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#61 Somehow I think planes breaking in half in midair is pretty much an everyday occurance on Fly By Night Airlines.
10) Flight of the Doomed
The writers of Lost didn't bother to show it because they were too busy with polar bears and mediocre sideways realities, but this is what REALLY happened to Oceanic 815.
9) Smashing the Enemy
The Mars Attack saga ends with Earth launching rockets full of soldiers to Mars for a counterattack. Earth armies destroy Martian cities, butcher the populace and then, in the ultimate feel-good moment, Mars is destroyed by an atomic explosion. Even if the Martians pretty much deserved it, watching soldiers use the butts of their guns to pop Martian heads like pimples is a tiny bit barf-inducing.
8) Death By Impalement
This is a "Deleted Scene" card that had been sketched out for the original Mars Attacks series but never produced until the 2012 set. This poor fella who jumped from a building set on fire by those Martian scamps certainly met a grisly end, but let's look on the bright side; at least he didn't get it through the schlong.
7) Burning Flesh
A good number of Mars Attack cards GRAPHICALLY depict Martian heat rays melting the flesh off of victims down to the bone, and this might be the worst of them. Mmm, bacon!
6) Unspeakable Experiments
Not only do Martians like to pull out your internal organs and make you watch, they make your significant other watch, too! Let it never be said they're not romantic. Of course, the real terror of this card is seeing the Martians in their underwear.
5) Naked and the Dead
Brain shutting down, confused. Incredibly turned on, but nauseous. Is this what they mean by torture porn? Well, at least bugs don't have tentacles.
4) Blasted Into Oblivion
The Martians weren't content to just zap Earth's soldiers and turn them into human firecrackers. They also took great glee in strapping soldiers to the exhaust ports of their ships and activating the engines. When you put that much work and creativity into new ways to kill things, that just has to be respected.
3) Saucers Invade China
We don't know what's more terrible in this card... the sickening gore or the awful Chinese stereotypes.
2) Last Licks
An innocent, young girl tries to befriend a Martian by offering it her ice cream crone. Judging by the name of card and knowing from other evidence what rat-bastards the Martians are, you don't want to see what happens next.
1) Destroying a Dog
For all the atrocities the Martians are seen joyfully depicting in this card series, perhaps nothing is more tragic and awful then this Martian frying a dog right in front of its tearful, young owner. Many thanks to the artists at Topps for mentally scarring generations of kids for five decades running!
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9) Smashing the Enemy
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8) Death By Impalement
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7) Burning Flesh
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6) Unspeakable Experiments
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5) Naked and the Dead
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4) Blasted Into Oblivion
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3) Saucers Invade China
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2) Last Licks
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1) Destroying a Dog
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63 comments
1 Like
Having only been vaguely familiar with the trading cards, I learned something... If there's anything this article has underlined, it's that Tim Burton's movie was WAY too tame. It should have been an NC-17 torture porn horror flick instead of a campy Ed Wood-style sci-fi cheesefest.
If "18. Trapped" is the best... why is "5. Naked and Dead" higher? These lists are illogical, captain!
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@Kozmik_Pariah Best of the original cards featuring bugs, anyway. Naked and Dead was part of the unpublished set from the 1994 edition.
Er...uh...I well and truly hope that that's an ice cream cone that that little girl is holding in #2 and some kind of Martian...peen or something....
It strikes me as odd that it was the 60s, yet in #5 there is nary a hint of shrubbery.
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I think Topps Dinosars Attack! set from my childhood was as bad or worse. A number of them are based off the Mars Attacks cards.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/nerdcoreblog/sets/72157622577125417/
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@scrow98 To be honest, I find them hilarious... It's like a game of 'spot the herbivore eating people' or 'guess how many times it's been inflated'. And I find it hard to believe even a T-Rex could be anything a machine gun couldn't take care of...
@TotallyNotLoki Yeah, I love the cat lady's revenge card where a single shot obliterates almost half of the dino's face. The half not even facing her.
@scrow98 I remember card 33 from that set scaring the every loving fuck out of me as a child.
Did #8 (Death by Impalement) "jump from a building set on fire", or did he fall out of the collapsing building across the street, that we see three other people falling from?
4 Like
@megwrite99 The one with the ships is just too much in post 12/7 :(
The one with the guy getting shot is just too much in post 11/22 :(.
@megwrite99 @doctor_mindbender Psst...I think he's mindbending you. And that's just too much, post 13/32!
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no wonder these cards had parents upset. way back win. for would love to know what evil exec at tops decided okay we will not only release a card that depicts chinese people as their old sterotypes but also lets have a little kid watch as his beloved four legged friend is bbqued by a martin not to mention a little girl who wanted to share some ice cream about to be bashed in her head. but the uproar did do one thing make the cards a hot item by mars attack collectors to have
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@demoncat_4 you don't normally see birds bbqueing dogs... outside of Heckle and Jeckle cartoons
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@megwrite99 mostly because adults are proably buying these things now adays to relive their memories of having the old ones.
@demoncat_4 Some of the more graphic cards on this list didn't appear until the 1994 reprint. So the parents complaints didn't necessarily pertain to them.
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@Lithroe because the parents proably did not look and see what the kids were buying as cards espically now a days given every thing is more electronic
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Well, as compensation for #20 and retaliation for #1, based on the movie anyway, we can bask in the smug satisfaction that by the time the Earth forces retaliates, those Martian families who had at first gleefully bask in delight at the human annihilation get to scream in shock and horror as they watch their proud army's heads explodes one by one to a the tune of Slim Whitman's Indian Love Call. Bonus satisfaction if the broadcast was live, and thus the song killing the martian families as well via video feed.
3 Like
Apparently I have to visit the My Voice Nation main site every so often to get it to acknowledge that I'm logged in. I don't actually have to log in, because I am logged in - just go to the site - and then MVN is all OH, IT'S YOU! and then after I reload this site I can post comments again, in fact all the comments that I just tried to post go ahead and post. If MVN really just wants people to visit their site that badly I can point some "friends" at them to "visit" their site.
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@Gallen_Dugall Anonymous is not your personal army. Well...maybe if the cause is amusing enough....
"We don't know what's more terrible in this card... the sickening gore or the awful Chinese stereotypes."
Yeah, because the chinese never wear rice pickers, dress like that, or cut kids hair like that.
all the other ones were cool, but #3 just doesnt belong.
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@freetouch I had a hard time telling they were Chinese myself -- not sneaky looking enough
@megwrite99 Good! I was worried all that righteousness was just for show. My job is done then!
@freetouch Yes, yes I do, lashing back against ignorant fucks like you always makes me feel better. ^_^
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The unflattering, exaggerated facial features are also old school caricature. @freetouch
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ACK! ACK ACK ACK ACK!
ACK ACK ACK, ACK ACK. ACK ACK!
ACK ACK. ACK ACK ACK!
(oh for the old ability to add html tags, to bold and italicize where needed)
8 Like
Jesus Christ, some of these are actually fucking terrifying. I love it.
And I don't care what anyone says, I love the Mars Attacks! movie, flaws and all.
@geekgirl8 Is there a card with Sarah Jessica Parker's head on a dog? Coz that messed me up pretty permanently. The bikini-wearing dog, not so much, contrary to what you might expect.
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@geekgirl8 I'm surprised how many of the cards were covered in the movie within the budget. Probably could've got more in if they didn't have the all-star cast.
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@GarethPrime As long as Jack Nicholson stayed the President, I'd be okay with that.
