Entries did not disappoint, I must say. I asked for one embarrassing fact about losing your virginity, and most of you went on to tell me the entire story. This is why Ctulhu invented teh Internetz.
Because there were three winners, I won't be listing runners up, but I certainly encourage reading the comments thread...if you dare (my own self-entry appears somewhere near the very bottom).
Taking home a DVD - which features commentary by the whole cast, as it turns out - will be...
spacechannel5, for bringing Narnia into it. I suspect that could also be a genuine Inbetweeners joke, so it serves the spirit of the movie perfectly.
Since my first time with another person was perfectly fine and did not involve payments of any kind, I'll offer the true story of the first time I self-pleasured.
I didn't know anything about jerking off. I also was just at the point at realizing girls didn't do it for me and I liked guys. But I had no clue what they did together, or how anything worked.
So I was alone in the bathroom, getting cozy with the rug. I had imagined a handsome guy. He was just standing there, looking pretty, but that was enough. Something was happening, at any rate, and it felt good.
At the moment of orgasm, Mr. Perfect vanished, and I saw before me Aslan and all the characters from the Narnia books, in their new perfect world seen at the end of The Last Battle. They were all waving goodbye to me. Like Susan, who had grown up, I was no longer welcome in Narnia. For a moment, I could see them all clearly, waving sadly, and then my POV camera backed away from the scene and they shrank into the distance.
Some people call out "Jesus" when they come. Not me. It was an unintentionally spoken "Oh, Aslan." I laugh about it now, but there was a definite sadness and loss there, no doubt brought on by years of Catholic catechism.
This in no way dissuaded me from chronic masturbation.
BenMurphy, for his creative interpretation of reality and a backwards Mazes and Monsters reference.
I was pretty heavy into D&D growing up, and for me that was as REAL as anything. (much like Tom Hanks in "Monsters and Mazes")
So one average teenage summer afternoon I began a new quest in my buddies basement - that's the basement of his house, not a metaphor - along with a few other friends.
I was a dwarf. A strong, proud, virgin dwarf.
Shortly after I began the quest I took refuge at a tavern and a local wench caught my fancy. I decided to drink heavily to gain confidence. I wanted to give her the ole "sword in the stone" if you know what I'm saying ;)
The Game Master made me roll to see if I would score. I rolled...poorly.
Long story short, after a series of terrible, terrible rolls, I became very drunk, got my dwarf dick stuck in a tree and eventually starved to death.
But hey, I didn't die a virgin.
and CallMeTheDoctor, for the final fatherly quote at the end.
I was 15 and was the victim of Girl on Guy rape...which sounds awesome, but let me explain. I had just had reconstructive nose surgery and was discharged from the hospital, and I was brought home by my parents and put to bed. While asleep, a girl that I had been "dating" for maybe a week came to visit me. So, long story short, I wake up cumming with her riding on top of me. I worst part is that when I woke up it scared both of us and she head-butted me right in the nose. So in the fun mix of semen, blood and tears, I had to walk downstairs and have my parents drive me back to the hospital. As I was being put back under for surgery, my dad turns to me and says, "Your face looks like a road map to Uruguay, but at least you got laid"
Congratulations to all the winners. Consider making movies about your own experiences.