The 20 Most Twisted Mars Attacks Cards

By Kevin Guhl in Daily Lists, Miscellaneous
Thursday, October 18, 2012 at 7:59 am
10) Flight of the Doomed
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The writers of Lost didn't bother to show it because they were too busy with polar bears and mediocre sideways realities, but this is what REALLY happened to Oceanic 815. 

9) Smashing the Enemy
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The Mars Attack saga ends with Earth launching rockets full of soldiers to Mars for a counterattack. Earth armies destroy Martian cities, butcher the populace and then, in the ultimate feel-good moment, Mars is destroyed by an atomic explosion. Even if the Martians pretty much deserved it, watching soldiers use the butts of their guns to pop Martian heads like pimples is a tiny bit barf-inducing.

8) Death By Impalement
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This is a "Deleted Scene" card that had been sketched out for the original Mars Attacks series but never produced until the 2012 set. This poor fella who jumped from a building set on fire by those Martian scamps certainly met a grisly end, but let's look on the bright side; at least he didn't get it through the schlong.

7) Burning Flesh
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A good number of Mars Attack cards GRAPHICALLY depict Martian heat rays melting the flesh off of victims down to the bone, and this might be the worst of them. Mmm, bacon!

6) Unspeakable Experiments
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Not only do Martians like to pull out your internal organs and make you watch, they make your significant other watch, too! Let it never be said they're not romantic. Of course, the real terror of this card is seeing the Martians in their underwear.

5) Naked and the Dead
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Brain shutting down, confused. Incredibly turned on, but nauseous. Is this what they mean by torture porn? Well, at least bugs don't have tentacles.

4) Blasted Into Oblivion
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The Martians weren't content to just zap Earth's soldiers and turn them into human firecrackers. They also took great glee in strapping soldiers to the exhaust ports of their ships and activating the engines. When you put that much work and creativity into new ways to kill things, that just has to be respected.

3) Saucers Invade China
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We don't know what's more terrible in this card... the sickening gore or the awful Chinese stereotypes.

2) Last Licks
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An innocent, young girl tries to befriend a Martian by offering it her ice cream crone. Judging by the name of card and knowing from other evidence what rat-bastards the Martians are, you don't want to see what happens next.

1) Destroying a Dog
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For all the atrocities the Martians are seen joyfully depicting in this card series, perhaps nothing is more tragic and awful then this Martian frying a dog right in front of its tearful, young owner. Many thanks to the artists at Topps for mentally scarring generations of kids for five decades running!

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