More Like John Carter of Ass-Kicking

The final John Carter trailer is upon us, and it looks like Disney’s marketing people are trying to fix their mistakes. No, not by highlighting the original source material or making the film look like a magical sci-fi fantasy adventure from the director of Wall-E. No, now they’re making the film look like a block of solid action, which is almost certainly inaccurate, but at least it makes the film look somewhat more interesting than all the other promos did. Let’s see if I can sum up this little marketing adventure with our pals the Hollywood executives:

Hollywood Exec #1: All right, word is we’re doing a John Carter movie.
Hollywood Exec #2: Who?
Hollywood Exec #1: John Carter. Of Mars. Those old books by Edward Ripe Burrows or somebody.
Hollywood Exec #2: Oof. That’s gonna be a tough sell.
Hollywood Exec #1: You’re telling me! The director thinks he’s calling it A Princess of Mars! After the book!
Hollywood Exec #2: Ha ha! Books?! What a rube. No one reads books unless Robert Pattinson sparkles in ’em.
Hollywood Exec #1: True that.
Hollywood Exec #2: Well, tell him he can forget it. It’s an action movie. You can’t have an action movie with “Princess” in the title.
Hollywood Exec #1: Boys won’t see it.
Hollywood Exec #2: If boys won’t see it no one sees it.
Hollywood Exec #1: Indeed. Cocaine time?
Hollywood Exec #2: Cocaine time!

Later
Hollywood Exec #1: Director came back. Wants to call it John Carter of Mars.
Hollywood Exec #2: Are you kidding?!
Hollywood Exec #1: I know!
Hollywood Exec #2: Does the bastard not know Mars Needs Moms just flopped?
Hollywood Exec #1: A movie with “Mars” in the title!
Hollywood Exec #2: That was the problem!
Hollywood Exec #1: There was nothing wrong with that film except “Mars” was in the title!
Hollywood Exec #2: People hate Mars!
Hollywood Exec #1: There could be no other conclusion!
Hollywood Exec #2: Tell him it’s John Carter and then let’s do some cocaine.
Hollywood Exec #1: Done and done.

Later
Hollywood Exec #1: So we’ve been doing some audience testing for John Carter…
Hollywood Exec #2: …and?
Hollywood Exec #1: …and there’s a problem.
Hollywood Exec #2: Which is?
Hollywood Exec #1: No one gives a shit.
Hollywood Exec #2: Huh.
Hollywood Exec #1: Yep, they don’t know who or what John Carter is, and they say the movie looks lame based on the trailers.
Hollywood Exec #2: But we used the footage that makes it look like Attack of the Clones! Isn’t that what the movie’s about? Being like a decade-old Star Wars movie?
Hollywood Exec #1: As far as I know.
Hollywood Exec #2: Dammit. It’s almost as if the market testing we did left us with a title that conveyed nothing what the movie was about, and we’ve been so scared about it flopping that we’ve been trying to make the film look unoriginal as possible in hopes of merely tricking people into seeing it, instead of helping them understand was a classic, amazing property this is!
Hollywood Exec #1: …
Hollywood Exec #2: Well, fuck it. Just make a trailer with all the action scenes mushed-up together. Somebody’ll go see that.
Hollywood Exec #1: Sure you don’t want to maybe try to do a little of what you just said?
Hollywood Exec #2: What? Fuck that. It comes out in a week anyways.
Hollywood Exec #1: …
Hollywood Exec #2: Shall we do a kilo of cocaine to celebrate?
Hollywood Exec #1: You know, I don’t actually feel like I earned it.
Hollywood Exec #2: Oh.
Hollywood Exec #1: …
Hollywood Exec #2: …
Hollywood Exec #1: Maybe like half a kilo.
Hollywood Exec #2: That’s the spirit!