I like the way you design your shirt's. Giving them life and loudness.

To: Bluth Company Employees

From: George Bluth Sr

My Bad...

Mr Skywalker,

First, your R2 unit has been repaired and is ready to be picked up.  Once again let us congrate you on destroying the Death Star.  We owe you our lives.  With that being said we were quite disgusted with your request to see if there was any other, "secret" holograms of the Princess in it's holo-projector memory.  We hope you think about what you were asking!  You know, she is someone's sister!

Repair department   

Mr. Sam Witwicky,

You are now 3 months deliquent on your 1977 Chevrolet Camaro.  You either need to pay off the full amount or your vechicle will be reposessed.

Thank you.

Generation 1 Bank

To: Jedi

From: Jedi Council

Comgratulations!  The war is over!  General Grievous is dead.  Hurry back for the Jedi Picnic bonanza being held.  The first 20 Jedi to return gets new robes.  Door prizes awarded all day so anyone can be a winner.  Entertainment provided by Master Yoda and his famous table top dance.  Were having a diner theme so come to the back of the temple and shout, "order 66!"     

To: All Klingon Citisens:
From: High Command
Qapla!  Do to your hard work and dedication we have finally gotten rid of most of the moon Praxis to allow better view of the Klingon Empire and faster docking of ships.

Telnet communications August 29th

To: Military floor

From: Cyberdyne_Systems_IT

Subject: Re:Skynet Help!!!

Hey,

We thank you for your inquirery on your Skynet.  To slimline help time we first ask that you try restarting the system first and get back to us.

I.T.  Dept

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Original message:

This thing acting like it has a mind of it's own!!  Almost like it's alive!!  What now??

From: The Empire

Galaxy Notice Bulliton

Your Empire, discovering that an Asteroid of puppies and kittens was on a coolision course with a planet, has removed that planet from the pathway.  You will be glad to know the Asteroid flew harmlessly through thanks to Governor Wilhuff Tarkin quick actions.  

Follow the Web cams and twitter accounts of the puppies and kittens at www.empire.com/puppyAndKitties or #ThankfulCuteAnimals.

To: All Colors of Power Rangers, be they Samurai, Jungle Fury, Zeo, Turbo, Time Force, RPM, Dino Thunder, Operation Overdrive, Ninja Storm, etc.

Re: Premature Megazord Assembly

This notification is to clarify once again that a Megazord should not be assembled until absolutely necessary. If an enemy engages you in hand-to-hand combat, you should not respond by immediately summoning all Zords and assembling a Megazord - our protocol is to fight the enemy to a stand-still until they are forced to escalate the conflict, usually becoming super-sized, launching explosives and destroying part of the city. Only when said explosives have knocked you into a full 360 degree flip in the air may you escalate to the calling of your assigned Zords. 

The enemy must be faced by individual Zords for a full minute at least, allowing each individual Power Ranger to face mortal danger. When at least one Zord has been sufficiently damaged and one minute has passed, only then may you assemble the Megazord and easily defeat the enemy.

I understand the frustration many of you have voiced, but it has always been the policy of the Power Rangers Coalition to never escalate a fight prematurely nor to disallow at least some property damage in every skirmish. 

If you have any problems with this policy, please remember that we have proven time and again that you can be replaced very easily.

Thank you for all you do! 

Go go Power Rangers!

Zordon

Preseident Emeritus of the Power Rangers Coalition

A Subsidiary of State Farm Insurance

To: Jayne Cobb
      "Serenity"
      Somewhere in the Black

Dear Mr. Cobb:

If you or your attorney have any questions, please feel free to contact me.

Sincerely,

Joss Whedon Attorney at Law
The Law Firm of Whedon, Whedon, & Whedon

CC: Client

From General Nadine,

Yes I realize that we will be taking a bulk of the rebellion fleet to the Death Star.  This will be a one shot deal.  No mistakes.  While I appreciate Wedge Antilles service and his experience attacking the first Death Star I think I'm going to go with the new guy.  You know the guy who came in with the Princess last year.  Been in and out.  He'll be fine.    

January 1, 1987

I agree with your assessment.  This is a clear case of homicide if I have seen one.  Doctor Gillian Taylor was last seen on the security cameras at the Cetacean Institute in Sausalito.  There she had an altercation with one of the other employees.  Obviously the two mystery vagabonds are in collusion with your suspect.  Even if you don't get a conviction you basically will ruin this guys life which is better then what that murderer deserves.  When you are done I should could use your help with this hospital thing.  We are stumped.

To: Empire Engineering staff

From: Construction staff

Subject: Architecture design 

Is it a good idea to put the Emperors throne room over an energy shaft?  

To: Construction staff

From: Empire Engineering staff

Re: Architecture design 

It's fine.  Look we made you those safety rail thingies you wanted so badly.  That should be fine.  I mean what do you expect people to be doing in there anyways?

To: Captain James T. Kirk

From: Star Fleet Command

Captain,

Please (once again) read, sign, and return the Code of Conduct concerning relationships on-ship and other planets.  Your scheduled sensitivity training program is at the usual time.  

To:  Emperor Palpatine office

My Master:

I thank you for saving me, but I forgot to ask.  How do I use the restroom?

Darth Vader.

Memo to Jimmy:

Of course we all know it's him.  Great Caesar's ghost, do you think we are all stupid??  There a pair of glasses, we know!  He shoots lasers out of his eyes!!  Do you want to be the one to tell him you know his, "secret?"

Keep your mouth shut!

P.W.

Commissioner Gordon,

As you know I take all crime seriously.  From murder to shoplifting I protect this city.  I understand your concerns, the influence of his family name and wealth would make it hard to make an investigation.  So per request I made a thorough investigation and have found no evidence of embezzlement at any of the Wayne buildings.  I'm sure these accusations are being made by disgruntled employees and if you give me their names I will be sure to see that it stops.

Batman   

Your Honor,

At no time were any kids in any danger and were indeed under adult supervision.  These charges of child endangerment are totally baseless.  We, as a responsible establishment, would never send a dog, never-the-less elementary aged children on a two day river race without adult supervision.  We look forward to proving our innocents in court.

Thank you.

Stan West legal council for Camp Remote.   

To: Doc Brown,

This is important!  If my calculations are correct you are receiving this letter just after Marty has returned back from the future and you are using my letter to determine what parts you will need to fix the Delorean.  In the Storage compartment put a copy of all the parts on the list.  I need them.  The 1860 are boring so I will need them to fix my time machine in the cave.  I'm going to go to the future, get parts to convert a train into a flying time machine, then I will return the Delorean (with the new parts removed) back in the cave.

Thanks!

Sincerely 

 Doc Brown.

Log of ship this is.

Set auto pilot I did.

Sure how to set planet for Dantooine I'm not.

As long as planet is civilized, Happy I will be.   

NASA Internal message board.

Flight:  There off.  Lets all have a moment of silence.

Bob:  STOP!! WAIT!!  DON'T SEND THEM!!

Flight:  What! What!

Bob:  We made a mistake in our math.  Our decimal was in the wrong spot!  The asteroid will hook around the other side of the moon!  It's not going to hit us!

Flight:  WHAT!!  WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S NOT GOING TO HIT US!!!

Bob: Get those Driller guys back!!

Flight: IT'S TOO LATE!!!!!!  THEY ARE PAST THE POINT OF NO RETURN!!!!!

Bob: WHAT DO WE DO!!!!

Flight: WE DO THE ORIGINAL PLAN!!!  PRAY LIKE HELL THEY BLOW THAT THING UP!!!

From the Desk of:
Lorne Buchman
President
Art Center College of Design
Pasadena, Ca.

An open message to the movie going public:

We're sorry.

There's not much more to say, we never imagined that anyone with an ounce of artistic sense would give Micheal Bay enough money to make movies. We forgot that Hollywood is a cesspool of intellectual-want-to-be's willing to sell their very souls while providing Micheal Bay the means to shred the cherished childhood memories of the movie going public. We feel your pain.

Utterly, Sincerely yours,

Lorne Buchman  

To Our Customers,

After a recent ruling by the F.D.A and the N.H.C we have been forced to issue a recall of our product. We're sorry to inform you that a chemical used in the manufacturing of our toys may be responsible for over 3000 cases of cancer. So to those who bought the "Turbo-Man" action figure, we're sorry but it's a tumor.

 Sincerly,

Turbo Brand Toy Company.

From: Clone Trooper Cloning Facility (Main HQ)

While we appraise our employees for creativity and trying to increase the capabilities of our mass produced soldiers, we however do NOT allow for sever changing in the identity of the initial person (Mr. Fett), that being said we have had a tampering with new clones looking and speaking like that of Earth actor Christopher Walken, and can't seem to say anything other than quotes from his performances. The main cloning tanks have had to be cleaned and re filled with solution. Should this happen again we will have to take sever measures into action.

To: All Oceanic Airlines employee

Reminder

All employees are required by Oceanic Airlines to carry personal Life Insurance Polices 

From: World Welfare Works Association

To: All female Trouble Consultants

In response to the number one question all of you are asking, the reason the official work uniform is a sexy bikini is because of the fact that the majority of all the criminals you will chasing are male, and will be considerably distracted by your figure, legs, cleavage, and wondering why your breasts don't pop out of your top. This is a considerable help when facing down a male or lesbian suspect. YES! We are aware that there are male gay perps out there but they will be distracted by the fact that you will be busy shooting at them.

Any sexual contact with any perps is ill advised: Your sex life is your own and is part of your off-duty life. HOWEVER! If you have to use your sexuality to get closer to a perp, then do so. If taking off your top will distract a suspect long enough to arrest him, then do so.

In reference to Kei and Yuri, the "Dirty Pair", the main reason they are still working for the WWWA is because they have a knack for surviving disasters that incinerate entire worlds: NOT because they are sleeping with higher-ups, which is nothing more than a rumor anyway.  

From: Voltron Headquarters

To: All Voltron pilots

PLEASE pay attention to the order in which you are supposed to link your robolions together! Voltron CANNOT combine AND fight efficiently when it has its' feet where its' hands are supposed to be! 

From: Main Office, YOYODYNE Industries

To: Dept. of Research and Development

Gentlemen,

We want to know WHO WERE THE POT SMOKING COCAINE SNIFFING BRAIN DEAD IDIOT(S) who designed an advanced spacecraft THAT LOOKS LIKE A GIGANTIC SPIKED CLAM SHELL! We at Yoyodyne pride ourselves in our advanced technological projects and IT HURTS OUR IMAGE TO BUILT A MULTIMILLION DOLLAR SPACECRAFT THAT LOOKS LIKE IT CAME FROM A BEACHSIDE SOUVENIER SHOP! And we are seriously considering arresting the TAPIOCA-BRAINED designers who designed and built lifepods that look like something slapped together from left-over lobster shells! IF THIS HAPPENS AGAIN WE WILL FIRE THE ENTIRE R&D DEPARTMENT! 

To:  All Residences of the Cardiff Area

From:  TorchWood Institute

Dear Residence’s of the Cardiff Area,

We are writing this in accord with the recent weapons malfunction.  We sincerely apologize to the city of Cardiff and its residence’s that were affected by the blast.  It is still unsure who stole the weapon that was activated.  We are doing everything in our power to track the person who jeopardized the lives of many in the Cardiff area. 

  So please, if you have seen or know any information regarding this person contact us right away.  Remember, “If it’s alien, it’s ours.” 

                                                                                                                             Sincerely –

                                                                                                                   Captain Jack Harkness

To: All Personnel in the Research and Development, Implementation, and Security Depts, Good Guy Toys

From: Barry French, Legal Dept, Good Guy Toys

Seriously, you guys. I'm not telling you again: we are not in the RealDoll business. Stop inviting voodoo priests to animate mannequins for your (horribly, totally, do-I-even-need-to-say-this-is) against company policy work parties. I don't care what your buddy Charlie told you about how reputable the priest is; we're still cleaning up last month's party, and the maintenance crew is threatening to unionize. There are only so many times we can stuff dead hookers into the furnace and it gets overpowered by the plastic. I mean, the EPA, the DEP; I can't fend them all off.

Help me help you, here.

Also, sidenote: all of your company life insurance policies are now voided as all get-out. Sublime didn't practice santeria and neither should you. Them's the breaks.

-BF

TO: All Media outlets in the Greater New Jersey area.

RE: Recent Events

From: John Smallberries, Acting CEO, Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems.

Monkeyboys,

In light of current events in and around our New Jersey factory, we here at YPS feel the need to clarify a few points to ressure all our customers of our continued goal of being this dimension's leading source of the stuff we provide for national defense. Since our founding in 1938, YPS has been a family company with set goals, and we don't plan on letting that change, just because the CRIMINAL Buckaroo Banzi came into our factory and messed our stuff up.

You'll be happy to know these things:

1) Repairs to our factory are going good. The Bivouac is repaired, and the Shok Tower will be up and running soon.

2) Work continues on the Sekrit Truncheon bomber.

3) We are expanding our factory! Come see the big hole in the wall! We're gonna build more stuff there.

4) Our bosses, Lord John Worfin and John Bigboote, are away at a coporate retreat or training, or something, so you won't see them around here.

In conclusion, everything is A-OK here at Yoyodyne, don't worry about us!

Yoyodyne! Where the future begins tomorrow!

From the Desk of Cave Johnson

To: Aperture Sciences employees

It has come to my attention that some mistakes have been made during a recent Research and Development scrum. At your earliest convenience, please evacuate the building.

Yours, Cave Johnson.

Law Offices of Joseph Candoloro

Dear Mr. Bane,

This is to inform you that you under the laws of this State, numerous ethical statutes, as well as the Hippocratic Oath, your permission to die is not legally required nor binding to any resident of Gotham City. 

It is our reasoned legal belief that it may very well be a violation of any number of United States laws.

As such, we regretfully must decline representing you in your lawsuit against Bruce Wayne, Wayne Enterprises and John Doe #1 (AKA "The Batman").

We wish you great luck with this legal action.

TO : Marnal

From : Blackhole Shipyard

Recall Notice : TT Type 40 mark 3

We have noticed that the chameleon circuit boards may be faulty in your Tardis. It is best that you bring your Tardis in so we can do a voluntary  board upgrade. If you do not bring yours in then it may get stuck in an odd shape that you will have to live with for many regenerations. You may  also wish to use this opportunity to turn in your Tardis for a newer model. 

If you have any questions please refer to your dealer.

To: Dr. Leonard H. McCoy
     Chief Medical Officer, USS Enterprise

From: Lieutenant Commander Mira Romaine
         Chief Archivist Memory Alpha
         Department of Correspondence Course Studies

Doctor McCoy,

I regret to inform you that you did not receive a passing grade for your Correspondence Course of Study in General Construction. The Computer scans of your work indicate a severe lack of understanding in stress points, mortar mixture, and brick alignment. You are free to enroll in the next available classes, but the Memory Alpha Architecture & Engineering Department Faculty would suggest that first you review your past studies and enlist the help of your fellow officers, Chief Engineer Scott and Commander Spock would both be good candidates to mentor your studies.

In closing let me encourage you to continue in your studies to improve yourself and your construction skills, but please remember that, until you successfully complete this course of study you remain a Doctor, and are NOT a Bricklayer.

Yours Truly,

Mira Romaine

An Open letter to the public.

It has come the attention that one of our Pizza Planet delivery drive's has been the cause of many accidents in his 87 Gyoza. This drive has been let go. The Driver refuses to take off his Pizza Planet Advertisement's in order to discredit our company name and image. So we here at Pizza Planet have set up a hotline (1-800-555-8234) to help the police capture this driver.

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdlnthclzp1rvhqlvo1_400.png

For Immediate Release:

No, neither the vehicle ripping along the highways in recent new footage, nor the vehicles used by the terrorist Bane to hold the city hostage, are Wayne Industries prototypes.  That is all.

Lucius Fox-CEO Wayne Enterprises

An open letter to the public.

When you had some difficult choices to make, we were there. When you needed the best, you chose us. Throughout the years we've been by your side. We've helped create some of the best memories of your life. Simple. Dependable. Useful.

Unfortunately, recent events in this city has sullied the name of our fine product. A reign of murder, extortion, terrorism all horrible acts that some have erroniously claimed started with our fine product. This is simply not true. Some people may have used our product in ways it wasn't meant to be used. Some people say the goverment should impose restrictions on how people use our product. We make a good product. A useful product. A product we're proud to make and proud to have you use. We've had a wonderful past in this city and hope you'll be a part of our future.

 Sincerely,

The Gotham City Pencil Company.

FEB. 19

INTERNAL MEMO - DEATH STAR MOBILE SPACE STATIONS INCORPORATED

TO: ALL DEATH STAR PERSONELLE

FROM: TK421

STATUS: URGENT

___________________________________________________________________________________

As you may know, someone has removed the protective covering for the exhaust port, right below the main port.  While I am confident that this was intended to be a harmless prank, this port is in fact vital to the structural integrity of our space station.  I need not remind you that intelligence suggests that Rebel troops are planning an assault as soon as next Thursday.  Should the guilty party (or parties) be found out without admission they will be dealt with by Lord Vader personally.

Also, a mandatory marksmanship workshop will be held on Wednesday, March 5.  All Stormtroopers must Attend.

Thank you for your attention.  I look forward to resolving this issue quickly.

TK421

Operations Manager

Dear citizens of planet Earth,

As the founder of this company, I have prided myself on sparing no expense when it comes to providing you with the most advanced products and services possible in a variety of fields. That's the only fair exchange I can offer in return for your loyal patronage. I am disheartened to hear that The Daily Planet has been called into question the legality of both my company's opperations and my private life. I could waste all of our time by issuing press release after press release to maintain your fickle approval as if I was some sort of abused puppy. But unlike Wayne Enterprises, I refuse to lie to you. Relationships thrive upon honesty & integrity.

So in answer to your various inquiries and allegations, I am currently devising a plan to kill Superman once and for all. Following completion of this goal, I shall expand my control over Earth and the rest of the cosmos. I will gladly spare the lives of the other Justice League members, provided that they do not intervene. I do not need to justify my actions to you. Please do not attempt to oppose me. You'd only embarrass yourselves.

Thank you for your continued understanding and support,

Lex Luthor

President & CEO of LexCorp, former President of the United States of America

Internal Ship's Instant Message System:

Gelbre: This was just a minor screw up.  One small ship from the scouting party.  Do to time displacement they would have got here many cycles ago.  I'm going to have the Deck Officer remove the ship's ID from the computer's auto docking protocols.  Unfortunately that means I've got to fill out that stupid long form and it will sit in their in-box for a while.  So it probably won't be done until after were done conquering this planet. 

Sinburt: Yep.  That's how it goes.  Well I got main point on this planet so it won't take too long.  Were be releasing soon so you won't hear from me for a little bit.

Tansul Logged In

Tansul: Hey guys.  I was thinking.  You know how we have to get our ships into proper position before attacking?

Sinburt:Here we go.

Tansul: What that suppose to mean?

Gelbre: We've all heard of your cockamany invention.

Tansul: It's not cockamany.  This way we don't have to depend on sending a signal through alien space satellite.

Gelbre: By using a device to, what is it,  measure time?  

Sinburt: He actually built some.  You should see them.  He also thinks were going to wear little one's on our arms!!

Gelbre: Why?  GOF (giggling on floor)

Tansul: Shut up! It's a great idea!

Sinburt:  We'd have to reset them every time we slowed down before the medium ships separated!   It's easier just to use a decaying signal.  Besides, it's not that big of deal.  We just shoot the big lasers and move on.  

Gelbre: So did you get the protection program for our main computer updated and working yet Tansul?

Sinburt: He's been too busy making those time things.

Tansul: I'll do it after this planet!!

Sinburt: Speaking of.  I've got to get ready to release, I have one of the big targets.

Gelbre: So do you think they will try to communicate.

Sinburt: Probably.  They always do.  Boy I sure hope they try with music.  I hate it when they flash lights into my eyes.  I swear if they use light I am going to shoot them, coordinating signal done or not!

From: Omni Consumer Products, Vice President Customer Relations

To: All Telephone Customer Service Representatives

We have noticed a severe drop in the numbers of calls being handled by our Reps.  As a way to improve service, as well as recoup developmental costs for a recent failed project, ED-209s will be floor supervisors in all our call centers.

In an unrelated note, in order to meet OSHA guidelines to reduce the noise level in all centers, the drywall will be replaced by armor and Kevlar sheeting. 

Please direct any questions to your floor supervisors.

Dear Mr. Hutt

This completes your order of our MTL Bikinis.  Just a reminder these outfits are for novelty purposes only and are not meant for actual swimming usage.   We thank you for your patronage and hope you have many enjoyable years of wear.

Metal fatigues Inc.

From: Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems, LLC

To our valued customers

In light of several unseemly rumors concerning the (mis)use of our starship warp propulsion products,  Yoyodyne LLC™ feels the need to restate the following:

•There is no known "special" form of Dilithium that "remains stable at higher warp frequencies." This is a common misconception—engine core Dilithium is not effected by higher warp frequencies, but by higher engine power levels needed to produce high warp factors.  Do not use uncertified brands of Dilithium in your Yoyodyne™ warp core.

•The definition of Warp Factor 10 as "Infinite Speed" was a decision of the Federation Trans-Warp Factors Restandardization Conference of Stardate 8454.1 and as simply an artifact of the current warp speed measuring metric, chosen for ease of calculation with typical FTL engine operational limits. It is, obviously, possible to attain speeds higher than Warp 9+ without reaching "infinity." But Yoyodyne LLC™ must again, respectfully, reiterate to the public and our customers, it is impossible to travel at infinite speed. Attempting to reach infinity will result in damage to your Yoyodyne™ warp propulsion system, and potential injury or loss of life.

•While the misuse of any warp engine systems by an unqualified operator may produce the risk of serious injury or death, no Yoyodyne™-produced warp engine or any other known starship engine, will mutate, deform, mangle, evolve, "de-evolve," or otherwise transmogrify the user into an "insane acid-breathing salamander monster," or any other type of monster.

•Only allow Starfleet or Yoyodyne™ certified multipsectral engine design technicians to service your Yoyodyne warp engine system. Do not attempt to modify or otherwise "overclock," "hot wire," "Argo-ize," "jailbreak," or perform any other unauthorized design to your Yoyodyne™ warp engine. Doing so will void your Yoyodyne™ warranty, and/or result in injury, death, or loss of corporeality.

Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems, LLC
Utopia Planetia, Mars, Sol, UFP
"No Matter Where You Go, There You Are"