For fans of inebriants, Cinco de Mayo this coming Sunday is one of the most exciting days of the year; a day when excessive alcohol consumption is not only expected, it's encouraged (Mexicans, like the Irish on St. Patrick's Day, often regard it as "Amateur Night"). In some of our favorite fictional worlds of the future, alcohol still provides a welcome distraction from the universe around.
No matter what evolution alcohol goes through, there is something about human nature that will always looks for some type of distraction. Utopian and dystopian futures alike all seem to still have a simple human requirement for release of cares and worries. Orwell's Victory Gin and Huxley's Soma are just a few examples of dystopian alcohol use, but booze still exists as recreation in the futures of Star Trek and other, happier societies. Rather than shun or shy away from human nature, I say let's embrace the need for diversion, because if there are two things we like here at Topless Robot, they'd be science fiction and booze. The following are ten of the most memorable intoxicating beverages from the sci-fi lexicon. Some are just beverages, some replace meals, but they all could accomplish one thing: fuck you up good.
10. Ambrosia - Battlestar Galactica
Alcohol advertising of the past always liked to point out how cleanly the beverage was made. Crisp mountain waters, the finest barley and hops all hope to give an image of purity and cleanliness. Then there is Ambrosia, the chief export of the Twelve Colonies Penal System. That's right, the beverage of the Gods is manufactured in jail by sweaty, nasty convicts. Of course that's before the Cylons decide to go all Skynet on their parents, nuking the shit out of the Twelve Colonies and all of their spirit-producing prisons. It's safe to say, especially since the Galactica crew builds a still in the hangar bay, that any alcohol is good alcohol after Armageddon, regardless of where it was made.
Apparently there are many different kind of Ambrosia, with one of the rarest being Scorpion Marsh Genuine Ambrosia, a variety that is generally snubbed by Capricans for its strength and that fact that it smells like swamp ass. While its green color would seem more appropriate for Saint Patrick's Day, frak it, color shouldn't get in the way of a good buzz...So Say We All.
9. Moloko Plus - A Clockwork Orange
It's safe to say that there will be more than a few fights breaking out on Cinco de Mayo. In science fiction though, nothing seems to promote violence or rather, the old Ultraviolence like Moloko Plus.
The preferred beverage of Alex and his Droogs, this combination of milk, alcohol and barbiturates brings out the worst in people, and seems like it would be the perfect beverage to have before starting a fight. While neither the book nor the movie give a detailed recipe, the Internet seems to have come to the consensus that Moloko Plus is a blend of Absinthe, Anisette, Irish Cream, sugar and milk, minus of course the psychotropic drugs (unless you still are under the impression that the Green Fairy causes hallucinations).
As fun as it might sound, drinking Moloko Plus is most likely going to turn you into the party's asshole. The Droogs tend to fuel up on the stuff before their Ultraviolence benders, which I'm guessing would make you somewhat of a pariah at a party. One minute you're drinking it up and having a blast, the next you're beating your party host over the head with a giant penis sculpture. I'm guessing it's a quick way to get off the guest list for next year.
8. Benderbrau - Futurama
As odd as it may seem, Ron Moore's Battlestar Galactica was one of the few times we as viewers have witnessed robot pregnancy. The resulting human/Cylon hybrid of course became the next step in human evolution, but how much fun is that? When Futurama's Bender gets pregnant, though, the results are both hysterical and inebriating.
With a proper mix of ingredients, heat and robot porn, it isn't long before Bender has a bun in the oven in the form of beer. Of course, the happy robot parent has no idea whether his offspring will be an ale or a lager, but after a short period of time, Benderbrau, a cold-fusion, steam-brewed ale is born.
There isn't anything particularly remarkable about Benderbrau, aside from the fact that it was cold brewed in the belly of a robot. Then again, I've been told that carrying a child is one of the most rewarding and demanding things a person can experience, so the amount of dedication necessary for a vat of Benderbrau rivals any efforts of Jim Cook.
7. Green a.k.a. Aldebaran Whisky - Star Trek: The Next Generation
While Klingons and Romulans might still like their alcoholic beverages in a more traditional form, Starfleet had opted to remove it from their ships lounges and replicators, replacing it instead with Synthehol; a beverage that while smelling and tasting like the true thing, has limited effects on the living. While it still has the ability to intoxicate, it's effects are significantly diminished and easily dismissed, all without those nagging little inconveniences such as alcohol poisoning, liver damage and beer goggles.
Of course, when Captain Montgomery Scott, recently freed from his transporter purgatory on board the USS Jenolan, wants to get shit-faced, Synthehol will most certainly not do. Thankfully, Data and Guinan come to the rescue, replacing Scotty's synthetic and apparently disgusting scotch with a bottle of Aldebaran Whisky from Guinan's private stock. While not much is known about this beverage, it is referenced multiple times, particularly in the Deep Space Nine era as something available at Quark's bar. Its effects are obvious in its one onscreen appearance - it can put a true Scotsman under the table, or at least the helm of the Enterprise, so long as it doesn't have any bloody A, B, C or D on it.
6. Romulan Ale - Original Star Trek
Romulan Ale has been at the center of at least one serious diplomatic incident in the history of the Federation. No wonder then that it is technically illegal, though high ranking Starfleet officers seem to have little trouble acquiring this clandestine blue beverage. An early script for Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan described the bootlegged spirit as an "instant drunk", and it was obvious by the effects that it had on crews of both the Enterprise and Kronos-One at a diplomatic dinner in 2293 that it was an intensely strong beverage. It is believed to be at least as strong as Klingon Bloodwine, though one is less likely to contract hepatitis from Romulan Ale.
While we live nowhere near the Romulan Star Empire, we meager humans have come up with a reasonable facsimile to true Romulan Ale. According to the Star Trek Memory Alpha Website, a mixture of Bacardi rum, Everclear and Blue Curacao in equal parts creates a beverage similar in color and effect to the legendary Romulan Ale. While we can't assume the taste will be accurate, at 134 proof the beverage should deliver the desired effects.