Arcane Tees Winners [Please Contact Me if You Are One]

I think everybody outdid themselves on this one. I had a lot of fun reading the fake press releases/internal memos based on fictional businesses, and fun of a different kind watching Someguy try to secure a guaranteed win by putting up entry after entry based on every thought that came into his head…

Mr Skywalker,

First, your R2 unit has been repaired and is ready to be picked up. Once again let us congrate you on destroying the Death Star. We owe you our lives. With that being said we were quite disgusted with your request to see if there was any other, “secret” holograms of the Princess in it’s holo-projector memory. We hope you think about what you were asking! You know, she is someone’s sister!

Repair department

Mr. Sam Witwicky,

You are now 3 months deliquent on your 1977 Chevrolet Camaro. You either need to pay off the full amount or your vechicle will be reposessed.

Thank you.

Generation 1 Bank

To: Jedi

From: Jedi Council

Comgratulations! The war is over! General Grievous is dead. Hurry back for the Jedi Picnic bonanza being held. The first 20 Jedi to return gets new robes. Door prizes awarded all day so anyone can be a winner. Entertainment provided by Master Yoda and his famous table top dance. Were having a diner theme so come to the back of the temple and shout, “order 66!”

That’s only three of them. His best was this:

Telnet communications August 29th

To: Military floor

From: Cyberdyne_Systems_IT

Subject: Re:Skynet Help!!!

Hey,

We thank you for your inquirery on your Skynet. To slimline help time we first ask that you try restarting the system first and get back to us.

I.T. Dept

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Original message:

This thing acting like it has a mind of it’s own!! Almost like it’s alive!! What now??

Quantity, however, does not always win out. Nor does quality if it’s too late – Julia wanted to pick 10glfan59‘s entry…

To: Bluth Company Employees

From: George Bluth Sr

My Bad…

…but it came in after the deadline.

ClockworkSmurf‘s answered a question I’d always had.

To: All Colors of Power Rangers, be they Samurai, Jungle Fury, Zeo, Turbo, Time Force, RPM, Dino Thunder, Operation Overdrive, Ninja Storm, etc.

Re: Premature Megazord Assembly

This notification is to clarify once again that a Megazord should not be assembled until absolutely necessary. If an enemy engages you in hand-to-hand combat, you should not respond by immediately summoning all Zords and assembling a Megazord – our protocol is to fight the enemy to a stand-still until they are forced to escalate the conflict, usually becoming super-sized, launching explosives and destroying part of the city. Only when said explosives have knocked you into a full 360 degree flip in the air may you escalate to the calling of your assigned Zords.

The enemy must be faced by individual Zords for a full minute at least, allowing each individual Power Ranger to face mortal danger. When at least one Zord has been sufficiently damaged and one minute has passed, only then may you assemble the Megazord and easily defeat the enemy.

I understand the frustration many of you have voiced, but it has always been the policy of the Power Rangers Coalition to never escalate a fight prematurely nor to disallow at least some property damage in every skirmish.

If you have any problems with this policy, please remember that we have proven time and again that you can be replaced very easily.

Thank you for all you do!

Go go Power Rangers!

Zordon

Preseident Emeritus of the Power Rangers Coalition

A Subsidiary of State Farm Insurance

VindicaSean‘s extremely honorable mention was clearly inspired by one of Arcane’s actual designs.

To: All Personnel in the Research and Development, Implementation, and Security Depts, Good Guy Toys

From: Barry French, Legal Dept, Good Guy Toys

Seriously, you guys. I’m not telling you again: we are not in the RealDoll business. Stop inviting voodoo priests to animate mannequins for your (horribly, totally, do-I-even-need-to-say-this-is) against company policy work parties. I don’t care what your buddy Charlie told you about how reputable the priest is; we’re still cleaning up last month’s party, and the maintenance crew is threatening to unionize. There are only so many times we can stuff dead hookers into the furnace and it gets overpowered by the plastic. I mean, the EPA, the DEP; I can’t fend them all off.

Help me help you, here.

Also, sidenote: all of your company life insurance policies are now voided as all get-out. Sublime didn’t practice santeria and neither should you. Them’s the breaks.

-BF

kegs brought the minutiae in a very funny way, with the best Batman entry of the bunch.

An open letter to the public.

When you had some difficult choices to make, we were there. When you needed the best, you chose us. Throughout the years we’ve been by your side. We’ve helped create some of the best memories of your life. Simple. Dependable. Useful.

Unfortunately, recent events in this city has sullied the name of our fine product. A reign of murder, extortion, terrorism all horrible acts that some have erroniously claimed started with our fine product. This is simply not true. Some people may have used our product in ways it wasn’t meant to be used. Some people say the goverment should impose restrictions on how people use our product. We make a good product. A useful product. A product we’re proud to make and proud to have you use. We’ve had a wonderful past in this city and hope you’ll be a part of our future.

Sincerely,

The Gotham City Pencil Company.

EvilMonkeyPope‘s twist on “damage control” was unique and appropriate.

Dear citizens of planet Earth,

As the founder of this company, I have prided myself on sparing no expense when it comes to providing you with the most advanced products and services possible in a variety of fields. That’s the only fair exchange I can offer in return for your loyal patronage. I am disheartened to hear that The Daily Planet has been called into question the legality of both my company’s opperations and my private life. I could waste all of our time by issuing press release after press release to maintain your fickle approval as if I was some sort of abused puppy. But unlike Wayne Enterprises, I refuse to lie to you. Relationships thrive upon honesty & integrity.

So in answer to your various inquiries and allegations, I am currently devising a plan to kill Superman once and for all. Following completion of this goal, I shall expand my control over Earth and the rest of the cosmos. I will gladly spare the lives of the other Justice League members, provided that they do not intervene. I do not need to justify my actions to you. Please do not attempt to oppose me. You’d only embarrass yourselves.

Thank you for your continued understanding and support,

Lex Luthor

President & CEO of LexCorp, former President of the United States of America

KevinGarcia.com has the best Avengers riff.

Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division

Press Release Regarding New York Incident

As the entire world is aware now, the human race is not alone in the universe. Not only do aliens exist, but they have visited Earth. As always, SHIELD has been and will remain vigilant when protecting Earth from all threats foreign and domestic, and wherever possible, SHIELD will assist business and organizations such as Damage Control in rebuilding and restoring New York City. We thank the people of New York for their time and patience.

Regarding the thermonuclear weapon that was integral in stopping the aforementioned alien invasion, it is clear that without such a device, the heroic team commonly called “The Avengers” could not have protected or defended New York, much less the world. It is true that the city owes much to the valiant and uncanny abilities of these powerful individuals, led by Tony “Iron Man” Stark and joined by Captain America, whom we can confirm is the same honorable soldier who fought for the United States in World War II. However, without the explosive device, provided graciously by SHIELD, “The Avengers” could not have ultimately defeated the invasion force or drove them back into the spacial rift from which they came.

To reiterate, we here at SHIELD are working to maintain the security of humanity, are grateful for the patience of displaced New Yorkers, are thankful for the efforts of “The Avengers,” and most importantly, are happy to have contributed to the final destruction of the alien menace with our gift of a 100 megaton ballistic missile.

We totally did not intend to blow up New York without closing the alien-spewing wormhole that had already proved to be both impenetrable and unstoppable by earthly means.

Really.

The mere thought hadn’t even begun to speculate about the merest possibility of crossing our minds.

Thank you for your time.

I have to be honest and say I’m not entirely certain what the reference is here, but dcollins2988 made me laugh.

POOP SANDWICH PARK
-formerly Forest Frontiers, LLC.-

Mr. President:

The Board of Directors of our illustrious and award-winning amusement park would like to draw your attention to certain events and how they might have been avoided in order to stay open for business throughout the entire summer season.

While we fully support your decisions on a regular basis, we do have to question several actions, such as:

1) Renaming our park from Forest Frontiers to POOP SANDWICH PARK and raising ticket entry costs to $69.69. While such a decision should have been voted upon and approved by a majority of the Board, we were not anticipating several hundred thousand dollars being funneled into television ads, newspaper ads, and even a blimp advertising our new moniker. Many members of the Board question what exactly makes a POOP SANDWICH the ideal icon for our park, but despite its confusing nature, sales are steady even considering the ludicrous dollar amount you have chosen for entry to the park. We have no choice but to support this decision, because as we all know, those that disagree with your decisions find themselves suddenly unemployed without severance.

2) Drowning customers in the lake after bad reviews. When we installed the Giant Hand Apparatus (patent pending) to assist in construction and maintenance of Forest Frontiers, we were not aware that it would allow you unlimited control of the physical location of our staff, performers, and guests. We understand your frustration when a customer is ill or has complaints about the confusing structure or waiting times of our obviously phallic-shaped park, but we do feel the need to remind you, not only because of legal issues, but also for return ticket sales, that customers should not be dropped into Lake Boobies (again, we are required to question your naming scheme) and left to drown.

3) Removing key portions of coaster and amusement ride tracks. Unfortunately, we have run out of excuses. This one is clearly killing customers and shutting down rides almost indefinitely. Not to mention being what our lawyers have collectively referred to as a “humongous dick move.”

With that said, we would normally ask for your resignation and that you turn yourself in to the local authorities, but we have underestimated the reach of the Giant Hand Apparatus and were not aware that its range would intersect our corporate offices. Therefore, the Board of Directors has unanimously voted to extend your contract indefinitely and will hereafter raise your yearly salary to “all of the money.”

May God have mercy on our souls,

The Board of Directors

POOP SANDWICH PARK

Winners after the jump…

markpoynter6540, who needs to email me, entered a few times, but this was easily his (and the) best, IMO. The set-up to punchline is just perfect.

To: Dr. Leonard H. McCoy
Chief Medical Officer, USS Enterprise

From: Lieutenant Commander Mira Romaine
Chief Archivist Memory Alpha
Department of Correspondence Course Studies

Doctor McCoy,

I regret to inform you that you did not receive a passing grade for your Correspondence Course of Study in General Construction. The Computer scans of your work indicate a severe lack of understanding in stress points, mortar mixture, and brick alignment. You are free to enroll in the next available classes, but the Memory Alpha Architecture & Engineering Department Faculty would suggest that first you review your past studies and enlist the help of your fellow officers, Chief Engineer Scott and Commander Spock would both be good candidates to mentor your studies.

In closing let me encourage you to continue in your studies to improve yourself and your construction skills, but please remember that, until you successfully complete this course of study you remain a Doctor, and are NOT a Bricklayer.

Yours Truly,

Mira Romaine

arthurdentrgv takes the other prize for making Julia laugh out loud even though she’s never even heard of Buckaroo Banzai.

From: Main Office, YOYODYNE Industries

To: Dept. of Research and Development

Gentlemen,

We want to know WHO WERE THE POT SMOKING COCAINE SNIFFING BRAIN DEAD IDIOT(S) who designed an advanced spacecraft THAT LOOKS LIKE A GIGANTIC SPIKED CLAM SHELL! We at Yoyodyne pride ourselves in our advanced technological projects and IT HURTS OUR IMAGE TO BUILT A MULTIMILLION DOLLAR SPACECRAFT THAT LOOKS LIKE IT CAME FROM A BEACHSIDE SOUVENIER SHOP! And we are seriously considering arresting the TAPIOCA-BRAINED designers who designed and built lifepods that look like something slapped together from left-over lobster shells! IF THIS HAPPENS AGAIN WE WILL FIRE THE ENTIRE R&D DEPARTMENT!

Congrats to all winners. I have two HUGE contests coming up, so if you didn’t make it this time, opportunities abound.