The 50 Greatest Horror-Themed Wacky Packages Cards

By Chris Cummins in Daily Lists, Miscellaneous
Wednesday, October 31, 2012 at 8:05 am
25) Scary Jane Candy
Scary Jane Candy.jpg
What exactly is"witches brew" you might ask? High fructose corn syrup...with a pinch of newt.

24) The Gravestones
Gravestones Wacky Packages.jpgMore than just an ordinary trading card, this one is a reminder that everything and everyone will die one day. Yabba Dabba Don't ever plan on sleeping again kids!

23) Vlad Trash Bags
You know how you some weeks you forget to put out the trash so you quick roll out of bed, throw on some pants and shoes and run after the garbage truck? This isn't an option for vampires. Let that be a lesson to all you lazy tweens out there who wish you could live like Edward and Bella.

22) Kong Fu
Kong Fu Wacky Packages.jpg
Monkeys doing kung fu? Fuck and yes.

21) Beastball
Beastball Wacky Packages.jpg
Continuing the Topps spoofs themselves theme, this Wacky Pack makes me realize that I'd actually watch baseball if the players were as cool as the one pictured here.

20) Creature Barrel
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A grilled Creature from the Black Lagoon sandwich with a side of tomato soup is the perfect snack on a chilly autumn night.

19) Scary Lee Screamberry Cheese Cake
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Subsisting only on human plasma really gives you a sweet tooth. That's where this one comes in.

18) Hostile Thinkies
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In recent years, Topps has been offering the occasional Wacky Packages promo comic. If they really wanted to get clever, they'd include spoof advertisements in these. Just think of the comedic possibilities that a parody of the old Hostess comic ad featuring Hostile Thinkies could conjure up...

17) Wriggling Juicy Fright
Juicy Fright.jpg
Ha ha! Frankenstein's monster lost a finger. Dumb ass. This one comes from the 2007 Wacky Packages lineup. I'm not sure who the artist is here, but they perfectly emulate the house style Norman Saunders and Tom Sutton helped establish for the classic cards in the series.

16) Haunts Ketchup
I'm not entirely certain, but this could be viral marketing for a gritty remake of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.

15) Creature Crackers
Creature Crackers Wacky Packages.jpg
Whenever I listen to The Smiths' "Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want," these things are what I picture. (Pathetic, isn't it?) Sunshine still needs to make these a reality.

14) Dr. Ono
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Norman Saunders at his grotesque best.

 13) Bone Ami
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Whether you staging an amateur production of Hamlet or looking to just tidy up your torture dungeon, this is the product for you.

12) Satan Wrap
Satan Wrap Wacky Packages.jpg
Hell is other people...and having to put away leftovers.

11) Cult 45
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This exists and they still chose to drink Flavor Aid at Jonestown. Senseless.

10) TV Ghoul
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To be honest, getting choked by a ghoul is preferable to watching some of the shows spoofed on the cover here.

9) Hyde's Rox
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I know that I always change from Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde whenever someone tries to give me Hydrox cookies instead of Oreos.

8) Doomed Matches
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Even while burning at the stake Frank is more stylish than many nerds.

 7) Fright Castle
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Harold and Kumar have nothing on the classic monsters in terms of being stoners.

6) Run-A-Way Monster Vitamins
Run-A-Way Monster Wacky Packages.jpg
As we close in on the top five, take a moment to sit back. relax and soak in the museum-quality art of these Wackys. This is like the monster kid equivalent of the Mona Lisa.

5) Bloodweiser
This is to Tru Blood what Schlitz is to Guinness.

4) Fearasil
If I were this witch I'd ask for a refund.

3) Famous Mobsters of Frightland
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Because there was some crossover between the Famous Monsters of Filmland and Wacky Packages artists, this card (as well as the Creepy and Vampirella spoofs also featured in the line) were inevitable.

2) Screech Tape
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The strength of the joke aside, what makes this card the second best horror-themed Wacky Pack ever is that the mummy and damsel in distress included here wouldn't be out of place in fright publications.

1) Fang
Fang Wacky Packages.jpg
Anyone else get the sense that the Wacky Packages creative staff spends all their free time at Camarilla events? They seem to be one vampire-obsessed lot. Anyway, Fang earns the top slot because it is a parody worthy of Weird Al -- an inspired spoof of a recognizable product. And isn't that the whole point of these things?
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