Rob's 5 Worst (and 5 Least Worst) Fan Fiction Fridays

By Rob Bricken in Miscellaneous, Nerdery
Thursday, November 8, 2012 at 1:59 pm
Since TR's mantra from the very beginning has been "nerd news, humor, and self-loathing," it was always important to me to showcase nerd-dom's ridiculous, terrible side, even as comic movies conquered Hollywood, nerd chic became accepted, and really just as the lives of nerds generally improved. The most efficient way I discovered of doing this was to look at erotic fan fiction, the tales of horror and debauchery written by those constantly remind us that nerdery has a dark side. 

When I started FFF, I normally only ran a few short sections and a had a few comments. Somehow that turned into to me running how stories and occasionally making a joke every other  line. What was supposed to be a quick deflation of nerd ego turned into a grueling 2-3 hour test of my endurance and sanity. Because remember, not only do I have to 2-3 hours writing each FFF installment, I have to spend countless hours reading horrible eorotic fan fic until I find one suitable for FFF.

I would have quit FFF a hundred times, except it became Topless Robot's most popular feature, my signature contribution to the internet, and I need attention and approval far more than I need my mental well-being. Here are the five FFFs that hurt me the most -- and the six I somehow actually enjoyed.



THE WORST:

5) Draco and Lucius Malfoy in "*Squick*" (November 20th, 2009)

Is it the incest? The involuntary lobotomy? The scat play? The skullfucking? I think it's that all these things are in one story that makes "*Squick*" such a nightmare.


4) Red Koopa and Green Koopa in "Creation of a Dry Bones" (March 13th, 2009)

Although "Creation of a Dry Bones," in which a Red Koopa rapes a Green Koopa -- which is supposed to help the Green Koopa somehow -- but then the Green Koopa tears off his own flesh, becoming a skeleton, and then gives the Red Koopa a handjob, is actually more disturbing.


3) Lightning McQueen in "Rite of Passage" (January 7th, 2011)

While the stories listed above are depraved and disgusting, i still feel like "Rite of Passage" is a Lovecraftian nightmare of insanity from which no rational thought can escape. No one dies in this story, but when your story's about a sentient car getting double-penetrated by a tentacle monster, violent death is just banal. The fan fics above make me feel like I'd seen the evil of humanity; "Rite of Passage" makes me think I've seen the horror lurking behind our reality, and it terrifies me.


2) "The Pokémon Story(July 3rd, 2009)

Back in the innocent days of 2009, I found this new legendary fan fic, and thought I'd discovered the worst the internet had to offer. I was wrong, so hilariously wrong. But "The Pokémon Story" is legendarily terrible, and makes "*Squick*" and "Creation of a Dry Bones" look like Berenstein Bears books. You know, I just noticed that I was so traumatized at the time I never did any commentary for this thing. That seems like a bit of a wasted opportunity, given how popular is is... I wonder...


1) "The Other Story(March 12th, 2010)

I don't care what Abraxas or any of you think, this story disgusts me and freaks me out so much I still won't read it again. I'll read "The Pokémon Story" a hundred times before I even glance at this atrocity.


MY FAVORITES:

Note that I'm not calling these "the best," because they're still horrible erotic fan fics. But these are the ones I most enjoyed running, or am simply glad I ran. Special honorary mention to Yoda in "Yoda and Tequila" (October 30th, 2009).


5) Goku and Anne Frank in "Until the End of Time" (December 19th, 2008)

There's no sex in this story, but it does contain the second greatest fan fic pairing of all time. Plus, it reveals the little known fact that Hitler was a Super Saiyan. To this day, I can't decide if the story's totally fake happy ending is an insult to Anne Frank, or just the strange cry of a person who genuinely wished Frank had a happier, longer, more Goku-filled life.


4) Hogwarts and a Giant Squid in "First Encounter" (August 21st, 2009)

The greatest fan fic pairing of all time. Once you've read about a squid bringing a large building to orgasm, you'll... never not have read about a squid bringing a large building to orgasm


3) Prince William, Kate Middleton and Garfield in "Royal Rescue" (April 29th, 2011)

Honestly, all the Garfield stories are fantastic, but my favorite remains the first, partially because it's what introduced us all to the impossibly manly adventures of Garfield, and partially because Garfield invokes the right of prima nocta with Kate Middleton. That still amazes me, even now.


2) May and Buster the Teddiursa in "Adopting a Cute Bear Cub" (September 11th, 2009)

This erotic Pokémon fan fic from Brickhousebunny21 wasn't fun, and given the fact it had an underage girl adopting and the having sex with an even more underage Pokémon, it was more than a little twisted. Also, he once describes breasts as "milk junkies." But it's what followed the FFF that makes this my second favorite -- I'm talking, of course, of Brickhousebunny21's insane tirades, his threats to ban every TR readers from the furr porn website I found the story on, and, most wonderfully, "WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS." Truly, Topless Robot's entire existence was justified that day.


1) Everything ComicsNix Wrote

What could be better than "WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS"? Only the works of the erotic fan fic laureate, ComicsNix. ComicsNix's special brand of gibberish, insanity and depravity made him an instant hit on TR, even though he was almost certainlly trolling. In the end, it doesn't matter, because even if the stories were fake, the joys they gave us were quite real. Here are my favorites:

• Batman and Robocop in "The Day the Men Found Love" (January 29th, 2010)

• Inspector Gadget and Superman in "Doomsday Womb" (April 16th, 2010)

• Optimus Prime and Princess Leia in "Love Beyond Circuits, Love Beyond Flesh" (June 18th, 2010)

• Wolverine, Cyclops and Jean Grey in "Day of reckoning" (January 8th, 2010)

If I had to pick one, though, it would probably be Batman and Robocop. I'm a sucker for a good love story.

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