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They did a short Christmas special last year that was not bad atoll, and the commercials were off just enough to make me think they'll handle this just fine.
You might have missed it in a week loaded with every cool new 2013 movie trailer at once, but the biggest big-screen news of the week involves a 2016 release -- Angry Birds: The Movie, to be financed independently of the studio system by Rovio, and produced by Despicable Me's John Cohen. 
Ask not why they would do such a thing -- it is inevitable that any product with any name recognition will one day have its own film. Ask instead how they will sustain 90 minutes or so of screen time based on a game that simply involves throwing things at other things. Well, we have a few ideas, and offer them up for a couple of reasons: one, so that when the thing finally does come out, we can say we called it. Two -- a far less likely possibility -- we want to get all the obvious concepts out there first in hopes that they'll try to be more creative and do something different, ensuring we cannot say we called it. Either way, these strike us the likeliest scenarios:
7. The Jackass Method
Johnny Knoxville and Steve-O dunk themselves in tar and feathers, then actually climb into giant catapults and hurl themselves against various objects for the entire movie. It's more or less what they've done for three previous movies anyway, and we kept watching.
6. The Uwe Boll Method
Source
Hey, somebody keeps letting this guy get his hands on video game licenses. Basically, same concept as above, only he'd somehow get Ray Liotta and Meat Loaf to star, and intersperse 20 minutes of actual Angry Birds game footage into the live-action scenes.
5. The Sofia Coppola Method
Make a movie about what the Birds do when they're not working. Basically, we see them hang out by the swimming pool, order room-service birdseed, stare at beautiful scenery and into mirrors, and listen to whatever CDs the director herself happens to be into at the time. It won't make any money, but it will make every critic's ten-best list.
4. The Adaptation/Seven Psychopaths Method
Co-scripted by Charlie Kaufman and Martin McDonagh, this would be a dark comedy about an alcoholic Irishman (Farrell) who gets hired by producer Jerry Bruckheimer (Christopher Walken) to write a big-budget Angry Birds movie for Nicolas Cage to star in. Cage, played by Cage doing a meta-impersonation of himself as played by Johnny Depp, proceeds to jeopardize the whole project when he gets uber-method and decides to start living in a twig nest up a tree. Can the drunken screenwriter stop the crazed thespian from building a giant slingshot by hand, and terrorizing the local pig farm?
3. The Garbage Pail Kids Method
Ha! Remember in the '80s when we wondered how they'd make a movie out of gross trading cards, and they did it anyway? Same formula: a lovelorn, bullied teenager (Justin Bieber) stumbles into an antique store, where the ancient owner (James Hong) keeps a secret hidden inside a mysterious Chinese casket. When the Angry Birds inside are accidentally unleashed, our hero must befriend them, hiding them from two inept animal control men (Ken Jeong and Mike Epps) while they help him deal with the evil jocks at his school.
2. Just Make Angry Birds Star Wars, Already
Granted, this would take some cooperation with Disney, but the opportunities for cross-promotional synergy are enormous, especially when Green Pig Vader reveals himself to be the disgruntled bastard son of Kermit and Miss Piggy.
1. The Obvious (i.e. Smurfs) Method
Unfortunately, this is probably how it will go. When a slacker (Seth Rogen) accidentally drops his iPad into a vat of chemicals, a chain reaction occurs that brings the Angry Birds to life. They follow him home, where he must conceal them from his girlfriend (Anna Faris) and his unlikely employers at a theme-park ride design company. The mayhem caused by the Birds eventually gets him fired, but then he's given one last chance, and they help him create a slingshot-coaster that saves the day. Also, there will be at least three scenes where the Birds lip-sync to whatever five-year-old rap hits the producers can get the rights to.
How would you make an Angry Birds movie, assuming you had to?
Tags: Angry Birds, Garbage Pail Kids
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85 comments
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Love the sizzling commentary Luke! I can see your tenure in LA has really given you that great ability to just rim-shot stupid ideas in a biting commentary. Good stuff man, keep it up.
Make it a fantasy to begin with... A diehard angry birds player/game designer is either pulled into the game OR an accident with some experimental computer equipment brings the birds into our world. That would be the only way to have limbless creatures bouncing around all over the place. But in this case I'd just make it a direct to DVD movie and create a TV show to go with it. The Smurfs method could work, but you have to take into account how badly the smurfs movie tanked.
You forgot the "Social Network" method: Aaron Sorkin writes a compelling story about Finnish game developers making a hit game, which is in fact really a story about how one of them had the idea for a game because his ex-girlfriend loved pigs and the color green.
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Getting over the political season in the U.S. but still watching politicians be idiots, I think we should go to an Angry Bird system. So when one side decides to filibuster they set up a structure and the other side launches themselves at it with a giant slingshot.
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I would love to see the The Adaptation/Seven Psychopaths Method writen just because. Wait!! What if we go the Superhero method and Cage plays Fowlman and he has to kick the shit out of stuff and things to get to the evil Swine Devine (I would like to see a drag queen take on this role). Name of the movie...Fly Angry.
@vangald Maybe it's just me, but ever since Cars 2, I haven't been super fond of Pixar's movies. Both that and Brave were really weak, in my opinion. I mean, not in the animation quality, mind you. I felt the movies were lacking in a lot of areas. Not to mention, Monsters University looks like it's going to be a college movie spoof which seems really odd for a Pixar movie. But we shall see, I guess.
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@vangald In a dream world, that would be our answer to everything (unless we want 2D works). But be warned, the last time Pixar did something that was pretty much purely commercial, we got...Cars 2. *ominous thunder*
@SlyDante777 @vangald Cars 2 is the only one I have seen and I didn't think it was that bad.
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@vangald @SlyDante777 Do you mean Cars 2 is the only Cars film you've seen, or the only Pixar film you've seen? because if it's the latter, you poor, poor, poor, poor man. You have no idea what much more beautiful worlds lie out there. =P
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Taken 3: The Angry Birds. When his children are stolen, one father will resort to anything to get them back...
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@aphthakid Actually, I support the angry of several little Angry Birds cartoons spoofing action movies as well. So let's get to work on this, then follow it up with Angry Birds Shoot 'Em Up & Angry Birds Crank.
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I have a unique set of skills that would make your life a living Hell. Specifically, I put myself into a large slingshot and hurl myself at whatever structure you are currently inhabiting in order to make it collapse on you.
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How I'd do it? Honestly, I'd just ditch the idea for an Angry Birds film altogether & just go straight to the animated series spin-off. Honestly, given the quality of the little Angry Birds Star Wars clip, combined with all the little comics & backstories for the characters (yes, they exist), it could actually turn out to be a pretty good cartoon (preferably in 2D).
But while the franchise & formula seems perfect for a Saturday morning cartoon...Yeeeah, I have no idea how they could wring a 90-minute movie out of it. Best case scenario, it's basically a move-length version of the cartoon I just described, worst case...Well, #1 here.
Nice list, btw, Welcome to TR, Luke. ^_^
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@SlyDante777 Agreed, a nice 80s style Saturday Morning cartoon..
God I miss those!
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@SlyDante777 I was just thinking that this show is made for Saturday Mornings. But i guess we should expect something to follow afterwards.
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@Someguy @SlyDante777 @Canadian.Scott @10glfan59 I feel like "The Gabriel Angle" is the name of Hallmark's next cheesy Christmas special.
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@SlyDante777 @Canadian.Scott @10glfan59 The Gabriel Angle of ... Um ... Angry bird artist.
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@SlyDante777 @Canadian.Scott @10glfan59 SlyDante. The next time somebody asks you if you're a god... you say "YES!"
=P
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@SlyDante777 @Canadian.Scott @10glfan59 Those messengers of god are pretty good to so take a bow.
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@Canadian.Scott @SlyDante777 @10glfan59 No, Jaehthebird on deviantART is a god. I'm just their messenger. =P
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As for the movie itself...i can see this be some horrible attempt at motion capture. Picture a whole bunch of people in Mo-Cap suits running around and then adding the Angry Birds in afterwards...freaks me out just thinking of it.
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Well i will give you this sir to show my appreciation for a quick hit out of the gate. It wasn't a home run but at least you got on base!
[IMG]http://i.imgur.com/ElidW.gif[/IMG]
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Personally, if I'm going to see a movie made from an app, I'd rather have Cut the Rope. Om Nom is way more awesome than any of those birds.
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new person!! <sniffs him> he seems okay...we'll let him live for now...if not, we can always bury him in the room full of unwanted presents, everyone has one of those don't they? Do the Dance of Happiness for us!
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@Lithroe @moffatt0184 Hmm.. not available in my country. Am I the only one in the US?
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@Lithroe @Ford_Thundercougarfalconbird @moffatt0184 Thank you, I can never get enough dancing midgets.
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@Ford_Thundercougarfalconbird @Lithroe @moffatt0184 That's terrible, here have this instead: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iOUnO-EssI
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I enjoyed this, your welcome merits a single marshmallow thrown at you. Do well, and there will be more.
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It's pretty obvious this movie is going to be like a cheap Dreamworks/Illumination film. Pop culture references and toilet humor galore along with some, perhaps, paper thin character stuff going on. Maybe. If we're lucky.
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if we're lucky one of the angry birds will cram themselves into the main character's pants (ala brainy in the smurfs abortion that was realeased some time ago); then it'll be just like FFF only for real
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it needs more pictures of nic cage; maybe in his wickerman role but instead of a wickerman he's stuck in an angry bird
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@Ford_Thundercougarfalconbird @endscan99 @DrAbraxas Woohoo, it works.
But it was already posted and those are gone now?!?
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@endscan99 @DrAbraxas no, when you post, the post and those in the thread disappear and then refresh a minute or so later.
This comment has been deleted
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@endscan99 @Lithroe @DrAbraxas Imgur's a good solution- Here: http://imgur.com/m91Kq
