Fan Fiction Friday: Progressive Flo in “A New Type of Community Service”

There are three types of depravity to be found in FFF: depravity in terms of sexual content, depravity in terms of grammar and writing, and then depravity in terms of sanity. Obviously, the depravity in terms of sexual content are the ones that tend to be the most soul-scarring, and I know it’s what a lot of you prefer. However, I run too many FFFs — I’ve been doing it for four years now — to limit myself to them, partially for Topless Robot variety, and partially for my sanity. So I’ll always provide a mix of all three, and if you think certain stories are lame, please feel free to shut the fuck up about it.

Today’s story is the third of the depravities (although the other two will be featured in the next two weeks) as it is written by erotic fan fiction superstar/lunatic Andrew Troy Keller. ATK has written literally hundreds of stories, including just about every lame sitcom ever made, and they are all totally batshit insane. As you can tell, this particular story is about Progressive insurance spokes-mascot-lady Flo, who almost certainly not being paid enough to compensate her for the indignities of starring in erotic fan fic. Savings begin after the jump!

You know,I happen to be working at a
Giant Eagle supermarket for quite a long while.And let me tell you right
now that even though something else had caused me to start sleeping
with an oxygen mask on my face,I would still honestly say that if you
would allow yourself to work at that type of place by yourself,the
combination of making sure that all of the shelves are fully stocked and
your customers are still happy with shopping at your store would cause
you to fall asleep unexpectedly and have some embarressing dreams.

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING. I thought this story was about Progressive Flo. Why the fuck are we starting in a Giant Eagle supermarket chain? And what the fuck does any of this have to do with sleeping with an oxygen mask on?

And
if there are some of you folks who are still in need of an example,it
really is a good thing that I happen to be writing the story that you’re
reading right now.Okay,let’s see.Oh,yeah.Our little story begins at a
supermarket-type-of-place known as the Progressive Insurance superstore
in which we would all be able to purchase the right insurance policy for
our car,boat,RV,motorcycle,whatever and recieve a few terrific extras
at no additional cost.

I… did Progressive actually sponsor this erotic fan fic? Is Andrew Troy Keller getting a cut here? Or is he really that delighted with his Progressive insurance policy, and figured he’d slip in a few good words for the company while writing a story about their corporate mascot getting plowed?

And even though there are some other
people working at that place as well,the one employee of the Progressive
Insurance superstore who also happens to be the main character of this
little story of mine is a beautiful maiden with dark-brown hair who goes
by the name of ‘Flo’.And yes,it really is true that Flo does have quite
a successful career with making sure that the customers are truly happy
and selling the perfect coverage policy each of those customers.

Except it’s not true at all, because Flo is a fictional character, and this is an alternate-universe story about a fictional character. But other than that, totally true. Also, did he really just call Progressive Flo a “beautiful maiden”?

But
if I’m not mistaken,if you keep on doing that very same stuff without
one single break,the same thing would happen to you just like it had
happened to Flo.You see,it was while she was in the process of ringing
up the grand total cost for the policy that a young and handsome male
stud whose name happens to be Scott Loring for the coverage on his
Harley-Davidson Nightster motorcycle that she had suddenly closed her
eyes and let out one big yawn.

HOT INSURANCE POLICY ACTION. Also, Harley-Davidson really makes a motorcycle called a “Nightster”? Who named it, Skeletor?

And after she had done that,Flo
had looked and noticed–much to her embarressment–that this one male
stud in the Harley-Davidson bar and shield logo denim jacket was still
standing right in front of her and waiting for the grand total of his
purchase which had caused poor Flo to clear her throat and say,”I really
am sorry about that,Sir.It’s just that things could get a little hectic
around here sometimes and if we don’t get a break…!”

“Plus, the last commercial I did was with Sonic, and it turns out he’s not housetrained or anything, so I was up late last night cleaning hedgehog piss out of the aisles. No wonder Sega tanked, right?”

But just
as she was about to say another word,an understanding Scott had raised
his hand in front of her,let out a small chuckle and say,”It’s
okay,Flo.I get the picture.You’re just like some of the other working
stiffs in the world today.You’re doing a community service.And instead
of complaining about it,we should understand that little bit of logic
and keep on doing your job.So,what’s the grand total?”

…

…

What? What the fuck does any of that even mean? Flo is working. She is getting paid for her work. She is in no way, shape or form performing community service. So it’s impossible to “understand that little bit of logic” because instead it’s a “little bit of a bizarrely inaccurate claim.”

And after
she had let out a sigh of relief and told Scott what the grand total of
his purchase was,Flo had bagged everything up for Scott just in time for
the handsome stud with dark-brown hair to pay for his purchase,say
‘goodbye’ to Flo and leave the store with the coverage policy that he
had bought for his bike before she had realized that she was long
overdue for a break.

OH MY GOD DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT BUYING INSURANCE DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY. INSURANCE DOES NOT COME IN A BOX. I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU’RE WRITING EROTIC FAN FICTION BASED ON A FUCKING INSURANCE COMMERCIAL BUT TAKING THE BIZARRE “INSURANCE STORE” CONCEIT OF THE COMMERCIALS SERIOUSLY IS TOO FUCKING INSANE FOR ME TO BEAR.

And so,after she had gotten one of her
fellow employees to take over for her,Flo had gone into the break
room,sat herself down on a chair,placed her head on a table and fell
asleep,only to have the sound of a motorcycle reving itself up cause Flo
to wake up from her nap,get up from her seat and walk over to the break
room door in order to see what was going on.

No one will be seated during the riveting “Flo takes a brief nap” scene!

But as soon as she
had opened that door and discovered that a totally-different room has
appeared right in front of her,a confused Flo had stepped out of the
break room,looked around the newly-transformed area and thought to
herself,*What the fucking hell is going on around here?*,just before she
had walked herself over to the center of the room and discovered that a
Harley-Davidson Nightster motorcycle has somehow been placed at that
exact spot.

I thought I’d mention that while I know some guys who find Progressive Flo hot and some guys don’t, I’ve yet to meet a dude who doesn’t think shed be absolutely terrific at sex.

And just as she was about to try to make sense of the
whole thing,someone had walked himself up to an unsuspecting Flo and
placed his gentle hand on her shoulder which–in turn–had caused a
shocked Flo to quickly turn herself around and see that the one customer
that she had seen before–Scott Loring–was standing right in front of
her.

WAIT ONE FUCKING SECOND. Isn’t this — isn’t this story being told by some kind of supermarket employee? What the fuck? Why begin with a narrator who has nothing to do with the action at all? Was the grocery store clerk in one of the Progressive store aisles watching this go down? Or is Andrew Troy Keller writing an erotic fan fic about a grocery store clerk who is writing an erotic fan fic about Flo? Is this the world’s most meta FFF? Or is the author just completely insane?

But after she had let out a sigh of relief,a curious Flo was
about to ask Scott about what was going on in that place,only to have
him take off his denim jacket,place it on the motorcycle and
say,”Hi,Flo.I hope you don’t mind me coming back here.You see,I do
believe that now is a very good time for you to perform a new type of
community service.Don’t you agree?”

“No, because I’m a goddamn Progressive employee. This is my job. I can show you my pay stubs. Stop saying ‘community service,’ you dimwit.”

And just as she was about to
say anything in objection to that idea,Scott had removed his
Harley-Davidson eagle pride tee and allowed Flo to see how
wonderfully-built his bare chest was.And of course,that had caused a
wide-eyed Flo to place her gentle hands on Scott’s chest,look at him
straight into his brown eyes for a minute or two and kiss him ever so
deep and passionately on the lips before Scott had stripped off his
relaxed fit boot cut jeans and removed his Condor boots in order to show
Flo the real total package.

If Flo insures Scott’s dick I’m leaving.

And after he had started stroking
his stiff cock right in front of her,Flo had taken all of her clothes
off and started pumping two of her fingers in and out of her hot,wet
pussy and carressing her own tits with the other hand before Scott had
started licking all over Flo’s bare-ass naked body and down to her hot
and steamy cunt and carressing her firm breasts which had caused Flo to
place her hands on his bare shoulders,slowly lick her lips and
say,”Aaaahhhh,yeeeessss!Do it,Scott!Do it to me now!I’m the slut you’ve
been looking for!Lick my cunt and let me drink your
cum!Oooorrrrgggghhhh!”

“Oooorrrrgggghhhh!”

And this I why I love Andrew Troy Keller stories — the sexual sound effects. I’m trying to think what creature would possibly make an “Oooorrrrgggghhhh!” noise during sex, and all I can imagine is possibly apes. No… maybe some kind of mythical creatures, like orcs or something? At any rate, your homework is to make this sound during your next sexual encounter, and then try to see if you can continue having sex with that person.

Then,after they had laid themselves down
on the floor,Scott had turned himself around and allowed Flo to start
sucking on his stone hard dick before she had taken it out of her mouth
and said,”Yeeeeaaaahhhh!That’s it,Scott!Place your balls against my
lips!I’ll lick your dick!I want it now!Hmmmmpppphhhh!”,before she had
put his bone back inside her mouth and started sucking on it some more.

“Hmmmmpppphhhh!”

And
then,after Scott had placed his hands on Flo’s stiff mounds and started
blowing his hot breath on the nape of her bare neck and humping his
hard cock in and out of her asshole,a sexually-energized Flo had placed
her hands on his bare back —

I am interrupting this ridiculous run-on sentence to warn you not to try and imagine the physical position these two people must be in because your head will fucking explode. Also, try not to think of “Flo’s stiff mounds,” whatever the fuck they are.

— and yelled at the top of her
lungs,”OOOOHHHH,YEEEEAAAAHHHH!DO IT,SCOTT!BURY YOUR BONE DEEP IN MY HOT
BOX!SHOVE IT ALL THE WAY UP MY ASS!FUCK ME FROM BEHIND!SHOOT YOUR LOAD
IN ME!AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!”,

“GIANT EAGLLE PRRRIIIIIIDDDEEE ARRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

before they had started moving themselves
harder and faster and kept on doing that until they had both finally
came,collapsed due to exhaustion and fallen asleep with their naked arms
in a lover’s embrace.

But of course,that was before someone else
had walked into the room and placed her gentle hand on Flo’s bare
shoulder which had caused her to wake up from that little sex-dream of
hers and discover that she was still in the break room and her clothes
were still on.As for the one stranger who had woken her up,it was her
best friend and fellow employee Pam who had done that because Flo’s
break was over and she was needed back at her work station.

OH MY FUCKING GOD WHY IS A GROCERY STORE CLERK TELLING US ABOUT A SEX DREAM PROGRESSIVE FLO HAD WWWHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYY

And
after she had placed her hand on her chest,let out a sigh of relief and
thanked Pam for that little reminder,Flo had opened her locker in order
to take a quick look at her reflection in her small mirror and make sure
that her make-up was not smudged,only to have her discover that a
Harley-Davidson men’s eagle pride tee had somehow been placed inside
that locker which–in turn–had caused Flo to close her locker,swipe her
hands and say to herself,”Sorry!No way!Nah-hah!I am not going to ask!”

THE END

DUN-DUN-DUNNNNNNHHH!!!!
“And I, the unnamed supermarket employee who is narrating this story to you, and who wears an oxygen mask to sleep for reasons I shall not divulge, will never tell! Was it only a dream? Did Progressive Flo really have public sex with a Harley-Davidson fanboy on the floor of a fake store with none of the other employees or customers noticing, and then steal the dude’s awful shirt? Was it maaaaaaaggggggiiccc? Or am I just a spectacularly shitty storyteller? NO MAN CAN SAY! Tune in next week for more ‘Random People with Menial Jobs Telling Crappy Erotic Stories about Characters from Commercials!'”