I was a huge transformers and he-man nut as a kid (still am).  One weekend my parents went to Tiajuana, Mexico and thought they'd surprise me with some action figures.  Hah..it was totally a "surprise".  They didn't even resemble their characters As far as the "action" in action figures goes, some parts would get stuck, maybe an arm would move, and the transformers wouldn't even transform!

The worst toys I've owned have to be the very first Toy Biz Marvel figures. They were "Legends" among crappy toys. The absolute worst was the Wolverine figure (brown and tan) and the"Quick Change" Iron Man. Wolverine had a removable mask and pop out claws, but both were poorly executed. Unmasked Wolverine's facial expression was the one you'd imagine Logan would make if Omega Red had shoved an adamantium tentacle up Logan's ass. And the "armored up" Iron Man was a 3D embodiment of one of the worst concepts in comic book history: teen Tony Stark as Iron Man. The armor was HUGE, yet Tony's limbs were left unsheathed, and thus looked woefully out of scale. Thankfully, Toy Biz made me almost completely forget these atrocities years later with their epic run of true "Marvel Legends."

As a child I had some of the best action figures because I had to compete with all the neighborhood kids (all boys). The worst toy ever was when the family went on vacation in France and realized their 4 yr daughter had nothing to preoccupy herself with, so they bought me a "Snorkle" Alien looking dude that rides around on sea horses. Yeah ...about as life accomplishing as Aquaman. I think that toy actually became a handed down toy to my younger sibling

As a child of the 70s, I had a ton of Star Wars figures. Unfortunately, I had to rely on people purchasing my figures for me for birthdays and Christmas which meant that I rarely got a decent figure. I had a Yoda and a Snow Trooper and the occasional figure that came with a play set or vehicle. I had far more vehicles and play sets than figures for some reason. But my least favorite figure I never even noticed in Empire until a few weeks ago.  

That would be the FX-7 Medical Assistant Droid. Yeah, not even a full medical droid, no, he went to the 6-week droid school you see advertised during Judge Judy. 

He's a gray plastic tube with a flat head and 9 plastic, arms with no articulation. Yeah, this was a Christmas gift to a 6 year old. W. T. F?  I was able to use him with my GI Joes, he made great target practice. But I never really used him with my Star Wars toys. Yeah, he wasn't worth playing with my Snow Trooper or, God forbid, Yoda.

http://i.imgur.com/wtyeJRf.jpg

What happened to him? Easy. He stuck around. None of my cousins wanted to steal him, none of the kids my mom babysat wanted him either. I couldn't get rid of the bastard! Honestly, it wasn't until 2002 that I got rid of him. My mom had passed away and I was cleaning out her house. In one of my old boxes, FX-7 was there. Laughing at me. I threw him away. 

Well, I thought I did. Last week I was cleaning out a closet and ran across a box. He was inside. I have no idea how I avoided getting rid of him. I swear I did. HE WAS IN THE TRASH CAN! I know he was! Well, I took care of him this time! He went in the box to Goodwill. 

Except, he's now sitting on the shelf. Next to my Homer bobblehead. How did that happen? Where Did He COme From?  He's staring at me! MOcking ME! 

someone.. help.. me..

The worst toy I ever owned was a Destro (V2) action figure.  The toy was awesome, probably my favorite toy ever!  And definitely the best action figure I ever owned.  He had that swooping cloth cape and golden sword.  My favorite part was how the sword could be holstered to his leg and free up his hands so he could drive trucks, steal other guys' weapons, or hang from things while still having the sword underneath his cape.  This meant that no matter where I was or what other figures I was playing with, Destro was there.  And then, while playing with him on the toilet and about to finish up, I dropped him.  In the toilet.  I was about 6 years old and my first panicked thought was to wrap my hand in toilet paper and dive in after him.  It felt like a stroke of ingeniousness; surely the toilet paper would shield my hand.  Sufficed to say, it didn't.  I began dry heaving as Destro sunk a little more. So I dragged more TP off the roll and across the bowl with my dry hand, then wrapped it around the already disgusting, soggy mess.  If my first attempt was ingenious then surely I just needed to redouble my efforts and add more toilet paper.  The wet mess around my hand wasn't going anywhere anyway.  The second dip in wasn't as shocking.  There was no heaving, just a swift sifting motion through the poop.  But then again, I still had a soggy bandage of B.M. wrapped around my hand, twice over, which then had to be removed.  So there was that, too.  But all of this for Destro (V2) seemed necessary!  Like, without question or hesitation.  I mean, this was THAT kind of action figure!  And that's why he was the worst toy I ever owned.  Not because he wasn't cool.  In fact, he was so cool that I couldn't stop playing with him even though the thought of him made me feel ill.  Remember that awesome cloth cape?  I did.  I couldn't forget it.  It dried within the hour but it always brought to mind that awful TP-gloved attempt and the subsequent peeling off of the soggy mess it became.  On a bi-weekly basis Destro would still get dumped out of the G.I. Joe container with that day's combatants, but after being set up at his post he wouldn't be played with much; his exploits became less and less of driving trucks or stealing weapons, and more of just sitting around keeping watch.  But never on an eating surface!  Usually at the other end of the couch or near the lamp so I wouldn't accidentally leave him out after cleaning up when finished.  I never threw him out, but when I was caught playing with bleach in an attempt to sanitize him, my mom finally got to hear the story of what had happened to this beloved toy I was regularly seen with in the house. After which she suggested it best to retire Destro (V2).  I couldn't.  He was Destro, Version 2! So she threw him out for me since I was pretty keen on still trying to bleach him.  All said and done, he really was the worst toy I ever owned.  Not because he sucked, heck no!  But because Destro forced me to realize just how far I'd go for him.  What disgustingness I'd submit myself to.  And once I crossed that line I couldn't ever take it back, nor forget how far I'd actually gone.  But I'll also never forget him, Destro (V2), my favorite worst action figure. 

Looking back, I have fucked up childhood friends...  The least favorite action figure I ever had was the GI JOE Serpentor Cobra Emperor with Air Chariot.   The Air Chariot was a heavy metal golden snake wave rider, Serpentor himself was okay, but the cloak was just a piece of foam mesh that looked horribly cheap and tacky.  I got it for my birthday when I was 6.  I didn't really care for Serpentor, because when you have Cobra Commander no other terrorist leader will suffice, but I was happy to get a new toy.   My best bud Niel was a couple of years older than me and when he found out I got a Serpentor figure he told me, "You do know those are cursed right?  Cause  Serpentor comes alive at night..."  He makes bullshit stories about kids being killed by snakes after playing with the it, the toy coming to life and stalking its owner, and a whole slew of nightmarish crap.  A night later I'm at his place for a sleepover, when I go to my sleeping bag, I find Serpentor covered in (fake) blood with BBQ skewers in its hands.  Niel says "Oh shit, Serpentor's real!"  I freak out and smash the toy.  When I go back home I find Serpentor on my desk with a note saying "I can break my toys too."  Niel apparently bought a Serpentor toy also and set up the whole thing to mess with me and being a young kid at the time I feel for it completely.  Oh for the next month kept playing the same Serpentor Rises from the grave for revenge schtick for shits and giggles.  Despite childhood terror of a crappy toy, I'm glad I have friends like Niel to keep things interesting.

My worst toy stories are kind of boring.  Of all the toys I've owned, I think I'd give Transformers Revenge of the Fallen Scalpel the nod for worst.  Total piece of shit.  Can't support its own weight.  Microscope mode is worse than Perceptor.  The legs pop out.  I lost two of the legs for a year, then found them.  I was going to eBay the little bastard when I realized all the ball sockets for his legs had cracked.  Just garbage, and so disappointing, because Ejector, the transforming demon toaster is made of awesome.

So, instead, I'd rather tell some stories that ALMOST went badly.

First up is Man-At-Arms from MOTU.  I dithered and dithered, and finally decided to get into MOTU.  I knew I'd be obsessive and want to Collect Them All, so the hurdle to purchase that first one was pretty high.  I finally talked myself into it, and selected Man-At-Arms because going with He-Man first would be boring.  It was the dawn of a new day and I was pretty psyched.

So, back in the car, my mom asks "What's that?"

"It's an action figure."

"An action figure, huh?  Let me see."

My dad was driving, so I passed Man-At-Arms carefully up to my mom in the front seat.

"An ACTION figure.  What is his action?"  

It's at this point that I notice my mom is applying some evil yoga position to Man-At-Arms, trying to twist his leg around the back of his head.  If you never had MOTU, now is the time to tell you that the legs were connected through the torso by rubber connectors that were not meant to stretch like that.  My new figure now looked like a slingshot.

"GIVE IT BACK!"

"What?  What'd I do?  I just wanted to see it make some ACTION."

I never let my mother touch my MOTU again.  If the figure had a particularly good gimmick, I'd show her, but never let her touch.  The better the gimmick, the more she'd approve and say "Now THAT'S more like it."

Manglord - I'd seen the commercials.  This was no ordinary action figure, this technological wonder was a figure that you could tear apart, and then put it back together like it was almost new!  A self-healing action figure... one which could lose a limb in a battle with my other figures, and yet be made whole again for the next adventure!

When I got it for my ninth birthday, I was elated!  I pulled out Manglord.  He was really squishy, and smelled bad, but, none of that mattered.  I stretched Manglord's arm out.  I could see the material he was made from begin to tear.  My excitement built as the arm ripped free from the rest of the figure.  Then came the time to witness a miracle.  Per the instructions, I dipped the torn arm into warm, soapy water to re-attach.

I pushed the arm into place... and it promptly fell off.  I tried it again.  It stayed in place for maybe a second and a half, and then fell off again.  Maybe I got one with a defective arm.  I tore off a leg and tried it.  It fell off.  I'd been lied to.  This was no magical action figure... this was a rip-off.

My father repackaged the toy and took it back to the store and got the money back.  A week or so later, I got to buy something with that money, but I'd never forget being decieved for my ninth birthday.  To this day, almost 30 years later, I still hate Manglord.

Iron Man (Quick Change Armor)! 1991

 The armor looked horrible and reveal of bare-chested Tony Stark underneath was totally creepy!

Plus the detachable armor consisted of a helmet, chestplate, arm bands and leg bands...

Hard to remove and place on the figure...Easy to lose!

The worst actions figure I ever had as a kid would have to be Nomad from the RAMBO and the Forces of Freedom toy line from the 80's. 

Let me explain why he was the worst:  First off my brother and I were pretty blessed in the fact as kids our next door neighbor kid was several years older so they would always give us his toys. Well on that day my brother had ratted me out for doing something stupid, my mom had told me to go outisde and play.   While outside my neighbors Mother had brought these toys over.  Since my brother was not in trouble he decided to take everything except the Nomad toy.

Since I was in trouble and banished to outside that I was getting a broke Nomad.  So he ripped his head off and removed one of his legs. He came outside with his hands behind his back and asked what I was doing and could I close my eyes he had a surprise for me.  As I closed my eyes and then opened he threw the pieces of the Nomad toy at me and hit me in the eye.   He had thrown it so hard and hit my eye that it was starting to swell up.  I ran in crying to my mom and as she tried to get me to calm down.  The result was a hospital trip for a detached retina and 2 weeks bed rest.

My least favorite action figure is also my (now, for nostalgic reasons) favorite.

As I kid, I was not allowed to play with 'real' guns, but sci-fi lasers were okay, because they were 'pretend'. This led to a situation where my parents allowed me to have Star Wars action figures, but not G.I. Joe. Go figure.

It was so bad that I had to use my mad VCR skills to record the G.I. Joe cartoon while the TV was off. Sneaky!

Anyway, when I was in the 2nd grade, we moved to a new town, and the kid down the street was a massive G.I. Joe collector. He had it all - he even had the USS Flagg! Oh, how I loved to go over to his place after school and play with those amazingly articulated 3 3/4" soldiers...who had real guns! He had so many figures, in fact, that when his folks bought him a duplicate figure, he gave it to me! I was really excited, praying that my folks would let me keep it! I eagerly opened the package, dreaming of all the violent war games I could soon interact, and my eyes fell upon...

...Barbecue. The firefighter. Who had no guns. Just an axe and a firefighting foam backpack. 

Are you serious?! A firefighter!? Ugh...my dreams were dashed.

Fittingly, Barbecue met an inglorious end, as I broke the fingers off his right hand trying to wedge a Star Wars rifle into it... After that he could hold his axe or his...foam...gun...sprayer...thing...

My least favorite action figure ever is the one that I am straight up convinced tried to actively murder me. Twice.

The figure? Paladin Alexander Anderson from Hellsing. 

http://www.amazon.com/Hellsing-Alexander-Andersong-Action-Figure/dp/B0006FU9AA/ref=sr_1_10?s=toys-and-games&ie=UTF8&qid=1359792048&sr=1-10&keywords=hellsing

I was visiting a local media store that was going to close in a few months. My friends really loved it, but I'd never really gone there prior to this.

We browsed, checked out anime and wallscrolls, bought overpriced japanese snacks like true anime-loving teens did, we were such losers, lemme tell you. To me, what stuck out was a figure of Paladin Anderson from Hellsing. If you haven't seen it, he's a badass. throws limitless amounts of knives from some god-given magic dimension, says prayers in engrish, and can survive being shot in the head. If that's not cool enough, guy can teleport through flurries of blessed bible pages and use said pages to lock vampires in houses for him to brutally murder (in the name of Jesus) and bathe in their blood. 

Being a teenager, I loved the guy. The figure goes for nearly $60 on amazon, I got mine for $8, sweet discount!

I got home that night and was so giddy. I took Anderson (who was my first anime figure, btw) and stood him up on my TV, blade in each hand, creepy smile on his face, glasses gleaming as he stared at my bed. 

All was silent for two days. 

On the third day, I was playing gamecube, still as death, when out of nowhere, WHAM he flies headfirst off my TV, down onto my gamecube, knocking the black 'gamecube' logo piece out of the console entirely. Slowly, I retrieved him and realized he'd snapped one of the blades in the process. 

Annoyed, I took him, put some putty on his feet, and stood him up on my monitor, last blade still in his hand. I played gamecube for a few more hours, and before bed, decided to chat with some friends over MSN chat. during the chat, WHAM, he flew headfirst off my monitor, lodged his OTHER blade into my keyboard and snapped it in half. The blade was stuck between the 'j' and the 'h' also known as exactly where my hand sits.

I took his weapons away, exchanged his hands for the open palms, put them behind his back, and put him on my bookcase, far from my other figures. You know... just in case. 

To this day, every time I clean him or when I move, I don't feel right setting him up. He kinda creeps me out. A lot. 

 As a kid I was all about Transformers. At the top of my worst action figure list I was considering windshield for a face G1 Ironhide, he was fairly lame but due to my Mom's lack of consistency with gift purchases I would have to give the top spot to Long Haul. As that is all of the Constructicons I got, Long Haul! So during my cybertronian battles Megatron would command "LONG HAUL, merge and become Devastator's crotch!!" Does not exactly instill your enemies with much fear, No?

The Worst Toy? Almost every toy i ever got or bought from the 99 cent store. These cheap knock offs that were poorly made and possibly lead based painted from the fly by night stores in my city. These He-Man fake molds which broke faster than when they were torn from the package. The thin plastic silver coated robots that shatter when dropped two feet from the ground. How about the action figures where they had no action parts, EVER, just one solid piece of rubber with a bad paint job where the eyes of the toy are so crossed that you play as if the character had brain damage. this also goes for the toys i find in a Latino, Asian or American cheep Bazaar i ever gone to as well. Pathetic worthless toys i wish i just saved my money to get a good toy, but then again, i was a dumb ignorant kid.

barbies I would chew the hands off and whack them on random things trying to purposely break them DIE BARBIE DIE !!  I would be quite happy when the limbs got floppy.  I would also do head transplants and rip off entire limbs . I know they are not action figures but I have never liked getting barbie  stuff.

Worst toy ever? How about top three worst toys ever and all from the same aunt who was a religious fanatic. These are in no particular order, but just a lack of care and effort she put forth overtime. #3 The Christian Soldier - I barely remember this guy, but he was terrible and stupid looking. Dressed like some kind of Roman soldier from probably during the reign of Christian emperors he had terrible articulation, an idiotic face, and was way out of scale with my MOTU figures. Basically he was the loser of the MOTU Heroic warriors. Even lamer than Zodac. On his first mission he had the honor of being captured, tortured, and dismembered by Skeletor and Triclops in an attempt to learn the secrets of Grayskull. He died with honor never revealing a thing mostly because no one cared to share anything with him. #2 Was David vs Goliath set. I'll admit it wasn't total garbage. David was in scale with GI Joe and Goliath definitely was in near scale with my MOTU Evil warriors. David was so flimsy he broke apart and was trash can fodder. Goliath on the other hand served Skeletor well going toe-to-toe with Ram-Man. Of course his place of honor was mostly because my parents couldn't buy me tons of MOTU figures, but once I got Cobra Khan with his sweet squirt-gun feature and Whiplash his his tail-swinging gimmick, Goliath's days were soon numbered. He was much sturdier than Christian soldier and David. Basically he had to withstand the hammer of justice as the gods of Eternia punished him severely for trying to infiltrate the inner chambers of Grayskull. #1 Was a paper diorama Noah's Ark thing. I hate to actually call it a toy, but basically she got cheap and said it was a Christmas present for both my sister and I. It was more like a pop-up book thank anything. Completely useless. I basically told my sister to keep it. Funny thing, she was a more gracious person than I. She quietly pretended to appreciate it and then later tossed in behind her desk. So yeah, I love my aunt dearly, but she didn't really understand what kids like. She just felt those were things we needed to help steer us on the righteous path.

Star Wars figures were great in the 70s and 80s.  At their prime and selling like hot cakes.  Some say Lando was the coolest in the whole galaxy.  I couldn't argue with that.  But Lando really pissed me off at the end of Empire Strikes Back.  Why the hell is he wearing Han Solo's outfit.  It psychotic when you think about it.  Like some crazy girlfriend who stole some of her ex-boyfriends clothes and makes her current boyfriend wear them.  I mean come on Lando!  Not all smugglers wear white shirts, a black vest, and navy blue pants with a red strip up the side.

Well of course you know where this is going.  My parents got me this figure because I was collecting all of them.  I had them all on a shelf for display.  I got this figure and had to put him on the shelf because my parents would wonder why I didn't if I didn't put him up.  So there he is, standing right next to Han Solo,  Lando Calrissian wearing the exact same outfit.  I brought disgrace to my shelf.   

I remember the original Star Wars figures, as I was 8 years old, and really READY for them after seeing the movie a dozen times.  The fact that C-3PO was painted shut and couldn't move his arms and legs wasn't so terrible, but even as I child, I remember saying "Why does Han Solo look more like Ric Ocasek from The Cars?"  This was before the "reprint" version, and I remember being legitimately upset about how horribly disfigured this figure's face was, but I still ventured on, playing as if it were really Harrison Ford.  I eventually handed all my toys to my nephew (after buying a second Han.. oddly enough, at a second hand store. GET IT?)  

Of course, this isn't the reason I hated this figure.  The reason is that if I HADN'T PLAYED WITH IT, AND LEFT IT IN THE ORIGINAL CASE, I"D BE A QUADRILLIONAIRE RIGHT NOW.  Well, a couple hundred, anyway. 

My least favorite figure was Skin Man, the zombie from the Swamp Thing cartoon. I got him, along with a tape of, for all I know, the only actual episode of the show. Here's why he sucked. That bastard was the coolest looking thing in my whole chest. Big, bulging glow in the dark eyes, bits of skin hanging off his back and shoulders, and a creey, skeletal hands with these long bony fingers. By rights, shoulda been the best toy ever. But the face remained that, for all the nice little bells and whistles, he was still a rail-thin little zombie dude, with no weapons, and his only accessory was this little finger puppet thing that made his whole upper body into this bat-wolf head that couldn't stand on it's own power, and I lost that anyway.. So even though he was the best looking, scarriest thing I owned, I could never take him as more than a mook when it came to my regular titanic clashes of good and evil. I used to lay all my figures on the floor in these big, two-page splash battle scenes, see, so I'd have Wolverine belting Undertaker in the mouth, Space Usagi and Gowron sword fighting, Toy Biz Flash laying into Dr. Blight...ans skin man, off in a corner. Honestly, who was he gonna fight, and not get stomped by? So he'd end up already beaten up, or held over someone's head, or draped over somebody's shoulders in a desperate attempt at relevance. If I were a smarter kid, I'd have made him the manipulator from the shadows, the leader nobody suspected. But, alas, I was a kid who took muscles mass as synonymous with story progression, and the zombie ended up wasted and unused, a mess of lost potential, both in his meticulous crafting and my own lack of imagination, until my cousin, a hyperliteralist and something of a troll, buried him in the back yeard because he was dead, and that's where dead things go. I wish I'd been more moved at his loss. Dumb ol' Skin Man

After searching for ages, stalking out Wal-Marts for many late nights/early mornings and finally locating a Party Angela figure from Spawn series 2, getting it home, ripping the package open like a pervert, and discovering that no, it wasn't a miraculously, anatomically correct figure that would rock my world. No, it was just a hunk of 'flesh' colored plastic, in the crotchal aread, as everyone was saying all along.

It just wasn't worth the bother.

My worst action figure was the Star Wars Gonk Droid. Basically a plastic box on two legs that made a ratcheting noise when the legs were moved (how is THAT fun?). I'm sure I received as a birthday present when I was 7-9 by some well-meaning relative. Now my nephews have it. (And for some odd reason, new versions of this toy are still being released.)

The worst toy I ever got as a child was Moss Man from the He-man master of the universe series. My parents knew that I loved He-man and thought it would be great to get me a GREEN fuzzy figure for Christmas that smelled supposedly like a Christmas tree. When I opened this worthless crappy looking figure, the combination of pine scent filling my nose and the stupid look of joy on my parents face.... like they just gave me the greatest gift of all absolutely sent me into a deep depression. He didn't look intimating, he looked like the ECO version of Beast Man. I threw him in my toy drawer where I kept all my figures. Little did I know that the combination overnight of Stinkor and Moss Man scent being trapped in a small wooden box would create a smell so vial that we had to burn the dresser and everything in it. It still haunts me to this day.

When I was 10, my grandmother casually mentioned that she had bought me a really cool 'playset' that came with castles, fiery chariots and soldiers. I was ecstatic. As I opened her gift however, I was stunned to discover a book of cut-out paper dolls, featuring "the life and times of the prophet Elijah." That was a tough 'toy' to own. Every time I wanted to play with it, I felt like I had to say a prayer first, and end playtime by saying "amen." The set would tear easy and didn't last very long. Eventually, whatever was left of the prophet Elijah was captured and trapped by my Real Ghostbusters figures. His final words were "Death is but a door. Time is but a window. I'll be back."

UGHHHHHH MUTATIN' LEONARDO!!!! What a stupid, ridiculous idea! "Now Leo has the perfect disguise for sneaking up on the unsuspecting Foot Clan." Right, cause everyone knows how vicious BABY TURTLES are?!!?? I especially like the design genius who came up with the idea for the back legs to just stretch up to become the front, and the "new" back legs to be floppy soft plastic things that just kind of dangle out the side of his ass. I must admit the pizza-turned ninja star idea was pretty neat... though it's probably not a good sign if the pizza accessory is the coolest part of your action figure. I'm pretty sure I got frustrated trying to make him morph, and ended up chucking him over the fence at the Pentecostal church that was behind my house growing up.

Check this mess out: http://www.tmnttoys.com/92figures/mutations1/5221.htm

I didn't really have many action figures aside from She-Ra when I was young. My parents are very much into traditional gender rolls and girls aren't supposed to play with toys that encourage fighting. As a teenager I started buying my own figures and toys (mostly Star Wars). While I was at basic training my mom gave them to my nephew, then age 2, but said it was okay because she took away the weapons and small parts. Worst purchase ever on my part (should have waited until i had somewhere else to store them) and in a way it served me right for trusting my parents (still convinced it was my punishment for not being very traditionally feminine).

Weebles. I hate F%*%(*g Weebles. Those Damn things wobble but they NEVER  EVER fall down.  Growing up  My uncle had a country house up north and I got to spend a summer up there.  So I packed my Bags 1 for clothes 2 for toys. They didn't have TV up there so i knew I was going to be responsible for my own entertainment. The only problem was when we left. my Toy bags were left in the hall way of our apartment. So for 2 week (until my Parent came back up) I had nothing to do but play with the toys that were there. A box of 30 Weebles, Orange tracks for Hot wheels cars (but no actual cars) and a tin Flute (which was quickly taken away from me when it became apparent I had No proficiency for the instrument. ..

Needless to say after the 9th day I had taken to throwing the Weebles into the Lake, Some would sink other would float, but with the waves they would all end up back on shore by the next morning.. 

Weebles THEY DONT FALL DOWN OR DROWN!

http://www.plaidstallions.com/hasbro/weebles.jpg

HAte Hate HAte.

I never had action figures because they were, as my father put it, "a waste of money." That won't win me anything except for John Morey's pity, so...a gobot, because it was a gobot. Nobody likes those, right? It went to gobot heaven.

Growing up with a mass amount of wrestling figures, and if my parents or any adult was going to get me anything toy-related it had to be WWF and WCW action figures. Galoob, Hasbro, Jakks, LJN, you name it I had close to complete collections as they were arriving on the shelves. One day my moms friend and neighbor drops by and says she has a present for me. Something along the lines of "I know you like to play with those wrestling dolls, so I got you something to add to your collection." Those words are like candy to a fat kid and I suckled from the teat for a moment until she pulls a f*cking My Little Pony doll out of her bag and hands it to me. That purple,pink, and god knows what else colored stood in the corner of my toy box until on day I decided to burn the thing to a puddle of plastic. Sadly, I was caught with the lighter. 

Zap. As in, the original bazooka soldier from the original 8, 3 1/2 inch, 1982 G.I. Joes. Ya wannna know why? Because his goddamn thumbs broke off. So, my brother and I got another one. And then HIS goddamn thumbs broke off. How the hell is Zap supposed to fire a bazooka with no thumbs? Huh? Hasbro? Can you tell me that? HOW THE FUCK IS THE BAZOOKA SOLDIER SUPPOSED TO FIRE HIS GODDAMN BAZOOKA AT TERRORISTS WHO WANT TO TAKE OVER THE FUCKING COUNTRY IF HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY FUCKING THUMBS???!!!

So, yeah. Zap.

The worst figure ever was Dusty from GI Joe.  He never really served any purpose!  So when I was younger I buried him in Play-doh and left him overnight.  The Play-doh solidified turing Dusty into a GI Joe fossil.  Eventually once he was chiseled, he carried that gross dried Play-doh smell until the day I finally discovered GI Joes could be taken apart with that one screw in their back....

Because I have an older brother who was also into action figures at a young age while i was still Fisher-Pricing, I inherited a small collection of masked heroes and soldiers that I couldn't even name when my brother graduated to big boy toys like... I dunno, bikes.  We had a few DC Super Powers with the capes that clipped around their necks (Wonder Woman was always in pristine condition, though I can't say whether it was out of respect for the lone female character or not wanting to siss-out with a "girl's toy"), even fewer Marvel Secret Wars figures (where every figure was a repaint of the same soft plastic with 5 articulated joints and a unique head, but they all uncomfortably resembled body-painted nude men), and then the real crown jewels: the GI Joes.  3 3/4" of maddeningly articulated commando fantasy.

Our dad worked as an engineer for an international corporation and we lived in a few far-flung countries for a year or two before moving to the next, and for two isolated Western kids trying to find their identities ANYWHERE there is nothing more "80s", "America", and testosterone-fueled as GI Joe.  GI Joe was the distillation of every Arnold and Sly movie, but with ninjas (The main badass was even American!  Nod to Michael Dudikoff there), fantasy tech, and more characters than mom and dad could afford.  Still, I was an adherent.  I collected Joes until I was in middle school when the themes became environmental (thanks Capt Planet) and every stitch of heroic uniform was painfully neon, but even then the Joe team would always be a major part of my growing up.  I would just pull out Hit n Run - who was covered in camouflage from head to toe - as a symbol of what used-to-be.  When I finally put my young man's things away I knew that I wouldn't see all of them again.  Garage sales.  Cousins.  Spring cleaning.  You name it - if only Cobra Commander and Destro knew how mundane the circumstances needed to eliminate the real American heroes.  A few survived - I protected them.  I kept them in my nightstand unbeknownst to the young ladies that had become my new priority.  I made sure they were armed and I kept their screws tight, for what - I don't know.

Hasbro must have known.  They must have felt the longing of 20- and 30-somethings to collect little badass men and women again.  When the 25th Anniversary Joes came out, I was 9 again - but this time I had daddy's money (figure of speech, I was now daddy).

Today I can lovingly gaze at 3 plastic cases of metaphorical 1980s boyhood: 1 of every Snake Eyes uniform to exist, 1 of the Cobra elite officers (selected for realism, including the SDCC Cobra Commander standing at a podium), and 1 of my surviving original nightstand Joes - now standing shoulder-to-shoulder with their remastered and ultra-detailed 25th Anniversary iterations.  I just hope Hasbro gets around to releasing the new Night Viper that they teased, because then I can tell my wife that I *MIGHT* be done.  

When I was a kid I loved Men in Black so I pleaded and pleaded with my parents to get me a men in black action figure and so my parents came home one night and gave me a action figure. I then found out it not to be agent K or agent J or even the goddamn puppy but no I got the police chief for ajent J before he became ajent J and was just a regular cop. Remember him? No? either did I or anyone else who had seen the film.

I collected LEGO as a kid.  I STILL collect LEGO.  It is as much a part of me as my Scottish Heritage is.

LEGO defined me as a kid. LEGO was my therapy when I was bullied in school.  I was know as "That LEGO nut" in college. LEGO was an outlet for my creativity. Becoming a member of an AFOL group helped me to come out of my shell. 

YET THERE ARE STILL ASSHOLES I KNOW WHO THINK Mega-Bloks ARE AN ACCEPTABLE EXCUSE FOR A BUILDING TOY!!!!!!!

 "It's just like Lego & the parts can be used with each other" they say..........  BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!! 

I made the mistake once of going to a yard sale & scored a great deal on a giant Rubbermaid tub of LEGO.  I took a quick look in the tub, seen parts for some Space, Castle & Aquazone sets I didn't have & bought it. 

 I was excited!! I had just doubled the size of my collection!!!

SON OF A BITCH BASTARD!!!!!  THE !#%^& TUB WAS 90% Mega-Bloks!!!!!   I WAS FURIOUS!!! 

 I refuse to contaminate my collection with inferior blocks.  I NEVER go to yard sales anymore because Mega-Bloks are out there.... lurking.... waiting for me to drop my guard....

I spent 3 weeks sorting, trying to salvage what I could. There was nothing of any real use in the tub.... and that isn't the worst part.

EVERY...

PIECE....

WAS.....

CHEWED!!!!!!!!!

This is a true story from my childhood.My dad has OCD as in actually diagnosed by a doctor not used as a common slang now a days for anal retentive people.When the Playmates Star Trek figures came out my dad became obsessed with getting every single figure made.I didn’t complain as I ended up with like 50 figures because of it.One of the figures I got was Guinan.You know the officially licensed  Whoopi Goldberg figure.The figure was so damn BORING!What kind of kid wants a Whoopi Goldberg figure?I had the badass borg with removable weapon arms, a Klingon warrior with a disruptor with real working holster, Romulan soldiers with a pistol and a type 3 phaser rifle and on top of that all the normal crew came with type 2 phasers.How does a Whoopi Goldberg with no weapons compare to that? Every time I played Star Trek with my sister I always made play as Whoopi Goldberg…every single damn time…Even Beverly Crusher could be fun because I used her to dope the hell out my crew members who got shot up (that neck injector thingy that she came with was pretty cool and saw lots of playtime)In the end I trade Whoopi away for a dollar towards a MOC POTF2 Jedi Luke in the late 90’s.

Raiders of the Lost Ark is one of my favorite movies.  The figures were good, but I got one that changed my life forever.  At a church toy drive, I was given the German Mechanic from Indiana Jones.  Otherwise known as the guy who got killed by the plane propeller.  This figure was crap.  A overweight shirtless German that came with a monkey wrench.  I had to research the figure and get to know more about these German mechanics.  

I submerged myself in German history as a kid.  And ever since then, I started going down the wrong paths. Even though this figure was crap I had to know its history.  I started hanging around mechanics and Germans, sooner or later I was hanging with German Mechanics.  I asked them about the character and how well he pulled off the German Mechanic character.  These men became my role models.  Not very good ones.  I got into drugs and grew a mustache.  Car oil was part of my hygiene routine.  I had gone off the deep end.

Overall, it was because some idiot donated that figure to the church toy drive function.  

Ok, it's not an action figure, I was a Lego kid growing up, so I didn't have action figures, I only recently started getting them. This is about an RC car I bought last year. It was the Batmobile in the stealth rides series. I bought it because I thought it was cool, took it out had to fidget with pulling the batteries out of those annoying sockets you can barely pull anything out. After awhile I had it running. The remote was a bit laggy, but nothing major. I was spinning it around the kitchen, swerving between the chairs. And then nothing. 15 minutes, and it was dead.
 
I didn't even crash it yet!

I checked the batteries, but it wasn't it. Fortunately I was able to get a refund.
Still, that was a flimsy toy.
 
http://www.amazon.com/Wheels-Stealth-Rides-Batmobile-Tumbler/dp/B00383NQR0

April o'Neil. And let me tell you why. When i was younger, i came from a church going family. Prayer was something that was taught and being the 7 year old that i was at the time i saw it as my Genie in a lamp. One night i remember praying after not being able to find an April O'Neil, "God, could you send me that action figure? i cant find it anywhere...and i really want it" The next day i awoke to a gift from  my grandmother. Sure enough, there was April. Fantastic right? WRONG. I took April outside to be saved by her green heros. And again, being the 7 year old that i was, became wrapped up in my world of imagnation. Shredder had thrown April into the air in an act of rage! and sure enough, as soon as she hit the ground BOTH OF HER LEGS SNAPPED OFF. April broke. and so did my idea of life, prayer, and wishes.

I thought Mr. Freeze was Megatron for a second there.

I once got a figurine set of Chucky from Childs Play, Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers and Pinhead from Hellraiser. 

It was the coolest thing ever... until they came to life and murdered my parents. The cops didn't believe me and I spent 7 years in a mental hospital being told that it was a 'home invasion' from some 'crazed drug addicts' but I know better.

The figurines weren't at the scene of the crime. The shrinks claimed they were probably "stolen" by the druggies (who were caught and put on trial, but got off on a technicality). I know the truth though. Those figures are still out there somewhere.

Next time you hear about a mysterious disappearance, ask around to see if anyone the victim knows had a hobby for collecting action figures.

My LEAST favorite action figure of all time...I had a Flash Gordon from a failed Animated series in the mid 90's. He had a super douche-y 90's skater hair cut and came with a hoverboard of sorts. he was not articulated at all and I never really played with him much because I lost all of his accessories pretty early on. I don't remember wanting it and I don't remember why I received it. it must have been a gift cause I would never have asked for it. I knew nothing of Flash Gordon at the time because I was around 7 when this show came out and I don't even remember watching it. the funny thing is, the toy might still be around my house somewhere in a box with a bunch of other junk toys because all of my good toys got sold in garage sales. I will include a picture of the figure that I found on google, this is not my actual figure.

http://www.retroactionfigures.com/images/CIMG1467.JPG

Picture it - Belfast, 2007. An eager Transformer fan in his late twenties is giddy with the prospect of a live action film based on his all-time favourite characters. He saunters into Toy R Us and finds sitting there, a huge box that says STARSCREAM. Sure, he looks different. He's not the right colour but he's a jet that turns into a robot. He plonks down his hard-earned cash and takes it home. Carefully he slices open the cellotape and removes the figure from it's packaging. 

To be confronted with.... this: http://images.wikia.com/transformers/images/f/f0/Movie_Voyager_Starscream_toy.jpg

This weird, ape-ish, insect-faced, grey, boring, ugly, soft monstrosity that was as much fun to transform as it was to jam under your eyelid.

Back into it's box it went and into the attic. Until October last year when I decided to sell it.

After getting only £7 plus postage for it, quite a loss but hey, at least it's out of my life, I packed it carefully and sent it off to a buyer in Italy. A few weeks later, I start getting messages that the figure was damaged and the buyer wanted a partial refund. I assured him it definitely wasn't damaged before it left here and couldn't see how it would have been damaged in transit as I'd boxed it well. Well, he told me that he was a collector and knew what he was talking about. I asked for photos of the supposed "holes in the back" that were the cause of such consternation. He sent them. And indeed, there were holes. Square holes. That his ankles plugged into when you transformed him. Not damage, actually PART OF THE FUCKING TOY.

But no, this wasn't good enough for our Italian buyer who tried to get payal to refund his money. I offered a full refund if he was prepared to return the item and suprise surprise he closed the case.

So not only was I lumbered with a shitty toy for five years, it continued to cause me pain AFTER I SOLD THE FUCKING THING.

In conclusion, fuck you, Movie Starscream. Fuck you.

As a child of late 80's and 90's I was caught up in the excitement of the Marvel Toy Biz action figure explosion. From the varied roster of the Marvel Super Heroes line to Spider-Man: TAS, to the ever-expanding X-Men and related figures, I just couldn't get enough! That being the case, simply by the law of averages I was bound to end up with a stinker or two (I'm looking at you, Longshot). But without a doubt, the figure that inspired the most apathy (worse than hate if you ask me) was G.W. Bridge from the X-Force series. Who the hell is G.W. FREAKIN' BRIDGE?! 

First off, the guy looked like Bishop's grandpa, with his white crew-cut and beard and second of all he didn't even have a gimmick! "Rapid-Fire Gun" the package proclaimed. A gun? Sorry buddy, but G.I. Joe beat you to the punch by 10 years (30 if you count the original line of the 60's). Finally, and most importantly I had ZERO play scenarios I could work him into. "Look out Wolverine, Omega Red's got you in his tendrils!" "This looks like a job for G.W. Bridge! Rapid fire gun away!"  If I wanted bullets flying in my super hero playtime I would have busted out a Punisher figure, at least he had a cool costume. G.W. Bridge was a walking color-blindness test with his red shirt and green pants. Wait, was that his function? Was he the resident X-Optometrist? So many missed opportunities...

Needless to say, G.W. Bridge sat out every super skirmish that took place on the dining room table of my youth. A lonely, forgotten monument to action figure gluttony and reminder that sometimes you just need to save your $4.99.

I used to (and still do) absolutely love everything to do with the Ninja Turtles. I had as many of the toys that my family could find (birthday presents, christmas, everything was Ninja Turtle related.) 
Then, someone bought me the Panda Khan action figure. I hated it. But not right away. I would have been % years old or so when I got it so my reaction would have been "cool! more ninja turtle stuff". But a couple years later, after I had lost the packaging I realized that I didn't know who he was or what he had to do with the Ninja Turtles.  Without the internet to help, I was lost. None of my friends were all that interested in the Turtles, so none of them knew who he was. It was frustrating, and I began to believe that I had just made up his affiliation with the TMNT.  And then, the stupid panda lost one of his frakking arms and I believed that someone broke into my room, found the toy, and stole his arm Just to mess with me. I told my parents that I was robbed, and they told me I was being ridiculous and that no one stole my action figure's arm. My own parents didn't believe me that I was robbed. I resented that toy for so many reasons and just looking at it made me mad. 
Going through an old toy box a few years ago, I found his arm. But not him. And that made me a little sad. 

Had an older brother who was into He-Man. I inherited all his collection when he outgrew it. Beast Man and Mechaneck were awesome, but the He-Man one was off, somehow. Bear in mind I hadn't seen the show at the point of inheriting them. He-Man's hands had been chewed to nubs. I don't know if this is because of an animal or my brother or a car accident or what, but He-Man had fin hands. This means he couldn't hold a weapon or anything. I thought He-Man was some ass hole fish guy who would just slap his enemies. Skeletor didn't look like he would stand for that bullshit, so I just assumed that Man of Arms and She-Ra were the realer warriors. Then I saw the show. My impressions were wrong. That toy sucked because without hands, He-Man ain't shit but a ripped dude in furry underwear.