15 Baffling Pieces of Video Game Merchandise on Etsy

By Mark Hill in Daily Lists, Video Games
Friday, February 22, 2013 at 6:00 am

Etsy is a site where talented people sell awesome things. It's also a site where crazy people sell crazy things. These mostly seem like the latter.

15. Pokémon Bra

pokebra.jpg
Gotta catch 'em... oh, never mind.

Do you like Pokémon? Are you a stripper? If you answered yes to both of those questions, you still shouldn't get this rhinestone encrusted Pokémon bra, because it's hideous. It looks like an art class project from a school run by pedophiles. And while there's nothing inherently wrong with nerdy underwear, maybe you should avoid bedazzled lingerie inspired by a game where the heroines are all ten years old.




14. Legend of Zelda Artwork

ZeldaCDi.jpg
They just played one of the CD-i games.

Remember how Wind Waker's art style was controversial because all the characters were epileptic zombies with no hands or feet? No? Well then I'm not sure how this is a "tribute to Link and Zelda." The piece is called "Zelda and Link Forever," and is presumably subtitled "Screaming in Endless Agony."

13. Video Game Flask

VGFlask.jpg

If you're such a hardcore gamer that you feel compelled to express your love through your alcoholism, you're in need of multiple interventions. It doesn't help that it looks like the artist was drunk when he made this, although maybe he was just expressing solidarity. Regardless, I think you'd be better off putting your money towards either a new game or a detox program.

12. The Cake is a Lie Perfume

PortalPerfume.jpg

Ladies, have you always wanted to smell like the punch line to a video game's running joke? Then today's your lucky day! "What is that enchanting scent?" everyone will ask, and your reply will be, "It's chocolate cake, inspired by a joke from Portal that people like to endlessly repeat because they aren't smart enough to think of their own." And then the swooning commences.

11. Skyrim Shirt

SkyrimShirt.jpg
"I was going to come up with a clever idea, then I remembered that I'm an idiot."

Remember when "arrow in the knee" jokes hadn't been run into the ground? Yeah, those were a good five minutes. You could buy a Right Said Fred shirt from eBay and it would be more culturally relevant than this comedic atrocity. This is such a shamelessly uninspired attempt to cash in on a stupid fad it makes the Awkward Family Photos board game look like high art.

10. Slowpoke Mug

SlowpokeMug.jpg
"I may be slow, but the death I'm suffering is even slower."

Oh, no. Slowpoke, you poor beast, what have they done to you? His mouth tries to scream, but all that come out is blood. And then there are the eyes. God help us all, the eyes.

This mug isn't even safe to use--the creator says it's "mostly for show." Show what? That you're a big fan of Pokémon, but only when they're suffering? It looks like a prop for The Silence of the Flaaffys.

9. Need for Speed Clock

NFSClock.jpg

There are all sorts of video game clocks on Etsy, but this Need for Speed one is easily the dumbest. "Do you have a need for time?!" the seller should have asked, instead of claiming that it's the PERFECT way to decorate your favourite room. Perfect, indeed - it manages to capture both the tackiness of video game merchandise gone wrong, and the frat boy immaturity of decorating a room with posters of cars and hot girls. It's almost admirable that they could capture that many bad ideas in one little clock.

8. Infamous Artwork

InfamousPainting.jpg

Look into the eyes of Cole from Infamous. Look into them! Do not glance away. Never glance away. Do not blink, do not sleep. They are watching you, and all they need is a single moment of weakness. Then they will strike.

This chalk pastel work would make any room uncomfortable, but I'd recommend hanging it in the bathroom for that extra creep factor. Your guests will never want to use your bathroom again, which means you never have to clean it again!


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