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As my brother was lying in his casket, I reached out and touched his cold dead head and performed the "Son'chi" ceremony,minus the painstik and declaration "qab jiH ngIL" 'face me if you dare' I was in enough pain from his death,so that part of the ritual was forgone.

11 year old me stopped the funeral procession at my grandfather's funeral to say the prayer of the Solamnic Knights from the Dragonlance books. I spent the week memorizing it and didn't realize how long it was going to take, or how weird it was going to look, me standing in front of the coffin in my ill-fitting black suit repeating the words that really meant something to me, but were complete nonsense to everyone else in attendance. 

I still remember the words twenty years later. "Return this man to Huma's breast/beyond the wild impartial skies/grant to him a warrior's rest/and set the last spark of his eyes/free from the smothering clouds of war/upon the torches of the stars/let the last surge of his breath/take refuge in the cradling air/above the dreams of ravens where/only the hawk still remembers death/then let his shade to Huma rise/beyond the wild impartial skies."It took you about a minute to read it, and it took me even longer to say it in front of a full church during a Catholic mass. When I said "let his shade to Huma rise" the priest gave me a REALLY weird look and my dad grabbed my arm to pull me back to my seat.  A few years later, when my grandmother died, my dad pulled me aside before the funeral and said, "let's try not to hold up the procession this time around, shall we?"  I didn't.

So about three years ago I was dating this girl and one night we were "getting friendly" and blah blah blah, the condom broke. The next day I had to go out and buy Plan B (if you don't know, Google it) and when my lady friend went to take the pill I said "Execute order 66". Luckily she didn't understand.

Edit: I just realized I missed the deadline. Nothing beats Skrag2112's store anyway.

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My friends and I were talking, and I mentioned an article from toplessrobot.

Then we stopped talking.

During sex, just before climax: 

"...For Frodo!" 

Though I'm late I figure it was funny enough to share.  After fooling around with my girlfriend on the couch for a bit, we had found ourselves without clothes.  The couch was a bit small so I suggested we move.  She then asked where we were going without clothes on.  I replied, "Where we're going, we don't need clothes."  I'd hope Doc Brown woulda been proud.

I was working as a waitress in a shitty sports bar and it had been a particularly slow night. At one point near closing time a white guy, a black guy and an asian guy came in and seated themselves at the bar. For anyone else this is the set up for a really racist joke, but instead I walked up with a big stupid grin and asked, "What business to a man, an elf, and a dwarf have in the Riddermark?" The comment was received with blank stares. I still laughed like a hobbit on some strong Old Toby.

The deadline is already past but please forgive me, since it is a month today since my father's passing and my story is about him.  Eight weeks ago my Dad suddenly fell ill and lost the ability to speak.  He was taken to hospital where we found that he had tumors in his brain and through out his body.  One was actively bleeding and the surgeon hoped that by removing the tumor he might buy some time and quality of life back.  My family waited with much anxiety through the surgery and when he made it through, we were elated.  I said to my brother "And what do we say to death?"  To which he smiled and said "Not today."  We repeated this phrase to each other in the days that Dad was in intensive care.  I gradually stopped saying it to myself as time went on and we fully realized what cancer takes from its victims before the end. I learned that there is no shame in saying yes to death. And that some people are so full of life that death must come for them in chunks.  

Back in high school, I started getting heavily into British comedy and had an obsession with AbFab. I went around saying "squish squish, darling" and some of their other catch-phrases. That ended pretty abruptly one day when a friend of mine happened to be in the girls' locker room talking to me and I thought it appropriate to do the air kisses they often use on that show. He reared back and said, "Did you just try to kiss me?!?". Whatever explanation you can come up with at that point is moot. 

Back home in Ireland when I was a kid, I had to go to church every Sunday to read to the congregation. (got roped into it as I have a good speaking voice). Anyway, while I was standing waiting to do the reading, the minister finished a prayer with "thanks be to god". Not really thinking or paying attention, I said "there is no god, there is only Zuul". The microphone picked it up so everyone heard it. There were a lot of mortified old grandmothers just staring at me.

Thankfully the Minister laughed and said "I also liked that Ghostbusters film" and laughed. I was pretty embarrassed.

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Just after my son was delivered, I looked at him (all covered in goop) and said: "Now you're thinking with portals..."

I once told a sunday school teacher that The Doctor helped Jesus leave the tomb on the third day using the TARDIS. I got over spanked for that one. Not that the following is all that inappropriate, but my three year old made the logical mental connection between the TARDIS' capabilities and Santa delivering all those presents in one night. So proud of him.

 It's to late to win (and after reading these I know I don't have a chance) but at one point I was about to make a call on the PA to call someone to the warehouse, seconds before I hit the button, someone near the loading bay commented on a shipment that just came in "Well looky what we got here", and in my geekiness i said allowed "Where all the white women at!?" because Blazing Saddles quotes are always appropriate...as long as you're not talking in the activated PA.

Which was followed by a 'ohshit-click'.

Thankfully no one outside of our area recognized my voice.

A few of my friends were really interested in 9/11 conspiracies in high school. I had to listen to them talk about them all the time. In the middle of class one day, they mentioned something about how the planes that crashed into the towers were being controlled by the American government (Or some stupid crap like that) and I joked "Of course, those blasts were too accurate for sand people". Apparently, everyone in the class heard it and I was labeled a racist.

Mine is a bit shameful. In a previous company I had to let someone go at my company (layoff), and I'm in with the HR people and the very unhappy individual getting let go. It's uncomfortable, like any firing tends to be.

Very quickly though I got into an awkward state where I ran out of things to say, but the guy kept looking at me with these large, glassy eyes. HR wasn't helping either, numbly running through the checklist. Finally HR gets to the point where they tell the person that they wouldn't be getting any severance or be paid out for unused vacation, and the guy chokes up.

Struggling with something to say, I fortunately had Hitchhiker's Guide to fall back on. Specifically Marvin. In a deadpan voice, I say:

“Funny how just when you think life can’t possibly get any worse it suddenly does."

It wasn't a good moment.

In high school, me and my friend Chris attended a backwater school with about 600 total students in middle of nowhereville Virginia. It was the 90s and early 2000s, nerd culture still hadnt fully crystalized, and we were of course teased incessantly for not chasing girls or footballs, or anything other than loot in Diablo.

School was generally something we didnt involve ourselves in too much, except when something caught our interests through the Peanuts like haze of "bwa bwa bwa bwaaa bwa". And one day in civics class, it finally happened. The teacher mentioned that we'd be doing some role playing and he was going to hand out character sheets. This was some kind of congressional hearing thing, and he was probably worried when we showed such enthusiasm.

We looked up a map of congress online and made our own maps, justifying our having these with knowledge points on our character sheets. Chris played a "Dwarven Republican" and I think I was a rogue named Matt Files. We may have gotten a girl we knew to play a half elf page. Our character sheets had a number of feats, and I made sure my guy had the improvised weapon feat incase they checked him at the metal detector, which Mr Logan didnt think to mention.

The class period when it actually went down was marred with chestnuts such as these:

My character was called to testify about something. I broke out dice to make a willpower save and was looked at quizically when I announced that I had passed my save and would therefore maintain the thieves guild code of silence unless tortured.

Chris asked who was the eldest and most powerful Democratic congressman at the hearings so that he could be slain and looted first.

Any time someone new was brought into the chronicle, we asked their hit dice and whether they were standing or sitting so they might be caught flat footed if violence broke out.

To this day, I am still convinced that congressional hearings are awesome!

I love trying to work nerdy phrases into normal conversation, but my favourite source material comes either from Lando Calrissian or Space Ghost.  I have used:

- "I'm responsible nowadays; it's the price you pay for being successful" loads of times, when meeting people I haven't seen for years (Lando, from ESB)- "I'm sorry.  There's was nothing I could do.  They arrived just before you did," when explaining to someone why they have returned home to find their room being searched by the police (Lando, also ESB)

- "I totally did sex with that girl.  I think you could say that was an activity which we did," particularly memorable, because I walked two miles after aforementioned sex to deliver the line to my friend James, and as far as I can remember, the only reason I did 'the sex' was so I could deliver the line. (Space Ghost quote, Curling Flower Space)- "I will place anything in my mouth which is given to me, whether it's supposed to go there or not.  Because I'm different."  This was when I enrolled in a paid taste-testing trial.  They had already read my friend the list of flavours he might be willing to test, and were about to do the same to me.  I'd already heard the list, so I cut the administrator short, and delivered the line.

..

Pope John Paul 2nd hap just died and I, in an anecdote 16 year old me thought was quite clever, likened the selection process of the new pope identical to two Highlanders fighting. My logic was that there can be only one.

This doesnt really fit in the catagorie, but it made me chuckle

As part of my role as a a leader in a charity that takes young people out on expeditions in England, we ventured into a field of Cows, and was promptly 'followed' by the said herd across the field. my young people began to get a harrassed and worried about the 'potential onslaught of cows on their persons'.

Running out of patience i stopped in my tracks, turned to the cows with arms aloft and shouted

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS i then turned to my young people and said "FLY YOU FOOLS!"

Not one of them got the reference!!

OH and the power of Gandalf worked on the cows!!

I was on a night out with my mate and we both pulled.  The women in question were living together so we went back to theirs.  After finishing my gentlemany business, I compared her lady parts to Krang from TMNT.  I was on the way out and unsurprisingly I have never been back.

During a round of golf one of my friends inadvertently smashed another friends face with a 4 iron...with what turned out to be a broken check bone and gushing blood I have the good humour to blurt out "I am Iron Man"

Plenty of expletives followed on the buggy ride back to the clubhouse.

A few years ago my sister was talking to my brother-in-law on his radio, he was a dispatcher, so I decided to mess with him a bit. He was asking my sister what they needed from the store, so I proceeded to tell him instead. Then I followed with the roll call from Full Metal Jacket, very loudly mind you, about "there will be no racism in my core! We do not look down on.." etc.  He was already in the store shopping and apparently I could be heard for a a few isles in each direction as he had the volume all the way up because my sister was soft spoken.

About 14 years ago, or whenever, I forgot her age, but my cousin's second daughter was born and had a few health issues. Since then they have been rectified and she is a happy, healthy teenager and if you didn't know any better you wouldn't know she had these issues. But, one was that a few of her fingers were stuck together when she was born. I merely, casually mentioned,"Hey, that's like the Penguin from Batman Return's. That's kinda cool she has a flipper." It did not go smoothly for me after that...

It seemed like a normal day when my wife went out to get food. I was grading some papers when my daughter burst into the room in tears holding a pair of shorts that were clearly stained with menstruation. My wife had told her what to expect when she got her first cycle but clearly it was more than expected. I could only look in disbelief as my little girl stared at me shaking. She asked me what she was supposed to do. I pondered for a moment, searching for the right words to comfort my princess, and proceeded with the only thing that made sense to me at that particular moment. I shouted "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!". Needless to say she ran away crying and screaming obscenities about how weird I was and how I never took anything seriously.

Don't worry, I snapped to my senses after that and called my wife and told her to pick up some toiletries for her. While we waited for her to get back I went and comforted her and eventually we were both laughing about it. Yes she understood the reference, I'm a good father...

I hope I get this one in in time.  Here goes:

  My friend was getting married and was really nervous.  Nervous to the point where she was making the rest of the bridesmaids nervous.  When I'm nervous I hum or try to diffuse it with a joke.  This time I  hummed and the only tune in my head was the Imperial march.  The entire time I walked down the aisle I hummed and at points couldn't control my volume.  I received death glares from just about everyone present and the bride didn't talk to me for about 3 months after.

 It was a training exercise somewhere in Germany. Training during that day was room clearing exercises as well as a simulation of a Afghan village. I was on point with a smoke grenade hanging from my vest. It was a paint-fire exercise and somehow a stray volley hits right where the pin connects and drops the now live grenade to the ground and rolls right in the middle of my squad. It was yellow smoke so the First Sergeant yells out "Gas! Gas! Gas!". Problem was we didn't had our protection masks so the entire squad was dead from the faux mustard gas. I wasn't satisfied at just being dead, so I did the best I could to reenact the one scene from Total Recall when Quaid/Hauser was sucked outside to the Mars Atmosphere. Of course, no one knew what the fuck I doing and disregarded my charade as side effects to the gas.

When the exercise was over, 75% of my uniform was covered with yellow. Without missing a beat, I shout the sinestro corps oath during the debriefing. The look from First Sergeant was like looking at hell itself.

Second Entry: After I decided not to renew my contract at a place i used to contract for (because they were all douchebags and racists to boot), I was asked if i wanted to say a few words. I did. "I've come to regard you as...people I met" was the last thing I ever said to them.

Freshman year of high school, science class.  The teacher had decided not to show up for class, as he was wont to do, so the entire class period went by with us unsupervised.  During the chaos, one of the dumb jocks decided to walk past my desk and punch me in the back of the head as he went.  I thought, "Damn it, this is high school.  That kind of stupid shit is supposed to be over with."  So, I got up, tackled him from behind, and bashed his face into the floor for good measure when we hit the ground.  I got up and noticed that everyone was looking at me.  The jock got up and looked at me, too, more confused than anything.  I figured I should say something badass.  What did I come up with?

"Thank you for your cooperation.  Good night."

Cue my classmates' laughter and my own deep shame.  I sat back down and tried as hard as I could to become invisible.  It didn't work.  For the remainder of my high school years, that phrase was used to mock me.  On the upside, that particular dumb jock never bothered me again.

My (now) wife and I always joked that when we got married, it would be totally awesome to walk out to the club song from Blade (Confusion by new order - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v.... So we did. No-one in attendance got it at all and all we did was laugh all the way out.

I had just passed a promotional civil service test and it was my first promotional interview and it was at a prison to work with correctional officers. They asked me my opinion on teamwork. I talked about it being important, blah, blah, blah, and ended by saying, "It's like Mike Brady says to his family, 'Alone, we can only move buckets. Together, we can move rivers." I'm lucky there weren't crickets in the room. Also, passed the test five years ago and still no promotion. Oh, and I've interviewed with that exact panel twice more. They remember me as the Brady Bunch guy.

Entry 3:  At work one day a man came in and asked whose car outside had the "my other transport is the Millennium Falcon" bumper sticker.  I told him it was mine and he said he was a member of the traveling 501st legion and they were trying to recruit more members.  I said "you're a little short for a storm trooper" He didn't laugh.  I didn't join.

Entry 2:  A few weeks after 9/11 I took my elderly mother to a doctors appointment. I am of arab descent and  I had a full beard at the time.  While the doctor was examining her I went to get a snack and carried her large bag we had with us with me.  I kept getting funny looks in the elevator. As I got off I said loudly to myself, "Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb"

Entry 1: My ex-wife was in labor with our first child and the little girl started crowning.  As soon as the hair was visible I said to the entire delivery room.  "Look a Tribble" 

Entry #1 So I work in a rather popular opticians in the UK. I'm not on the shop floor, I'm stuck in back doing proper work. But one day I notice we were making glasses for a Mr Thor. Turns out he's a bit of an arse and wants them ready ASAP, so we make them and I say "I'll just take these down and nip for a piss..." I take them down and hide behind a pilar, watching Mr Thor try on his glasses hoping that he would say "I enjoy this vision... ANOTHER!!!"

#2 I new girl had just started at work and within a week she changed her hair style. So she comes in and she looks exactly like the cat with a melon on it's head. So infront of the whole shop I point at her and shout "MELONCAT!!" She reacts by leaning back in shock and looking like the a different cat meme. To which I shout "CHARLES! NOOOOOO!! GET OUTTA MA HEAD CHARLES!!!" After explaining to her we're like best work mates.

#3 Me and my mate are from Scotland and we recently started watching Buffy. We really enjoyed when Drucilla comes on with her awful English accent. So the other week we were in a pub in London filled with people talking to other geeks. Suddenly we both out of nowhere decide to quote Drucilla, complete with awful accent at the same point the entire pub went quite.

I was watching TV with my dad the other night, when an ad came on promising on the nightly news an interview with the guy who beheaded a fellow Greyhound bus passenger. "What can he possibly say, the guy is insane," my Dad said."There can only be one!" was my reply.

At my granmothers wake last year i slipped a black lantern ring on her finger and said "Roberta Thill of earth RISE!" my family actually laughed and she was burried with it on. She would have laughed too.

I witnessed a horrible car accident and the first thing out of my mouth was "Fatality! Flawless victory." I hung my head in shame as soon as I said it. Feel bad to this day.