15 Baffling Pieces of Video Game Merchandise on Etsy

By Mark Hill in Daily Lists, Video Games
Friday, February 22, 2013 at 6:00 am

7. Dungeon Siege Coaster


Keep your drinks from staining your furniture... to the extreme!!! But be careful, because any cold drink you place on this bad boy will doubtlessly erupt with the heat of a thousand suns.

Paradoxically, anyone with enough bad taste to want to buy these ugly coasters actually owns a dungeon where they wouldn't look out of place amidst all the other crap. Well played, Etsy.

6. 2 Girls 1 Up Button

What's wrong with Daisy's... everything?

Finally, your two favorite video game girls and your favorite horrifying porno are together on a button or keychain. This is another product where the cultural relevancy expired about five seconds after it was created, but don't let that stop you from telling the world that you love video games and coprophilia. Think of the interesting people you'll meet, and then be locked in an abandoned warehouse by.

5. Majora's Mask Earrings


Etsy has lots of cute video game earrings. It also has these. Admittedly, I don't know much about earrings, so maybe having the creepy mask salesman from Majora's Mask staring into the soul of anyone who looks at you is a hot new fad. But I think the general rule is that you shouldn't adorn yourself with the images of angry, scary people. That's why you don't see many Ted Bundy necklaces.

4. Call of Duty Onesie

If you own this, you're in some Bad Company oh God I'm so sorry.

Ha, Call of Doody. Get it? You see, Call of Duty is a video game, and duty sounds like doody, and that's poop. Isn't that hilarious? Poop? Ah, this is probably over your head. Try watching Wreck-It Ralph; it will explain this joke about a dozen times for you.

3. Cat Playing Video Games Art Tile


What the hell is going on here? It looks like Hitler drew Garfield. Combining video games and cats is apparently the Internet equivalent of a speedball - awesome when done properly, disastrous when not. And not to overlook the cat-thing's deformities, but I can't for the life of me figure out what kind of controller that's supposed to be. Whatever it is, I'm assuming the cat is playing ChuChu Rocket! and purposely losing.

2. Video Game Soap and Shampoo


The creator of video game soap is on a "Lvl 3 quest to drench the gaming community with awesomeness!" and "give gamers a reason to shower," two claims that should make you shudder in revulsion. The soap is scented like Mountain Dew and sold with the aid of softcore pornography, because if your marketing strategy is "insulting stereotypes" there's no point in only going halfway.

In addition to a wide variety of soaps, you can also buy Mountain Dew, Dr. Pepper and Pepsi scented caffeinated shampoo. Perfect for the gamer who's always wanted to smell like a fast-food restaurant's filthy soda fountain! While I don't wish to "downplay the epic-ness of this trio," I have to take objection to the claim that using this would be a "FTW way to start the day." Because anyone who said that to me would spend the rest of the week eating through a straw, and an assault charge is no way to start the day.

1. NES Controller BDSM Paddle

Well, that's it. The last of my fond childhood memories is dead.

Those of you who grew up masturbating to Nintendo games will be pleased to know that for a mere 40 dollars you can get your lover to beat you with a gigantic NES controller, assuming that anyone who buys this is capable of convincing someone to have sex with them. Pair it with this Piranha Plant riding crop and you'll never again be able to play a Mario game without getting uncontrollably aroused! "Now I'm playing with power," someone using this paddle would probably whisper in a sultry voice, while the Mega Man theme plays in the background.

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