Single Ukrainian Commando Dolphins: Villains in the Vast Ocean - Dolphin Power!

By Luke Y. Thompson in Tech
Tuesday, March 12, 2013 at 5:06 pm

Ukrainian Dolphin.jpg

It sounds like a cartoon pitch so absurd nobody would take it, but the source on this is CBS, so unless they're being punked, it would seem that three elite commando dolphins from the Ukraine, trained in the use of special knives and forearms, are out in the open sea looking to get laid.

The program to make the cute, chattering cetaceans into man-murdering mammals of doom originates with the Soviet military in the Cold War, during which time they were trained to detect mines and kill people.

We did not let that go unanswered.

Dolphins are used in militaries across the world. The United States has such a program although their dolphins are not trained to attack and are used for intelligence purposes.

Those dolphins were used for the war in Iraq.

It's only a matter of time now before the dolphins breed a super-smart strain, declare war on whales, and lead us to the mess we were in during the time of Star Trek IV. Butterfly wings, people! Just ask Uday Hussein...Oh wait, he's DEAD from a war the dolphins fought in.

We're screwed. "So long and thanks for all the fish" is going to become an Arnold-style post-kill quip rather than a genuine expression of gratitude.

h/t Gallen_Dugall; original pre-alteration dolphin image courtesy Bodhi Surf School


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