: "Happy Valentine's Day. My soul still burns for you." Inside of card: "Unfortunately, my soul isn't the only thing that's still burning. You might want to see a doctor..."
1. To Companion cube ..... Love,Chell p.s.GLaDOS would like to remind you that the Companion cube feels no true love and in fact only feels bitter resentment and betrayal forever. 2. To wonderful Tetris player. I'll always be there for you.. even when I fit nowhere on the board I know I'll always fit in your heart. love, Backwards Squiggle Block 3. To Aerith Still would love to pick up from before.. you know when your friends suddenly busted in and ruined the whole mood... <3's and love, Red XIII
Dear SS Triangular Spaceship, you make me feel like you break my entire being sometimes, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Love /Asteroid
Ash, riding a train: I Pika-chu-chu-choose you!
To Gordon Freeman, From Chell ...
Blade, People call us "Bad Dudes," but the truth is: I only have it bad...for you. You make me feel good all over. Happy Valentine's Day Striker
Little Mac, I told you to keep your guard up, but I let mine down and was TKO'd...by you. My heart is dancing like a fly because your love bit me like a mosquito. I tried to join The NIntendo Fun Club, but I can't stop thinking about you. Will you stick and move with me tonight? Doc Louis
OF COURSE!
To: A Skyrim guard- You may have taken an arrow to the knee, but you sent an arrow right through my heart! To: Mario From: Princess Peach's handmaiden- She may be in another castle, but I will always be here for you. To: Ash From: Pikachu- Pika Pika Pi! Pika Pika, Pika Pika-Pika Pi? Pikachu.
My Dearest Mario I am no Lothario True, it's taboo Like loving your mother But I can't help it, I'm hot for my brother. Be My Princess Tonight and Forever, Luigi
we've smashed some tv's and been commandos red and blue we've rescued cindy from slick and some princesses too the bubbles we've popped and potions we've shared you've shot the food but i'm glad that we're paired we've climbed some ice mountains showed abobo kung-fu through all this i love you my sweet player two
Kitana to Liu Kang: You've performed a bicycle kick to my heart. And a low fireball to my vagina. Mario to Peach: I will run from castle to-a castle to be with-a you! Navi: Hey listen! Hey! Hey listen! You're cute!
from the gni'kiv medallion to the shaft of tsol: "You complete me"
I'm not sure if it's worth positive or negative points, but there is a sorta related (NSFW) photoshop I made 4 years ago to accompany this post: http://pics.livejournal.com/thorshammer/pic/0003a162
garcia to paula from shadows of the damned: "i got the weirdest bone gun right now"
Chief, Let's knock boots... go pauldron to pauldron. There's just one catch... we leave our helmets on. Samus
Sylvia: I would kill 11 deadly killers With my trusty beam Katana For only the slightest chance That I might get up on ya. Travis
I was equally surprised that no one else entered this (or something similar) before I did. I went through quite a few spins on the phrase and "humorous" follow-up lines ("Let's get TOASTY together!" :P) before realizing simplicity was the best way to go ;)
Yoshi to Mario, you are my best friend see you this fall this one would also work between Agro and Wander
Awwwwww! It's missing half of it's head!
Don't Break Up The Team! Geez... I haven't played Beyond Good & Evil in six years and I still remember that.
Professor Layton to Claire: <i>Your heart is the puzzle a true gentleman leaves unsolved. (...Well, that and the chess ones. Those are just bloody difficult.)</i>
To Albert Wesker, Here's that Jill Valentine you wanted
It's pitch black here. There is no grue. You're still likely to get eaten. As I love you.
From Yoshi to Princess Peach(based on FFF) My tongue's used to swallow A shell that is blue, Want to see what else My tongue can do? Be my valentine. Love Yoshi
This is exactly what I was going write damn it!
Dear Max, Do some squats and gargle, because your cute little boy body is going too need to take my tongue and dick. - Atom (it's a game) Dear Wizard, you need my cock badly - warrior Coins, Rings? as long as you are in my life, who cares, Sonic? - Mario
There was a PC game back in the day; it even involved scrambling fighter jets, bombers and submarine groups. It was pretty awesome but hard.
-To Bubble Bubble and Bobble The points will be Double Give me some time with you Bubble and Bobble Toil and Trouble The things I'd do to you -From Bobble
"Roses are grey, Violets are a muddy yellow (but are presumably supposed to be blue), Here is a gift which can be vaguely discerned as a box of chocolates, I long for a wider colour spectrum and improved resolution so I can accurately convey my feelings for you" - Ode to the original Game Boy
Sonya, My head's not gonna polish itself -Kano. (when she opens the card the musical chip plays the "FINISH HIM" sound file)
To Jill, You are the master of unlocking my heart, Love Chris
I was drunk! I didn't know what I was doing! I may have come on too strong -Custer
Blue Valkyrie is about to die. Blue Valkyrie needs you badly.
Joker to Batman "I got a boner for you"
Pika CH- U love!
To Simon Belmont You break into castle,kill my minions You give me lashings by the millions So why do I get a pulse when I think of you? Next time you come to my chambers, leave your crucifix and bring your whip, I'll be your S&M gimp -Dracula
To Leon: Blood is Red/ S.T.A.R.S wear blue Like a Licker/ I want to go down on you So don't be stranger/and come around the White House some time I'd love it if you worked some over time XOXOXO -Ashley
These are NOT MINE and NOT AN ENTRY. Just want to point them out: http://noprips.deviantart.com/art/Paramour-Achievement-282792212?q=gallery%3Anoprips&qo=1 http://noprips.deviantart.com/art/Paramour-Achievement-2-283306433?q=gallery%3Anoprips&qo=0
Samus to Zelda. I hear you like to dress up as a man. Come find me later and we can show the bros how to really bash.
From Cole to Trish. My love for you is truly shocking, sorry my future self killed you
Batman Arkham City: "My dearest Bats, Roses are red and Violets are blue, much like our diseased blood and the Boy Blunders crowbar beaten corpse too! HAHAHAHA! *cough *cough..." "Love now and until your innevitable demise, The Joker"
Falco gives Flippy a card with a picture of a Frogger death screen, with this poem below: "You suck so bad at flying, you always get your ass kicked, so do us all a favor, and walk straight into traffic."
Luigi gives Princess Daisy a Valentine's Day card with a picture of a Goomba on the front. A short poem below reads; "Oh Beautiful Daisy, I love you more than Goomba stompin', but if you don't stop screwin' my brother behind my back, I'ma gonna give you a thumpin'. Stop cheatin' on me with my brother, you dirty whore!!!"
"Link, there's a 95% probability that I have stabbed your heart. I have received a message from the goddess confirming that this is a romantic statement." - Fi
To: Slippy From: Falco The rest of the team can never know of our love. It is a secret we must always protect. Just know that when I make fun of you, or refuse to help you in our sky battles, it is only to hide how I long to be held in your sweet, froggy embrace for all time. All my love, Falco Lombardi P.S. I gave you herpes last night.
To: Natalya From: James No matter how many times you step in front of my assault rifle, I'll never shoot you. Your skillful manipulation of the keyboard is nothing compared to how you've manipulated my heart. Forever yours, JB P.S. I gave you herpes last night.
From Samus Aran to Captain Falcon: Roses are red, Metroids are green, The things that I'll do to you will be obscene.
To April, Looks like you'll be on your own this year. We can't get past the fucking dam. Love the Turtles.
A Valentine, from Grandpa Simpson, You are my heart and soul. Speaking of which, I needed a new sole for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on ‘em. ‘Give me five bees for a quarter,’ you’d say. Now where were we? Oh yeah: the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones. Love, Abe Simpson
Mega Man to Splash Woman: HOLY MECHANIZED JESUS you're a girl robot who's not my sister. Please be my robot valentine, I am seriously begging you.
Prince of Persia to Farah. Time stops when we are together. Sand monster we can weather. But if you can't remember me. Its looks like love will never be.
(and I couldn't think of anything else :'D)
Roses are red, violets are blue. The meaning of my life's not just 42. <3 (SHUT UP THERE WAS A HITCHHIKERS TEXT ADVENTURE GAME OKAY)

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