Best: Opening Scene is Han Solo Interrogating Jar Jar and shots him in the head.
Worst: The "midichlorians" create a new "the one"
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First things first: This contest is sponsored by the fine folks at Arcane Movie Tees, who will give three lucky Topless Roboteers one of their awesome, movie-inspired shirts! They have a fine selection of subtle, classy and good-looking designs, so check 'em out so you'll know what you want if you win!
How do you win these shirts? Tell me what you think the best/worst scenes, characters, lines of dialogue, or plot points will be in Star Wars: Episode VII (coming in 2015! God, it still feels weird to type that). You don't have to incorporate some kind of Disney element in your entries, but of course you're welcome to. Will Jar Jar make an appearance? Will somebody explain midichlorians aren't real, and the Jedi only thought they existed because they had a faulty scanner? Will Jaina Solo have a coke nail in honor of her mother?
I cannot, in good conscience, stifle your creativity on this very important subject, so enter as many times as you want. Keep them short, though -- if it's as long as an opening crawl, I ain't reading it. the contest ends on Monday, November 5th, at 12:01 am EST. You guys have a great weekend, and if you happen across an abandoned cottage in a public park that has chicken in the fridge, you eat that chicken immediately.
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500 comments
Worst: The moon comes crashing down on Chewie....
Best: Who grabs Jar Jar and wrestles him to the ground, growling "If I'm going I'm taking you with me!"
set 40 - 50 years after return of the jedi,
han and leia's kids are played by steve gutenburg and rosie periz, youngest by rob schneider
Worst scene: The movie introduces Shia Lebouf as Lukes son Dawg Skywalker. Best scene: Han-Solo enters room...
jedi ewoks, sith ewoks, bounty hunter ewoks, clone trooper ewoks, imperial ewoks, rebel ewoks, slave girl ewoks, ewok ewoks
Good - The entire original cast reprises their roles from Episodes 4-6.
Bad - The movie takes place six months after Return of the Jedi.
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Luke bust out in a sad song about being the only jedi left, and how alone he is and how no one understands him.
@watnow5432 lol...and Jabba should have a big musical number about how depraved and seedy his palace is.
let us not forget the padawan training montage song and the big group number, where force ghost just start popping out of the wood work as the background chorus
@watnow5432 Big Band/Swing number -
We got deathsticks sin and booze
Gaming tables win or lose
all the space vice you can choose
Here in Jabba's den
If you want to meet Fett he's here
Ask for an autograph no fear
Just polish his helmet and buy him a beer
Here in Jabba's den
For the ladies something new
The Gamorean Guards are gigolos too
Take them out back where the Rancors chew
Here in Jabba's den
And the Hutt him himself ain't too old
He Recovered from the Princess' sleeper hold
Ready to party, Back and bold
Here in Jabba's den (yeah)
Part of Episode 7 will take place back on Tatooine, and will have another Sarlacc pit scene.
The Sarlacc will be played by Nicki Minaj
Worst Plot Point: When Luke and Leia are ret-conned to no longer be brother and sister, then they get together. This way it won't be as weird when we see Mickey as Luke and Minnie as Leia.
On a side note! I hope everyone is just happy at the potential for a new Howard the Duck... cause disney owns all the proper rights to make that thing without any trouble!
Worst: The credits song is a peppy remake of the song that Leia sang for life day, performed by pop-star du jour.
Best: An aging Luke Skywalker and Anakin Solo battle an army of Sith to "In the Hall of the Mountain King"
Worst: Every time there's a tense or dramatic moment, Jar Jar's grandson comes in and bursts into song.
An adult Luke gets into a cantina brawl after a drunken Wedge teases him by saying, "Remember that time you tried to kill your dad while I was busy trying to blow up a death star? Good Times."
Wedge: Sorry Luke...Say, remember that time you said you kissed a princess? Well I think I might have just realized something!...Hey, turn that thing off, a guy could loose a hand that way....You know, people are going to think you are over compensating for something. Anyway, you can't kill me, I'm the one that survives.
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Best moment: Walt Disney's cameo where he's frozen in carbonite
Worst: The future fan fiction friday where Mickey forces himself on Darth Vader while the rest of the mouseketeers, (ages 8-17) pleasure themselves nearby.
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Disney nerds will search with glee and Star Wars purists with rage looking for all the hidden, "mickeys" in the movies.
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Best - Luke Skywalker has begun to restrengthen The Force by reopening the school. He has taken the place of Yoda.
Worst - Jar Jar is in this and just as bad as he was in Episode One.
Landscapes. Fantastical landscapes that can only be found a long time ago in a galaxy far far away.
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Best moment: Disney pays a truck load of money to Fox so that they can use the classic fanfare music before the movie starts.
Worst moment: Every single bit of news about Ep VII between now and 2015 being picked apart by the internet relentlessly.
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Best: To promote the release, the next "Kingdom Hearts" game will feature a level on Hoth.
Worst: You'll have to play through as Cloud Strife and Goofy.
Wait, no, that'd be awesome...
Star Wars ep. 7 Space Mountain
Star Wars Ep. 7 In the land of tomorrow
Star Wars ep. 7 Mr. Yoda's wild ride
Star Wars ep. 7 Matter Horn
Star Wars ep. 7 lightsaber parade
Best: The Jedi order of Luke Skywalker, i.e. Force powers with none of the BS.
Or
"The stuff about midiclorians was just nonsense the old order used to prevent everyone from using Jedi mind tricks on each other."
Or
Rebel CIvil War
Worst:
Dubstep OST
Or
Any other ethnicity beside Caucasion, being represented as a different alien race.
Or
Boba Fett's affair with Leia
or
CG, CG everywhere.
Worst: As Disney (which owns Star Wars) and Paramount Pictures (which distributed theTransformers movies) are both owned by Viacom, there is now the barest legal possibility for "Love Beyond Circuits, Love Beyond Flesh" to be turned into a movie.
...meaning there could be an Optimus Prime Anal Funhouse in Disney World 2015!
At last, you, your family, and even your children can experience the fragrant pleasure of the daisy smell permeating from Optimus Prime's anus. Like, R2D2, they can marvel at the Hall of Portraits - preview where their gleaming faces will soon adorn the multicolored circuitry of Optimus Prime's bowels - while sliding down the soft, pinky pillows of pure Petunia's Cotton. They will become one with the universe, one with Optimus Prime, as his friend, his customer, his lover.
Best: A galaxy where Princess Leia became such a fashion-plate that the Metal Bikini is en vogue everywhere.
Worst: Even on Kashyyk.
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Best: bringing back some of the original cast, older and wiser, to beat the crap out of Hayden Christensen
Worst: the songs.
“Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to a clone war we go”
“And can you feel the Force tonight
It is where we are
It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer
That we got this far
And can you feel the Force tonight
How it's laid to rest
It's enough to make droids and jedis gone
Believe the very best”
“When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything the Force desires
Will come to you”
“it’s a tale as old as time
True as it can be
Barely even friends
Then somebody blasts you
Unexpectedly
Just a little change
Small, to say the least
Both a little scared
Neither one prepared
Blasted by the Beast”
“It's the Circle of the Force
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the midichloridian life cycle
In the Circle
The Circle of the Force”
Best: seeing someone new have a go at Star Wars, bringing a different perspective.
Worst: That someone new is Disney, who brought us shitty sequels like Cinderella II and Cinderella III: when glass slippers shatter.
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Best: Post credit scene at the Mos Eisley Cantina where a much older Han Solo, Chewbacca, and Lando Calrissian nurse their drinks quietly until Han breaks the silence with “I shot first.” Lando nods and Chewie roars appreciatively. Then fade to black.
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Best Moment: Not seeing George Lucas' name under "Director" or "Script Writer" credits.
Worst Moment: Seeing Michael Bay's.
@RoloTomasi Too late, Lucas is writing the script and will be a creative consultant for the movie.
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Best Moment: The THX music crescendos, sending the hairs on the back of my neck upright. The screen goes dark. The legend appears; "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...". THOSE opening bars. Star Wars: Episode VII...
Worst Moment: When Jar Jar starts narrating the opening crawl.
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Worst: Flashback to the Emperor falling down the reactor shaft is dubbed with the Goofy "Yaaaaaa hoo hoo hooey" yell.
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Best moment: They read up on the material and work with christopher nolan and JJ abrams to make a screenplay while simultaneously creating a cartoon and tv show that tie into the series beautifully on their networks.
Worst moment: They decide to go with a chewbacca themed parody with an ewok cousin for abc family and the cartoon which is brilliant and beautifully done gets cancelled after a season or two so they can make it tie into the movie better.
We see the movies redone entirely from Jar Jar's point of view. We find out that he's really a brilliant mastermind with the best of intentions who orchestrated every major event in the films, right up until the fall of the Republic. From there, everything Jar Jar does just makes it all worse. Nothing he does saves the great, fallen Republic he once loved. He begins binge drinking and hanging out at strip clubs to drown his sorrows in sweet booze and lewd lap dances.
Near the end, we see Jar Jar as an old man retelling his story to an old Luke Skywalker, who is many times a grandfather himself. Luke forgives Jar Jar graciously, but Jar Jar can never forgive himself. Then Jar Jar gets drunk and hits an Ewok in the face. (The usual.) Strippers scatter as the fighters pull out their knives and try to kill one another. It ends when the Ewok bites Jar Jar on the ankle and gives him space rabies.
Jar Jar becomes a ravenous zombie, shambling through the streets of Coruscant, mumbling, "Is thems gots za brains for Jar Jar?" before tearing people's heads off and sucking out their grey matter. The cops arrive, but they just can't put Jar Jar down.
Finally, after many lives are lost, Luke leads a team of highly trained Jedi to put the monster down. The movie ends on a shot of Jar Jar's fallen head, smoke trailing from his neck-stump as Luke stands over him, lightsaber drawn, a look of regret in his wizened eyes.
Jar Jar's last words: "Thanks yooz-ems." Then his body passes gas, and at long last, he dies. Space rats crawl out from the shadows and carry off his organs. One thing is left behind. Luke stoops over, reaches down into the blood slick street, and finds a card with Luke's name on it.
It says, "Anakin was yooz fathers, but I am Anakin's father. I lub yoozas. Sorry iza couldn't find the strengtheses to tellz yooz before. My badzies."
A tear falls from Luke's eye as the screen fades.
A documentary on ewoks that ends with them running off a cliff. Only to discovered later that the film crew chased them off said cliff.
The next movie is shot as a docu-drama about the Jedi going door to door making converts. Then they run into a band of space-Mormons and all hell breaks loose.
The Best Moment is the Worst Moment. Star Wars Episode VII is as good as the original trilogy, maybe even better. When the credits role every fan realizes that Disney deserves every dollar they make. No one can package and update nostalgia better than the Mouse, and that Uncle George's complete creative control is what ruined the prequels and Indiana Jones. And that is the end. All fans start campaigns begging their favorite SciFi creators to don a pair of mouse ears. Firefly reboot? Thanks Disney. Quantum Leap reunion? Thanks Walt. A new Harry Potter? More Farscape? A new TNG flick? A Harry Dresden series of movies? How about a Hedge Knight mini-series? Heck, take it one step further. Kevin Smith's return to the Askewniverse. More Chuck. More Reaper. More Dead Like Me. More Carnivale, Rome and Deadwood. We hand our wallets over and Disney will make your dreams come true.
