I remember the days when Burger King used to mock McDonald's and their Chicken McNuggets(TM?), introducing their competing chicken tenders by going on about how they weren't "shaped" pieces, a statement which was, at best, deceptive. Because somehow those tenders ended up all being pretty much the same shape. What I think they meant was that it wasn't all ground up and compressed.
"Ain't nothing like the real thing, baby" was the tagline (paraphrased from Coke's tagline, somewhat), and they even mocked McD's attempt to turn McNuggets into faux Chinese food (a brilliantly awful move, objectively speaking, and one they'd likely never do today for the same reasons that the Red Dawn remake doesn't have Chinese villains; but it seemed cool to kids at the time).
(Even then, I knew calling sweet & sour and hot mustard "all new" sauces was a big fat lie)
Time tells the tale - nobody really does "tenders" any more, because we as a society decided a while back that we liked "strips" better, mainly because strips tended to be bigger, and this is America dammit. But times are a changin' again, and now the nugget is back. It's taken Burger King like three decades, but they've finally understood that in this particular category, imitation beats innovation. Just anecdotally, I've noticed that even three-year-olds know how to say "chicken nuggets," but I've never heard a single one say "strips" or "tenders."
When McDonald's switched their McNuggets to "all white meat," did you miss the greasy, dark-meat composite versions? I did. I'm not saying BK's are from the dark side of the bird, not completely anyway, but they bring back the greasy, smooshed-together chunks in batter sensation that old-school Chicken McNuggets used to have. Oh, and that whole thing mocking McNuggets for going Chinese? One of the new sauces BK has is called "Kung Pao." Or, as my palate knows it, hoisin. Beyond that, there's a "roast jalapeno barbecue" which tastes like regular barbecue with some heat added. It's not going to satisfy spice fiends, but as a gateway drug for kids, it could work. Then there's also "zesty," the onion-ring sauce that tastes to my tongue like Thousand Island meets horseradish. Plus all the usual options: buffalo, ranch, non-jalapeno barbecue, etc. Be forewarned that the jalapeno barbecue is in limited quantities; at lunchtime yesterday, I apparently got their last one, because, they say, everyone prefers the regular version. Everyone is wrong.
But as Burger King steps up, Jack in the Box continues their downward slide. I've been annoyed at JITB ever since they introduced "Seasoned While It Cooks" to all their burgers - translation being "More fuckin' salt added to this sumbitch than you can motherfuckin' handle, BEEYATCH!", which killed my adoration of the Ultimate Cheeseburger. Jack still does the best jalapeno poppers of almost any restaurant, fast food or otherwise, but their new chicken nuggets? McMediocre...at best.
The first misstep is breading instead of batter. This makes for more crunch, less flavor. The bigger misstep is the processed chicken blend, a consistent kind of pasty thing. It does not beat "greasy lumps compressed together." You'd think most things could. Stick to the grilled chicken, Jack. The pita sandwich is still your best and most unique spin on bird breast.
Also, bust out some new sauces if you want to step to the King, let alone the clown.
But maybe I'm unduly swayed - my Burger King just got in one of those Coke machines that has five flavors of every Coke product, including Mello Yello Zero, which I did not know existed. Peach Mello Yello? You had me at Mello.
Although I don't see the relevance of fast food reviews on this site, I'm not really against them. All the folk kicking off need to wait til they come off their periods before they comment.
The thing that really sucks though is that I'm uk based so all of these "Offers" or what not don't apply.
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Hahaha I saw a commercial for these for the first time last night. As my eyes lit up in happiness my lovely lady immediately jumped up, sprinted towards me, slapped her hand over my mouth, looked piercingly into my eyes and said NO. In my unshakable opinion nothing, and I don't care what anyone says, NOTHING beats Whataburger. I love that place like hillbillies love Jesus.
Ha, I like to do fast food and such reviews on one of my own sites, so seeing this here makes me smile (and if anyone cares, the fare I take in is generally Canadian, so I don't think Luke and I are going to overlap much).
That said, I can't fault the Shanghai McNuggets; I think they came with neat coins, and they introduced me to chopsticks and the hot mustard sauce-- my favorite to this day.
Also jealous that you have a Freestyle with Mello Yello. Checked one out at the Wendy's here, and because there's no Mello Yello in Canada, the machines don't have it, either. =( Go figure... I remember reading that a lot of the flavors in the machine were from foreign markets, so you'd think they'd use the machines to spread more of the love around.
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Why the hell are you pimping non nerd food here? Christ this place has gone to shit over the last couple of months.
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Awesome! I don't know why, but I love these food articles. I hate BK, but I still really enjoyed this article.
I remember when BK was a top tier fast food joint in my hometown. Now i know of only two now in my city. I think the food got worse and they rose their prices which made for a perfect storm.
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Noooooo!!!! Can we go back to "crazy japanese things", "acts of nerdery" or even dare I say it "Dr Who" news. FAST FOOD? Really. How much do you weigh man? Cause I know most of us nerds are overweight and the last thing we need is more ads to make us want bad for you food. How about this if you are going to mention food make it nerd specific please.
I appreciate articles like "Pepsi Chicken Potato Chips: Now China Even Beats Us at Junk Food!" The very informative "5 Foods You Didn't Know You Could Get from Vending Machines" and my favorite the one about the Poop Burger or Robocop doing a Ramen commercial.
Heck if you are going to talk about food share some nerd themed dishes or restaurants. It just looks like you are advertising this garbage.
Shame on ya'll for humoring him.
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@IamSamJackson Somehow I don't think the companies will be quoting me in their ads.
"greasy, smooshed-together chunks!" -Topless Robot. Ringing endorsement?
I get you're not a fan of these. Feel free to express that. I don't think one a week should be the end of the world, though.
@LYT It is okay. It is your ship to steer. So once a week I'll say "Oh crap, here is another fast food review" Hahahaha. Don't worry I'll post more constructive and less "complainey" stuff. Oh and for anyone who thinks I'm a Rob purist, I mean, he didn't really say anything inspiring or gospel worthy. I mean most of his posts involved (insert nerd news or pic here) followed by "It gave me a boner" or "made me wet" TMI for my taste but the link, pic, story connected usually was great, minus his comments. So nothing I can't do without. But he found the best pics and articles. LYT I think you need a little more help in this regard. Otherwise I do like your writing style and can do without FFF.
@IamSamJackson There'll be some original content next week that I think and hope will be pleasing to most.
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@IamSamJackson Luke's not Rob and not trying to be. I confess I miss Rob, but I don't think it's entirely fair to judge Luke too harshly at this point. Why not let make his mark on the site and if we don't like all of the changes, we can sneak off to that other place and look in on Rob.
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@James.k.Polk @IamSamJackson No need to sneak. There's plenty of room in cyberspace for both me and Rob ( I liked his commentary on my Army of Frankensteins post). Bear in mind that just as Rob has fans who will follow him over there, I have existing readers who followed me here. I'd like to think we can all cross-pollinate.
@doctor_mindbender @Walnot @LYT @James.k.Polk @IamSamJackson I came here (and dared the new comment system) specifically to say this.
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@Walnot @LYT @James.k.Polk @IamSamJackson Rob went to io9.
And the thought of Rob and Luke "cross-pollinating" sounds like the most horrifying FFF ever.
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@arivalscientist The KFC popcorn chicken that exists today is not a patch on the version that first came out. Though I suspect it kills you less swiftly.
@LYT @arivalscientist Ohhhh man, I looooved those batter coated pieces of string chicken that was the original KFC popcorn chicken..........it was like a box of fried chicken skin goodness........then some asshole sued and now we have the current incarnation, still delicious, but nowhere near the deathly fried goodness that it was
@arivalscientist There is a soft spot in my cholesterol-clogged heart for Long John Silvers' chicken planks. Must be ordered with extra batter crumb thingies and eaten sans any sauces or other adornation. (adornment?)
@James.k.Polk Drives me nuts that LA TV stations advertise LJS constantly, and there are NONE within city limits.
@LYT @James.k.Polk Dude, I live in Vermont. 90% of our commercials are for things that aren't even in the state.
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Oddly, I first learned how to eat with chopsticks thanks to the instructions that came with Chicken McNuggets Shanghai.
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wow, i see the kingdom's fallen on hard times. too little too late though. i can't remember the last time i set foot in a BK and now i'm like, if i want the fast food crap, i'll go straight to the "real" thing at macdonald's and not an even more "fake" version of food.
@DrAbraxas actually ingredent wise there completely identical the only difference is the oil there deepfryed in.
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@DrAbraxas At least at Mickey D's, they have the fake fancy coffee and the fake fancy salads and the fake fancy wraps, so you can lie to yourself and pretend it's real food.
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BK has always kind of been the retarded cousin of the fast food restaurant universe, but I will admit I used to love their chicken. Now that it's the same styrochickenfoam as everywhere else, my apathy will only grow.
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love your fast food reviews - something different for the site - after all we have to eat
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Wait! Does this mean they got rid of the chicken tenders, and it's just chicken strips and nuggets now? In my honest opinion, next to the whopper, that was the best item on the menu!
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I just checked the BK website-- and it's gone! It has cease to be, it is bereft of life, it's an ex-tender!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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@TheConjurerOfCheapTricks Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to mourn the passing of Chicken Tender, our beloved friend, who came to our aid in many an ill-advised munchie run. His memory will remain with us, much as his preservatives remain in our veins, forever into eternity. God grant ye rest.
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@rabidronnie @TheConjurerOfCheapTricks :weeps: they were so brave, going down in the line of duty like that. all dipped in bbq!
@Canadian.Scott Your assumption is wrong :) I'm mildly amused and disturbed by this article about the different nuances and tastes and greasiness levels of chicken nuggets. I guess this is not as strange to Americans as it is to me as an European, so I will excuse anyone's inability to see my point ;) Kind of reminds me of those ridculous MRE-reviews on YT.
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I remembered the first time I saw a Jack in the Box when I went to San Diego. My thought at the time was WTF.
Anywho. All you need to remember is that the more processed it is the more cells are damaged and the more nutrients are removed or rendered indigestible.
Nerd news, humor and self-loathing. Edited by Luke Y. Thompson
